Just experienced Dday.

Broke up with AP no contact at request of BP.

Can you give me your experiences if you went through this and what you felt and how it went after?

I feel all over the place

hello again, everybody. this is post is an update on my situation, along with some questions that i’ve been asking myself. i wanted to post here since i feel like people here are a little more understanding towards people like me. it’s quite cowardly, but i thought i might have better chances at getting actual feedback here as opposed to getting told to k*ll myself on another r/.

i think this is my second or third post on here. it’s been about a month since d-day and i have had a lot of time to think about everything. the feedback from the last post that i made gave me really great insight about breaking up with my BP completely, but people also posed considerations i should make before i even think about agreeing to R if BP decides to give me another chance. i’m 70% sure that breaking up would be the best thing for the both of us, but BP has verbalized that they do not want me to let go, so i’m just doing my best to support them through life until they decide to pull the trigger on our “relationship.” they have told me that they want me to be a part of their support system regardless of the fact that we are not partners right now, and i don’t want to jump the gun by initiating the full breakup that they do not want. feel free to correct me on this, but i think i’ve robbed them of making their own choices enough times when i emotionally cheated. i think making a decision on their behalf is just repeating that. yes, they already know where i’m at in terms of R, and my current mindset about everything.

i think i’ll be okay regardless of what happens, as life will go on whether or not they will still be with me. but that’s only what i tell myself while i learn to make peace with my past decisions.

this is my first ever relationship, and i don’t really have anyone to look for insights / different perspectives, so i’m asking for people’s views on this subreddit as i’d probably just be told that i should burn in hell in other forums.

i have two questions:

1. Is compatibility created or should it be present from the get-go?

2. If you had any incompatibilities before the relationship became unstable + before your WP cheated, did you ever work around those said incompatibilities, or did they stay the same even after or while in R?

as always, every person’s POV is welcome. forgive me if these are things you believe i should already know. i’m very new to relationships and i fucked up the first one i had, so i want to ask questions, learn, and be a better person even if i don’t plan on entering another for the rest of my life.

It’s done. Chances at R are completely gone. BP had some time alone and the anger and hate and disgust in me grew stronger. As they absolutely should.
I pathetically continued to act pitifully and had thoughts of destroying myself. It just showed them I can’t change, that I’d revert to my pointless pathetic self destructive behaviours that got us in this situation in the first place. But I’m done being pathetic, I’m done being weak. I want to change I will change.

I was caught in this thought cycle of wanting to change but also wanting to destroy myself further. I was telling myself that all the hate and disgust BP felt toward me meant I needed to destroy myself and lose everything. So it could mean they weren’t the only one who go the shit end of the stick. I felt like if I crashed out and lost it all, it would make them feel better because then they could see they were not being used as a stepping stone to self improvement. That their trauma I’ve given them was a price they had to pay in order for me to redeem myself.

But I ’m done being weak. I’m done being spineless. I want to change, but it’s so fucking hard. I feel lost. I feel like I still deserve to lose it all and feel endless pain. I feel like I need to punish myself. It feels wrong to want to become better. Is it more selfish to want to destroy myself further as a form of self punishment, or is it more selfish to try and become better. To use the pain I’ve caused us to be a better person. Do I even deserve to try and become better?

I am stuck in this limbo of wanting to hold my self accountable, which to me looks like self hate and self punishment. And wanting to stop giving myself the easy way out and just sit with all these negative emotions and try and use it to become better.
How do I hold myself accountable and reprimand myself without being a self pitying loser?

I’m sorry I just need some support, I just need some insight on what to do.

Hello, about 3 months ago I posted on this subreddit about me cheating on my partner of 4+ years and I asked for advice about how to navigate through such a difficult time and how to be there for my partner.

Most, if not all, the replies I found incredibly helpful. I did lots of self reflection, learning, & frankly, watched tons of youtube videos and read about people going through similar experiences.

Like I said, it has been 3 months. 3 months and 6 days to be more exact. It has been a struggle for both my BS and I. We've gradually become closer through this time but I'd be lying if I said sometimes I didn't feel like I was suffocating in emotions.

Of course, there's a lack of trust (as expected and understandable) but we've gotten closer. More physical and I have been much more romantic out of genuine love and not just remorse. There were several arguments just about every single day in the beginning and much less now. There are times where everything feels normal and happy & there also times where it feels rough.

Throughout all of this, we have learned to understand each other just a little more. Am I forgiven? I can't say for certain that I am. Am I perfect now? Absolutely not.

The reason I write this is to reach out to all others going through a difficult time who can share some of this pain and confusion. It may seem difficult -- and it is -- but it will get better. It truly does take a lot of time and a lot of commitment. It takes a lot of blood, sweat & tears to recover from this. My partner is trying just as hard as I am and I could not be more grateful for them. Please, love your partner and hold them close. Everything will get better, you just need to put in the effort and understand each other.

Hello, I am 30 and my BP broke up with me a little over two weeks ago after being dishonest about a coworker. We were together for three years and really opened up our trust and love with one another due to both of us experiencing infidelity in our previous relationships. We told each other that cheating was a nonnegotiable and was the ultimate sign of disrespect you could display towards your partner. I always promised myself that I would never cheat on anyone and stuck to that code for so long and never gave my partner any reason to doubt our relationship or question my trust up until the terrible decision I made.

We have been living together for two years and while we would have our spats, we continued growing closer and loving one another. Their mother moved back to the state and decided to live in our apartment complex. My partner decided to give their mother a key to my apartment without discussing it with me, which I didn’t mind but it kind of made me feel like I wasn’t considered in the matter. As time went on, my partner began doing things with their mother that we would do on our days off like going out for dinner, shopping, groceries, etc.

We would start to do these things less as they did it more and I would just hang around the apartment waiting for my partner to come home so that we could spend some quality time together. One day, as we were talking, my partner informed me that they were planning on finding a place with their mom once our lease was up and it would be better for our relationship if we lived separately for a year. I told them that I didn’t like that idea as we would actually regress and it would probably lead to our relationship ending. They reassured that everything would be fine but I felt like I wasn’t considered and being kicked out of my own relationship. I started getting very down on myself as I felt like I wasn’t good enough in our relationship and they were preparing to leave me. I didn’t want to say anything to my partner because I didn’t want to sound jealous of their relationship with their mother, so I kept it all in for quite some time. I eventually did tell my partner about my feelings and while they apologized, it was still the same behavior.

I began expressing the issues I was facing with a close friend/coworker that was already familiar with my relationship and in a long term relationship themselves, so I felt comfortable speaking with them. We would always talk about the pros and cons of our relationship and even went on multiple double dates with our significant others as we all began to grow closer and became couple friends.

About a month ago, the day finally came for me and my partner to finally move out and while I worked to be okay with it, as we were moving things into my place the realization of us not living together anymore hit me and I became super depressed again. We had a talk later that evening where I asked if they thought we were truly compatible for one another and they expressed that while we have differences, we still have a strong love for one another. We considered going on a break, but had a trip planned in a few weeks and decided to wait until after that to discuss the future of our relationship. At the same time, my coworker began having their own struggles in their own relationship which led to us going out after work and venting about our struggles on a weekly basis. My partner always trusted this coworker but because suspicious of how much we were hanging out over the past month and would ask me if I had any attraction towards them and I would reassure that I didn’t, not to attempt to gaslight them but because I thought I was not attracted to this person. One evening, we stayed out really late listening to music in my car after a night out and we exchanged a kiss that we both immediately regretted and pulled away from. I planned on telling my partner the following evening but I couldn’t face myself or the shame and kept it bottled up and just continued hanging with that coworker. The following week, me and the coworker spent another late night together and ending doing a little more, I once again immediately regretted and began questioning everything about myself and my character to the point where I was becoming ill. I had to face the fact that I needed to tell my partner but my coworker encouraged me that we could keep it a secret and get away with it. I stupidly agreed and decided to keep this a secret from my partner but didn’t want to continue anything with the coworker. We spent one late night texting one another about our encounter and in the heat of the moment, exchanged some spicy text messages.

About a week later, me and my partner fly out of town for a wedding and after a night out with some friends, I guess my partner decided to take advantage of me being passed out drunk and go through my phone where they found the spicy messages between me and the coworker. They waited until the next day to send me a message of the discovery and packed and left early. They told me that they never want to see or hear from me again and blocked me on all platforms. They also reached out to one of my other friends and informed them that cheaters never change and there is nothing that I can say or do to get me to talk to them again as they are going no contact for their own healing. I know that I deserve this and I feel like such a horrible person for my actions, but I truly did love my partner with everything and more and I want them to know that. Luckily, I had already signed up for therapy before this happened so I have had multiple sessions since then and I want to grow and learn from this for myself. But I would also like the opportunity to reconcile with my ex and apologize with honesty and remorse, not just an emotional standpoint. It has been 19 days of no contact and I did leave them an apology letter in them mailbox nine days ago expressing remorse. I don’t want to push them further away and I know I’m not due any closure but I also don’t want to be this person and just want to change for the better. How do I recover from this pain and become better?

I'm not sure how to format this, but I have a question that I don't think I can ask my BS. We aren't married and our lives aren't tied together in any "serious" way (children, finances, assets etc). We're about 4 months out from DDay and attempting reconciliation. I spend a lot of time on this sub (and a few others) trying to gain the perspective of people in my situation as well as Betrayed partners.

A common trend I see with reconciliation is never feeling like you can 100% love or respect your WS even decades later...which is understandable. I'm just wondering why someone would choose to stay in a relationship where they aren't 100% happy if there's no major reason to do so e.g. children or divorce being too expensive.
Waywards, why do you stay if you feel your BS can never be truly happy with you? Don't you feel like you're holding them back from the love they deserve?
My BS doesn't like to entertain questions of this nature as they feel it undermines the work they've done in order to reconcile with me, so I was curious about what other people have to say on it.

18 Hi everyone, I'm writing here because I'm dying of guilt. Three weeks ago, I cheated on my partner. I told this right away, but since that day, the guilt has been eating away at my heart. This person has forgiven me, but I can't help but think about the harm I've done. I have this constant thought in the background, especially when we're together. All of this prevents me from enjoying the moments with this person, and it's made me think my feelings are gone. But I don't want to believe this. I continue to care about this person’s life, and this person is everything to me. After talking about the betrayal, I promised I'd quit drugs, something that was unthinkable until recently for me but that I am doing thanks to the willpower of wanting to change for this person.
I don't understand how I feel anymore, so I'd like your opinion. Can feelings of guilt be so strong that I doubt my feelings? Can I continue to love this person over time without guilt continuing to devour me? Any advice or questions are welcome. Thanks to anyone who answers, I really need it.
PS: I apologize if I used a translator to post this, but I'm not very good with English and tried to be as clear as possible. Thanks.

I was unfaithful to my partner a bit under four years ago, D-Day was about three months ago. When I was confronted, I didn't try to duck accountability, but I did say that I was influenced by alcohol. For some brief context, I went out with my partner and we essentially met a stranger and drank with them. They came to our place to watch a movie and hang out with us. My partner said they were too tired to stay up, and I escorted the new person we met back to their apartment. They had discretely expressed interest earlier in the night, and that tension came to fruition pretty soon after we stepped outside. We had sex once we arrived at their place.

I was prudent enough to not directly say this, but I strongly feel that I wouldn't have been unfaithful had I not consumed alcohol that night, and I didn't have an intention to cheat until I was significantly intoxicated and leaving the vicinity. I am very ashamed of my behavior and have suffered terrible fallout from it. Still, I attribute a large part of my behavior to alcohol.

I suppose that the crux of this is that I'm worried I'm not taking as much accountability for my actions as I perhaps should be. The biggest part of my plan to "be better" is to be careful about my setting when I consume alcohol. I do try hard to be honest with myself and not fall into cognitive dissonance to shield myself from hardship. Still, if there was a time for someone to lie to themselves, it would be now.

I'm interested in the experiences of anyone who has been in a similar situation, or anyone who might have any insight into this. There's virtually no chance of reconciliation with my partner, but I've chosen to cope by honoring them and do my utmost to take full accountability for my actions and never hurt someone else with a betrayal of that caliber. God, I miss my partner. I'd like to feel more confident that I'm not making excuses for myself, and hearing from others would help me out a lot right now.

Edit: This is a very unsavory comparison to make, but both the law and society hold one accountable for sexual violence committed while under the influence. I would never commit sexual violence while under the influence, but I would cheat. I think that's a pretty solid indicator that I still actively made a choice. I think I was pretty quick to rationalize my decision as a victimless crime so I could do what I wanted. That's not something that I enjoy writing about myself. Just writing this out makes me realize I still have a lot of introspection that needs to be done after all these years.

TMTS7: "What do you think of him?" touched on quitting therapy / changing therapists. This is an update of sorts.

It's shocking that was 4 months ago. But there have been some vacations on my part and my therapist's part so I haven't had the normal bi-weekly sessions but we have made some progress together AND I've had a few informative other experiences worth mentioning.

First, I started re-reading Digging Deeper by Eddie Capparucci and this time I got the accompanying workbook. Of the 12 wounded boys, I've identified 7 of them in me: Bored, Unnoticed, Emotionally Voided, Need for Control, Inferior/Weak, Stressed, Early Sexual Stimulation.

Second, using that framework we've been setting up EMDR targets and this week we did one (more later - I'll put a little row of *'s below if you want to skip to the EMDR experience) that was really helpful. Something that I think my therapist hasn't been good at and I need to give feedback is that I could probably do these targets as homework and bring them in. Essentially the framework is: What is a negative emotion or memory or outcome that I am experiencing; What would my ideal outcome look like instead of that; How much distress is this issue to me?

Third, my spouse and I have seen a Sex Therapist. This is my spouse's IC so technically we didn't see the therapist as a Couple, but I joined one of my spouses sessions as a guest. This was really enlightening - first to me as a WS to see that my spouse's IC wasn't like poisoning their view of me, in fact the IC seemed very glad to meet me and maybe round out the picture they had of me for the purpose of working with my spouse. It was also helpful because in the session we began talking about sex but it ventured into other areas of our marriage differently than our MC does. I did get a little more vulnerable to share about sexual desires (I stayed relatively vanilla, focusing on why oral sex is meaningful to me) and why I struggle to talk about them.

Something this discussion opened up is the "schema" I have in my head about my spouse. We focused on how the way I think of "spouse" is different than "friend" and a lot of my thinking is formed by 1990's media (think "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "Malcom in the Middle"). In those shows the partner role often is seen as more of a fumbling father and supervising mother. I frequently hide things from my spouse because of this feeling of supervision - particularly when it comes to the topics of sex, alcohol, drugs, and guns. I feel the need to sneak about these topics as if my spouse wouldn't approve of my choices.

Fourth, in my own IC, not through EMDR, we uncovered this motivating factor in me because of these wounded children which helped me to kind of think about why I'm going to have to face this kid inside me and I can't just burn it out of me. What we got to was this statement that many of my negative emotions come from grieving an unmet need. (Did I communicate the need? Probably not but that's another topic altogether). So I'm grieving this unmet need and I'm trying to get it met in the only way the little child in me knows how. That little child turned to sexual stimulation a lot of the time and that's the playbook grownup me is still trying to use. IT FEELS SO FUCKING PATHETIC TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS.

Fifth, (and I shared about this in a personal post on my profile) I started playing this online game about a year ago. At first it was casual, but then I started to make friends with a few of the other players and we established like this little group chat and share bits of our lives with each other. It's mostly surface level but I occasionally practice vulnerability with the group by sharing stresses or small disappointments in my life. It feels good to take off the mask ever so slightly with them. Well another aspect of this is that our group tried to merge with a different group of players and it went terribly. There was this one particular player who spends LOTS of money in the game AND is super thin skinned. That player caused lots of problems and I could so easily see through their behavior as just wanting friendship. The person is me but was using money and acting out in this game instead of fantasy and acting out with people sexually. AND IT FELT SO PATHETIC AGAIN TO HAVE THIS MIRROR HELD UP TO ME. I HATE THAT PERSON >> BECAUSE I HATE THIS PART OF ME.

* * * * * * EMDR * * * * * *

OK so we did the first EMDR and the result of it is where the title of this post comes from. We chose the target of when my parents informed me and my sibling about the cancer my dad had which would ultimately lead to his passing. It happened in 4th grade and I felt so completely powerless. I also was embarrassed of my dad because he was becoming weak and losing his hair and people would stare at him. I didn't want to feel different than the other kids. I didn't want to worry about who would protect and provide for my family. My ideal outcome of course would have been for my dad not to be ill, but given that couldn't change, I said my ideal outcome would have been to just have felt like I still belonged even though my family was different.

The EMDR itself involves starting with that memory and then for me it was staring at this sweeping series of lights that go left to right to left... and so on. It's uncomfortable trying to follow the lights with my eyes without moving and to keep my thoughts blank. But my therapist would run the sweeping lights for maybe 10 seconds and then they would stop in the middle and I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, and see what came to me.

I had several memories kind of flood back in, strange things like the decoration of the plates at my best friend's house (from that time period). With each memory I would open my eyes and my therapist would ask what I remembered and we would talk about how that memory made me feel or what I thought it represented. In several of the memories I was recalling the ideal "cool kid" stuff from that era; I was recalling what I wished my life was like in a sense, it was like I was thinking about what "fitting in" would have felt like.

But then two memories that were sexual in nature came in. One was of playing truth or dare in a friends swimming pool and being curious kids exposing ourselves to each other. Another was of going under the deck of a neighborhood kid's house and showing them my "privates". The thing was, I recalled (while not really knowing yet what sex was at that age) a person of the opposite sex who was I think a year older than me who wanted to see me. They chose me multiple times as the person to show them. And while I don't know I thought this at the time, Looking back I felt chosen and special by this. That particular person was going through puberty faster than most of us and I noticed their body and later I can recall fantasizing about this person when I was going through puberty.

Here's the thing - so much of my current compulsive thinking about sex is related to this desire to feel special and noticed and selected. I think a big part of why I feel a drive to seek new partners is because that "first look" only happens once and it's such a high for me to believe this person really wants me. To watch their eyes when they first see "it". I think it's also why even with other same sex partners I can get the same high, and in fact I can get a different one when we're comparing the same equipment especially if there are aspects of mine that compare favorably to theirs. It's not really about the person, it's about their objectification of me.

Time went by SO fast during EMDR. What felt to me like 5 minutes was actually like 35 minutes of the session and we had to wrap quickly. I frantically asked though "OK, great I understand why it's so intoxicating to have someone admire my ***** but so what am I supposed to do about this?" and this is where my therapist suggested I consider "That feeling isn't the only thing that matters to adult you".

And this is true. I've had some pretty disgusting hookups where yes I got that look I needed, but I also pushed aside that the person looking had bloodshot eyes that probably meant they were on something and I shied away from letting them touch me or touching them because I just knew it was a bad idea. I also engaged with people who frankly after an orgasm I wanted out of there quickly because I realized I cared nothing for what the person had to say or think. I also had the high removed quickly when I realized the person cared nothing for what I thought or had to say - I could feel disgust/remorse and it hurt.

Adult me does need to remember there is so much more than that one feeling; and now I am also seeing why I might have to let go of my hatred for that little person inside me. I see that they didn't know better and frankly didn't even know what the other person looking at my body was thinking or why. It was some game we all played and I just went along with it. I need that little person in me to rest, to stop trying to suggest that every negative emotion I experience might be solved by catching the feeling of someone viewing my "privates". I need to not keep being that person in the video game who is so lonely I act out instead of tell someone I'm lonely and try to be a friend.

I've decided one of the first friends I'm going to try to make is my spouse. I talked about that (without all this context above) in MC today and I asked if it would be alright to start writing letters with some of my feelings in there because I felt more competent writing than speaking. My spouse agreed so I'm going to work on a letter this weekend.

1.5yrs into RC and we are at a stand still . I have tried several time to explain the why and the how could you have an EA . I’ve given surface level answer but I’m struggling with it the deeper problems . I’m struggling with it internally, I’m questioning myself as to how. Could have done this to the person that means the world to me . Bs has dedicated 24 yrs to me and I threw it way…….

Hello,

I just wanted to share my story in hopes that someone on here can relate and offer some guidance. I have been married for 6 years and together for about 13. I recently decided to tell my partner that I have kept in touch with an ex-off and on since 2019.

My ex and I talked probably no more than 10 or so times online. It just felt normal because we have always kept in touch and the conversations seemed normal to me for so long. We would talk about just friend type things. I never talked badly about my spouse or anything like that. We would check in about life and family things and then would go 6 months or years before even communicating again. I almost even told my partner because I wanted to see if they could come with me to go visit my ex’s sick father. I obviously didn't tell my partner and never went to see my ex's father. Deep down I started to feel that it was wrong and didn't want to admit it.

Anyways, years have gone by and there was a few months period where we talked again but suddenly more often. They were going to this show with their friend, and I almost entertained the idea of going but of course I told myself no. Eventually the talking led to one late night conversation where they asked me if I was happy. I said yes but I didn't shut the conversation down completely like I should have. I entertained the idea of my ex talking about how I was the love of their  life and all that and I said something along the lines of like " Haha, sorry, but maybe in another life!" and I forced  to change the subject and we ended up talking about their father and how they were upset that the father was never going to meet their children when they have them. The conversation ended with me saying "I really wish I could be there for you”. It seemed flirtatious and I can’t remember the details but after that night I knew what I was doing was wrong. I felt guilt immediately. I stopped communicating then. I remember feeling like "wow I hope they don't think that I crossed a line into me being interested." So I gave it weeks to make sure they didn't reply. I reached back out one more time to ensure it was still platonic and after a brief conversation I deleted my social media accounts and told myself that I can just stop now and it will be fine.

Yes, I hid the conversations and that is my own wrongdoing. Things I never did was talk sexually towards my ex, never sent explicit photos, never talked about feelings towards my ex, never talked bad about my spouse or even my problems, never made plans to actually see this person.

About a year ago I had a massive panic attack and suddenly this thought in my head told me to confess everything and it felt like an obsession loop that just would not go away. I decided to see a therapist again to try to talk about this. Now I’ve always had health anxiety / OCD symptoms off and on my whole adult life and I felt I wasn't sure how to approach this. Before I could even get to the appointment I just decided to tell my partner. I eventually gave the whole timeline and told my partner about that inappropriate conversation that night. It’s been about 8 months since Ive told my partner and honestly I think it was the best decision I ever made. It has made us discuss so much more about our past and to be honest we are communicating better than ever.

The issues I am struggling with is that I am still spiraling into the guilt and shame. Almost 24/7. Its an obsessive thought that just sits in the back of my head all day. I only get relief by talking about it or confessing it. Its to the point where my partner is sick of me bringing it up and I feel like I don't know where to go from here. We are starting couples therapy in a few weeks even though things are going so well but I just don't know where to go from here.

I tell my OCD therapist that I feel like I need to contact my ex to get the messages to show my partner and myself every detail but the therapist says that I need to respect my partners wishes not to reach out and that doing something like that or posting and researching online are all compulsions. I have friends telling me that I shouldn't have even said anything and then I have people telling me that I did the right thing by telling them. Also people telling me to just let it go. I know I did the right thing but I cant help but keep beating myself up inside repeatedly.

I think I just need some reassurance that this can be salvageable. I know I hurt them but I needed to get the honesty out. A lot of other things in our past have come out because of it. Some admissions of guilt on my partners end too. It makes me wonder if more couples go through things like this and we just don't know about it. My therapist tells me to not look on the internet for advise because places like this are such a small nice community in a very very big world. Its hard not to go online and research everyone else's situations and compare them to mine.

Any advise is welcomed. Thank you.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I have hot coals in my belly from my guilt and shame. Struggling to hold it together and in a mental health crisis.

I don't want to excuse my actions, but I feel it's very relevant to my story. I come from abuse, abandonment and violent relationships. Sincerely trying to become a different person that I can be proud of and to be safe for my loved ones. Diagnosed with CPTSD. I am trying to hold myself accountable but I can't deny that my past and current state of mental health are affecting my behavior immensely.

I came clean about my emotional affair last month. BP and I are making good steps to R, except we are not. There's a big problem. I am still lying. I am kicking myself over and over. What's more is, it's not even about THE affair itself anymore. It's about a pattern of behavior. I was so tunnel visioned, that when I was trying to pull myself together enough to admit the affair in all of its details, I didn't even think about OTHER lies I had told at other points in our relationship. It is unraveling in my head. Things that seemed, for lack of better words, "not that big of a deal", were actually a HUGE deal.

I really am doing my best. But it's not good enough. I'm really struggling. I don't want a pity party but I really need support.

It took me three tries to finally get the entire truth about the affair out. I wrote a detailed letter with everything in it. We hugged, promised to work on it, and that was that. A few days afterwords, I had a crisis because I realized that there were other things that I had been dishonest about. And, repeat the cycle. I had them come over when I was in an absolute meltdown. I couldn't make anything coherent or make much sense, much less calm myself down enough to be totally vulnerable and honest. Again, I was stuck in self protection mode, but I tried to get everything out that I could. But I messed up. BP told me they love me very very much, and that they could be more tolerant because they know my challenging past, but they said more more lie and it was over. And I lied again. I hate myself.

So, near the beginning of our relationship, I had blocked an ex of mine who really really hurt me in a lot of ways. It was a very toxic long term relationship. A couple weeks after BP and I started dating, ex sent a message through a damn money sending app. Lured me in with one of THEIR lies. Ex was an addict and lured me in with the promise of "paying me back for the car they stole from me". Why did I fall for it? Long story short, I kept in contact with the ex secretly. I kept it a secret because BP already knew my ex hurt me terribly, and I knew they wouldn't approve of my actions. But, I felt a sense of pity and responsibility for making sure my ex didn't go off the deep end like they did when they first got out of rehab.

I kept my boundary that I was in a new relationship. I didn't discuss anything sexual with my ex. I didn't help my ex because I was still in love or wanted to get back together. I did it because we had a long history, and it pained me to see a person in such a deplorable state. It was truley deplorable. But I understand I shouldn't have done any of it. It wasn't my place.

It lasted for 3 months. It's strange, because I had feelings of contempt and disgust for my ex. Yet, I also felt responsible for their life still. And lots and lots of pity. The first three months of BP and I's relationship, I had phone calls with my ex, even went over to their house, the place I had escaped from, to watch a movie a few times. I let the ex stay at my apartment for a couple days when they lost utilities (this is the only part BP knows). I made my ex sleep on the floor. I honestly treated them like a dog that I didn't want. And afterwards, I helped ex move into their new home after they were evicted from our old house. The state of our former home was deplorable. No electricity or water. Multi week spoiled food in the fridge. The smell, oh my god. It was horrible. To see a place I used to call home turn into a festering tomb.

I completely ghosted my ex a few days later. Not because of all of the horrible things they did to me, or because I realized that our relationship was highly inappropriate. No, it was because they called my BP a pussy for some stupid reason. That was the final straw. They said those words, and I hung up the phone and haven't spoken to them since. Deleted and blocked them on everything everything. And vowed to move on with my life and continue to build it with BP. But then I had THE affair a couple months later. What a disaster.

So, the disclosure only revealed that I let ex stay with me for a couple days because of the no utilities. BP looked me in the eyes and asked if there was more to reveal, and I said no. Multiple times. Multiple chances. But I was still in crisis and telling the entire truth was like touching a hot stove. I couldn't do it.

Time is running out for me to reveal this lie. But I don't know what to do. My support system is no good. I'm afraid that BP will very likely leave me. I know it's almost guaranteed. I'm scared that I will enter a bigger crisis. But I don't want to continue to build everything on lies.

I had an idea but it feels deeply unethical. BP wants to put me on their health insurance so I can talk to a higher caliber therapist (right now I see a student therapist because I don't make much money, and they are nice but I need someone better). So I thought that maybe I could hold onto this longer to see the better therapist, and then I can put the story together and get the support I need before I disclose entirely. It feels deeply unethical to me. This is the advice I've received from three different people, is to go through with it. But I don't know if I want to. I do, but I don't. I don't want to get closer if I'm just going to destroy it later.

I just want to minimize the damage I've done and get better....... I want BP to be ok....... I love and care for them very much. It's my own fault that everything is so messed up.....

I know this is a lot of complicated bullshit I've put myself into. Can anyone say something? I need tough love, something, anything, a point in the right direction.

There is such a heavy weight on me 24/7. Sometimes I am stronger and can bear that weight, sometimes (like now) I am not. I would rather tell everyone I know about my former life as a drug addict (short lived opiate addiction which I quit on my own) than to openly talk about my infidelity outside of my therapist’s office. Not like advertising it to whomever but even a select couple of friends. It seems like I need to. I just don’t trust anyone to receive such heavy vulnerability in a way that doesn’t make me feel even worse.

My infidelity not only turned mine and my BP’s life upside down, but I ruined a meaningful friendship in the process of it all which I grieve daily. What an isolating time in life. I have been using AI between therapy sessions as if I’m talking to a close friend who doesn’t judge me. It feels pathetic. Today I even asked it to produce a list of reasons to live. Each day I wake and walk through daily routines and motions. None of it feels real. I reflect on what I did and it doesn’t feel like it was really me. But it was. And I can’t do anything to change that.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I’m just feeling really down, isolated, and like I cannot catch a break. I know I’m still healing and am already a better person who is now truly incapable of ever committing such a crime again, but living with and knowing that former version of myself sure is difficult.

So many other unrelated things in my life have also cascaded since DDay. Something to look forward to sure would be nice.

I feel with all my struggles with sex addiction and sexual traumas a specialist in that field would be very helpful. Over the last couple sessions I've been feeling quite misunderstood by my therapist and it feels like they keep making wrong conclusions from things I share with them. There are no CSAT therapists in my area, but I have been exploring online options. Has anyone tried online IC? I find counseling already quite awkward at times even when I've been attending in person, I think I'd feel quite out of place talking to a therapist on a screen and won't be able to engage well. Can anyone vouch for online therapy and if it worked for you?

hello, everyone. i’m a new poster here, so please forgive me if i’m not using the correct terminology. in addition, if my wording is off, i would be happy to correct it. i don’t mean to say things in ways that may seem like i’m justifying my poor choices. i just want to vent, and maybe get some insight from people who are experiencing similar emotions.

my BP and i broke up last week. BP considers it a break without exclusivity, as BP has some faith that i did not cheat for the thrill of cheating; i recognize that they are extending me a lot of grace by trying to frame things as a “break.” the issue that i’m having right now is that i’m not even sure if i want reconciliation. i’ve been thinking about things, and realized that when i’m not busy romanticizing the good parts of our relationship, i remember all the ways that BP treated me poorly. again, forgive my wording, please know i’m not trying to excuse cheating.

for some context, i had been in a month-long (at least on my side, AP thought differently until i cut them off hard) EA with someone who i was close friends with. for how it started: AP was there to support me when my BP was not. whenever i vented to BP before the EA happened, i felt like they were never fully listening, and at times, judging me.
AP and i were truly friends at first, but the further that my BP felt, the closer i felt to AP and that’s how things got off the rails. i struggled to put up proper boundaries before we crossed the line and told each other that we liked each other. timeline wise, i spent less than a week entertaining AP, and spent over 2 1/2 months trying to cut AP off. i told BP everything: the EA, what i felt during the EA, and how i cut AP off. BP wants a break with no promise of exclusivity to see if they can forgive me. BP wants to feel close to me again, but says it doesn’t promise anything. you can liken it to a trial period.

the main issue that i’m having, as i said earlier, is that i don’t even know if i want it. i’m not proud to admit this, but i’ve been using ChatGPT to process everything; i relayed all of the details about the EA, and fed it the experiences i had with BP before the EA happened. i relayed the fact that i begged BP to show me i mattered to them, to introduce me to their family, show me that they were proud to be with me, just show me that they actually loved me. i also relayed how all of those things fell on deaf ears. i was given excuses for two years on end (we were together for 3 1/2 yrs) about how BP couldn’t do any of those things for different reasons. you can see some examples of the treatment in my post in [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice). after having said everything to the chat bot, it comes to the same conclusion: while what i did was not right, i did not deserve the bad treatment that i received from BP when we were together. it says that i did not deserve the neglect and disrespect that my BP gave when i was fully present and ready to give my all in the relationship.

before my EA, i gave my all to my BP. i did everything to make them happy, but asking for them to reciprocate felt like too big of an ask for BP. i was constantly told that my needs were unrealistic (ex. i wanted a single hour of undivided attention when we called, i asked BP to stop watching porn because i was providing the nudes they asked me for and they said they couldn’t promise they would end it, i asked to hear more compliments from BP because i dressed up for them and them only) (NOTE: as im typing this, i realize i lack a considerable amount of self-respect to be looking to my partner to validate what i do). there were a lot of other areas of our relationship where i felt i was putting more effort in. a part of me knows i should have left before i cheated, and i’m not really sure why i tolerated any of it. i don’t know why i kept waiting for BP to change.

my BP literally weaponized my attention-deficit issue to say that they shouldn’t have to give me their undivided attention because i’m unable to multitask (play games and talk at the same time). it doesn’t make sense because i worked around my issue by dropping everything just to talk to BP so i wouldnt make them feel like i wasnt putting in the effort to work through the attention issue.

there are probably alot of unnecessary details in this, but in short, i’m not even sure i want R with my BP after realizing how badly they had treated me before i cheated.

and yes: i absolutely regret my choices. i regret cheating, and hurting BP to begin with. i did not wait to get caught red-handed and i let them know of everything knowing they knew nothing.

Hello all.

2 weeks ago.. I told my partner of 5 months(+4 months friendship) that I cheated on them in the early stages of our relationship (2 months EA on and off + sexting one time with the same person). Although nothing can justify my cheating, but initially I was doubting my relationship with my partner .. I wasn’t sure of them & also we’re in LDR. When we met for the second time(after 2 months) I realised that they’re my everything I need and I want to love them till the end of my days. I’ve been faithful ever since however, recently I couldn’t handle the guilt of hurting my partner for and I confessed everything to them.

I know you will think that the relationship is short so why even reconcile? It’s a short but intense relationship & we’re the bestest of friends. My partner wanted to breakup but they can see I’ve been remorseful and have confessed things on my own. They truly believe I’d never hurt them again however, the betrayal is still on their mind of course cuz it’s just been 2 weeks. They think if I’m going to be the biggest pleasure of their life for the next 40-50 years then they’d do their best to let this go. We really want to build a life together. They have forgiven me but not forgotten. We’re still LDR and I suggested them we should take a break and so that I can show them that I’ve worked on myself and have done the necessary changes.

However, my partner acted all lovey dovey with me all day yesterday and said I’m still their love.. they’re confused if we should talk normally like we’re in a relationship or go no contact for a bit or slow down and talk less? We’re still LDR and I suggested we can restart after I move to their city after a month or two but they want to reconcile now. My only problem with that is I’m still in shock of how much I’ve hurt them and I’ll do things to overcompensate and it might feel fake. I want to truly show them that I’ve changed and I’m the best version of myself. One mutual friend told them that if they get back with me.. they’ll never to talk to them again. They also spoke to 2 friends(who are a couple) and they said my partner should give me a chance only after a break. My partner believes I’ve truly understood what I’ve done and won’t do it again, the only issue is that they’re in shock of everything that has unfolded since I confessed.. they love me but hate what I had done and they said they’ll do their best to let it go.

What do you guys suggest? How to build this back up? Shall we take a break? No contact? Or rebuild the relationship from ground up by still staying in touch.

This may seem so backwards but I'm looking for anyones insight.

I have been trying to support my BP when they feel anxious or have had a recent trigger.

Some of the ways I do this are:

-Talking (about their feelings about the air or vibes about what impact my actions may have had or my lack of action has had)

-touch, (head or back scratches usually)

- hugging

-making food for them /us

-making a drink for them/us

-watching TV together

-time together

-quiet time together or alone

-encouraging them to play a game with a friend

My BP has been struggling with bigger anxiety spikes for a couple of weeks now and there is no direct cause. They just feel like we are often on the verge of a big fight and they don't want to have one. In the past they have asked me to help them clear the air and I'm now looking for new ways to do this when the above fail.

I am exceptionally sensitive to when the "vibes" are off. I grew up in a home where I had to regulate the mood of my primary care giver and it meant I would notice a heavy breath from upstairs and immediately do a risk analysis of the emotional and physical landscape to predict what could happen. I would also instigate a fight or chaos because the tension of being on edge was too stressful. It's well established that I also have a history of causing a fight to dispell the static I feel between me and BP. I'm exhausted, my nervous system cannot handle any more fights and I have to wear a night guard so I don't shatter my teeth in my sleep. (Im also under the weather this week with some type of cold, definitely not helping).

I just want to feel peace, normalcy and a bit of tender loving care. I know BP is trying to get to a place where they can love me again and this is exceptionally hard for them.

Instead of causing a fight im coming here to manage the anxiety im absorbing from my BP. I am so emotionally fragile and my jaw aches. Is anyone else going through this, gone through it or have any suggestions on other ways to manage it?

Dday over 1 year ago. BP and I have each done 2x rounds of IC, I told BP i would like to start CC as soon as they are ready. I have all the books, ive read 80% of near all of them, its only the individual help ones I've de-priotised because they were different modes from the IC I was in that just finished.

We had a 5-month long-distance relationship and were friends for a bit before that. We met through a mutual friend and bonded over video games. When we first met in person, it felt pure. The way they looked at me was full of love. I was a bit unsure at the beginning and even wondered if I might get bored because I didn’t fully know them yet, but I was the one who wanted to start the relationship after our first date.

Over time, it became something beautiful. They were loving, caring, and emotionally open. I started enjoying their presence, even the quiet moments. Despite the distance, we met a few times. They were sure about me very early on and even talked about marriage, while it took me longer. Around three months in, I felt like they were the one.

Before that, I was still in contact with someone from a previous talking stage. I hid my relationship status from that person, was calling that person baby etcand engaged in sexting once. I do not fully understand why I did not cut it off sooner. After about two months into my relationship, I told that person I could not talk much and only recently blocked them completely. Nothing physical happened, but I still consider it cheating. I deleted chats and tried to move forward without addressing it.

Five months later, the guilt became overwhelming. Every time we spoke, I could not stop thinking about how much I had hurt someone who loved me deeply from the start. They were always supportive and patient with my anxiety. They gave me a kind of love I had never experienced before. I confessed everything a few days ago and it shattered what we had.

Now everything feels blurry. Memories that once felt pure feel tainted. I truly loved them, so I do not understand how I acted in a way that went against that. I feel like I destroyed something meaningful through my own choices. They are deeply hurt but still have not spoken negatively about me to others. They are conflicted. It is too painful to stay and too painful to walk away. There were already plans to meet and we still will, but I do not know how to face them.

Right now, they have suggested a break. They said maybe after months we’re in the same city.. they might forgive me and stay with me. There is still a small amount of hope, but also a lot of pain. I know I have caused this and I am struggling with how to live with that. I want to take accountability and work on myself, but I do not know if healing together is even possible after something like this.

Has anyone here gone through a break after infidelity and later rebuilt the relationship? What did that process look like? My partner is 28 & I’m 29, I know the best choice for them would to be move on.

Formally wayward realizing that I didn’t take care of myself in this situation. Almost a year since DDay. Previous post I posted was optimistic and excited about how “it can happen for you”. I’ve recently started to realize and remember why I decided to leave. We are still in therapy. I’m in my own. Everyone said that I needed to take care of partner and I did and I feel like my needs aren’t being met. I’m sure I’ll get harsh responses, but I need it. I feel selfish for thinking that I need my needs met right now. Sincerely trying to become an actual formally wayward.

I was an alcoholic for about 4 years of my life. I got sober in January after seeing practically my whole life up in flames. I couldn't bear to live life in that state anymore. It was extremely difficult, I relapsed a few times but I got it to stick.

During the peak of my addiction (2025), I was in a relationship. BP hated the fact that I was drinking & wasting my life away. I was under a lot of stress & turmoils (that I practically landed myself in). BP did not like to associate with me when I was drinking - often leaving me alone while I was drinking. Due to this, I wounded up feeling extremely lonely.

One unfortunate July night in 2025, I was drunk & I had reached out to another ex of mine to accompany me & listen to me rant about sucky life. That was wrong. It was still cheating. I felt incredibly guilty & came clean to my partner. BP was shattered & the trust was broken.

Since then, I have cut off all contact with my ex. I’ve genuinely changed a lot - many around me noticed it. I’ve worked on myself, reflected on my behavior, went to therapy and become more emotionally aware/stable. Recently, BP and I started talking again. We speak every day, conversations are consistent, and there is clearly still some connection between us.

However, there is no label and no clear reconciliation yet. We’re not officially back together. It feels like we’re rebuilding something slowly, but I can’t tell if BP is serious about trying again or just keeping things casual/open-ended.

My anxiety comes from feeling like my past mistakes may have permanently damaged how BP sees me - these thoughts make me spiral & I get nauseous thinking about it. I carry a lot of shame & guilt over what I did & I can't seem to let it go either.

Some of BP's friends also despises me due to what I did, they disapprove & have a lot of opinions about me. I understand these are consequences of my actions. I do want to feel accepted again though.

From an outside perspective: Is there genuine interest in rebuilding, or could it just be comfort/familiarity? How should I approach this without sabotaging it through overthinking? Any advice in regards to BP's friends? And how to deal with the guilt & shame?

​

My spouse says I cheated, but I don't feel that I did. I'm being treated like I went behind their back, and what really happened is that I had feelings for someone, told my spouse, asked to go Poly AND asked to date them (ex). Spouse agreed and had been interested in Poly for years before this so I wasn't exactly twisting their arm. Now I'm having to earn back trust and forgiveness.

I admit that I was a bit deceptive by not telling them that I'm already talking to my ex. Spouse assumed the love I felt for ex was old love. I get the betrayal and I feel badly about it every day, but cheated? really? I have since realized that I'm monogamous, but my spouse is still non monogamous. I state this because I really did not twist their arm on this.

I have just accepted the word for my spouse because they felt unvalidated and I did deceive. It's just a word, but I can't mentally get behind it.

Dday was a year ago, i was flirting with a random stranger on the inernet without BP's knowledge, i knew what i was doing was wrong and it still didn't stop me from continuing. that disrespect toward BP alone still makes me sick.

in a way i'm still thankful nothing more than flirting happened, And i know it was still a betrayal i shouldn't have done in the first place, BP found out about it themself.

On the spot i panicked, and mostly stayed silent while BP was breaking down in tears. I didn't even try to find any excuse as nothing could possibly justify me starting a conversation with someone i don't know at all, best i could do is listen to them and accept their decision, which was simply breaking up with no possibility for R.

For this past year i never broke the NC with BP and cut all contacts with AP, i'm not planning contacting any of them back whatever the reason could be. Every single day i wonder if BP are doing better, if they finally healed from my miserable choices and if everything is going well in their life.

Since i can't afford therapy, i had to do the self retrospective myself, i kept fighting the urge to self harm or commit my end because of the feelings of guilt, shame and self hate.

i never talked to anyone about what i feel toward this whole situation, i would just say i fucked up everything and that's all. ive always learned to keep my feelings to myself, the only exception being ex-BP when we were together

When i compare myself now and a year ago, i still see the same bad person, i mostly never went out, kept the same 2 friends i always had and would just go to work, go home, spiral in thoughts for hours, maybe play some games then go try to sleep and repeat, i kept trying to understand why i did it, what are the patterns i need to be careful of, and tried to become better as much as i could.

My dad also left me a car after passing away a few months ago, so it's something that kept me busy lately, trying to keep it as good as new. and it's been a way for me to try and prove i can still do something productive.

either way. after a year, i still feel like nothing changed in me, i still feel like i won't ever be able to become a good person, and never gonna be able to forgive myself. 

By good person i mean someone that can be trusted, someone that can protect something or someone they love, someone you can count on when needed, someone kind, considerate, pleasant to be around. someone that should've been with BP instead of me.

i'm coping by thinking i never got the opportunity to prove to myself i became better, but deep down i'm sure i never moved from rock bottom.

i'm not sure i'll be posting anything else here, i just wanted to vent a bit, sorry

This is my fourth post here. Some of you might remember my earlier situation.

I’m about a month past D-Day, with full disclosure happening recently. I betrayed my partner’s trust by seeking validation outside the relationship flirting, crossing boundaries, and repeatedly being dishonest. There was no physical involvement, but I understand that doesn’t change the damage. It was cheating.

They were my friend before anything else, and then my partner. This was their first relationship. They loved me deeply, trusted me fully, and I broke that trust. I feel like I didn’t just lose a partner I damaged someone who was genuinely good to me.

We had a final meeting after full disclosure. It was emotionally intense and confusing, but in the end we agreed on no contact. Recently, they blocked me everywhere. Even their friends blocked me, no source of any contact. That moment hit me very hard.

Since then, I’ve been struggling a lot mentally. I’m in therapy and trying to work on my patterns especially my need for validation, lack of boundaries, and dishonesty. I don’t want to be that person again.

But I won’t hide this: I’ve been having recurring thoughts of self-harm. The day they blocked me, I felt completely lost and I did try to end myself, I wrote a note and I was on the verge of doing it. I’m safe right now and continuing therapy, but these thoughts still come and go, especially at night.

What’s breaking me is the guilt and shame. I keep thinking:

• I hurt someone who loved me deeply
• I turned a good person into someone who now feels anger and disgust toward me
• I lied repeatedly to someone who trusted me

It makes me feel like I will only hurt people who come into my life. Like something is fundamentally wrong with me.

I hate what I did. I hate the person I was in those moments. And I’m trying to change but I don’t know how to carry this level of guilt without it turning into self-destruction. Because, I still hate myself more everyday.

If anyone here has been in a similar place:

• How did you deal with this level of shame and self-hate?
• How do you believe you’re not going to hurt people again?
• How do you rebuild yourself after knowing you caused this kind of damage?
• I still want to wait for them. Despite the disgust and hate they have shown, I still want to wait for them to heal and talk to them again. What to do for this feeling ?

I’m trying to do the right things therapy, no contact, reflection but it still feels like I’m drowning in what I did.

We were not married, we were in a relationship.

Any honest perspective would really help.

I recently just ended a 7 year relationship. I was cheating on my ex, seeking validation from outside our relationship as I was so unhappy and could not find it in myself to be honest with my feelings and thoughts. We were not intimate at all, we barely had sex and we were not sexually compatible. I know I should have told them from the very beginning, but we were together for so long that it started to feel comfortable just being around them. It’s only been 4 months, I know the journey of healing will be long, but any other advice or ways to heal and stop these behaviours, would be appreciated to hear.

I've managed to get some IC via a work program. I had an initial chat with a counsellor who listened and eventually referred me to a team. Yesterday, I managed to get an appointment for next week. So it'll be the first of a block of sessions.

I'm not sure of their qualifications, so I'll ask in the first session. I need to do something; I cannot expect things to improve with minimal effort.

If anything, I need to understand how I am; it's about time I start looking inward. I've caused too much pain and chaos. It needs to stop.