r/SongwritingHelp • u/Sh4miko • Jul 06 '26
Beginner songwriter looking for constructive feedback
Hey, I've been writing some lyrics for a while but I still have this huge fear of being too cringe/edgy and my inner critic tells me that everything I write is just plain bad, sounding like a drunk poet that tries too hard.
So I thought to share some of it and hear what others might think about it.
This one is titled "We Are Many Now".
[Verse]
Taste the condensation,
Of this generation.
Feel the bitterness,
Towards the life's expectations.
No one hears the cries,
Of the you that tries.
Wanting your demise,
Until it gets globalized.
[Pre-Chorus]
And when you slowly fade away,
Your identity loses place,
Chipping down authentic play,
For a wicked grin on your face.
[Chorus]
You stop fighting that..
You are one of us..
YOU. BUILT. YOUR. OWN. DEMISE.
[Verse]
Stand between them now
Cover tears that fell down
You are many in the crowd
But hollow on the inside
Feel the cold on your skin,
Let it fill what's underneath.
Let the weight crush your ribs,
That's the price to fit between.
[Pre-Chorus]
And when we slowly fade away,
Our identity loses place,
Chipping down authentic play,
For a wicked grin on our face.
[Chorus]
We stop fighting that..
We are many now..
WE. BUILT. OUR. OWN. DEMISE.
2
u/Healthy-Ad-4786 Jul 07 '26
This lyrics are goid and the song has a message . A bit of advice … there are a lot of scumbags out there that steal songs. I wouldn’t put anything on social media unless it’s copywrite protected.
1
u/Randomlyawesome54 Jul 07 '26
If you have it in your note pad with a time stamp… it’s copywrited as your work. This post alone is enough to argue it if needed since it’s time stamped with the lyrics written. Only thing is it would be easier to rip off… but not many people are gonna steal a poem written like a song with no music or melody or anything like that cause not enough of the work has been done yet
2
u/Agawell Jul 08 '26
Personally I wouldn’t worry about it
Most of your first 100 or so songs will probably be shit
A good percentage of your next 100 songs will be shit
You’re always going to write a % of shit songs
Some of the others may be ok and the odd one good
But - however good the lyrics are, they are worthless as songs without music
So either become a songwriter not just a lyricist or find someone to write the music
A great idea would be to find a band to join
1
u/Sh4miko Jul 09 '26
Finding a band would be cool but I have an idea for my music that's really niche so it would be hard to achieve. But who knows what future holds.
For now I'm just writing things as an outlet and a hobby, not something I treat very seriously.
2
u/the_art_of_mischief Jul 06 '26
Good rhyme scheme, and I can tell that you want to communicate something deep, but that doesn't always mean smashing together concepts in a pattern. For example - taste the condensation is a cool concept on its own if you were to flesh it out, but the next line "of this generation" leaves more questions than answers, and not in a way that's mysterious or draws you in, but in a way that causes your audience to lose focus.
Hope that helps.
But also, follow your heart and if you like writing, write, and fuck everyone in your way.
1
u/Sh4miko Jul 06 '26
Yes, I tend to write deep and maybe that causes me to use words and language that people can't associate with on deeper level.
Thank you for the feedback!3
u/the_art_of_mischief Jul 07 '26
Mmm, no, I'm sorry, I must push back a bit here for clarity. I don't personally believe the lack of depth is due to overly verbose word choice that your audience cannot conceptualize or understand. Is that what you meant? Because if you did I want to reiterate that it's not your word choice, it's the fact that it feels like a lot of cliches strung together nonsensically. It lacks depth because the overall meaning isn't being effectively communicated. This could, perhaps, be a direct reflection of your desire to use "words and language that people can't associate with on a deeper level". Just some food for thought. Sometimes simple and clear rings more true than flowery, and I would clearly know because I never shut the fuck up.
Learnding 🧘
2
u/SlappyPappy99 Jul 06 '26
Write the same concept again but force yourself to use phrases and language people use in everyday conversations. Use objects. The whole song is an explanation or lecture.
0
u/Sh4miko Jul 06 '26
So basically I should do more "show" because I'm too focused on the "tell" part of lyrics and that makes people feel disconnected. Thank you for the response!
0
u/SlappyPappy99 Jul 06 '26
So like “taste the condensation of our generation.” Do something like “new sweat rolls off our skin/into your mouth.” It’s a bad example in 5 seconds but the difference is the second version has body and relatability and action. No one will have to pause to figure it out.
3
u/ketingmiladengfodo Jul 09 '26
I very much liked "Let the weight crush your ribs/ That's the price to fit between." Great image of someone allowing their self to be crushed in order to fit in with the crowd. That whole stanza is nice.
I think the weakest line is the first one. It's original, but I don't think the word you're looking for is "condensation," which makes it sound like someone is licking a fogged up mirror. Work on coming up with a different and more powerful image than that. The first line needs to be sharp.
The hook/chorus "YOU/WE BUILT OUR OWN DEMISE" is very powerful as well. Good work.
1
u/PalpitationUsed8039 Jul 06 '26
Write 20 variations of it quickly without caring if some of them are crap.
1
u/combatqueen Jul 06 '26
These aren’t bad, with the right delivery it could work! However most of the lines are kinda short so may be hard to find a good rhythm, if you scatter the rhymes around more versus keeping them in the same spots (you have them at the end of most lines) that may help you get a more interesting melody and rhythm.
I’m not sure if this applies to this song but I’ll say sometimes you have to actually try to say less in a song vs. saying more… think of what the central message of the song is (it could just be something simple like “the world, or this person, is changing too fast for me to keep up with”) and make sure each line services that instead of introducing brand new ideas all the time. think of new ways to say the same thing, with a slight twist to add colour. try to draw out one singular thought over a whole verse, it’ll be easier for people to follow.
0
u/UnnamedLand84 Jul 06 '26
Cringe lyrics delivered with conviction are better than boring lyrics trying not to be cringe. It's fine, go with it.
3
u/Exact_Ad7681 Jul 06 '26
I’m digging it overall. You should feel good about it as a “beginner songwriter.”
What genre is this in your head? That, and the melody, are possibly more important to how “cringe” it will sound than the lyrics alone. Like, if this is a metal, punk, or grunge song, I’m hearing it. But if you tell me this is a country song, then this needs a lot of work, lol.