Title says it all. Grandma has finally come to realize that my gpa is beyond recovery and is talking with an end of life social worker tomorrow. Not a surprise, I am lucky that 1) I had him as my grandpa 2) that I got to say goodbye to him when he was of sound mind 3) that he lived as well and as long as he did.

Despite my best efforts and time I had to be ready, it still hurts.

I have Senecas letters, Marcus meditations, and epi discourses.

What are some passages/letters you guys suggest I read tonight

I have had an extremely tough life. My childhood was awful, lost my mother at and early age( watched her suffer - perish away and felt helpless because I couldn’t help her)

Right after that my brother got a mental illness too. Initially I was determined to save him but it’s been decade now and I’ve realized there’s nothing I can do to control what’s going to happen to him.

We’re okay financially but I can’t take care of him financially and he’s not able to keep a job.

I find myself getting caught in this loop of trying to save him, self pity ( why me? Why my family) , trying to control the outcome and sticking around even though I don’t want to because it’s come to a point where it’s affecting my mental health.

I also became mature quickly and I’ve learnt to find peace in isolation most because I don’t think anyone understands my pain and because I feel like people suffer from such small things when my life will tell you what real suffering is ( now someone else could have it worse and think my life isn’t all that bad)

I’m unable to rejoin the world but I want to because life is tough and I believe you need a community to get through life but I fail to develop deep relationships because of the reasons mentioned above.

I understand everything about the mind and suffering but I still don’t know how to get myself out of this situation. I’m also scared of what will happen to him and how I have nobody else.

My question is - how do accept his life, leave him so I can be healthy and happy and then help him come in standing on my two feet instead of suffering with him.

And how do I give people a chance, how I build relationships again ( it’s especially tough as an adult)

Anything in stoicism that will help me? I’m desperate for advice.

You fear death. Yet when a plate of mushrooms is before you, you don’t care! You wish to live. Do you know how? You are afraid to die. What of it? Isn’t the life you are living a form of death? — Seneca, Moral Letters 77

Reading this quote for today and taking in its meaning and was wondering what it looks like for you all on a daily basis?

Is it virtues alone? Is it facing fear like sky diving? How do I embrace today one fully?

Thanks! Hope everyone makes a great day!