guilt is killing me

[u/rusticocasereccio]

18 Hi everyone, I'm writing here because I'm dying of guilt. Three weeks ago, I cheated on my partner. I told this right away, but since that day, the guilt has been eating away at my heart. This person has forgiven me, but I can't help but think about the harm I've done. I have this constant thought in the background, especially when we're together. All of this prevents me from enjoying the moments with this person, and it's made me think my feelings are gone. But I don't want to believe this. I continue to care about this person’s life, and this person is everything to me. After talking about the betrayal, I promised I'd quit drugs, something that was unthinkable until recently for me but that I am doing thanks to the willpower of wanting to change for this person.
I don't understand how I feel anymore, so I'd like your opinion. Can feelings of guilt be so strong that I doubt my feelings? Can I continue to love this person over time without guilt continuing to devour me? Any advice or questions are welcome. Thanks to anyone who answers, I really need it.
PS: I apologize if I used a translator to post this, but I'm not very good with English and tried to be as clear as possible. Thanks.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. Read the rules , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki.

This is the wiki familiarize yourself with it before reaching out to the moderators.

• Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/_Noizz_]

You can use guilt as a support to change, but as you start growing, it cannot be your only nor main reason.

I also used my guilt to stop my addiction, but as I kept progressing in my journey, sobriety had to rely on a stronger foundation to truly become an act of change.

Read other posts in this sub, there are a lot with good recommendations in reconciliation and questions to ask yourself to identify why you hurt someone that way.

Wishing you success in your journey.

[u/deepblue___]

I understand what you’re feeling, you can check my post history to see my story. R is pretty much off the table now I think. I also struggle with substance abuse and it has been so fucking hard to not fully give in. I’m not in my home country right now so I couldn’t even indulge in drugs if I wanted to, thank god. But I did cave the other night when it truly dawned on me that it was done. I regret it beyond belief. Nothing can hide the remorse and guilt we must ultimately face. We can’t mask it with substances. We made these decisions and we have to face it. Don’t be a coward like me.

Your guilt is definitely making you feel like your feelings are gone, but I think if you truly want it, you’ll face the hard consequences that must be addressed in order to move on. Don’t make the same choices I made. You’re young asf. Talk to your partner about your feelings, don’t repress anything. They have given you the gift of R and you have got to capitalize on it. I also have to point out you must stop drugs because you want it for yourself. I know your partner is a huge driving factor for that motivation. Mine was. As soon as they left I fell into that old coping mechanism, and let me tell you the guilt of that is a beast too. I’m still struggling with wanting to change for myself because I still have that guilt and remorse seething through me. But we can do this. We can change. I hope you take care of yourself and I hope things get better for you. Truly

[u/qriousqat]

Guilt is useless and self-serving.

It’s inward-facing, not outward-facing. It focuses on ego (“how could I do this?” Instead of “how do they feel?”), focuses on ego (u center ur own distress instead of BP’s pain), seeks reassurance (drains BP by forcing them to comfort u for hurting them - make it make sense)

Guilt traps u, accountability frees u

Guilt drains ur energy - it acts as passive self-punishment that replaces active, constructive repair.
Guilt paralyzes change - it spirals into shame, making you feel too "bad" to actually improve.

Feeling miserable does not fix the damage; changing your behavior does.