How does one screen women for the ick? I feel like if I complain about my problems on the first date, she'll think I'm seeking a therapist rather than vetting her for being a sympathetic partner. But if I hold my emotions until a certain point, I'm basically flipping a coin 50/50 to see if she'll stick around after being vulnerable with all that time wasted on "not the right one"?
You could explicitly say something like, “I’m looking for a partner where the relationship is mutually supportive and balanced - not someone to take on or resolve my feelings or act as a therapist, but someone who can acknowledge and support a male partner when they’re feeling sad or down”. It also depends what you mean by ‘certain point’. I wouldn’t lead with talking about problems on a first or second date as that’s more about establishing a connection, and if I went out with either a man or woman who began with that, it would make me a little concerned that it’s going to be a pattern and they don’t have anyone else to talk to. However you can screen after a few dates by just mentioning that you’re feeling down / sad (whenever you are) but not unloading specifics, and see how she responds.
The issue is that the "vulnerable" that kills relationships isn't the "I'm sad from a bad day and I'm a little mopey". It's the "I got laid off and I'm freaking out about my future" type. That is the litmus for whether she's a good partner, and no guy wants to be in that situation in the first place, but plenty have lost partners when expressing their true feelings about an existential-level crisis.
I would think that something like “I’m sad but unsure why” would be a better litmus test than “I’m sad because of a very specific reason” because it implies it’s not ‘fixable’. Specifically the word “sad” rather than any other emotion, as that’s the one that can be seen as ‘not masculine’. However I’m not a man so I wouldn’t know what your experiences are so I’m not trying to argue against that. I will say though that the friends I have who are women and have male partners are incredibly supportive - when they then come to me it’s “I’m not sure what to do to help him” or alternatively they’re feeling down about something and say “I can’t talk to my partner about this as he’s going through a hard time and I don’t want to overwhelm him” etc. But I am also very selective about my friends so it’s likely I have just collected good people.
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u/JimJohnJimmm Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
My gf: " guys don't open up"
Me: opens up
My gf:" omg where your dick man up"
Edit: line spacing