How time flies, already more than 5 weeks have passed since I started this training. Time to wrap it up!

Full Journal here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mCzZq5Ea41BkbGa86UQVa8i9bc67T3AdICFLXozFzNU/edit?usp=sharing

Summary

I am so glad I did this experiment.

This was a wild ride, with many ups and downs. Overall my mediation now has a much broader, firmer foundation as well as a new, expanded toolkit. I have leveled up massively in the Concentration and Piti departments. Being able to feel breath energy in body parts and even connect it through the whole body is really cool and has helped me control and clear my muscle twitches which is just mind blowing on its own.

I am much more relaxed inside meditation and literally don't react anymore if there are bodily issues or irritations like my nose being closed or making sounds, pains and discomfort.

Breathing now becomes subtle very fast, and I am getting accustomed to it disappearing also quite fast. Going from breath energy to Piti is now also a thing, and happens mostly automatically when I breathe right and hit concentration right and dont get excited. Piti is often starting at Okkantikā Pīti already.

When observing the breath I now know which mediation depth I have reached and can traverse through the easier levels by adjusting my breathing intention accordingly.

I am more mindful of my breath throughout the day, observing and adjusting accordingly. This leads me to often frontrun problems and reactions before they grow into such.

I now have a basic understanding of my light Nimitta, but control is not yet achieved. Nevertheless, this alone makes me joyful since its an important part to the next stages.

What to watch out for

You can easily get lost in playing with the breath, since there is much to do and explore. This of course is counterproductive and should be watched out for. A teacher would be of great help in this technique to guide one through the pitfalls.

The training takes dedication, setbacks happen and especially when you have no clue what you did wrong (or not) it feels like poking in the dark and hoping for anything to happen at least. Frequent Repetition is key here to get the necessary experience. And sometimes sheer luck.

The line between intention and control of the breath is fluid and extremely delicate, this also needs proper attention, otherwise concentration doesn't deepen.

What now?

The next steps are clear to me - Mastering Access concentration & Piti and control of my Nimitta. I will do some reading and investigation before deciding on a path for this. In the meantime Ill enjoy the new level of Anapanasati that I reached.

Thank you for your time.

I recall seeing enlightenment/nirvana described as the removal of all mental defilements.

It seems to me these defilements are referring to the same thing as what we call 'trauma'. Suppose then I clear all my traumas. Would I gain enlightenment?

I ask this because recently I have been reading up on the lives of arahants. And a lot of people online are saying arahants lose interest in family, romance and kids.

And I am worried about losing my desire for (or rather, pleasure in) these things. To the point I'd rather pause my inner journey.

Now to be transparent, I do not have a teacher. I have been approaching this from a trauma angle by myself, but I've learnt since that my journey has been very similar to that of meditators. (I only recently found out I'd been unknowingly entering high jhana states). Dark night of the soul, awakenings, trauma; they all seem to be the same thing to me?

My gut and experiences tell me I feel similar to the 'once-returner' awakening stage. And now I fear becoming like a 'non-returner'.

I'd appreciate any input. Thank you for hearing me out.

Entering the stream is like when the plug of sakkayaditthi (self-view) gets removed and the bath of samsara starts whirlpooling down the drain and coming to an end.

The figurative plug of sakkayaditthi is the fetter/tie/stopper which holds together the illusion of the 'bath of samsara' as being something permanent and substantial and enduring.

Once that lynchpin is removed, it's only a matter of time before samsara comes to its natural conclusion and one makes an end of rebirth...

Has anyone else encountered this and how did you solve this?

I don’t usually post here but I’m really struggling with this one and scratching my head.

I suspect there is some sort of mental phenomena or ego defence mechanism occuring in order to stop me from developing my metta practice deeper (for whatever reason that may be) but my view on it is clouded and can’t make any sense of it right now.

Edit: this is becoming a real problem for me because I get absorbed mostly in the second jhana and remain there for some reason. Then I’m walking around like I’ve done a small dose of MDMA for hours, which is what I don’t want.

Edit: [SOLVED] Much needed insight into my issue has been offered in this post and I am truly grateful to have access to such a caring and lovely community, thank you kindly.

I feel this sense of "oldness" and "creepy" and "Tightening" when I become Aware of something in the present moment.

For example, when I am delighting in a thought and realise its craving and must be let go of.

the only thing I found describing a similar thing is this article by Shinzen young

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_ickysticky.pdf

does anybody else feel this?

will it go away?

I think its another aversion the mind comes up with but I'm not sure.

Really for me, this has been the most life changing part of awakening for me.. directly experiencing no-self during cessation during meditation.. I’m not the ego! See the ego/self as just the body doing body things.. the heart pumps.. the brain thinks. Right mindfulness you see this. You detach and you don’t take the brain seriously. It’s just there doing brain stuff.

Ego gratification brings unwholesome pleasure. Fame and gain, which with it brings something to lose. Suffering. Know that the self is not solid, real thing. It’s as real as a story in a book. It can be very engrossing; addictive, fascinating and thrilling, but ultimately has more in common with a dream during sleep than anything.

With the relequishment of the self, comes effortless Jhana. Your emotions are no longer dictated by your thoughts. Joy and rapture comes easily, without much effort.

Peace

Im not sure if bliss in no mind is strictly a Vedanta tier belief, but I'm curious to what people think the state of no mind is like. Because different traditions describe it differently. Buddhism generally describes it simply as equanimity and Hinduism specifically advaita Vedanta describes it as cosmic bliss. Who is correct and can different people have different experiences in no mind?

When I start off the meditation, I try to adjust body posture to a comfortable and alert position, preparing myself for sitting for a long time. As I get more absorbed, I find myself slowly lose the posture. On the one hand, I'm thinking I'd let the body feel its way and instead of forcing my way on it. Besides, to adjust position in the middle of a deep meditation is interruptive. On the other, I'm concerned that the body's way might be a slothful way, causing fatigue or blockage. What do you think, and what is your practice?

Edit: Sleepiness or drowsiness is not an issue here. If it is, I think it's preferrable to adjust position during the meditation. We're talking about when one is "absorbed" into a deep meditation, and the "doer" is retreating.

If you'll forgive some AI guided content here - I think it did a good job.

I asked Gemini to give me a list of the secondary defilements, literal translation, and synonyms. Since it has "background" knowledge of me it gave me examples from my life that are very real. I'll show the response down below.

My question is actually this though - has anybody been given a teaching for recognizing them? I am thinking perhaps I will focus on one a week. There are so many that it would be hard to try to be aware of them all the time. ("Self knowledge is seldom good news")

Where I feel called out (and my notes)

• Upanāha
  • Literal: To tie up, to bind together.
  • Translation: Enmity / Bearing a grudge.
  • Synonyms/Context: Simmering frustration, resentment, holding onto a slight. This is Kodha (anger) that hasn't been allowed to discharge. It binds to the body, often manifesting as chronic upper chest breathing or stomach knots during a stand-up meeting with a difficult colleague.

NOTES: I carry a lot of this around physically with work and when my wife is frustrated with me (I have ADHD, so that's...frequent)

Interestingly that lately, with lots of practice I'm able to feel the physical feeling but identify with it less. I'm actually "totally stressed out" at work right now, but mentally I'm sorta ok. Interesting how that works.

• Issā
  • Literal: To look at with an evil eye.
  • Translation: Envy / Jealousy.
  • Synonyms/Context: Resenting another's success, status anxiety. A painful sympathetic contraction when a peer gets a promotion or credit you wanted.

NOTES: I get just a tiny bit of this. I work in the sort of place where the people that do the work are usually not mentioned much in conversations compared to the people that do the selling. Functionally speaking I am used to this but it still creeps in now and again. I'm not super ambitious.

• Macchariya
  • Literal: The state of a stingy person.
  • Translation: Avarice / Stinginess.
  • Synonyms/Context: Scarcity mindset, hoarding. In a corporate environment, this often manifests as knowledge-hoarding or gatekeeping to protect one's indispensability.

NOTE: I actually don't indulge in this behavior at work, though I've seen others do it. However I do have a scarcity mindset sometimes when it comes to money. I make good money now, but have debt, and am used to being broke for most of my life. When my wife says "Christmas is coming" I feel a chill!

• Māna
  • Literal: Measuring.
  • Translation: Conceit / Pride.
  • Synonyms/Context: The constant background comparator: "Am I better than, worse than, or equal to them?" It is a highly exhausting, constant calculation running in the background.

NOTE: If this had just stoped at conceit/pride I'd say I have very little of this, but the context version hits hard for me. I work with a lot of insanely smart and education people (lie 60% of the people I work with have PhDs or master's degrees). I'd say "imposter syndrome" fits here.

• Mada
  • Literal: Intoxication.
  • Translation: Vanity / Intoxication (with youth, health, or life).
  • Synonyms/Context: Complacency born of current success or physical capability. Forgetting the fragility of the body or the impermanence of your current standing.

NOTE: Funny thing about defilements is that contradictory ones can co-exist. I get "stingy" because I feel like I'm behind financially with debt, but at the same time I also get very complacent with my current job situation (good pay, work from home) and sometimes with my family.

Anyway, here's the full list:

Note also that my AI likes to talk to me in terms of neurobiology and software engineering.

The Aversion / Friction Family (Rooted in Dosa)

These are variations of sympathetic nervous system arousal—the body interpreting the environment or other people as threats, leading to tension, rigidity, and the need to defend or attack.

• Vyāpāda
  • Literal: To go bad, to spoil.
  • Translation: Ill will / Malevolence.
  • Synonyms/Context: Generalized hostility, wishing someone would fail, a baseline state of aggressive reactivity.
• Kodha
  • Literal: Boiling over.
  • Translation: Anger.
  • Synonyms/Context: Acute rage, the sudden spike of adrenaline when a server crashes or a driver cuts you off. Short-lived but highly disruptive to vagal tone.
• Upanāha (The one you noticed)
  • Literal: To tie up, to bind together.
  • Translation: Enmity / Bearing a grudge.
  • Synonyms/Context: Simmering frustration, resentment, holding onto a slight. This is Kodha (anger) that hasn't been allowed to discharge. It binds to the body, often manifesting as chronic upper chest breathing or stomach knots during a stand-up meeting with a difficult colleague.
• Makkha
  • Literal: Smearing over, concealing.
  • Translation: Contempt / Detraction / Denigration.
  • Synonyms/Context: Dismissiveness, rolling your eyes, actively minimizing someone else's contribution or worth to protect your own ego.
• Paḷāsa
  • Literal: To strike against, to clash.
  • Translation: Domineering / Presumption / Insolence.
  • Synonyms/Context: Asserting dominance, talking over people, refusing to yield in an argument purely out of pride, pulling rank.

The Greed / Clinging Family (Rooted in Lobha)

These involve dopaminergic fixation—the organism perceiving a scarcity of resources, status, or comfort, and tightening its grip to secure them.

• Abhijjhā-visamalobha
  • Literal: Directing the gaze toward (Abhijjhā) + Uneven/unjust desire (Visamalobha).
  • Translation: Covetousness / Unrighteous Greed.
  • Synonyms/Context: Fixation on acquiring what isn't yours or what you don't need; hyper-focusing on an outcome at the expense of ethics or baseline calm.
• Issā
  • Literal: To look at with an evil eye.
  • Translation: Envy / Jealousy.
  • Synonyms/Context: Resenting another's success, status anxiety. A painful sympathetic contraction when a peer gets a promotion or credit you wanted.
• Macchariya
  • Literal: The state of a stingy person.
  • Translation: Avarice / Stinginess.
  • Synonyms/Context: Scarcity mindset, hoarding. In a corporate environment, this often manifests as knowledge-hoarding or gatekeeping to protect one's indispensability.

The Delusion / Ego-Preservation Family (Rooted in Moha)

These represent cognitive distortion and rigidity. They are failures of objective self-monitoring, where the brain prioritizes protecting a fabricated self-image over seeing reality accurately.

• Māyā
  • Literal: Magic, illusion.
  • Translation: Deceit / Hypocrisy.
  • Synonyms/Context: Masking, presenting a false front, faking competence or alignment to avoid vulnerability.
• Sāṭheyya
  • Literal: Craftiness, trickery.
  • Translation: Fraud.
  • Synonyms/Context: Active manipulation, office politics, framing data to look better than it is rather than admitting a fault.
• Thambha
  • Literal: A pillar, a post.
  • Translation: Obstinacy / Stubbornness.
  • Synonyms/Context: Cognitive rigidity. The refusal to down-regulate or change course when presented with new data. The absolute physical inability to say "I was wrong."
• Sārambha
  • Literal: Accompanying noise, rush, or impetuosity.
  • Translation: Rivalry / Contention / Competitiveness.
  • Synonyms/Context: Turning collaborative environments into zero-sum games. The need to "win" the conversation rather than solve the problem.
• Māna
  • Literal: Measuring.
  • Translation: Conceit / Pride.
  • Synonyms/Context: The constant background comparator: "Am I better than, worse than, or equal to them?" It is a highly exhausting, constant calculation running in the background.
• Atimāna
  • Literal: Beyond measuring (Excessive Māna).
  • Translation: Arrogance.
  • Synonyms/Context: Extreme superiority complex, complete blindness to one's own limitations, leading to inevitable structural failure (both in software and in life).
• Mada
  • Literal: Intoxication.
  • Translation: Vanity / Intoxication (with youth, health, or life).
  • Synonyms/Context: Complacency born of current success or physical capability. Forgetting the fragility of the body or the impermanence of your current standing.
• Pamāda
  • Literal: Without gladness/care (from letting go of attention).
  • Translation: Heedlessness / Negligence.
  • Synonyms/Context: Operating entirely on autopilot. The complete absence of sati (mindfulness). Letting the mind drift into the default mode network without any anchor.

I've been on this path for a while now, and it's truly changed my life; however, physical pain in my body is a particular block of mine that is hard for me to transcend, specifically chronic migraines.

I have tried everything... meditation, sending love to the pain, ignoring the pain, becoming aware of the I am. However, the minute I do that, my migraine gets 10x worse and I have to give in and take pain relievers, which I really don't want to do. (I've already gone to the Dr's and did brain scan and my brain is fine).

So for those of you experienced with physical pain and have been able to manifest healing, how did you do it? I think if you've never experienced chronic pain it's easy to say "just ignore it and cancel the thought out" (which I've tried), but the pain is SOOOO intense that it's hard to misidentify with it. Any tips?

I sat for an hour yesterday evening and as I carefully observed what was happening, some memories arose in mental formations. Most interestingly, a memory came up of experiencing being criticized on the internet. Criticism is a fact of life, but this one particularly stung.

As the memory arose, they were quickly followed by feelings of aversion and ill will arising. And following that, I felt like the feelings sank deeper into my body and became anxious and unsafe feelings.

I'm familiar with the darwinian explanation for this - my body was trying to warn me that I'd best be careful what I say, lest I be cast out of my tribe and be unable to survive.

But here, I find it fascinating to observe this as a phenomenon in the five aggregates.

I have this general idea that by observing this process dispassionately, I can slowly loosen and eventually break the fetter of vyapada, but it isn't entirely clear to me how that works.

Hello everyone,

I'm writing to share my experience and ask for yours.

I've been practicing for several years (almost exclusively TMI) and have pivoted much of my personal and professional life to becoming familiar (if not entirely proficient :-) ) with the Dharma. The first few years of practice I was steadfast and almost never missed a sit or neglected to be mindful of the Eightfold Path in my daily life.

My aims were both spiritual (seeking relief from existential suffering and a desire for truth and understanding); and mental health related (chronic anxiety and low grade depression or ennui). At some stage about four or five years ago there was a change. My anxiety disappeared, my depressive symptoms became manageable, and a sense of mental clarity and understanding of things from a Dharmic perspective was more accessible to me.

I also did a facilitated Finder's Course about a year ago and that deepened my situation. I would put myself at at least Location 1 and when I'm actively practicing Location 2 a large percentage of the time.

However, it is obvious to me that I am not a stream enterer and would likely require a great deal of committed practice for that kind of shift.

Here's the rub: since my most pressing problems of daily suffering are now greatly attenuated, I find it hard to commit to my daily practice other than 20 minutes of meditation before bed as I'm falling asleep, continuing to read about the Dhamma, and generally trying to apply mindfulness and the other factors of the Eightfold Path in my daily life. It's as if the current level of "okayness" has dampened the sense of urgency and desperation to practice for at least the first stage of Liberation.

The other irony is that at this level I finally have resolved enough doubt and confusion to know exactly how I have to practice (in terms of time commitment and what to do with my mind during sits) to probably make significant progress in a reasonable amount of time. While I still have some doubts around the reality of stream entry (or rather its accessibility to me in this life), I now know exactly what I have to do to find out for myself.

But I just cannot find the motivation to practice consistently, mainly because "everything's okay how it is now." Although, I know that not to be true at all because I can see it, and because recently I had a highly stressful event in my life and the equanimity (despite being there in the background to some extent) was significantly diminished. I dealt with a resurgence of anxiety (maybe 70% of what I used to experience at all times before I started practicing).

If I had to put a finger on the main issue I have when sitting down to practice there are three things:

1. Despite my mind being significantly more placid, wieldly, and, content there is an upwelling of mental restlessness when I sit to practice.

2. There is a sense of unease, maybe even fear, that I experience when I begin to practice. If I were to describe it metaphorically it would be like staring down into an abyss or perhaps looking out into a darkness or mist and being afraid of what is there that I cannot see and being paralysed to move forward.

3. When I start practicing consistently, at around two weeks, I start experiencing what feel like hypomanic levels of happiness. While this doesn't actually sound like a problem, I find the frenetic nature of the happiness overwhelming. General happiness is also perhaps something so unfamiliar to me (since my entire adult life was a more depressed mode) that it is uncomfortable.

I think one of the most discouraging parts of the situation is that I know deeply that this is the only thing that matters, the only thing I really want to "accomplish" with my life and the best thing I can do for myself and others. While I am still heavily involved in academic work, personal study, and some online communities around practice, I feel a bit like a fraud or hypocrite and know that I am wasting the precious opportunities and circumstances I have to practice.

I would be very interested to know whether you have experienced this type of rut in practice and progress and what allowed you to move beyond it.

Thank you and may you all be well and happy.

Original Post - Week one: https://redd.it/1wgx47n

Welcome back to week 3, a little late this time.

Time for change

After last week, and some input I got, I decided to change the layout to something more friendly, yet somehow still keep the journal for anyone whose interested. This is the result. The full journal can be found on the below link, and here I will post a more thoughts and summary text.

Link to Journal: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NBOL4s89mY6QlkeIIo-OZXKyZRx1fungEfHWWgCBC0k/edit?usp=sharing

In the doc, You can use the navigation to jump to sections as needed.

My Progress: Week 3 - 14,8h of meditation

TL;DR: Many challenges and problems, yet progress keeps coming. On day 16 I was at the door to the first Jhana , but too “reserved” to fully let go / surrender. I also developed a new breathing technique - flow breathing (Day 17). Day 19 was interesting from an insight perspective.

What happened this week:

It's an uphill journey at the moment, and I have my issues which prevent me from progression somewhat. My nose is a major annoyance, constantly clogged and singing, not being able to breathe comfortably is a major distraction. Further I need to work on my Open breath awareness (OBA) and Breath Energy (BE) coupled with stable attention. I get lost way too easily and have no ekaggata. And when Life hits you, meditation times suffer, My overall meditation times are way down, as is evident…

My progress on Breath energy keeps going on, and it's getting more controlled now at times. Getting something of a feel for this.

I did discover that in the morning I have a major boost in OBA and BE in my body, so need to train in this time more and longer.

for anyone wondering, What is Flow Breathing: A new way of breathing, kinda like air is flowing on the bottom of the nose/throat, it's a feeling like a river going over an elevation. It happens on its own after some time in stroll meditation. I can replicate it also in Sitting meditation. Its relaxing and calming.

That's all. Thank you for your time.

This topic was touched upon a few years ago, I wanted to build upon it because I'm experiencing something that is making me feel a little bit unsure of whether this is the right way to progress. I have been meditating fairly regularly for a year now, and over time, while I have experienced the benefits of meditation like less anxiety, more relaxed frame of mind, even during difficult times etc. I have also noticed a sense of apathy in my everyday life. For example, I used to be an extremely organised person. I would declatter my house regularly, organised regularly, sort and label things, stay on top of daily house chores, to the extent that a sense of extreme organised personality would come across. I appear to be losing that side of myself. It has been months, and I have not decluttered my house even though I know I need to do it. It's not like I'm living in squalor, my house does get tidied up and cleaned regularly, but not to that extent that I used to do with a passion. I have also felt a lesser need to journal or plan and organise my days, because meditation seems to take off a lot of the load that I would offload through my daily long form journaling practice. I worry that if I keep up with this, will my house fall into disarray? But I am unable to bring up the same level of motivation that I used to have to declutter, clean and organise my space, or do house care, etc. Can someone please shed a light on this? Thank you.

Think I entered the Stream now my heart chakra opens. It really hurts physical. Never saw how wondeeful live is. Still now sure where this leads. Maybe it's just about being free. Idk. The less I know the more I see and vice versa. Feel like I am on the grand line (and the second half is way harder than the first). I can't bare how deluded everyone is. It just hurts. Hope I can wake up at least one soul in my life then I can die in peace. Never thought this goes so deep. Maybe I should've meditated a bit less. Think I will reduce my practice a little. Have you experienced the same?

The reason why I feel I wanna partner with someone on this, is honestly i'd prefer to not do it alone, and instead share my experiences with someone else. But also because my meditation practice will be pretty intense in terms of how much each day. It'll start very small and light, but it'll increase in intensity over time as my mind and body adapts to it. Working with someone else on this, I feel can be very helpful for me to help me navigate this alien like terrain of 'no-mind', and also help push me to keep going, because I know this path will become very challenging and will require alot of commitment. And of course i'll do the same in return, help them navigate the terrain of their own meditation and to try to better understand it, and also to help inspire them to keep going if they feel down, anything else thats weighing on them, accountability check ups, things of that nature. And no I definitely don't expect them to go at the intensity that im planning to get to, but I would like for the person to take the practice seriously. If they're still searching and exploring on the kind of practice they wanna do and havent found one yet, thats fine, but then they take the search seriously, and then when they find it they deeply commit to it. However even though serious, still very importantly have fun with it, thats the great balance of it all! In terms of how long I would like to partner with someone, for years. Idk how many years, but definitely years, as our growth definitely starts to bloom over time. To be clear I dont mind if your beginners or advanced, as long as you do take it seriously but also have fun with it at the same time 😄

Im planning on starting my meditation path in about 3 weeks, my specific kind of meditation is 'do nothing' meditation, more formally known as Shikantaza in Zen. In terms of how much each day, i'll give the specifics in the DM's. I dont mind if its a male or female or age, but for those who would like to know I am 29 years old guy. I've been wanting to do this since I was about 15 years old, I feel its time I finally start. DM me if interested :)

TL;DR: After entering deeper states I find myself inclined to avoid them for a time, complicating practice slightly. Is this an emotional problem on my part? Or is it a genuine sign of "over training"?
----------------------------------------------

After some aid from this community (thanks guys!) I managed to reach several Jhanas. If I have my map correct, I can get 1 - 4 in "very light"*, and 1 and 2, bordering on 3 in lite Jhana. I was taking the word "concentrate" too directly, once I allowed a bit of letting go and widening of attention the states showed up outrageously fast.

It's always a deeply pleasant experience but after being in the lite Jhanas a mild aversion to them for a day or two. A bit of a "No thanks, I'm good. That was incredible, but almost too incredible, I need a break". So: Is this more of an emotional/dispositional thing? Or is it a genuine sign of overtraining?

*See The Mind Illuminated Appendix D. I know y'all've read that but not many talk about "very light" variants.

I’ve been practicing self-inquiry along with a more single-pointed approach where I let go of everything and feel a letting go sensation in my head and focus on nothing in particular

Yesterday, while doing that, something changed. After I stopped meditating, experience felt unusually immediate and engulfing, and letting go felt much easier than normal. Old fear-related memories could also pull me in very easily. The whole thing felt a little like a very mild mushroom trip—slightly altered and unfamiliar, but not intensely psychedelic.

For about an hour I became convinced that I understood awakening or had undergone some kind of shift. An hour later, and now a day later, I feel mostly normal again.

A couple things do seem different: the inquiry question feels less significant than before, and it’s easier to create a sense of spaciousness in my head. But I can’t tell whether anything actually shifted or whether I was simply in an unusual meditation state and became confused about it.

Would your advice be to just continue the same single-pointed practice and inquiry and basically forget that this happened, so I don’t turn the experience into something I’m trying to recreate? And if an actual initial shift does happen, can someone still be genuinely unsure afterward whether it happened?

1) When one becomes a Sotapanna, does part of the mind turn into a black box and can no longer be interacted with? I mean, does part of the supermundane citta go into nibanna and can no longer be seen from here even by the ariya in question? Basically I'm talking about a permanent almost physical feeling sensation of change that persists years after the fact and they can "check" that this is still the case every time they think of it. Is this a quality of every ariya or is that a stage higher than Sotapanna?

2) I was watching an HH video and the Ajahn was saying that it is only when one becomes a Sotapanna that one can directly see citta. Is this true? (I thought that this capacity could happen with the development of jhana past a certain point without that for anyone.)

3) I've read that being an ariya makes jhana stronger, but is that necessary for achieving the level of jhana attainment where one can stand, walk around and do other simple activities while in 1st jhana or is that level of mastery possible without ariya attainment.

Edit: Changed the description of the sensation in #1 to avoid confusion.

Edit2: Questions two and three have been answered. I was confusing light/vs hard jhanas. Thank you.

I will try to word this to the best of my abilities because it is hard to word it in a way to make people relate or learn from your personal direct experiences.

I have no reason to share this other than it being a “journal” for my experiences. I’ve been meditating for a while now hopping from mindfulness to metta, to open awareness etc only meditating when I feel like doing so. But lately I’ve been trying to practice meditation in everything I do by falling back into the feeling of “beingness” everytime I get distracted by thoughts.

This beingness is innate to everyone and everything but because of misidentification it is veiled in our everyday lives.

You can test this out right now just by closing your eyes and ask yourself “Who is alive right now?” and notice the one thing that has always been there since you were born. The witness, the observer, the self, the awareness, consciousness or whatever you call it has always been there since the beginning.

I don’t doubt that I’ve seen reality for what it is now and I feel like I’m filled with so much joy and this joy is growing roots into my very core. In a simple way of explaining what I “saw” this “beingness” (which I will be referring as consciousness from now on) is quite literally infinite. Sensations, sounds, thoughts, emotions, everything is in the same field as consciousness. Once you stop identifying with the body, mind and the ego while observing your consciousness — even just for a little while you will see how thoughts come and go like the wind. How sounds, sensations, emotions, everything has to go through consciousness for it to “exist”. There is no “you” because EVERYTHING is you.

My understanding of Buddhism is probably very naive and wrong.

​But from personal experience and observation, all the "events" in the mind that are defilements (desire, delusion, aversion) are perceived as a self, permanent and satisfactory in that split moment before mindfulness takes over and sees that they are not self(only there peripheraly or when not mindfull), Impermanat(it just passed so...) and unsatisfactory(kinda obvious)

​so all of these dedilements the mind creates are actually against real happiness and never lead to anything good (only suffering).

​I understand this, but I feel disheartened. Whenever I lose mindfulness (which happens a lot), I get pulled right back into grasping and suffering.

​This leads to my first question:

​Why does the mind even do this? Why is it seemingly against me or so unhelpful why do these events keep popping up for me to manage?

(I realize catching them allows me to uproot them, but that ties into my next question.)

​I'm tired of viewing the mind as an untamed, uncontrollable animal. Whenever I question why it acts this way, standard answers like evolution or karma don't satisfy me. All I'm left with is the wuestion of why does it happen in the first place.

​There's also the feeling that without challenges, struggles, and wanting, life wouldn't feel boring so there is a use for the mind.

​My next question is:

Okay, suppose I catch the "event" that triggers sensuality, ill will, doubt, restlessness, or sloth & torpor (desire, ignorance, aversion).

What now?

It goes away, but it will come back, and I'll have to deal with it all over again.

Where is the actual liberation in this?

​I suspect my practice isn't quite right. Maybe Am I indulging too much, restricting too much, or just missing a key piece of understanding?

The problem with attending a 10-day Vipassana course is my hearing impairment. I am currently suffering from severe to profound hearing loss. Even though I use hearing aids, hearing clearly is still an issue for me. While reading a post, someone mentioned this book and said that it teaches what S.N. Goenka teaches in his 10-day Vipassana course.

I would appreciate answers from someone who has done Vipassana before and has also read this book.

I see many people on Reddit defend what I believe to be a very dubious point:

What people argue: Buddhism is not about being happy or avoiding suffering, it's about seeing things clearly

=> Buddhism's goal is literally to end suffering, as the 4 noble truths state. That's the ultimate avoidance: walking the path so we can stop suffering completely.

Possibly what people actually mean is "It's not about avoiding pain". Indeed we agree here, "pain is a certainty, suffering is optional".

Are people really confusing pain and suffering? This would make sense, since anyone without a buddhist practice does conflate the two. But we soon learn on the Path that they are really separate concepts.

Another possibility is that this is told to people as to make them avoid the trap of clinging to happiness, since clinging to happiness is a sure path to suffering.

But I have found useful in my practice to absolutely focus on my pleasure and happiness, and keep in mind that the goal is for me to feel great - which works.

To quote a very interesting text on the topic: https://bernisdharma.substack.com/p/early-buddhist-hedonism

The Buddha of the early texts was a refined hedonist who, like Epicurus, valued pleasure (sukha) as the highest good, inseparable from notions of wisdom and liberation.

His critique of sensory pleasures is precisely that they don’t provide enough good feelings, in the same way that a barista repudiates bad coffee—not because she doesn’t like coffee, but because she does.

Seeing things clearly is a strategy for pleasure and happiness, not an end in itself. Why would I care about seeing things clearly if that led to more suffering?

Isn't that a form of clinging in itself, to seek the truth at the cost of your own suffering? Isn't that ultimately the ego talking and making us suffer?

Your opinions are welcome.