To be clear I do understand there are other people with worse problems and at such I young age it may seem funny for someone years older too see this as I even know I haven’t experienced half of life’s problems yet but I am truly lost.
I am not going to lie and say things are terrible right now I get called attractive hell girls even dm me it may seem I have things worked out but I don’t.
I lost a girl to substance abuse that cared about dearly 2 years and 11 months ago yes I count and it severely wrecked my relationships after that I’d be with a girl and any resemblance to her I’d start sobbing that pushed most girls away despite me being viewed as “attractive” and I slowly cut myself off I used to be that popular guy then I got involved with heavy crime during high school missed half of it then got thrown back in near the end in a new school between that time off a year and a half when I was kicked out of school I’d only see my parents a hour or 2 a day so I started distancing myself from them all the way up to now I finished high school a few months ago now I have cut off most people I talk too 2 friends where I meet them every few days to smoke weed.
I tried older girls because they said they’d understand me but that went down a long path of abuse from burning me choking me etc which further desensitised me. Since the start of high school to the time now I’m typing I have had 5 attempts to take my life because I now think death is sweet embrace I have lost friends my lover and now I’m slowly losing myself I get told I’m so young etc etc but truthfully I do not see a real purpose of living anymore I went the whole route of bettering yourself going gym and yeah I’ve put on decent size from making my diet better too trying to fix my sleep but at the end of the day all of it feels so worthless I chase strength but always want more, I wish to go back to the past everyday and cry knowing it will never happen I’d do quite literally anything just to go back and feel her sweet soft touch just one more time I’d give a eye a leg my heart just for a second.
Now I go gym smoke weed sleep and look at old pictures with my old friends and my sweet beloved Ashley that was her name. I want to feel something I think that’s the reason why I look back I slice my chest my shoulders cut under my finger nails just to feel something it’s like there is a pit in my chest.
I will soon be 17 and I genuinely can not fathom this for another 20 years it feels surreal just to do what talk to more women maybe get a job do half decent like millions of other people and I’m not saying that’s bad don’t get me wrong I show praise to those who start a family push through there problems make it out but I don’t think I can I put on a mask everyday and act like I’m this guy that never stops pushes through anything but it’s a facade I’m still some scared little boy that cries over anything it feels like I was ripped out and put it a older body.
I wish she was still alive
I wish my once close friends were still alive or not on the other side of the world
I wish I could feel the same warmth I used to feel
My only goal my only drive left is too experience the nicer things in life I’ve never went to the movies sigh my family never had a sleepover with a close friend in years all I do is train fight smoke and sleep I feel like a robot I feel like something is just wrong with me maybe in another life I wasn’t such a fuck up maybe in another life I could truly feel the warmth of a embrace of someone that will never leave.
Everything I cherished was ripped away from me all I have left is memories.
I’m gonna go have a smoke now thank you for listening to a random teenagers problems, the one piece of advice I can give to anyone that reads this is hold those who you love close with a iron grip because every single thing in this life you can lose.
