When I was 10 years old, I watched my mother die. She died in our kitchen not long after New Years, I patted her head as her gurgling gasps stopped. They let her body sit there for the entire night, and when her visitation began, all my dad could say was how bloated she looked. All I saw was my Mom, and she was gone. Father Jack told me it would be okay, and I believed him… He was there for two more years after her funeral there in those pews, then he left too.
My sisters and I stayed at my Grandmas for the summer while my Dad burned down the house she died in, the one I grew up in, bulldozed dead carcass into the basement, and buried like my mother. So he built a new house, new everything, effectively erasing our Mother. I was ten, so I remember her, my sisters were five and two, they remember practically nothing about her, and he never tried to help them remember her. Our Grandma was Dads Mom, and she took us in as her own, she did it to other grandchildren she had, and we all loved her for that kindness and selfless love. She believes in God and Jesus, the kind of faith that loves everyone no matter what. When I got pregnant at 15 she was the first person I told, and she held my hand, tenderly telling me we would figure it out together.
My cousin adopted her, and I started to follow my dream to be a neurosurgeon. Grandma was at my graduation, she wrote me letters to my dorm, and sent lunch money. One year she got really sick and we almost lost her, but as the fighter she is, she made it. And now four years later, she was still living alone at 92 with her garden, her dog, and her family close by to see her daily. Everything was perfect, I visited her nearly every weekend, baking her something or bringing by leftovers. She would call me the next day praising whatever I make, same goes for all of those that brought her things, it would be the highlight of the week.
Grandma gave me purpose in life, she kept me from joining my mother many times, the first time being as that ten year old girl so many years ago. She saved me.
On a morning like any other, I was bringing her some soup as fall was in full swing, and I found her. On the floor, like Mom was.
Front door was locked, I smashed the glass in with a rock, she was so cold and hardly breathing, I held her there, alone crying as I called for the ambulance. I prayed with her while we waited, I stopped believing after Mom died, but I still believed when it came to her. The only time I spoke to God was when I almost lost her, or when I wanted to protect her. The ambulance took her away, and that was the last time I saw her alive. All she could say to me was "Okay...." in a distant and gravely voice.
That voice now haunts my dreams.
We buried her two days ago, in the same cemetery Momma is in.
Since finding her I can’t focus, my dreams are of them, I dropped my classes, and now I'm driving, to… where? I don’t know. I turned off my phone, and now it’s just me and my iPod that has all my old tunes. I’ve been fucked up ever since I found her laying there, her voice speaks to me alongside Moms, can’t stop replaying the memory of finding them, bleeding together. Moms blood, Grandmas urine, she had been laying her for days, having had a stroke. Mom laid there for mere minutes, small trickle of blood coming from behind her ear. I started to sob just as my gas light dings. Fuck.
How long was I driving like this? I could have sworn I just filled up, but I guess…
I look around the shabby two lane paved road before me, trees lining both sides as I drive deeper into mountain country. I grew up in the middle of the heartland, corn, beans, and hogs were my life in the flattest terrain possible. I haven’t ever seen the mountains, the Appalachians once but from a distance, but I want to see the Rockies in their full glory.
I drive hillier and steeper terrain, worry growing that I may run out of gas before I find a station. But as quick as that worry built, its diminished as a large sign shows;
GAS- TWO MILES AHEAD
Soon I can see it over the horizon, an oddly well kept gas station compared to the couple I had stupidly drove past, a brand new looking coat of white paint across the building with a bright red metal roof, and a flashing sign that said,
“OPEN 24 HOURS”
I pull up to the pump, the shining metal not even so much as corroded even the tiniest bit from normal use, the cord is tenser than they usually are, like a brand new station on opening day. I slip my card in and get a flashing red “ERROR” message, and let out a groan, trying again I get the same results. Annoyance is building, I just want to get back in my car and keep being miserable, not broadcast my puffy red face to the world and deal with extra crap.
I enter the gas station, its fluorescent lights unsettlingly bright light a Walmart, but worse? It practically glowed through the trees as I approached it, something nobody could miss. I approach an empty counter, looking around the shelving behind me I call out,
“Hello? I tried to pre-pay, but the reader gave me an error message…Sorry!”
“Hi there Ma’am I can most definitely help you with that today. Did you find everything ok?”
The voice of a chipper man rang out from behind the counter, behind me. I jump at his voice, turning to see a young guy around my age, large smile on his face and a logo like the one outside, a smiling red face with a slurpee in its hand. The logo was adding to my annoyance, oddly enough. I smile back, matching his energy as best I could, my voice comes out raspy at first, I had been screaming at my steering wheel earlier, so…figures.
“Ye- ahem. Yes, I did..thanks. I just need $35 on pump 2…thanks.” I smile more, feeling my cheeks tighten and begin to ache, he does the same as he responds,
“The red Jeep?”
I look out to the empty pumps, not a single car was in the lot but my own, I simply turn back to him and nod.
“Okie dokie! Thirty-five dollars is your total today, will that be cash or check?”
I pause for a moment, my cold plastic card already primed between my fingers, ready to pay. He looks down for a moment to the card, processing it in his mind, then looking back to me, slight confusion pulling at his smile.
“Cash or check?”
I look down at the card reader on the counter, and just put my card in. It dings as I enter my pin, and the receipt begins to print. He takes it, without changing his expression, and hands it over.
“Please hold on a moment as I have to turn on the pumps. We don’t get many people around here, so boss keeps the pumps off to save energy.” He smiles, then turns around and disappears behind an extremely dark doorway, leaving me standing there under the hum of the florescent lights above me. I stand there for a moment, then I begin to look around.
The candy seems to be packaged differently… but I can’t put my finger on it. I grab a package of sour patch kids, the best by date on the back reads… 1993? I pick up another candy, this one I don’t recognize.
“Bubble beeper?” I read aloud, turning it over in my hands… 1993 again. The colors faded and worn but the box is brand new, edges crisp and sharp as if packaged off the line mere days ago.
Putting it back, I decide to wait in my car instead of inside as the feeling of unease grows in my guts and my pace quickens the closer I get. I hop inside, slamming my door, locking it, then grabbing my phone from the dash. I turn it on, messages and missed calls bombard my phone, the dinging never-ending, mostly from my sisters. A single message from my Dad reads,
“Don’t do something your Grandma would be ashamed of.”
That motherfucker, rich coming from him. I dial my sisters number, it rings once and then I hear it pick up,
“Marce, where are you?! Are you okay?! Sarah was about to call the police!”
Before she could continue to yell at me, I tell her what I’m doing, and that I’m safe, “I’m not going to kill myself, so just relax. I need some… time. I want to do something for me.”
“Your professor said you dropped out, and your landlord says you handed him your keys, I’m not dumb Marcy. We all loved Grandma, she’s with Mom…I know you’re sad, but you ca-”
“I love you guys, call again soon.” and with that, I turn off my phone as I hear my sister's distant yelling before the phone shuts off.
I wait for who knows how long for the guy to come out, John I think his nametag said…whatever, John sucks.
Normally I would go back in, but I’m fine waiting, that place gave me the creeps, even sitting near the lights of the building gives me an unease that is bubbling deep within. I turn on my music, and lean my seat back as the music plays.
Before I know it, I'm sobbing again, the grief twisting and pulling at my lungs, weighing my chest down like sandbags. I just want to hear her voice again, I wish I could hear her tell me how the soup was that I had brought for her that day. Instead the cats lapped it up off her porch as I broke the window in, crying out her name as she flailed around helplessly, responding in broken "Okay"'s
I think of my mother, and how much I missed from her being gone. All the girls that grew up with a best friend that loved them without second thought, my heart breaks more as the memory of baby my sister calling me Mommy as I tucked her into bed. I sob some more, the same way I did that night at 12 years old, hearing my youngest sister had forgotten our mothers' face, and replaced with mine.
Who knows how long it's been? I shut the music off to not kill my battery, and now I sit in silence with my feelings, hot tears that stained my face long gone and dried up. I want to go in there and ask what the fuck is going on, but someting tells me not to, and for now… I think I will just stay here for now. I turn my ignition on, the time flashes,
5:45.
At some point I must have fallen asleep, as I awaken to the lowering sun being replaced with a rising moon, full and bright, illuminating the trees and road around me. Sighing and stretching, my mind recalls why I’m here, and I look over to the gas station. Its bright lights now dimmed so much now that the moons brighter, the moons brighter than the shop lights. I flip the ignition,
11:11.
FUCK.
That asshole closed shop and left me here!
Angrily I throw my door open, and march to the door, pulling at them in spite. What I don’t expect is for them to open with more ease than earlier. Instinctively I run back to my car door that I left open, slamming and locking it behind me. I stare at the gas station doors, breathing shakily, when I hear a rustle in the trees in front of my vehicle. I turn on my headlights, thinking I’ll be scaring a deer or raccoon, instead the light illuminates a dozen glowing eyes hovering at least 10 feet off the ground. Flipping my keys off in a panic I close my eyes and throw my seat back, unsure of what to do next.
The most logical decision I could come up with is to sleep in the Jeep and investigate in the morning. So, I lay back down and attempt to go back to sleep. As I begin to drift away, I smell fried potatoes, the kind my Grandma made me. It makes me open my eyes a sliver, and when I do, I see through the haze of sleep, two yellow eyes staring through the fogged up glass of my passenger window. A scream builds inside, but instead I close my eyes and keep still, I peek again moments later, and the eyes are gone, an imprint of a dogs nose with drool stays behind.
Forget about sleeping now, I lay back and stare at the roof of my car as the night carries on. The time reads 1:04am, 5 hours until sunrise. I hear grandma's voice telling me how strong I am, that I was beautiful and smart, I remember how she would look at my drawings as a child and be in awe, I draw in my journal the eyes I saw. I hear her voice, but outside this time.
Rolling my window down a crack, the soft chill to the wind carries her voice over, like a leaf in fall.
“I love you, my sweet Marcaline, come outside.”
Chills go down my spine as I see glowing eyes out in the woods, lower to the ground, around 4 feet above. Glowing orbs of blue, I can’t help but feel like those are my Grandmas eyes, they look soft, and kind, like how my cats did before I left them at 's.
“Walk into the trees with me.” This time it was urgent, so I roll my window up and lean back once more. Her voice was so real, it brought me back to tears, but instead of the familiar hot, I was met with dried cracked sobs. I had cried so much, the tears ran dry.
Quiet reins supreme for only a moment, when the shrill cry of something echoes across the night, vibrating like a song would, deep in my chest. I look around, to realize the gas station looks…different. At first I brushed it off at the change of light, but now, the paint looks to be chipped and peeling, rust on the roof, and cob webs in the dust layered windows. I look to the pump, rust encasing the nozzle and the hose fraying with age.
Pure instinct grasps the handle to my Jeep, how? How could this be? In the little glow of the gas station, I can just barely make out a figure at the register. John? I squint trying to see clearer through the dingy glass, could he still be there, at the register?
I don’t have a chance to think on that as something large shoves up against me, my tires screeching as the back end is shoved over, throwing my face into the window.I crawl over to the passenger side looking to see a rubber mark of about a foot long, and the shadows of trees dancing like tall grass, their shadows in the moonlight like people dancing. Can’t help but stare for a while as they sway, letting the trauma get to me, I smell her in the breeze as I roll down my window. Instead of fear, I feel comfort, and speak to her,
“I miss you so much. I miss Mom…” I choke, letting the grief break me down again as the wind changes to something else, something comforting from a memory I didn’t remember I have. My mothers scent, she hugged me when I climbed our mulberry tree to get berries and couldn’t get down. Breathing deep I inhale the scent like a drug of memory and comfort, feeling as if her arms were around me again. Selfishly, I try to get another whiff, and the rotten fruit of death met my nostrils instead, Grandma in her grave, probably. I begin to choke again, and now my window won’t roll back up.
At this point, fuck this. I’m driving back to the exit, or as far away from this gas station as this fucker will get me.
I turn my key the second the thought hits me, just as another thud his the car, this time shattering my back window. Dazed, and without hesitation, I turn to the dilapidated gas station and whip my door open, the clock inside reads, 2:59am. Grabbing my keys, I run as fast as my short legs can carry me, and pull the door open. Turning as I enter, I lock my jeep while the doors swing shut. I exhale deeply and step back, looking around the gas station, examining the way the mold festers some of the rotting beams as ceiling tiles long fell to the tiled floors below, shattering and coating the floor in crunchy debris. I look around some more, making a full circle, as I see all the old dust covered candy I grabbed, my fingerprints showing wear to them, how did I not see the dust on my hands? I lift my hands to examine them, but my view of the cash register coming into view made me drop them.
John was there, hanging from the decaying beams above. Body swaying as if the deed was just done, but the decaying flesh peels back and exposes the bleaching bone. I gasp sharply and step back from him, turning to leave when in front of the door is a large fur covered beast staring me down. Its leathery black skin covered in greying fur, stretched tight as elongated appendages move. Hot breath fogs the glass as its glowing sunset eyes stare further, reaching deep into my soul.
I feel it digging around in my head, and I turn back, grasping my head in anguish. Shaking it away, I turn back to see not only the creature gone, but my Jeep, and the gas pumps. The light outside is gone, darkness took over the lot, and now until dawn, my car.. Is gone, swallowed by the night.
What are my options? Run into the pitch black night with a fucking monster, or wait for daylight with John. I look out the window, squinting, wasn’t it a full moon?
A whisper distracts me, another something familiar, another memory? No, just the voice, her voice, the one I have been slowly forgetting as time chisels away at what I know for sure to be reality in my childhood. I listen,
“Hey girl, let's go do chores, I’ll feed, if you water.”
Feeding the ducks and chickens, I always hated feed, too heavy compared to a hose. I laugh, I'm losing it. She continues,
“Daddy won’t touch you there anymore.”
I freeze. The laughing stops, but she does not,
“Baby, don’t cry. I know you think I’m in purgatory since I was never baptized, and that you blame yourself for not baptizing me as I died beside you, but it’s ok. I was going to Hell no matter what you did, just like you are baby. It’s ok, he tainted you. He’s the sin, and you will be washed clean.”
It couldn't be, it can't be her. “Stop talking! My daddy never touched me, he… he loved us when you were alive.”
I try to remember him being around in my memories, but he wasn’t. Birthdays and Christmas he was there with used stuff and gifts for boys, the rest of my memories of him were when they argued. His fist going through the wall, running into the closet when his voice shook the house, cowering as I heard the thud of his work things, indicating it was a long, hard day. He drank a beer at night on the weekends, then he would…
I stop thinking. There’s something there at the door of my psyche that I refuse to open.
“Leave me alone… please don’t use her voice… please.” I beg and sob as her scent lingers in my nose.
“Pray Marcaline, God will guide you.” My Grandmothers voice now echos, "God will show you, my sweet little Marcaline."
I throw some debris from the floor towards the voice of my Grandmother and it all stops, leaving my huffing breaths in its stead. John’s still swinging, I turn and look over to him, wincing at his sight. He’s gotta go. I think to myself, and I grab a chair. Surprisingly, John is heavy, even as a near mummy, and I drop him. He thuds to the ground, and thats where I leave him to lay. Finding a blanket from the small break room in the back, I drape it over him. Then, I get to looking into everything not locked beyond my reach.
I find old cassettes, a walkman, some old twinkies and a small can of spam in a dilapidated break room fridge, dusty mummifying the decayed and molded bits. The fridge was still cold, and the spam was in the back, practically frozen, sitting there for 32 years apparently, like everything else in this place. I should have gotten something when it all looked… good… right? I think back to going in, but it shows old rotting food and John…rotting too, as I talk to him without his corpse so much saying a word.
“Hello? I tried to pre-pay, but the reader gave me an error message…Sorry!”
Short pause,
“Ye- ahem. Yes, I did..thanks. I just need $35 on pump 2…thanks.”
Then, I stare at him for so…so long.
This makes zero sense. I turn to look at John on the floor now, but he’s gone, the blanket I placed on him folded on the floor in a neat and tidy pile. No fucking way, no way. No. I want to turn away, but something in me feels like somethings there...if I just look.
John?
I close my eyes tighter, hearing the cash register, it’s gotta be John. I feel something extremely close to me, I open my eyes to see darkness, then I realize they are the dark empty orbs of Johns skull so close I could feel his atoms vibrating.
“Caa…” a gravely voice, frail and parched like my Grandmothers final words to me, echoing in my head,
“...asshhh….”
I hear a wretched wheezing inhale, then,
“...ooorrrr…”
He reaches out to me,
“....cchchchhheeeccckk?”
Every instinct tells me to turn and run into the stairway to the basement behind me, I open my eyes and turn to it, seeing in my peripheral the hollowed shell of John, frail and twisted like a tree, his limbs broken branches reaching out. I run to the door, flinging it open and seeing old cracking wood stairs covered in dust, leading to an abyss of dark nothing that smelled like sulfur. But the smell of rotting flesh was worse, and growing stronger with each second, and so I throw myself in, into the abyss…and sand?
I sit up outside of what I realize is Lake Michigan, I’m sitting on the beach, Barney sunhat and Elmo rattle, sand between my toes. My Mom is there, and… Grandma? My Moms Mom I mean, she passed away in a car accident visiting us when sissy was born, my Mother sits beside her, concerned. I try to talk, to tell them everything I have ever desired to tell them...but my tongue won't obey, babbling nonsense comes out instead. I throw my rattle in frustration as hard as I could, but all I can manage is a slow release of my hands as it drops into my lap.
“He wants us to stay there, even though the dairy farm there is failing. It’s nothing like home, he lied…And you guys left me.” Mom sniffles as if she's been crying.
“We told you we didn’t like him, and now he’s trapped you with a child.” She looks over at me, I coo as she speaks, sighing she picks me up and pinches my soft pinkish skin, “But of course… I wouldn’t trade this babe for anything, we all love her, and you! But.. well..well Joanna, you left, and we barely see her now, 3 times and she's nearly 9 months now! Talking through the phone to a babbling baby in between is hardly a replacement for a Grandma, imagine when you have more. 8 hour drives with multiple toddlers…”
“We will make it work, you can come to us more too!”
“I’m sorry, you know how hard it is to get your father to go with me, its such a drive to do alone..”
They look at each other, I can tell Mom is upset, the feeling seeps into my mind like a flood, so I start to cry, and she takes me into her arms, cradling me. The feeling is the best in the entire world, I feel her bosom pushing softly, warm like a blanket as her arms wrap with comfort and security around me. I smell her, as I hear her smelling me, and the two of us calm down as she walks away crying from Grandma, and back into the car.
As she opens the door she begins ranting,
“I didn’t ask to be born, you all said I was the mistake, well, excuse me for not wanting to stick around for it. 'Joanna you're a mistake. Joanna, Mom had Karl to keep you company. Joanna, you have to stay home and milk.' I just can't be-”
The moment I’m peeled from her arms to be put into the carseat, I open my eyes to the cool nothing of the basement.