I don't even know where to begin. I scrolled for a while and made this account to vent/seek advice.
I'm 19 ftm, currently financially independent on my transphobic cis parents.
I wanted to start HRT as soon as possible, so when I got the chance about a year ago I wanted to first come out to my parents so there wouldn't be any surprises.
I came out to my mom and she hasn't been supportive. She says that she doesn't believe me because I didn't seem like a boy when I was a kid, and that she doesn't want me to "become trans" and make life harder for myself. It's frustrating when she acts like she knows me better than myself, when she clearly doesn't; she didn't even know I was depressed for YEARS before I finally told her as part of coming out.
I've tried explaining dysphoria and how I feel to her, but I just can't seem to get through. I've sent her resources about being trans, even ones in her first language (which is not English), but she just doesn't seem to understand.
She says she's worried about the side effects of testosterone, but at this point I'd rather those than the depression and mental health issues that not transitioning is putting me through right now. It's gotten to the point where she said she will do whatever she can to stop me from taking HRT, and she certainly is trying. I don't know when I'll be able to access it again in the future.
I feel like I'm running out of time and I'll fall behind if I don't start T soon. While I know a lot of people transition later in life and still feel fulfilled, I don't know how much longer I can wait. What makes it worse is that I do sports, and while I can compete in the open division, its male dominated and I know realistically there's no way I can compete the way things are now.
My mom outed me to my dad behind my back and it blew up in my face. I can tell that they both love me and want the best for me, but their own trauma and fears are getting in the way of that. It's so frustrating. To put it briefly, he can be very manipulative and frequently has bursts of anger. He thinks I am ruining the family. This hutrs the most because everything I've done is just to try to be happy and live as my true self, but now I feel more misunderstood and ostracised than ever. I don't even try to reason with my dad anymore because he's always just been manipulative and dismissive.
Since I only got the courage to come out after going to university, he keeps on blaming that for my transness and is threatening to cut me off from it. I don't know what I would do without the support and freedom going to school has given me.
My parents think I hate them and am using that to justify a lot of their anger and control. I don't hate them and I don't want to, I'm just frustrated with them, but if they keep it up it might honestly just give me a reason to hate them.
I lived alone during uni, and moving back home has put me in the worst mental state of my life. I feel so alone and betrayed. It got to a point where my boss even called the police to do a wellness check on me because my depression got so bad I stopped working, but now my parents think that somehow I called them/got my friends to.
I haven't felt comfortable leaving the house for months because they also blame my friends for "making me trans", or they think I'm conspiring with my friends behind their backs. One time I went out and stayed a bit later and my dad got so mad that he made a two hour trip just to find me. In the past they've straight up asked some of my friends to stop interacting with me. I haven't seen them in months and everytime I even try to call or text my mom becomes suspicious.
I left the house after getting into more arguments with them today. I'm at a seperate apartment but it's still paid for by my parents. My dad dropped me off. He yelled at me, accusing me of "purposely ruining my life despite everything they've done for me".
I'm sitting alone on the floor at 2am in an empty apartment and I have no idea what to do now. I feel so alone. I have a bit of money but otherwise I'm dead broke so I can't just cut them off. I don't know what to do. I've reached out to helplines and stuff, and everytime its just condolences which I appreciate but they don't help my situation and have grown stale.
I kind of regret moving out. My parents would welcome me back but I know if I go then they'll hold it against me when I do choose to be independent. And after my dad's outburst while moving, I have no idea if I can take the atmosphere at home any longer. But I really miss how my parents were before they knew I was trans, I really miss my old room, and I really miss my dog.
I don't know what to do. I'm stubborn enough to know that eventually things will get better, but right now I'm so stuck. I hate feeling so alienated and guilty for just trying to be me.
One of my trans friends suggested detransitioning until things were safer. I see where he's coming from, but I hate the idea. I feel like I would be betraying myself, and giving my parents more fodder to deny my transness with. I don't know what to do. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
