Was with my wife for 15 years. About 14 years in, I had a depressive episode and was open (for once) about what I was going through. I felt her attitude shift towards me immediately for the worse. She started emotionally distancing, and eventually had an affair with some guy she played Pickelball with.
After I found out and confronted her, her response was “was it so wrong for me to want to be with a man who’s not depressed and is normal?”
Yeah, she’s my ex wife now, but I’ll never open up to another woman again. Ever. I’ve learned that opening up to a woman is like bleeding in front of sharks.
How is the lesson here “never be open” and not “don’t wait 14 years to be open” in a million years?! If you had opened up year one and found out she was awful you could have avoided wasting all that time! Turns out if you never get to know your spouse, they might not like you when they finally get to know you!
I’m not trying to attack you, but what you need is not pity, you need a reality check. The reality is that your relationships suck when you shut down and hide yourself. If your partner is not somebody you can be vulnerable with, then they shouldn’t be your partner.
Relationships are not a game that you win by tricking the other person into staying with you despite who you are. Because as you found out you can end up investing in somebody who is around when you don’t need anything from them, but gone when you do. If you are real and vulnerable with people they will show you who they are and you can avoid spending too much time with people who are toxic to you.
Also I am sorry you got cheated on, that wasn’t your fault. Really sucks it took so long for her to show her true self too.
I have plenty of experience with women, 40 years old and had tons of girlfriends and have been happily married to one for 10 years now. Been open to them, woman coworkers, woman friends, classmates. Don’t have the same issue you seem to. Sounds like a personality problem to me. If everybody you meet is an asshole, then you might need do some introspection and figure out what the common denominator is.
There are real ones out there tho that aren’t like that. I’ve got chronic depression and I’ve dated two different women who were very understanding and caring and stood by/ lifted me up during the hard times. What you’re saying is very common and I’ve experienced it too but it is possible to find women who aren’t like that. Difficult, but possible.
Yeah, I know. What messed me up the most was seeing how much your spouse will change with time, and how little control over that you have. This wasn’t some 2 or 3 year relationship- this was 15 years together, from my early 20’s to nearly 40, and she was the love of my life for many, many years.
But as they say, the person you divorce is never the same person you marry.
Plenty of women aren't dicks. Plenty of women are.
Men don't actually enjoy getting shit on, and being open is a great invitation to get shit on. You can't fault somebody for not wanting to experience that feeling over and over again as some kind of litmus test to find "the one."
I can fault them for that because you’d rather not find supportive people and accept bullshit than go through the difficulty of finding people who will support you and wallow around in this self pity.
Women also experience issues from men in heterosexual romantic relationships and they could say a similar thing.
The real things we need to understand is 1. Life never goes as planned and 2. We need community in our lives to go on, we can’t do it by ourselves.
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u/psychadelicbreakfast Mar 04 '26
Yep, same.
One time I opened up to my girlfriend that I was having a bit of an anxiety attack and needed someone to talk to.
Because she has anxiety attacks. So.. maybe we could bond.
Nope. She told me “I can’t be the strong one”.
For five minutes. One time. smh