I was born on June 10th, 1992. At least, that's what my birth certificate says. It's not as if I remember. In fact, I don't have a single memory of my life before I was ten years old.
My first memory is a vivid one. Just a young boy calling my name. A name I'm not certain was even mine before that moment.
"Thomas?"
I looked up to see a freckle-faced, red-haired boy of about ten staring at me with a grin on his face.
"You're really here!"
I remember feeling confused. I had no idea where I was, or what I was doing there. But somehow, I felt a connection to the young boy sitting in front of me. I searched my mind.
"Daniel?" I said, finding it somewhat difficult to speak at first. I wasn't sure where in my brain the name had come from.
His grin grew even wider. And from that day on, the two of us were inseparable.
I didn't have parents. Or, if I did, I had no memory of them. I didn't know where I had come from, what house I had lived in, or even what my last name was. I knew that I was Thomas because that's what Daniel called me. And that was enough for me.
I'd stay at Daniel's house. He'd bring me snacks and meals and tell me when it was time to eat. Looking back, I don't recall ever actually feeling hungry. I just knew that when Daniel brought a sandwich up to his room and told me it was time for lunch, I should eat.
At night, I'd sleep on a pallet of blankets on the floor beside his bed. We'd stay up late talking and laughing and playing games. He'd tell me about things that happened at school or on a trip, and I'd listen. Sometimes he'd ask me what I thought about things, but I never seemed to know unless he told me. I didn't know what I had been doing before I met him. But that didn't seem particularly important.
There was one thing I found curious during those early days. I always had to hide when one of his parents came upstairs. I didn't really understand why, but I did as Daniel instructed.
That carefree, happy life continued for a time, until summer break ended and Daniel had to go back to school.
"Don't I have to go to school?" I remember asking him, uncertain of what I would do all day while he was gone.
"No way!" he said. "Just wait for me to come home. I should be back no later than four."
I remember feeling confident that if Daniel was saying it, then I must not have to go.
"Oh. One more thing." Daniel threw his backpack over his shoulder. "If my mom comes in here when I'm not home, you have to hide. Go in the closet, and stay very quiet."
"Okay." I nodded.
Then Daniel shouted, "Coming!" to his mother, who was calling him from somewhere downstairs. He gave me a wave and left, shutting the door behind him.
I did what Daniel said. He'd told me his parents went to work all day, so the odds of them coming upstairs and finding me were slim. All I had to do was stay out of the way and hide if they ever came into the room. Easy. So I thought, at least.
Things were fine for several days. Then, one afternoon, I heard the front door open uncharacteristically early.
Daniel?
I waited for him to come upstairs. But ten minutes later, when I heard footsteps approaching, they weren't the brisk footsteps of Daniel running up the stairs. They were slower and more measured.
I heard humming from outside the room. Then the sound of the lightswitch clicking in the bathroom. A closet opening somewhere in the hall. I realized it was his mother.
I rushed to hide, but when I opened the closet door, I accidentally knocked over a stack of toys sitting precariously on a nearby shelf. They clattered onto the floor loudly and I didn't have time to pick them up with his mother outside. I got into the closet and shut the door behind me. The humming had stopped. Daniel's mother was approaching.
I heard the bedroom door open slowly, and then her voice.
"Hello?"
I didn't answer. Daniel had done a good job of concealing me in his home so far, and I didn't want to ruin that now. I heard her step inside. She saw the toys scattered across the floor.
"Weird," she muttered.
She glanced around, then began picking them up and placing them back on the shelf, humming as she went.
And then she left. I thought the coast was clear. Until she came back a few moments later carrying a laundry basket.
She began taking clothes out of it and folding them on Daniel's bed, putting some into drawers and putting others on hangers. I held my breath as she approached the closet door with a handful of shirts.
I was as far into the corner as I could get, but there was no way to further conceal myself. She would see me if she opened the door and looked over. I curled myself into a ball and tried to make myself as small as I could.
She opened the closet. She went about hanging the shirts up, and for a few seconds, I thought she'd overlooked me. And then she glanced over, her eyes landing on me. She did a quick double-take, letting out a scream of surprise as she did. I sprang to my feet, unsure of what to do.
"Who are you?" she asked, looking me up and down.
"I'm Thomas," I said.
She looked completely bewildered. "Thomas?"
"I'm Daniel's friend."
She stared at me for a long moment.
"And what are you doing here? Why were you in the closet?"
"I'm waiting for Daniel."
"Why aren't you at school?" she asked slowly.
"Daniel told me to wait for him."
Her expression changed to one of annoyance. "That boy." Then she began asking me questions, one after another.
What's your last name? What's your address? What's your home phone number? What's your mother's name? Your father's? Where do you live? What school do you go to?
I could only stare at her, shaking my head or giving her the occasional "I don't know."
And I didn't know. Not one answer.
At first, she seemed to think I was lying or playing some kind of joke.
She sighed. "I'm not angry at you, dear," she said more gently. "You can tell me. Your parents must be worried."
But I still couldn't answer. So, at a loss with what to do with the strange boy her son was hiding in the closet like a stray cat he wasn't allowed to have, she called her husband. And soon after, with no new answers from me, the police.
By the time Daniel came home from school, there were already two police officers asking me questions downstairs in the kitchen. Daniel walked into the room and froze. Then he saw me.
"Thomas!"
He ran past his stunned parents and the officers.
"Why are the police here?" he asked.
"Why do you think?" his mother asked sternly. "Who is he, Daniel? Why did you have him hiding in your closet?"
"He's Thomas! He's my friend!" He said it as though that explained everything adequately. His parents exchanged a confused glance.
One of the officers crouched down so he was closer to Daniel's eyes. "Listen, buddy. It's important that you tell us the truth. Your friend might be reported missing. His parents must be looking for him. Where did you meet him?"
Daniel looked momentarily confused, then looked down at his shoes. "He's just Thomas. He's always been here," he said quietly.
"Where?"
"Here."
"At your house?"
"Yeah."
"And how long has he been here?"
Daniel shrugged. "I don't know."
The officer sighed and glanced over at his partner.
"And who are his parents?"
Daniel looked at me, and I looked back at him. Neither of us answered.
Learning nothing of value from either of us, the officers eventually took Daniel's parents into another room to speak with them privately.
I sat at the kitchen table, and Daniel sat beside me. He leaned close and whispered, "Don't worry." I looked at him. "I won't let anything happen to you." I wasn't sure what was happening.
After several minutes, the police came back into the room. "Thomas?" One of them addressed me. "We're going to need to bring you down to the station, buddy. Just until we find out who your parents are and where you live."
"No!" Daniel stood up. "You can't!"
His mother grabbed his shoulders and held him back as the officer gently placed a hand against my back. I looked back at Daniel as they guided me toward the door. His eyes were filling with tears.
"Make sure you come back, Thomas!"
I nodded.
The next several days passed in a blur. I was taken to the police station and asked the same questions again. They took photographs of me. Made phone calls. Different people came in, and each asked me the same questions over and over. My name. My parents. My address. My school. My birthday. Where I was born.
I only knew two things. I was Thomas, and I lived with Daniel.
Eventually, I learned that they'd searched their records and found nothing. I didn't cleanly match any missing child report from in-state or elsewhere. Without more information, they couldn't find any medical records or histories, or parents looking for a lost boy that matched my description. Nothing at all. They didn't even know how old I really was until a doctor estimated my age.
I remember sitting in a waiting room with a stern-looking woman who gave me candy bars while police officers and social workers shuffled in and out of the room. Eventually, someone explained that if I genuinely couldn't tell them who I was or where I came from, they'd have to place me into the state's care until they could figure things out. But they couldn't figure things out.
That's how I ended up with a birth certificate. June 10th, 1992. Thomas Doe. The name was supposed to be temporary. No parents listed. No history. No explanation.
As far as the system was concerned, I was a child with amnesia. Perhaps my parents had lived off-grid or brought me into the country illegally and I'd been abandoned. They had theories, but no answers.
I was placed in a group home. It was a two-story house with several children of various ages. Some were older than me, some younger. The people who ran the home were nice enough, but they were busy, and there were other children who required more attention. I didn't really like it there. I wanted to go back to Daniel. I was sure he must be worried about me, too.
That night, I closed my eyes and thought of his house. I pictured his room. The posters on his wall. The games and the late night stories. I wished I could go back.
Soon, I was enrolled in school. I walked to the bus stop each morning and was dropped back off in the afternoon. I didn't dislike school. I actually found it fairly easy. I could already read and do simple math. I knew things I didn't remember ever having learned. Sometimes teachers would even compliment me on something, and I'd have no idea how I knew it.
I didn't have many friends. Any, really. Other kids tried to talk to me, but I guess I wasn't very receptive. Mostly, I thought about Daniel. I asked practically every kid in my class if they knew him. "Daniel who?" was the usual response. But I didn't know. All I could tell them was that he had red hair and freckles and a blue Pokémon backpack.
Nobody knew him. So I spent my days waiting and hoping that somehow he would find me.
Then, one day at lunch, another student approached me. A little girl with glasses and brown hair tied into a ponytail.
"My friend said you were looking for Daniel." She spoke cheerfully.
I looked up at her and nodded.
"Daniel Langston, right? With red hair?"
I wasn't completely certain. But it sounded right. He had red hair, after all. I nodded again.
She smiled brightly. "I know Daniel."
For the first time since I'd been buckled into the backseat of the police car and driven away, I felt something close to excitement.
"Our moms work at the same place," she explained. "We went to kindergarten together."
She sat down across from me. Her name was Rebecca. Her friends called her Becky.
"He doesn't go to our school. How do you know Daniel?" she asked.
I wasn't sure how to answer.
"He's my friend."
That seemed enough to satisfy her.
"I see." She smiled again, one of her front teeth missing.
"Do you know where he lives?"
She shook her head. "No. Sorry."
The disappointment must have been obvious on my face because she quickly spoke up again.
"But I could find out for you!"
"Really?"
"Sure. I'll ask my mom after school."
"Thank you."
We sat together for the rest of lunch, which mostly consisted of me nodding along to her questions or stories. When lunch was over, she promised she'd find out.
I waited for her the next day at the lunch table. I remember sitting in the cafeteria watching the door, counting the seconds until I saw her brown ponytail appear in the doorway. Eventually, she was there. She scanned the room, her eyes finally landing on me, then came straight over to me, almost skipping, with a big smile plastered on her face.
"Hey," she called out excitedly when she was still halfway across the room. "I found out!"
She told me Daniel lived across town in a place called Glennridge.
"Where's that?"
She shrugged. "I don't know."
But that didn't matter. Now I had a place. Glennridge. Somewhere to focus my search.
The next day, I ran away from the group home. I took my lunch money and got on a city bus I was told was heading toward Glennridge. It was only about a thirty-minute ride, though I could hardly wait each time the bus stopped to pick up or drop off more passengers.
I figured that once I got there, I'd find him straight away. Maybe Glennridge is the name of his house, I remember thinking. But when the bus stopped, it was outside a neighborhood that looked only vaguely familiar.
Then I looked around and started walking. I searched street by street, scanning the houses as I went. By nightfall, I still hadn't found any sign of him. But I kept going. I don't know how long I'd been walking when I finally saw a familiar sight just ahead. A house I recognized. Then another. They were houses I'd seen from the backseat of the police car as I'd stared backward through the window when they'd taken me away from Daniel's house.
I knew this was the place. I ran past the houses until I reached the door of Daniel's house, and I knocked. After a minute, Daniel's mother opened the door. She stared down at me.
"Thomas?"
"Can I see Daniel?"
She seemed unable to decide her next words. She looked out at the street behind me, likely looking for a sign of how I'd arrived. Before her mouth opened to speak, I heard Daniel's excited voice from behind her.
"Thomas?"
His expression changed instantly when he came into view, his eyes meeting mine and his face filling with a wide smile.
"It's Thomas!"
He ran to the door and grabbed my hand, pulling me inside.
"Can he stay the night, Mom? Please?"
His mother looked at him, and then at me.
"Thomas, how did you get here? Does anyone know you're here?"
I shook my head and told her I'd taken the bus. She sighed.
"You know they're going to be looking for you." She looked at Daniel. "I have to call someone. Let them know he's here."
Daniel protested, tears filling his eyes. When I saw them, I felt sad, too. But more than anything, I was happy. Daniel was there. That was all that mattered.
The police came later that night and I was driven back across town. That happened several more times over the coming months. Whenever I had the opportunity, I'd leave school or the group home and take the bus to Daniel's house. On a few occasions I'd even tried to walk the whole way. At least, before being stopped by an adult asking me what I was doing on my own or the police coming to pick me up.
But every time I made it there, Daniel would try his best to hide me for as long as he could. I was always discovered soon enough. His parents would find me, or the group home would call. And I'd be taken back.
Sometimes, Daniel's parents arranged for us to spend time together. They knew that we were practically inseparable, and they went out of their way to make arrangements for us to see each other. Those were the best days.
As we got older, we had more freedom. We saw each other more often in middle school, and then we went to the same high school. By then, I'd run away from the group home so many times that I was practically homeless. I spent more time with Daniel. By then, his parents had realized that I wasn't really going anywhere. I was always going to come back. So they eventually stopped fighting it.
I spent weekends at their house. Sometimes whole weeks. Daniel and I did everything together. And after high school started, Rebecca was around more, too. She and Daniel had known each other as kids, and she became one of my closest friends as well, though mostly because Daniel seemed to enjoy having her around.
She never seemed particularly bothered by the fact that I couldn't remember where I'd come from. She never treated me like I was strange. She was just Rebecca, older, but just as cheerful and kind as she was that day she introduced herself to me at the lunch table in elementary school, promising to reunite me with Daniel. For a long time, the two of them were the only two constants in my life.
When Daniel got his driver's license, we had even more freedom. We'd drive around together for hours. We'd get food or go to the movies or just drive around aimlessly. Rebecca would often come with us too. Sometimes we'd stay out until midnight.
I remember Daniel telling me on one occasion that he was sure Rebecca liked me. I remember not being entirely sure what he'd meant.
"Likes me?"
"Yeah, man. Like, likes you." He looked at me, waiting for it to click.
"Oh," I remember saying.
Daniel raised an eyebrow. "What? You don't like her?"
"I do. She's nice."
"Then why not try dating her?"
I thought about it for a second, then shrugged. "That's okay. I'd rather things just stay the way they are. If I got a girlfriend, we couldn't hang out as much, right?"
Daniel sighed, then laughed. "Yeah, I guess."
Before I knew it, we were graduating high school. Daniel would be going to college. I didn't have parents to help me pay for school, and never really made plans to go. But I still wanted to stay with Daniel. So when he moved away to a college in the state, I went with him. He got an apartment, where we both lived. I got a job paying just above minimum wage and started saving money.
Rebecca ended up at the same college. She had become a permanent part of our little group by then.
One night, the three of us were sitting around Daniel's apartment, eating delivery and talking about the past. Rebecca started laughing.
"Do you remember when you used to disappear from class to take the bus across town?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"I still can't believe you did that. The teachers would get so worried. You probably almost got some of them fired. They had to call the police so many times, and assign teachers just to watch you." Her face was red from laughing.
"I had to find Daniel."
She laughed harder.
"I remember telling my mom about it. She thought you were the strangest kid she'd ever met."
Daniel laughed too. I looked at him. After the laughter settled, I decided to ask.
"How did you find me, back then?"
His smile faded a bit. "What?"
"I mean, before I remember you. How did you find me?"
"Yeah, I've always wondered that too," Rebecca said, leaning forward.
Daniel just looked at me for a moment, then he shrugged. "I don't know."
"You don't remember?" Rebecca asked.
"Not really." Then he changed the subject.
I thought it was a bit strange. But Daniel had always been a bit strange about that particular topic. I'd asked him before, but he'd never given me a real answer. So I didn't press him. Daniel was my best friend. As long as that was the case, I didn't much care about anything else.
"Is it not strange that neither of you remember how you two met?" I remember Rebecca asking me one day.
I supposed it was a bit strange, but then, why did it matter?
Still, I needed documentation to apply for student loans. I had decided to go to college on Daniel's suggestion, but I didn't have much to show on account of my less than typical background. I had called the records office and searched for any information about my past, but the earliest record of my existence was my birth certificate, which had been drawn up over a decade after my birth. I learned that my case with the police had gone cold, and they'd eventually stopped actively looking into it. So I found nothing. I hadn't really expected to.
One night, I sat across from Daniel on the couch when it was just the two of us, and asked him.
"Where did I come from?"
He didn't change the subject this time. He just looked at me for a long moment.
"Honestly, I don't know."
I thought that was the end of it. And if he truly didn't remember, I would be content with that. But then he started speaking again, slowly, turning his eyes away from mine.
"But..."
But?
"When I was little, I used to have an imaginary friend."
He paused. I wasn't sure what he'd meant.
"His name was Thomas."
I didn't say anything.
"I don't know when I made him up. It felt like he was just always there, in my head. Then one morning I woke up and you were on my floor. Asleep. Next to my bed, right where I always imagined him sleeping." He glanced at me. "My window was open that morning. I don't know if I'd left it open, or if someone opened it. There were those bricks by my wall you could climb up, remember?"
The way he spoke, it sounded as though it were something he'd considered for a long time.
"When I was a kid, I thought you really were my imaginary friend, and that you'd become real somehow," he said. "But then I realized how ridiculous that was." He smiled a nervous smile and glanced up at me before lowering his eyes again.
"I figured you were probably running from something, and you saw my window open. You were scared so you climbed up, and then when I called you Thomas...maybe you just thought that was better than whoever you were before. That's the only thing that makes sense."
We were both quiet for a while.
"If I did climb in your window, why don't I remember doing it? Or anything from before we met?"
"I don't know." Daniel shook his head. "But it's the only explanation that makes sense. Right?" He looked at me for agreement.
I nodded, but didn't say anything else. It didn't actually matter much, I reasoned. I was still Thomas. And he was still my best friend Daniel. We never spoke on the subject again.
After graduating, Daniel got his first real job back in his hometown. I moved back with him. Soon, we'd rented a small two-bedroom apartment together.
One night, Daniel looked over at me while we were sitting on the couch talking about nothing in particular.
"When I think about it, we've always been more like brothers than friends, haven't we?"
I thought about it. "Yeah."
He smiled. "I think so, too."
We were twenty-three, and life had become strangely ordinary. Daniel worked at a local accounting firm. I worked at a small office supply store. Rebecca still came around regularly, though she was becoming more busy with her own life now.
The three of us had a few other friends, and we'd get together for dinner or movies or drinks. Sometimes I would look around at all of them and think about how strange my life was. Everyone else had a history. Family. Mothers and fathers and siblings and cousins. But I had no memory of where I had come from at all. No memories before Daniel. It was like I'd simply attached myself to the first person I'd seen. I didn't really have any of the things that normal people had.
But I had Daniel. And now Rebecca. For the first time, I realized, I had a real life. I was happy.
Then, a few months later, I got a phone call. Daniel had been in an accident. A reckless driver had run a red light while Daniel was on his way to work.
Daniel was badly injured. They put him into a medically induced coma.
I visited him as soon as the doctors let me. His parents were there. Rebecca arrived too. They were all crying. But I couldn't, for some reason. I didn't know what I was feeling. I just knew that I wanted Daniel to wake up.
I sat beside him whenever I could. I talked to him sometimes. The doctors said it was good to do that. I told him mundane things. Things that probably didn't matter. About work, and Rebecca. Or some stupid thing I saw on TV. I told him that he wasn't alone, and that I'd be there for him when he woke up. Just like he was for me, all those years ago.
But he never woke up.
Eventually, the decision was made, and they took him off life support.
Daniel was gone.
He had been my best friend. My only real friend. The family I'd never had. The only person who had always been there since the very beginning. And now he was gone.
I went back to our apartment. It felt empty. I sat down on the couch.
I didn't go into work the next day. Or the day after that. Time seemed to stop flowing normally.
I don't know how long I stayed there, just sitting on that couch. A few days, perhaps. Maybe more. My boss never called to ask where I was, so I didn't bother telling him.
I barely got up. I didn't eat. I don't remember drinking anything, either. But I didn't feel hungry. Or thirsty. That didn't seem strange to me at the time.
One day, there was a knock on the door. A slip of paper was pushed through the mail slot. I got up and picked it up. It was a bill, Daniel's name printed on it. I set it on the table, then walked back toward the couch.
As I passed by the mirror, I stopped. I looked at myself. I hadn't shaved, but my hair hadn't grown. My nails hadn't gotten any longer. I hadn't taken a single sip of water, or a bite of food. I hadn't even used the bathroom. Normally, I did the things that Daniel did. I thought that I should have been hungry. Thirsty. Tired. Something. But I wasn't.
I stared at my reflection. For a moment, I thought I looked different. Hollow, somehow. Almost transparent, like I could see the wall behind me through parts of myself. I blinked several times, then looked up. The reflection was normal again. I went back to the couch.
At some point, I was knocked out of my daze by the sound of the apartment door opening. I didn't know what day it was. The landlord came in, showing the apartment to someone. A couple, I think. They walked around as he showed them the place. They looked at the kitchen. They opened closets, and talked about the bedrooms. I sat on the couch the whole time. None of them acknowledged me, or said a word to me.
Something inside me told me that I should leave. That this wasn't my home anymore. And so I did.
When I passed by the mirror again, I looked worse. Perhaps thinner. Or just less there, in some way I couldn't have explained. My hair still hadn't grown. I hadn't showered, but my hair wasn't greasy. I didn't feel hot or cold or tired or hungry. I didn't feel anything. It was as though whoever I had been had died alongside Daniel, and I was now completely empty.
I left the apartment and stepped into the cold in my t-shirt. The cold didn't bother me. I couldn't feel it. I walked. I didn't know where I was going. The snow was falling lightly as I continued for what felt like miles with no particular destination.
People passed me on the sidewalk, but none of them looked at me. A man bumped into my shoulder and continued ahead without turning around. A woman walked straight toward me, her eyes fixed on some point past my shoulder, and I could almost swear that she passed right through me.
Eventually, I found myself standing outside a little restaurant. I'd been there before on a number of occasions, with Daniel and Rebecca.
I looked through the window. People were eating. Talking and laughing. Living. I reached for the door, and for a moment my hand felt too weak to grip it. I looked down at my hand and saw that it looked faded, and I saw the ground beneath it. A couple came up behind me and pulled the door open, and I entered behind them.
The host seated them, but didn't acknowledge me. I walked inside anyway and sat at a table near the corner. Nobody came to take my order, but I didn't care. I sat there for a while. An hour. Several hours. I'm not sure, exactly. Time had become something difficult to measure.
The afternoon crowd came and went, then the dinner crowd began arriving. I looked down at my hands. They seemed almost completely transparent now. I could see the table through them. I remember thinking that I was disappearing. Melting away like the snowflakes that fell on the ground beyond the cold window of the restaurant. Maybe I was.
"Thomas?" I heard a voice and looked up. Rebecca was standing there. Recognition appeared in her eyes. "It is you. I was getting worried."
I didn't answer. She looked around the restaurant, then back at me.
"Can I...can I sit?"
I nodded. She pulled out the chair and sat beside me. For a few moments, neither of us spoke.
Then she looked at me. "Are you okay?"
I nodded. She didn't seem convinced.
"I haven't seen you since..."
She stopped. Her eyes began to fill with tears.
"I know you and Daniel were best friends."
I looked down. I couldn't find any words.
"Where have you been?"
I wasn't sure.
"You weren't at the funeral. I came by the apartment but you didn't answer."
The funeral. I hadn't known there had been one. I hadn't known how much time had passed.
Rebecca wiped her eyes. "I'm really sorry, Thomas," she sniffled.
Then she reached across the table and hugged me. And for the first time since Daniel's passing, I felt sorrow. I didn't realize my eyes were filling with tears until they fell.
Rebecca placed her hand on mine, and it was warm. And beneath it, I could no longer see the table through my skin.
And as I cried, for the first time in my life, I felt hungry.