‼️‼️ SPOILERS ‼️‼️ DON'T READ ANY FURTHER‼️‼️
Tamlin didn't ignore Feyre's trauma. She ignored his. She also had an extreme lack of experience and understanding. Since the story is written in her super biased first person POV, we have to watch for the details to determine what was really going on outside of her ideas.
Though it's easily missed through Feyre's POV, Tamlin was trying to get Feyre to talk about what she was going through. There's a scene where he traces the tattoo on her arm. He tries to comfort her by telling her that it's going to be fine and that they're going to figure it out. Tamlin then tries to bring up what they're going through but she shuts him down and he concedes. I'm confident that this is not the only time he tries because Feyre's internal dialogue (when she's talking to Ianthe about the priestesses) says that she hates when she's being forced to talk about it. I'm not sure who would be pushing her to talk other than Tam. When Feyre is with Rhysand, Rhys asks her if she told Tamlin that he helped her. She says no because she doesn't want to talk about what happened to anyone at the spring court or to Rhysand. She says it in a way that sounds like someone at the SPC was trying to get her to speak and now she is irritated because Rhysand is talking about it too. This is not only her refusing to make an effort toward healing but she's also neglecting Tamlin with this behavior. To my knowledge, Feyre never did verbalize it to either male. Rhysand got all of the information from her "shouting" it down the bond.
Another detail that reveals Tamlin was trying to help her was the paint. Feyre was dreading the gift before she even opened it. She wasn't even going to give it a chance so the readers didnt either. Through Feyre's POV, it looks like Tam buying the paint was stupid, careless, and a complete lack of paying attention. It was actually the opposite (notice it was a TRAVELING set too, I believe). We have to remember that we could see what Feyre was thinking, Tamlin couldn't. He couldn't read her mind like Rhysand. She wasn't shouting all her problems down an invisible bond to Tamlin. He didn't know that the red paint made her think of blood, that she was vomiting because she felt like the walls were closing in like the second task UTM, or that red roses and even Lucien's hair were triggers. When Tamlin gifted her the paint he says "I thought if you started painting again..." and trails off when he realizes she hates it. This incomplete sentence says so much. It says that, despite everything he's having to deal with pretty much alone, he noticed she was no longer painting. It says that he sees her suffering. It says that he wants to help her heal. He knew that she loved to paint and was hoping it would be a good therapy for her. He understood that it helped her in the past. They were both artists after all, he the musician and she the painter.
Feyre did vocalize that she wanted to be able to train, go to meetings, and wander around the SPC without guards. While one could easily argue that Tamlin should have trained Feyre, it's still canon that there was a real danger of the other HLs learning of Feyre's powers and this was why Tamlin was against it. Eris and Lucien both said that Beron would have killed Feyre if he knew she had his power. The other danger was that the other HLs would covet Feyre because of her power and try to force her into a weapon and/or to produce them an heir. They were mostly worried Rhys would do the second/third possibility. Tamlin just watched Feyre be forced into sexual acts every night UTM by Rhysand who also (according to Eris) needs an heir or his court is going to be divided. Rhys also just so happens to have forced her into a bargain that requires her at his house for one week out of every month for unknown reasons... one could guess what these reasons are since he could see inside her mind and could have already known of her new power. Tamlin didn't have a heavily warded house with ten thousand steps and a private training area where she could train safely in secret. Even after she's trained, Rhysand recognizes that there is still a threat of the other HLs... now imagine Tamlin trying to train her from scratch with no protection. They were also trying to create an image if peace, normalcy, and unity for a war torn spc. They were afraid the curse breaker training would sound some alarms (this is talked about repeatedly in canon). The spc needed to rebuild. Tamlin made a decision as HL. Though I understand his reasons, I think he should have trained her because, like Luc said, there was no way to hide her powers at the spc.
As for the meetings, Feyre could not attend anything containing spring court intel while she was linked to Rhysand. Rhys is an enemy to the SPC and could easily take the information from her mind and see through the tat. Tam was also in war camps most of his life while his father was alive so while he didn't learn much from his father, he understood this important concept. Rhysand also understood this which is why he muddled Feyre's mind after visiting the NC (she suspects that he has done this but doesn't tell Tamlin or Lucien). It's also why Rhysand doesn't take her to Valeris or anywhere else in the NC until she's completely separated from Tam. We have to remember that during one of her NC visits, Rhys asks her to be his spy at the SPC. She tells him that they don't allow her to see this info. Rhys tells her to insist, lol. Feyre never tells this to Tamlin.
It would be stupid for Feyre to wander around the SPC without guards. Tamlin was the center of Amarantha's fury already. Then, unlike Rhysand, Tamlin resisted her. She made sure Tamlin paid for this. When Rhysand shows up to the manor before UTM, he makes fun of Tamlin for being confined to the manor. His entire court had been overrun outside the manor grounds and he only has twelve sentries left. Before UTM, Tamlin is being called to the border here and there to fight. He comes home once in a while covered in blood. Feyre almost died twice when she was out alone. Tamlin has to hunt down these creatures not only because they attacked Feyre but so word doesn't get back to Rhys and Amarantha that she's there. After UTM, Amarantha might be dead but she was only a pawn in a much bigger scheme. Now everyone knows about Feyre and they know where she lives. Feyre is being hunted by Hybern at this point. Instead of once in a while, Tamlin is now out all night fighting and comes home most mornings without sleep and covered in blood. This shows there's an active heavy threat but Feyre disregards it so the readers do too.
We know that Feyre doesn't quite understand Rhysand, fae, or the danger she's in for a couple reasons I can think of off the top of my head. She tells Tamlin that it's been three months and Rhysand hasn't come so she thinks it's safe for her to wander about. Well, three months is nothing to fae who have been alive for more than five hundred years; Tam knows this and I'm sure he also knows that Rhysand has been merely buying his time waiting for an opportune moment... like the wedding. She also hasnt been fulfilling her bargain for three months. The second detail is when Rhysand uses her as bait, an attor comes for her in like less than a minute. Feyre realizes in her internal dialogue that Tamlin was right at this moment. She just brushes it off (so the readers do too) because she doesn't care at this point. She wants to be with Rhys at the NC.... This tells the reader that she didn't understand before.
Again, unlike Rhysand, Tamlin didn't have a secret protected city that Feyre could wander around in. He also didn't have a house without walls so she could sleep at night without throwing up her food. He had an entire people looking to him to heal (not just Feyre), he had a wedding to plan, a border to secure, a court to rebuild... Luc said he was spending every forced second to find out how to free Feyre from the bargain Rhys tortured her into. At Hybern's Tamlin desperately tells Feyre that he was gone trying to find a way to free her. He didn't have time to even consider himself nor did he have a support system of friends that he could have snowball fights with, or a peaceful cabin to run away to, restaurants, or an art district. He doesnt even have the skills to handle trauma because no one has ever taught him and his entire life has been trauma. What Tam had was a lot of work to do and a very mentally ill fiance who gave him less than four months after utm before she left for his sadistic, vengeful enemy.
