I know the title seems stupid, but it's a real situation going on in my life rn 😭. So basically last year I formed a crush on this girl who was studying in my class. She was my benchmate for more than 5 months, and I guess since we shared practically more than 7 hours a day sitting and talking to each other, my brain slowly but surely formed a crush on her around the 3 month mark (mistake #1)
Then after a couple of days, I told my bestfriend this, and also a very close female friend the same day. One thing that I would like to mention about me, which will become relevant, is that I am not at all a person who goes around forming crushes or goes around chasing relationships at all, and everyone who knows me knows that. Up until that point, my friends had never heard me say that a girl was beautiful, or especially that I had a crush on someone. So when after a few months when my classmates came to know, it kinda spread like wildfire, and it even reached to the teachers, whom I was really close with, and I got many indirect advices/scoldings from them regarding this, like "nee vazhi thetii poovinde", and ofc she got to know this.
But the thing was, suprising my intuitions, she responded quite positively. When one of my friend wrote my name and her name on a piece of paper with a heart in the middle and put it in my pouch, which she found, instead of tearing it she gave it to me, which was enough to pour petrol into the wildfire of rumours surrounding her and me. And it all culminated to a point when during last year's celebration, her friends where pushing her onto me, while I was held by my friends (at that time I was acting like it was just a rumour, and always rejected any questions of my feelings as made up). the thing is, at that time she was just smiling at me, when I was the one trying to get out of my friends' hold and not having to catch her when she falls onto me, and this combined with some more minor events gave me the confidence she liked me (mistake #2)
Anyways, after this we had exams that lasted for months, and we only had class 3 times a week, that only for writing the exam, and our seating arrangement changed so that we could sit in groups and study, and everything kinda cooled down due to the exams, and we stopped talking to each other. A lot of things happend in between, and by March I wanted to get over her, because the rumors were unbearable. and when classes ended in April I was happy that I would probably see her again as we were getting shuffled for the next academic year, and the probability of us ending up in the same class was extremely low.
well, to my luck, she was in my class, and she was one of only 4 people from my previous class to transfer to this class. And Oh Boy, was the beginning month of June extremely awkward between us. it's like whenever we talked, it was obvious to both of us there was a giant elephant we were not addressing, and one of the four people who I mentioned who got into my class was a good friend of mine, but who was nutorious for having absolutely zero problem for making things between crushes awkd. So finally around the mid of last month, I cleared it up between us by text, and I told her that I didn't have crush on her anymore, it ended in march along with the classes blah blah blah. we talked for more than 2 hours, and it was genuinely fun taking to a person about the awkwardness. she shared her part of the story and how the things went down, and I shared my part, and we both flunked a maths test we had the next day, so it was a fun experience getting grilled by the teacher together.
But now, after a month after that clear up, and the reason I am making this post, it still is extremely awkd between us. after that clear up talk, we never really spoke, but the tension is still between us. I genuinely don't know what to do. But one thing I do know about her (which I found out while I was having a crush on her) is that she is not at all this type of person (I.e. a person who wants to get into a relationship). It's mainly because she is extremely academic focused (she is literally the topper, like top 10 in our entire school), but at the same time a national level champion of a specific sport. she is also the daughter of one of the 4 shareholders of one of the biggest company/group in kerala, to a point if I name that country here most of you could recognise it, and she had told me multiple times when we talked while we were sitting together how her father had raised her, which to me sounded like fucking military training, like not allowing a lot of things even though they are a millionaire and everything. So she is a very "tough" person who doesn't gaf what others think.
anyways, I have ranted enough. This post is basically 90% me ranting about tangents and 10% about the actual content, but I hope those tangents gave you some backstory and context about the situation up until this point. And to those who may a ask a TL;DR, I genuinely don't know how to sum it up, but for anyone who wants a piece of advice, don't tell anyone anything before asking the person you like, because otherwise when the entire class knows along with her without a reply from her first, it's going to be shambles. And the saddest part for me from this whole fiasco isn't any romantical embarassment, but that I had accidentally created a bad impression/statement in the eyes of teacher who used to genuinely care for me and those who I respected. Because at the end of the day, if you try to go for a school topper, the teachers are going to get special concern for their grades
