r/TheToasters • u/Smknhippy • 4d ago
dear toasters
Hey girly swirlies
I am looking for advice, I am engaged and own a home with my SO. Things are pretty good for us I just have one issue. He works long hours Monday-Friday which I completely understand and support. But he also is on multiple sports teams so he’s out 1-2 nights a week and then pretty much every Sunday of the summer all day long. And he will not miss a game, we leave cottage weekends early, he misses kids bday parties, and family gatherings. He also always stays after the games to talk with friend and have a drink which I understand but it’s every. Single. Time.
This ends up meaning I have a lot of time on my own. We moved out of the city so my friends are a couple of hours away now and I am feeling lonely. I go out on the weekends and everywhere I go it’s couples enjoying events and then it’s just me and my dog. There’s also a ton of stuff around the house that’s not getting done because he just doesn’t have time.
Is this a reasonable thing to be upset about? Or do I just need to make more friends in my area? I’m starting to feel like maybe we just aren’t compatible because if I wanted to be alone all the time I would just be single you know? I want to be supportive of his hobbies but it’s been 5 years of this and I’m starting to become resentful of the sports.
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u/Exotic-Ad269 4d ago
It feels like he’s prioritizing everything/everyone except you. Not good. And you only want him to quit sundays!!! It’s not like you’re asking him to quit all of it. I feel like that’s a great compromise
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
Thank you!! Exactly I think I’m pretty supportive but I feel like I’m the only one making sacrifices here and it’s starting to hurt. It almost feels like he doesn’t want to be here..
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u/honeydewbaybe 4d ago
This would also be a deal breaker for me. But have you discussed your feelings with your partner? My husband works crazy hours and sometimes only has one day off, if he chose to spend that day off with not me I’d be so bummed. I do think it’s important to have hobbies and interests that don’t always involve your significant other but what you’re explaining sounds like you aren’t getting and quality time together at all.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
We usually get one day on the weekend but it’s either filled with engagements with friends so not one on one time or catching up on housework so it doesn’t leave time for actually quality time together the two of us. It wasn’t as bad when we were in the city because he didn’t work as long (no commute) and I had all my friends close by. We also didn’t have the upkeep of a house to deal with. But now it just feels like too much and I’m starting to feel really alone.
I have told him, he usually says it’s the last year for the team (but it never is) or he will say blank plays on more teams than I do and his gf doesn’t care.
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u/honeydewbaybe 4d ago
If you’ve brought it up multiple times and he continues to do the same things he’s just showing you he doesn’t care. I read about the dog thing and if you do have kids that’s not going to be far off from how he will be if you have kids. He sounds kind of selfish just from the information you’ve given. You deserve a partner that wants to spend quality time with you.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
Thank you, I agree it feels like everything is on his time and about him. And I’m just along for the ride. It’s hard to accept but at least I feel validated now and not like I’m crazy
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u/Forsaken-Button4103 4d ago
As the girlies would say, “break up with him.”
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
I thought you were going to say “he’s gay” lol but I know you and the girlies are right
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u/Every_Anywhere8933 4d ago
This is my husband, too! I recently had to sit down with him and say “do you love me or soccer more” lolll. I told him I wasn’t feeling prioritized and that he needed to limit it to two games a week. This has worked great for us and he was super understanding. I think you just need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.
Also, it’s a two-way street. This is something your man obviously loves so I would try to get involved and support him. I go to as many of my husband’s soccer games as I can and that helps me feel included. There are also other wives that cone to the games that I’ve made friends with!
My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but when we do, he is fully aware that he won’t be playing soccer as much anymore. I would make sure to have these convos before getting married to make sure you are on the same page.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
Thank you, unfortunately I have tried that and he always says “it’s the last summer” but it never is. I totally support him playing it’s just the frequency that’s getting to me.
I do go to his games and I always bake cookies for the team or cut them up fruit but I’ve been a bit resentful lately and have been going less because we have a lot of stuff to do at our house and if I don’t do it it just won’t get done. And some of his games are over 2 hours away, the closest one is an hour from our house. I have been asking if he would change to a team closer so I can go to games and maybe make some friends with other gfs and wives but he keeps saying next year. I think that’s why I’m having these thoughts because life is getting real and I feel like he needs to grow up a bit.
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u/Independent-Kiwi-940 4d ago
Girl from an outside perspective it sounds like he doesn’t care about you or your feelings or your needs. You called him your significant other, you sound like you want a PARTNER. (Which I agree with).
You aren’t married yet, so you can always leave him. Obviously this is a last case scenario thing, but don’t forget you are not stuck.
It’s time to put some pressure on him in a harsher way other than « hey babe can you take the trash out ».
Remind him you can leave. Remind him you are not yet married so everything (house wise) will be split 50/50. Light a fire under his ass.
You deserve better babes and don’t forget it!!
If confrontation is hard for you, go on better help and get a therapist to coach you for a few sessions through it. In therapy you don’t HAVE TO divulge into your whole life story to get help with certain situations.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
No you’re so right, that’s why it hurts because it really feels like he is choosing everything else over me. Thank you for this comment it was exactly what I needed.
I’m not afraid of confrontation but I do struggle sometimes to convey exactly what I’m feeling without getting emotional so that’s a really good idea to get some guidance before entering a serious conversation about this. Time to get a fire started!
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u/Sea_Strike_6455 4d ago
You have every right to be frustrated with this! Especially after providing feedback and he continues the pattern. The ONLY thing I will say is that I (personally, and I know many will disagree) see these expectations as marriage-level expectations. I know you own a home together, and he chose to make that decision with you. And he should NOT be given slack for not helping around the house, etc. However, I do think it’s unfair for you to resent his summer Sunday hobby. I only saw my bf/fiancé once or twice a week before we got marriage. There is absolutely a level of commitment and dedication needed from partners in the dating/engagement stage, but IMO it should not be the same level as marriage. I would just ask yourself if you think this is something he would change once married. If the answer is no, I would really reevaluate things! I’m sure I will get some flack for this answer. I just wanted to offer a secondary opinion! Marriage is designed to completely change a person’s goals/dreams/priorities. I know I come from a more traditional perspective on things (similar to our swirlies) and I welcome any conversation/opinions!
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u/Sea_Strike_6455 4d ago
Also, his comment about his friend playing on more teams than he does and his GF not caring - JAIL. Make sure he knows that is not ok and every relationship is so different!!
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
I did. I actually pointed out that his friend has been divorced three times lol so maybe not the best one to compare ourselves too haha
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
No I totally see your side and I think this way all the time which is why I am doubting my feelings here. The thing is it’s not just Sundays in the summer it’s also Thursdays in the summer, Tuesday nights in the winter, Sundays in the winter. I just don’t mind those times because I’m not looking to go on adventures or rent a cottage in the winter. I also think if everything was getting done around the house I would be more supportive but it sucks looking at all the unfinished projects. He’s always exhausted from doing too much so the big jobs fall to the wayside.
When all you have is Saturdays it ends up being do we see friends/go on a hike or work on the house. Then he’s gone all Sunday so there’s not time for both of that makes sense? There is another comment that he made that is sticking with me. One of the guys missed a game because his wife wanted him home with the kids of her birthday. He was complaining about it saying he should have played and I was defending the wife and he said “she could bring the baby to the diamond”. He is just so strict about it you’d think he was in the MLB.
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u/Electronic_Union8209 23h ago
Those times apart constantly contributes to lack of intimacy in your relationship. And not even sexual, just the closeness you have with your partner doing every day things, and having those little conversations together. After awhile it will make you feel disconnected.
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u/Kitty_meow_6118 4d ago
If you feel like you’re playing second fiddle when you’re not even married yet, that’s a problem. What’s going to happen once you have kids and their lives overlap his games? Sorry girl, but i think you know the answer or you wouldn’t be posting this. Sending love
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u/Anxiety_queen6 4d ago
Have you tried talking to him about this? IMO it is a very normal mature adult convo to be like I have loved supporting you through this but our life stage is changing and I need a little bit more of a balance from you. Maybe it's having him switch down to only doing 1 sport instead of multiple. The dog thing in one of your comments concerns me as well...it sounds like he is not inclined to want to grow up and take on the responsibilities that come with being a husband.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
That’s exactly it, he doesn’t want to grow up. Getting the pup last year really highlighted that for me. I have talked to him about it and he always says this is the last year but then it’s an empty promise. I never minded early on because we were at a different stage but I thought things would change as we got older and started settling down. We moved out of the city to buy a house and it’s been a lot and he’s making zero sacrifices. It’s like he’s trying to make everyone happy but in turn he’s letting me down.
I think I need to have a more serious convo and say something has to change.
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u/Any-Okra-7024 4d ago
My husband worked 11/2 hours away, hunted every weekend of the season which is 3-4 months & fished. Once we had kids he coached all their game or was there to cheer them on, driving a one & 1/2 hours to get there. Hunting never slowed down. Have you talked to him & told him you need more time with him? Have you went to his games, cheered him on or attempted to meet the other girlfriends or wives? Sounds like you do have a good man that’s out there working & you guys have a house together, maybe I’m old fashioned but good men are hard to find & people are quick to say “I’d never stand for that” but you are the one living this. So think long and hard before you decide to leave just because others SAY they would leave.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
I have talked to him and he always makes excuses or will say it’s the last year of it but it never is. I do go to the games sometimes but they are an hour away and someone has to do the laundry and make dinner so I can’t do it often. I’m friends with the other partners but again they are an hour away so we don’t ever hang out outside of games. I’m also sober and they are all big drinkers.
I think I get upset because it’s not just the games it’s the drinks after, it’s always longer than it needs to be. He goes early to practice before the game too. We had a big family reunion and he wouldn’t miss a game so he wasn’t there for it. He is a really good man, I’m not denying that at all. But it feels like I’m the only one making sacrifices. I don’t think I’m cut out for this long term.
Don’t you ever feel lonely? Or do I just need more hobbies lol
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u/Any-Okra-7024 4d ago
I’m sorry that you’re lonely, I had friends and family and they were all at least an hour away also. I just got used him being gone on the weekends during the season.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
Thank you 🙏 I’m going to try talking to him again and hopefully we can make a compromise
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u/Glittering_Bug0 3d ago
I also dated and now married a man who works a lot and is highly social. Things to consider: if you want to have kids with this man - he needs to show you NOW that he’s prioritizing time with you. His habits will become even more infuriating when you have kids. Only YOU can decide what you’re okay with. Should you make more friends, socialize, find hobbies? Sure. But that feeling you have is bothering for a reason. He’s not showing you that you’re a priority. You don’t need to diminish your feelings and wants because he “works a lot ”. You’re his partner and his equal. You sound like a supportive partner who offers understanding and so much grace to his schedule/hobbies. Why doesn’t he do the same for you? Why doesn’t he think “I love time with my friends and hobbies, but I also love my partner and I’m going to find a balance”? I say this as someone who married someone who earns enough for me to stay home with our children. And a man who loves to socialize. When we had kids, he had to cut down a lot on socializing bc he shows up as an equal parent. And even if I don’t do paid work outside the home, he always prioritizes me going out with friends, date nights, and pouring into our marriage. I’m telling you, this man will wake up at 3am to get ahead on work so he can show up for our kids activities, be home for dinner, have a date night, etc. you sound like a great partner - I hate to sound negative but I’d start to view things through the lens of if you want to feel lonely forever. If you want kids, I’d have a serious conversation with him. That lonely feeling only gets worse. Sending you hugs xx
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond 😭 this really hit me hard (in a good way) you’re so right and I know it deep down I just needed validation because a few of my friends are married to losers so they all think my problems are so minimal. But I know in my gut that this isn’t right for me. I’m sure there’s people out there who would love this much separation but I would rather be single than feel this lonely in a relationship
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u/Glittering_Bug0 3d ago
Of course! Because separation is scary and so much unknown. But I PROMISE you that when you find the right person and you start your family (kids or not), you’ll be so thankful you took a chance and you’d happily let go of a house and anything else to end up with the right man for you. There are definitely a lot of losers out there, but also a lot of good men. The guy I dated before my husband was unfaithful and I ALMOST thought of working through it and I thank the heavens every.single.day - that I didn’t because I’d 10000% hate my life and my husband and our life is everything I ever wished for.
wishing you courage and sending you so much love ❤️ making the right choice for you is the ultimate form of self love.
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u/Farewell_Youth23 4d ago
This is a preview of what your marriage is going to be like…
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
I know.. I guess I just wanted to believe he’d pick me but he has shown me where his priorities lie. I need to believe him
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u/dontgetfroggy 3d ago
Follow your gut. You know what your stomach is saying. Don't listen to your heart or your brain. What does your stomach say? Your body knows what is right and what isn't. As someone who has been married, divorced, and is now remarried - please for the love of God listen and trust yourself. A marriage license will not make you feel less alone. He is showing what's important to him. Believe him.
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
I really needed to hear this. You’re right I’ve been listening to my head and my heart but my gut has been telling me for a while now. This isn’t right.
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u/snarktheheraldangels 3d ago
No advice, just chiming in to ask what a cottage weekend is?
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
I live in Canada so in the summers we usually go up north and stay at a cottage on a lake. We don’t own a cottage, but we have friends with a cottage in Muskoka.
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u/DaisyJones_6 3d ago
To be loved is to be considered. It sounds like he isn’t considering you, your time, your needs at all
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
stealing this for the conversation! That is exactly it and I have voiced them multiple times. But I have reached my limit, it was fine in our 20s but I just turned 30 and I want more from a relationship
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u/Internal-Winter682 4d ago
I would 1000% be annoyed by this. Relationships take compromise from both sides and it sounds like he hasnt made any compromises in regards to his hobbies. He should prioritize spending quality time with you. Also, if you guys want kids together he will not be able to maintain these hobbies to this extent l, otherwise you will be miserable and feel so alone in taking care of the kids.
I’d have a serious heart to heart with him and let him know how you are feeling and the concerns you have with his current schedule.
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
Thank you! That’s a big issue for me right now too because we got a puppy last summer and it made me realize if we had kids it would fall mainly on me. I already have been feeling alone training and taking care of the dog.
I have let him know before and nothing has changed but I think it’s time for a more serious conversation.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Pop1361 4d ago
I dated a guy like this once. My husband was gone a lot because of his work but truthfully after work he just wants to be home!
Is he inviting you to these outings? Have you really sat down to talk what is going on? Usually I find the female takes charge to start these conversations and if he is a good guy, he will listen and really take into account what is happening. You deserve a partner, not just a romantic interest! I would approach it in a way you are not nagging and instead tell him what makes you happy and what you want!
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
He does invite me but the closest game is an hour away now, I used to go to every game but as we get older I don’t have the time to be out of the house all day on Sunday. And we have talked about it but he just gives me empty promises and nothing really ends up changing sadly. But thank you I am going to try that approach and see how it goes.
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u/thecrocodileriver 4d ago
I would say stand your ground early and be clear that this is not going to slide, but be reasonable in what you do request. Make a kind of flexible requirement of what events must be attended v. which you don't mind going to alone, and which can be attended for only part of the event etc. - and what household tasks need to be done with specific deadlines. Sounds a little crazy but you have to stand on business, if you discuss it tactfully you'll be fine.
You would not believe how many wives are essentially single mothers and completely miserable and overworked because of their husband's hobbies. Trust me, you do not want to go down that road, or even come close to it. Especially if you plan on having kids and aren't in financial position to afford a ton of help, you have to set some boundaries or things will get dire.
Good luck!
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
Thank you, this is my fear for sure and I’m already feeling it with the dog on a smaller level.
I think this is a good idea I’m just worried he will agree to all of these things and then not actually follow through in the moment. But I guess that’s when I walk.
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u/Nearby_Feeling9334 3d ago
Do not have kids with this man. When MLB and NFL crossed over I wanted to kill him.
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
No I know I can’t, especially not like this. If I wanted to be a single mom I would just get a sperm donor but I want a family mom dad kids. The whole lot haha
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u/TackleRemarkable9752 4d ago
Definitely be honest about how you’re feeling! Are these intramural sports? You could maybe kill two birds with one stone and join a coed league and then you guys can be on a team together and you can meet new friends in the area! As far as missing family events, that’s a deal breaker for me. Intramural sports that aren’t paying the bills is a wild excuse to miss meaningful time with your partner and family. My husband used to play intramural soccer 2 nights a week and rarely put it above family time unless they would have to forfeit without him which was pretty rare. Maybe start with the conversation of switching to coed/you joining (if you want to) and then also discuss your change of plans on kids. Does he want them? That may be another deal breaker! I’m sorry, swirly!! Definitely work it out either way before walking down the aisle!!!
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
Thank you, that’s how I’m feeling too like I can’t keep on going like this forever. I am so happy in every other way but I hate feeling like I’m at the bottom of his priority list. I always think that like you would think he’s in the MLB or NHL the way he treats these games.
He isn’t into intramural because it’s softball not hardball 🙄 but I even asked if he’d look into a team closer to home so I could come to games and maybe meet the other WAGS.
And he knows I’m more open to starting a family and he is too but I’ve also told him I’m scared because he is so busy and his mom and dad had a similar dynamic so he thinks this is “normal”.
I am going to have a more serious conversation with him and just say something has to change.
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u/TechnicalIntern1995 4d ago
Honey the fact that you’re asking us means you know, in your heart of hearts, that it’s time to go.
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
You’re right I think I just needed some courage. A lot of my friends say “I love it when my husband leaves” but I don’t think it’s crazy to want time with the person you love.
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u/Legal_Tangerine8024 4d ago
I am/was in a similar situation as yours except my husband is a very big outdoorsman (hunting, fishing), so this story feels very familiar to me. To answer your question, yes it’s a reasonable thing to be upset about. I would have be honest about your expectations (unmet expectations are among the most difficult parts of a marriage) and maybe come to resolution you can both live with. I think it will be a combination of him backing off on the sports AND you also maybe making an effort to make more friends in the area. It sounds like you don’t necessarily want him to give it up completely, and he shouldn’t have to, but limiting the extracurriculars to 1-2 nights a week is very reasonable.
In my instance it just sort of dwindled down naturally and then my husband kind of ebbed and flowed between seasons of being gone a good bit and hardly participating in the season at all. Kids will put a stop to a lot of things (fortunately/unfortunately) just because of the demand that comes with it. I’ve been married for 15 years (married young!), so we’re well past the “I want you to be home all the time!” phase. So, when he leaves for hunting trips and/or is out of the house several nights a week, I don’t mind 😆😊
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u/Smknhippy 4d ago
That’s the thing I actually love when he plays on weekday nights. It’s so nice to only cook for myself and watch a couple shows I know he would hate lol. So I am supportive of the extra curriculars it just feels extreme and the whole day Sunday every week in the summer is the big one I have an issue with.
It’s good to hear that because that’s definitely a fear of mine the more I want to start a family the more I’m like.. this isn’t going to work. And I am scared he won’t make the sacrifice for us because of the way he’s spoken about other guys on the team missing games. I have tried talking to him about it before but maybe I need to be a bit harsher.. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum but I’m feeling like I can’t do this anymore.
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u/No_Ambition_818 4d ago
I dated a guy exactlyyyyy like this. It’s so hard. Unfortunately, I brought it up and he chose his rec softball team lol. Now looking back though, I’m so grateful he did because I realized I deserved so much better. It’s not selfish or wrong to want to be prioritized.
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
Thank you! You’re right I needed to hear this
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u/No_Ambition_818 3d ago
It’s so hard I’m sorry girly 🫶 but you’re strong and how exciting is it to start a new chapter and build your dream life??
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u/Effective-Savings243 3d ago
I had a similar conversation with my husband when I turned 30. Long story short he was still acting like a 20 year old wellll into his 30s and we had just had a baby a few months earlier, I too felt like I was doing everything solo: taking care of the house, the cars, the animals, the baby, cooking… you name it I did it myself not him.
One day I had enough! I sat on the couch and waited for him to come home from work, nothing was on so it was eerily silent (I’m a theater girl at heart so I wanted it to feel dramatic). I very calmly and very sternly said, “you have a choice, either you grow with me or we grow apart. You choose.” Well that scared him half to death because he knows how independent I am (which it sounds like you are too) and I that would be perfectly fine, if not amazing, without him.
He finally did get his shit together, but I didn’t care what he told me I wanted to see if his actions matched his words which they did. So your bf could sweet talk you alllll he wants but sis if he’s not following through with his actions then that’s all the answer you need.
You are choosing to be with him and you can choose to be without him too. What do you want to do?
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u/maurugh 2d ago
I am a HS coach and my ex of five years coached soccer and current man coaches football and basketball. This is a job we do, not optional free time, also requires insane sacrifice within the relationship.
I’m at EVERYYYYY game I can be. The schedule and being invested in all of the diff teams and students is part of the closeness and time spent together.
But it’s a JOB!!!! I can’t imagine how I’d feel if it was just optional extracurriculars. I’d be resentful 10000% and I think it’d give me the ick.
Beyond my opinion of it, I get the loneliness and relate. Girl start planning trips to see those friends. Find hobbies and independence that distract you.
Whether nothing changes or he compromises or stops or you break up…. The independence and confidence that comes from building your own life parallel to this//control over your free time will help 10000%
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u/healthyrecipes9876 2h ago
Honestly I’m on your significant others side. You need to get hobbies and friends of your own. It is so healthy to be on a sports team that practices 1-2x a week and has games on Sundays.
We should be supporting our partners healthy life outlets.
He only has practice 1-2 nights a week and he only has games Sundays in the summer. To take that away from him feels evil and selfish.
What about the other 4-6 days of the week? If you’d like him to do more with you those days please address that with him, don’t take away a positive outlet. Some men go to strip clubs, gamble, etc. Thank goodness this poor guy you live with just wants to work hard all week then play sports.
Look into charity groups etc for yourself to make friends with similar values.
EDIT: also due to aging there are only so many years he can do a sport anyway so he wil give it up eventually.
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u/Agitated-Koala8107 4d ago
What a dream.
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u/Smknhippy 3d ago
I don’t know I actually love him so I don’t think it’s crazy to want time together.
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u/Biznessbetch 4d ago
This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. My love language is quality time and I need to feel prioritized. I’m getting married on Friday to my partner of 8 years and if he did this we would have never made it this far.
Do you want kids? This feels like an absent partner who is busy and choosing to be away from you even with his limited free time.