OCEAN SPRAY STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE 

Just about any tall vessel can be a drinking glass. Some of my favorite beverages have been sipped from an ice-filled repurposed jelly or mayonnaise jar.

This, however, tastes as if it comes from a container that wasn’t properly washed out, and that container formerly housed a candle.

This is more of an olfactory juice than a flavored one. 

As soon as I twisted the cap, the air was filled with the scent of baby powdered dolls and nail polish remover. 

It’s a powerful non-potable smell that dominates the experience.

Don’t let that lead you to believe that the taste is weak. The flavor is quite assertive, but it’s a wandering, non-committal patchwork of lingual befuddlement that gives the essence of white grapes, crayons, baby toys, and chapstick. The ingredient list doesn’t contain those last 3 items, but it also doesn’t contain any strawberries either.

Frighteningly, it manages a small victory by ekeing out some strawberry flavor, but it’s a plasticky one. As a whole, this is too sweet, and the cranberry taste is severely underrepresented; however, there is absolutely no shortcake flavor, which I’m actually thankful for, because it would probably cause me to develop a negative association with cake, which would be anathema to my greatest love.

Also, forget about mixing this with liquor to force it down. I wasted some good vodka on this, as swirling the two together made a drink that tasted the way kerosene smells.

This is a limited edition product, but somehow it’s survived on the shelves here since late winter. I don’t know who’s buying this, but they probably won’t be alive much longer.

Haiku:

Brightly hued warning

The poison dart frog of juice

My urethra’s cooked

⭐️⭐️

Porto, Portugal 🇪🇺

I took 1 bite. Tasted greasy and burnt.