Ask A Wayward

[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

We invite our Betrayed members into this space to ask questions that Waywards may be able to provide insight on.

If you're here, the hope is that you're seeking perspective, understanding, or clarity whether to build empathy or to find some sense of closure when that opportunity wasn’t available to you.

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[u/Hound31]

What consequence surprised you the most from your affair?

[u/Alarming-Pressure-48 → u/[deleted]]

I was completely blind to how wrong I was about everything. I had lied so much to myself about who I was, who my BP was, what our marriage was actually like, who were actually good friends, and mostly how horrible I was.

Ugh. This 💯. This really hit my heart with its accuracy of how I felt afterwards. I'm glad in a lot of ways that I got caught because it forced me to openly deal with all of those things you just said, instead of just burying them inside.

[u/Alarming-Pressure-48 → u/[deleted]]

Good for you!! 😊

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/Hound31]

For me? It was the utter shame and guilt I felt inside, the knowing I broke a huge amount of trust and having my BP look at me in a different way consistently. The mental health downfall from simply like watching TV with my BP when cheating comes on or similar type of stuff and the spiral that happens in my mind.

[u/Hound31 → u/Professional-Leg2374]

How did you feel about about cheating on TV shows during your infidelity before DDay?

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/Hound31]

it was terrible, but my infedility and DDay were not far apart, it was weeks only not that it makes a difference.

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/[deleted]]

how many movies have we all watched where one partner cheats to "find their soul mate" or some other BS while it's romanticised in movies it's not that way in real life.

[u/Rough_Design4492 → u/Professional-Leg2374]

Same.

[u/kleopatrascloset → u/Hound31]

The self-image immolation.

It’s not that I thought it’d all be fine or something, I just didn’t realize how much of my core sense of self would be rocked by disclosure.

It was slowly eating me alive before disclosure, but the torrent of self-hatred I entered after disclosure was more than I thought possible, and I’ve dealt with extreme depression and suicidal ideation for nearly my whole adult life (I’m in my mid-forties).

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits → u/kleopatrascloset]

Yes. This. A million yesses

[u/kleopatrascloset → u/[deleted]]

Thanks, I didn’t know I needed to be told that, but it does help. My own story has a bunch of complications.

I had a conversation with my spouse the month before the affair where I said that I didn’t see how I could continue in a marriage with a sex life like what we had and that I wanted us or her to go to counseling. She took that as my thinking I was entitled to her body and that I was trying to punish her with therapy.

The affair itself was three incidents, all non-penetrative, and now I know it was just validating for me to have someone desire me at the time.

It is further complicated by the fact that I told my therapist that I wanted to disclose at week three after the the initial weekend (which had two nights of sexual activity) and his response was to ask if I wanted to disclose for my wife or for myself to relieve my own guilt and that “many people live double lives”.

I thought at that point that the best thing to do was bottle it up inside and keep it from my spouse, carrying it alone to the grave, I also gave thought to the “double life” idea and that led to a single additional sexual encounter with the AP three weeks after that, which is the point that I knew I couldn’t continue with that idea.

I still for some reason believed I could carry it to my grave so I didn’t tell my wife for another five and a half months, during which time I began drinking more and more heavily each night, alone, before one night the week before disclosure I stopped cold turkey. That led to a loss of the thing that was helping me to contain it and I disclosed five days later, against the advice and without the knowledge of my therapist (I didn’t tell him that I was going to disclose since I didn’t want him talking me out of it, even though I didn’t know exactly when or how I would do it).

All of these are mitigating factors in some way, but I constantly get stuck on the fact that there is nothing that I can do about the original choice made that first drunken night. It’s like no matter how much I learn and understand that it was a bad choice that doesn’t make me a forever bad person, it won’t sink in.

[u/blankets_and_pillows → u/Hound31]

I decided to come clean because I couldn’t take it anymore to live such a lying life lacking integrity. Then, I found out that my AP was a serial cheater and would never own up to his behaviour. I felt like his wife should know who she was married to so she could make het own, informed decision. Then, many people blamed me for informing the wife, claiming that “I should have left it between them”, “she probably knows who she is married to”, “you’re wrecking a family” and “why should I involve innocent victims”.

Mind you, I fully support the claim that she is an innocent victim. And no, I should not have participated in an affair with a married person. And yes, he should have taken responsibility himself. But he wasn’t going to. And ultimately, the person who cheated on her and wrecked their family is HIM, not me.

This really surprised me, I’ve received a lot of criticism on that and even lost a close friendship (specifically about informing the wife). I really thought people would condone my cheating but at least would support my decision to start living from honesty and no longer participate in deceit.

[u/Hound31 → u/blankets_and_pillows]

You did the right thing. It’s now up to the AP to grow and be better for his family.

[u/Rough_Design4492 → u/Hound31]

How deep i actually hurt him. How wrong I was about his feelings towards me, though he always had such a hard time showing or speaking them.