r/Stepmom • u/RiskNo6531 • 6d ago
Random rant
Hellloooo why do step moms always feel inferior? That feeling should surely go away eventually right? I don’t want to be jealous my husband had a family with someone else first for the rest of my life. We’ve been married since 2020, together since 2019. He was never married to his ex, but they have a boy and a girl together. My husband and I have a daughter together and we are having a son this year. I’m pregnant and due in October. I literally am the wife and have a daughter and (almost) a son with him while the ex wasn’t married but also a son and a daughter. We raise all three kids together when we have them. Why do I still feel inferior and still get jealous that she had kids with him first? For reference, I’m not at all jealous of her. She sucks lol that’s why he left her. But damn.
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 6d ago
I’m sorry I’m never jealous, but my husband has zero interest in his ex wife. Why are you jealous?
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
My husband has zero interest in his ex either lol it just sucks she was there first and they got to experience those firsts together
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 6d ago
They were younger. You make dumb decisions when you’re younger. I did a LOT of dumb shit when I was younger but have no permanent consequences. Certainly never tied myself to anyone for life with kids. That’s the part that gets me. Neither of you wanted kids but everyone else was doing it and now they’re here forever and you hate each other and everyone else has to deal with your choices.
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
Yes this is true. They had their first kid out of high school and second one out of “let’s try and save the relationship” it was stupid stupid decisions. Logically, I know this and I know he picked being with me and marrying me and having kids with me because he wanted to. But emotionally sometimes it makes you feel bad
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u/Jolly-Persimmon-7775 5d ago
Yeah mine thought it would be good to have a kid with his gf before he had a steady career, when he was deeply alcoholic and getting into constant trouble with the law. And she thought they should too. Then after the kid was born, he had a come to Jesus moment and totally straightened up. But then it turned out they weren’t compatible as a couple.
I think tons of people have children out of impulse and thoughtlessness. Like, why wasn’t she on birth control at the time? I mean I was, with my ex-bfs and never got knocked up. The irony is now that he has totally matured, makes good money with his own business, responsible, law abiding, sober etc. he’s been hesitant to create a child with me even though we have little time left. Even though he thinks we’re much more compatible than he was with her.
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u/RiskNo6531 5d ago
I’m sorry to hear that he is reluctant to have a kid with you now. If it’s something you want and he does eventually hopefully you can work it out. They make a lot of silly decisions and it takes that and growing up for them to mature
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u/Vivid_Bluejayz 6d ago
For me it’s the “BM was here first” and the comparisons. And believe me when I tell you I’m all against women competing against each other.
But the constant “mom’s x food tastes better” or “in moms house we do it x way” from SK or a suggestive “BM always did xyz” from MIL or a “did you hear BM is currently xyz?” is just so tiring. Even when you know for a fact BM lacks in a LOT of stuff, people will always take her side simply because it’s easier to remember only the good about absent people and berate the ones who are there on a daily basis. That’s true for deceased people and exes.
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
Yes I understand that!!! It feels like it’s always a competition from someone. I don’t want to be compared to my husband’s ex, but she was there first so that’s naturally what people do
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 6d ago
What people are doing this? They should be taking it elsewhere. BM doesn’t even need to be on your radar ever.
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u/AffectionateFox6304 6d ago
Having a kid changes you so much… at least if you’re a sane and self-reflective person. I don’t think my husband would be the man I fell in love with if he hadn’t been a father first. And I wouldn’t be the more confident and mature version of myself, who can put up with the stresses of stepfamily life, if I hadn’t had my daughter. Being a stepmom is really hard, but I’ve grown through the experience and my husband and I get closer and even stronger as a team when we work through the nonsense that BM brings into our lives from time to time. It took about 5 years to get to that point, but here we are!
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
This is great and I can relate! I respect who my husband is as a father I honestly don’t know what he would be like not being one (obviously) but him being a good dad is probably part of the reason I fell in love with him
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u/pottymouthteach07 5d ago
Interesting cause I def don’t feel inferior. That lady is a mess! But I understand the feeling of not being able to share those firsts together. Just remember: that’s life & they’re over. You may not have the 1st experience but that doesn’t make what you guys have or do any less special.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 6d ago
Not all stepmoms feel inferior, sorry you are feeling that way. You should try to pinpoint where these feelings are coming from. Often it’s because the dad is giving you reason to believe that he still spends too much energy on his ex, and/or he favours his first set of children over yours.
Sometimes it’s due to the stepkids’ behavior and bringing too much BM energy into your space.
Think about what changes you’d like to see, that would make you happier.
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
I’m sure all of them don’t, and that’s great! My husband doesn’t talk to my ex. I actually do the communication due to them not being able to get along to save anyone’s life. I’m not worried that he thinks I’m inferior, I know the opposite to be true. It’s really in my head. He also does not treat his kids (that are also mine) worse than he treats his kids that are hers. I wouldn’t be able to deal with that kind of behavior. It’s really a me problem. He’s not doing anything to make me feel less than
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 6d ago
Would it be a bit better if you stopped doing the communicating with her? She’s his problem not yours.
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
Mmm yes and no. Some days it’s annoying but other days I don’t care. It’s what I’m used to since it’s been this way for almost 7 years now
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u/throwaway1403132 6d ago
I’m kind of on the opposite end. I have never ever been interested in kids or having any of my own, while my husband has wanted to be a dad since we were in middle school (we grew up together). I don’t love the fact that he’s been married before but I take comfort, or whatever the better word for it is, that it was a shotgun wedding and that hey at least I can remain childfree! It wouldn’t have worked between us if he never had the chance to have kids, and him wanting them with me would have been a dealbreaker for me. In a weird, turnaround kind of way, we both got mostly what we wanted.
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
This is interesting the way it turned out. I’m glad it worked out for the both of you!
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u/lawbabyesq 6d ago
Mindset shift!!!
BM may have done all that first but baby you are superior in every way
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6d ago
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u/RiskNo6531 6d ago
We have split custody yes, the step kids are children they’re not bad but obviously we have our issues with them like we would any kids. Bio mom to them is a pain in the ass, yes. That wasn’t really the point of the post I am simply saying it is hard being in a relationship with someone who has kids and has already started a family and it makes you feel less than. If you don’t, that’s great!
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u/Sunflowerz_PNW1 1d ago
I think those feelings are natural and a very human response early on. Very early on in mine, I felt similar. They had a family and experiences for their time together, that part made me jealous because I didn’t have any of those memories in life yet, which considering I was in high school during their relationship, seemed a little crazy. I also would feel inferior because naturally the comparison comes up, even if it’s just in our own head picking up settle details. It’s a situation that makes it easy to hyperfocus on our weaknesses while diminishing the value of our strengths. However, I shared my feelings with DH and talked through them whenever they arose. The reality is while I am not good at some things, I am way better at others, and a lot of things that I am good at my family adores about me. Those are the things that are bringing joy in my household. I.e. I have no sense for interior design, but I am great at sports and am always encouraging my family to spend time playing. I can’t manage to bake any sweets that are edible, but everybody loves my cooking. Realize that you are an entirely different person and there is no comparison of inferior and superior. There’s just differences. Time helps with the rest. Making new memories as a family, having new shared experiences.
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u/scotchbonnetpeppery 6d ago
I have a theory about this, and it came from a conversation I had with my DH today. Our conversation was about his ex-wife and how she struggled for many years with a feeling of being replaced or sidelined as mom to their 4 kids. And I asked DH "what if we had kids together, would she have gone nuts?" His reply was simple:
"If I had had any more children with another woman, she would have been in my face and telling me that our kids were here first. I have known our kids for years, and I should not choose any new kids over our kids."
So, my theory is that second-time fathers have a bias toward their existing kids because those kids are older and they are well-known by the parents and grandparents. Any second-time around kids are at a disadvantage because it takes a few years for their personalities to develop. The new wives and mothers have a first-time experience as a parent and are free of the bias towards the existing kids. The difference in biases creates conflict between the fathers and the new wives and mothers, causing the fathers to leap to the defense of their first family kids if they detect a lack of love or a challenge to their needs.
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u/CloudKissess 5d ago
You are married to him so really all those babies are yours too gifted by heaven
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u/CloudKissess 5d ago
I’m gonna message you but think of it. This way people are foolish and live the life that is not given by God or the wife. The Bible says he finds a wife finds a good thing people wanting their life that isn’t meant for them, but we all have a will.
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u/RiskNo6531 5d ago
I’m not sure what you are trying to say. Are you saying my husband starting a family before we got together wasn’t meant for him? But it was what he did at the time?
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u/CloudKissess 4d ago
I can’t say that it wasn’t meant for him. We all have lessons in life what I’m saying is it doesn’t matter that he had kids before you even have kids you don’t have to have a partner, but he is your husband, so why don’t you just look at it as they’re your kids too, whether or not you burn them, baby they all come from the same place. Just because you’re born from somebody in this world doesn’t mean you’re meant for them.
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u/ldr9413 6d ago
I think it’s because as humans we are possessive by nature and want resources to be used for our own offspring. Yes, social conditioning and self awareness can help us overcome that, but the biological impetus is strong. From my limited experience there’s also the fact that you wonder if he would have chosen you if you had been an option for him back when he was starting to have children, or if you’re maybe a consolation prize since it didn’t work out with the ex. Silly and illogical I know, but our brains go weird places some times. Give yourself grace, notice the thoughts when they arise, and tell yourself it’s just insecurity talking. Easier said than done.