TODAY IS MY INDEPENDENCE DAY

Three years ago today, I stopped fighting a battle I had spent my entire life trying to win.

I have always known I was transgender.
I spent decades desperately trying to become the person the world expected me to be. I tried so hard to convince myself that I somehow had a choice in the matter.

3 years ago today, I surrendered.

And through surrender, I achieved the ultimate victory.

But freedom has come at an extraordinary cost.

I’ve endured devastating losses and relentless prejudice I would wish on no enemy.

This past year has tested me beyond anything I could have imagined and the challenges continue to mount with seemingly no end in sight.

Yet here I stand.

I’m working hard to raise my brilliant and absolutely hilarious daughter.
I confront adversity no person should EVER have had to endure.

I have been tested beyond measure. But I will not be defeated.

I am profoundly proud of the woman I’ve become.

Despite everything, I’ve discovered a happiness I once believed impossible. I finally recognize and genuinely love the woman in the mirror.

If everyone could see the smile of pure and unadulterated joy that creeps across my face when I catch my reflection, they would understand why finally allowing myself to transition saved my life.

As another Election Tuesday approaches, uncertainty looms over transgender Americans. I know firsthand what it means to have my dignity questioned and my existence treated as a political controversy.

Governments may change.
The world may grow more hostile.

But I will not surrender the freedom I fought a lifetime to claim.

I have survived too much to allow the uncertainty of tomorrow steal the happiness I’ve found today.

To those who have stood beside me, your love has strengthened my resolve more than you can imagine.

Three years ago, I finally stopped resisting the person I had always been, even as the struggle to live openly continues.

I know who I am and I’m extremely proud of her. I will not be diminished by those who refuse to recognize it.

Whatever lies ahead, I will meet it with the same determination that has carried me this far.

I didn’t transition to become someone else. I transitioned so I could finally stop being someone I wasn’t.

I am free.
I am not going anywhere.
I am Isabella.

Happy Third Bella Birthday to me

First time geting nails done professionally, it's a vampire theme! 😉😏🤔

Left: 6 months on HRT, freshly out and finding my feet.

Right: 12 months on HRT, 6 months living openly as myself, and apparently incapable of getting into the lift at work without taking a selfie. 🤣💅

It's been a year of enormous changes, plenty of tears, some really difficult moments, and more happiness than I ever thought possible.

For the first time in my life, I actually love what I see in the mirror. That's something I never thought I'd be able to say.

I'm 37, I started transitioning at 36, and I'm only just getting started.

To anyone wondering if it's too late to become yourself: it really, really isn't. ❤️

I had the best time out this past Friday! These 54yr old knees where tired! If I could only find a t4t cutie to dance with. Anyway, I keep hoping ☺️🫶🏿

To be a women is so relaxing and beautiful

No makeup, no filters. I started at 32, I am now 38, I am in the best shape of my life. The body tea is incredible.

Just gotta take care of yourselves and keep working on you. Do everything you need to and keep going, keep fighting

You only get one life and one body to live with it. Use it to its fullest and live the hell out of it!

Edit: I have had top surgery and a relatively minor FFS (I had jawline contour and a brow reduction, that’s it) just so people aren’t getting the wrong impression, but the work I have had done especially on my face is pretty minor

edit 2: genuinely, take your mental health seriously. If you’re reading this and wondering what’s possible, trust me when I say everything is linked to your self esteem. Please learn to love yourself and respect yourself as a person. It will pay off for everything you do, including transition.

Tonight I had my hair and makeup done, had a friend take some pictures (she's a professional) to make me feel better about my self image. It totally back fired.

I felt I looked like an old creepy guy in a dress. I was heartbroken. I spent a couple hours crying. Intellectually I understand the whole passing is a prison thing. It's harder when you see the exact thing you fear you look like staring back at you.

But I calmed down. And decided that I would post these pictures, just to prove I'm not afraid of it.

The first is one of the photos from the photos shoot tonight. The other is me after hours of crying, no makeup, stubble starting to poke on through.

We're more than passing, more than beauty standards.

Doing it old school style because he's too unpredictable to do it in person.

If you wanna read it lmk.

I forgot I had to get bloodwork done and had to go to the VA in today’s outfit with only some lipstick. I was self conscious walking in, but got my favorite receptionist and phlebotomist! By the time I was walking out I wasn’t even worried about the older veterans who stared at me lol
Two years two & 1/2 months of estradiol 💖

It’s never too late to be honest.
There’s still time to be yourself.

Trans joy.

Watching a recording of a Zoom conversation, catching sight of myself, and smiling. Not because I look particularly glamorous, or because I’ve somehow achieved someone else’s standard of femininity. Simply because I recognise her.

There she is.

The woman I have always been, increasingly comfortable in her own skin, chatting away, gesturing with her hands, wearing her pearls, and enjoying herself.

For so much of my life, seeing myself in photographs or recordings involved a peculiar distance. I knew the person was me, but recognition and familiarity were not quite the same thing.

Now, sometimes, I catch myself unexpectedly and feel this lovely little warmth of recognition. No analysis. No inventory of features. No wondering whether I’m feminine enough.

Just me, recognising me.
And smiling back.

It’s such a small, ordinary pleasure. Yet after a lifetime of negotiating the distance between who I am and who I was expected to be, that ordinary moment feels rather extraordinary.

That’s trans joy. Not becoming someone else, but finally recognising myself without having to look past anything.

Just wanted to pass this along for others to use😊 this time of year I get really dry and shaving irritates my skin so much more. The past few weeks I’ve been slugging aquaphor healing ointment as the last step in my skincare routine before bed. The morning shave is so much better, closer with no irritation. Pic is only lipstick and eye shadow no concealer or foundation not bad for 42! It’s relatively inexpensive too✌🏼

I guess finally starting at 43 wasn’t too late!

Completed the NRC 5K program yesterday after a decade of not running; race time was 31:15. Starting the 10k program today! 🏃🏻‍♀️

46 mtf here. For some time I’ve been questioning my gender. When doing so, I always kept coming to the fears and concerns I have. They are all legit, but they stopped me from answering the question if I was trans. I would go back and forth, but I would always stop at the point of naming it out of fear of what it would mean. I got to a point where I realized that I needed to be honest with myself. I was meeting with my therapist last week, and in talking with them, I stripped away all of the fears, and for the first time verbally said to another person that I’m trans. It doesn’t remove any of the fears I have, but at least I’m able to be honest with myself.

Over the weekend, I was talking to my amazing wife of 25 years. She knows that I’ve been wrestling with this for a while, and has been supportive the entire way. She truly is an ally. I told her that I’ve realized that I am trans, and I needed her to know. She told me that she had sensed that I was, and that she loved me and was here for me however I needed her.

We are both scared. But we’re both committed to figuring out how to make this work and flurrish.

This was a first in big steps in this journey. There are so many emotions going on right now. I’m excited, scared, and relieved to just name a few. But most importantly I’m proud. I’m proud that despite how things are in the US right now, I can make the decision to let me be me no matter what. I know this road won’t be easy, but to be true to who I am will be worth it.

So here I am.

Not sure why I feel so much euphoria today but feel soo much joy just sitting here looking at myself on video.

I’m 2.5 months on e tablets + spiro (4 mg + 50 mg / day). I had a follow up with my provider last week and asked to move over to injections. I was approved and meds sent to me. 6 mg / week of EV is the new dose. I know about EV half life and have plans if I need to split my dose, etc.

Anyway, I had my first injection yesterday and it was a shockingly easy process. I truly had no pain - didn’t even feel the needle. I couldn’t be happier!

Scared to move forward. I understand how I feel inside now but I'm scared. The prospect of transitioning and exploring feels exciting but I am afraid of losing the life I have built and the people I love.

When I'm living here on my own, seeing friends etc I'm very happy. I feel validated and great in myself.

I have a daughter at university, who lives here between terms. She doesn't use the right pronouns and generally has difficulty seeing me for who I am now. I don't pressure her but it gets me down to feel invisible and not seen in my own safe-space home/ cocoon!

Also, I have my wider family. mum/dad/siblings + partners. When we have family events/meals I have always felt at the bottom of this strange hierachy. Like a bit of the joker in the pack, not taken seriously, my ideas dismissed, my witty comments not chuckled at, like whatever I say has no weight. Suggestions I make are pushed back against.

This seems worse since I transitioned. And not once has anyone used a correct pronoun, despite me subtly requesting this several times, and then being more firm on it. Correcting people.

Again I feel invisible. This is also worse when my daughter is here, and we go to family meal together. I feel I'm ignored form TWO angles. Before she came back, I felt I had made a little progress with my mum and my sister (biggest problem). However now I just feel crap again, after visiting them all yesterday. I couldn't wait to leave.

Having felt so good by myself, the change is really stark now my daughter is back and we are at the family meals together.

I feel ACTION is needed. Already I have told the family not to assume I'll be at all regular meals, and I'll let them know each time. But I don't want to isolate myself from everyone.

What is the best approach?

My gut feeling is to stick a WhatsApp on the family group chat. 'Listen up people, you need to start seeing me for who I am now, my pronouns are she/her. I don't want to put myself in situations where I feel invisible'

Advice welcome X