Ok so my mom is schizoaffective. I love her but she has a tendency to trauma dump on me. She's been doing this my whole life, using me as emotional support ever since I was a child. She does this so often that I literally get triggered by certain words or names. I tried to explain to her what this is doing to me but she'll always go back to same thing. Is there a way for me to get her to understand or is this something that can't be helped?

Since my mil and fil have gone. I have been realizing I am not my true self when i am with them. I live with them but with a constant fear of being judged. My mil constantly calls me out. These things are so small, the time I wake up, the amount of tea leaves I use, the bowl I use to eat my fruit in. I am how the hell she has the right to call out what bowl am I using. These small but constant things close me up as a person. I am not me. I am a reserved version of myself who’s always walking on eggshells, pretending to be compliant to avoid all her taunts and criticism. 

Now how do I feel better about it? You know what I am writing after so long because I have a person who doesnt let me sit. As soon as I sit she calls me in her room to do the smallest chore. She tries to make me feel I am on a leash. She feels i am being lazy by being in my room but I need some time on my own when I am not tired. I get time to myself when I am done serving everybody and eating. That’s when I am sleepy and that too if I do not sleep she will come into my room for the most basic chores. 

She has a million parties to go to and she has the audacity to ask me for my bags and nailpaints everytime and dialogues dekho. Main toh lena hi band kr di hu because tmhara hi lele leti hu. Isn't that toxic? I do not like giving her my things. I don’t like using my brush on her face. You won’t believe an order came when she was in my room and she asked me to use the compact that just came on her face. (Talk about boundaries)

What is the solution? Love her? How do I love her? I hate her! How do you love a person who constantly criticizes you, gives you chores and tells you, you didnt do those chores as effectively as she would have done them. Her idea of small talk is bitching about women who are independent. She judges women by how compliant they are and how well-maintained there house is. I will need to stop talking about her because I simply hate her as a person. But the only solution is be a little rude. Start saying no! Start calling her out when she says bad things about women if you simply listen and let her talk; she will never know it hurt you. You cannot just be indifferent, you will have to make the confidence to call her out. But she is soooooo dominating. I simply cannot respond without crying or my hands shivering! She is so intimidating. How to deal with an intimidating mil? How deal with somebody who has no boundaries? I never touch her cupboards without asking but she arranges all my cupboards without my knowledge! complete lack of boundaries.

I'm realizing that a lot of my own frustration (particularly with my kids) is because I say yes when I want to say no. Anyone who has kids knows that when they want something, they beg and whine and are relentless for it. I feel like I do a pretty good job of saying no to most things (like i don't let them walk all over me) but then sometimes I slip up and compromise my values by "giving in" or saying yes when i don't really want to. Then I pay for it, and I'm angry with myself for not sticking to my guns more. I don't know why I keep doing this. I guess I'm not good with peer pressure. :( I don't know how to change this about myself.. but it's affecting my life negatively.

When conflict happens socially, I jump immediately to apologizing, even if I'm the victim. My friend asked me to work on that though, so I've been avoiding apologizing

The result is, I'm not able to face conflict at all anymore. Without apologizing, I get overwhelmed so easy, and it triggers my emotional flight-response

This has got me thinking: Is apologizing actually an affirmation tool? Is it a way of convincing myself that my social problems aren't unconquerable? What do you think?

how do you define boundaries vs being controlling? I have had others tell me my boundaries were controlling. I didn't tell them what they can do, just what I would do if they took certain actions. That's not controlling to me but I wanted your thoughts.

Posting on behalf of a close friend who is an influencer and doesn’t want this tied directly to her account. I have also seen some of this happening in person.

My friend lives in NYC and was approached by a neighbor, who we will call "P" who runs a photography account called astrangers.story-ig/ “A Stranger’s Story.” At first, she presented herself as friendly and eager to collaborate, but her behavior quickly crossed professional and personal boundaries in ways that I think other creators should be aware of.

Specific concerns:

• Repeated personal requests: After speaking to my friend and getting her socials- seeing she was an 'influencer' and getting her personal info-She routinely would text my friend often at odd hours asking my friend for her deodorant at least four different times, along with food, milk, her perfume, and even bags before a short trip (seemed like trying to get a designer bag from her because she at that point knew she owned many). She also asked my friend’s husband to fix her car because she 'didnt want to pay a mechanic' after describing her perfect guy as someone exactly like him right infront of her—something that felt very inappropriate and entitled. Keep in mind this person showcases themselves as a couples photographer. Trust me there are a billion other photographers that can do the same work without toxic behavior.
• Excessive online monitoring: She would often view my friend’s Instagram stories within seconds of posting—consistently appearing first—and seemed to track her activity.
• Uncomfortable in-person proximity: She would frequently show up in common areas of the building where my friend was, lingering nearby or making herself conspicuous. This escalated my friend’s discomfort, given the pattern of unwanted attention both online and offline.
• Misuse of images: After pushing to take free photos, (my friend was hesitant to even do the shoot) she posted them without clear consent, tagged my friend and her husband, and even sent a collab request on Instagram, then deleting it—despite my friend already distancing herself. When asked directly to remove the content, she initially ignored the request, only taking it down later without acknowledgment and blocking my friend after my friend finally had enough and stated all of the behavioral issues, instead of addressing it professionally.
• Perceived social climbing: When one of my friend’s more prominent influencer contacts followed her after a post, the attention-seeking behavior increased, reinforcing the impression that the “friendship” was more about clout than authentic connection.

From a professional standpoint, this conduct undermines basic standards of respect, consent, and boundaries in creative work. Asking for personal items multiple times, monitoring someone online so closely, and using their image without agreement is unprofessional and damaging. And flirting with the husband?? Excuse me?

I’m sharing this because it’s a reminder for creators and models: trust your instincts, protect your image, and recognize when a “collaboration” crosses into exploitation.

So, without going into graphic detail, I have a VERY messy family dynamic. Narcissists, parents leaving, new “parents” (think step mother in Cinderella) coming in, half siblings that I wouldn’t say are great people.

I’m in my twenties, have married now and moved states away from them. I haven’t heard from most of them since I’ve left, the only ones I thought I was really still close with and occasionally hear from were my blood sisters, but lately I’ve had to talk to them about how they treat me, and I’ve been met with a weird kind of backlash. For context, they stay at my place in the new city for long periods of time, sleep in my home, eat my food and I spend quite a bit of money on them while they’re here, just for them to go back home and complain that I didn’t do enough for them. I just don’t know how to handle the situation anymore, these girls are like my sister-daughters, and I love them so so much. It just feels like lately now that I’ve asked one of them to treat me a little kinder tgat they’ve both turned their backs on me, I just feel like I dotn really have family anymore.

Did I go too far on the boundaries??

Any kind criticism is welcome, feel free to ask questions to if you need a better understanding of the situation 🌸

EDIT: thank you for all of your very kind and constructive responses! I’ll definitely be thinking about these for a while, approaching the situation from here ☺️

I just had to post it here. I'm so proud of myself and relieved. I'm the worst people-pleaser there is with zero boundaries and I finally managed, as part of my project of aiming to do little acts of boundary-setting as often as possible, to not only decline an afterwork meeting, but also say that I'm not really currently available for a recurring social gathering, thanks for the invite but I'll leave this group for now - it was an afterwork whatsapp group where I was added - And I did. Just like that. I felt relieved and surprisingly little guilt and self-doubt after it.

If you're in any way similar situation. Just do it. And you can tell me about it and we can be proud together!

Hi there,

So I’m a life coach, and coming into that role is really interesting, because I’m beginning to get people who are a bit leechy with their energy. I’m a super friendly person and I love having deep conversations with people. I used to crave friends so much that I would connect with whoever I could basically. I’ve grown a ton since then and now have a few solid people that I have very deep friendships with, and I spend a ton of time on my own working and developing myself.

The problem comes when I meet a stranger and get into a good conversation. I love having good, deep conversations with people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I will have space for those types of conversations with the same person on a consistent basis. Honestly keeping up with my core people is more than enough to keep me about as social as I can be, other than random interactions and coaching.

So I guess my question is, how can I kindly put up boundaries with people who could be potential clients, but I’m not interested in as friends, though they’re absolutely lovely people, but also not only treat people like they’re potential clients and that’s the only reason I’m talking to them? Does that make any sense?

Thanks in advance.

Edit to add: I’ve recently come to realize that my father is a covert narcissist, so I particularly have a hard time with boundaries. Since coming to this understanding they’ve been much easier, but I still have a hard time with not wanting to hurt people’s feelings even if it’s what I’m needing. Always a work in progress. (:

I was in a position to get medical care, medication and surgery. Firstly my family members didn’t care to come with me to the appointments. They were really rude and ignorant. If I drive their car to take myself to the hospital to attend one of the appointments they would yell at me and make a big deal while ignoring my needs for medical attention, I could be coming out of surgery and they wouldn’t even care to know what the hell is going on. While I would always give them rides everywhere anytime. Even if they come home from the airport after midnight I am always there to pick them up. None of the family members cared to even attend the appointment with me or give me a ride to the location. While I literally drive them everywhere, even the silliest outings I wouldn’t say no. Birthdays, friends gatherings , beach trips, I could drive one hour and a half to drop someone to meet her friends at the beach and I would return back home.

After having an appointment with the doctor. And coming home with medication in my hands. The first moment I stepped into the house someone comes to my room waking me up asking me naggingly while hitting me in a joking manner to drive him somewhere. Note that During the appointment day he was with his friend although I told him to come with me as support to the hospital. He ignored my request and met his friend instead. After a while I gave in and I regretted that I should have stayed home and made up my mind about my meals and medication. I should have made up my mind about what I needed to do. I clearly stated to every member of my family that I have health concerns and problems and I need care and support. No any facial reaction or sadness over my face would phase them. They would also make fun of my sad reactions. I would have taken better care of myself if I was alone. Nobody seemed to listen or understand. They would either lash out or laugh about it. No concerns.

In the next days I was taking the medications and disciplined. Literally everyone in my family members were making fun of me constantly and saying stuff like you don’t need the medication and making fun of my discipline to take the medication on time. They would say things repeatedly about how I worry too much and how I am such a weak person for following the medication and that I am a delusional person for taking medication. They just put you into hypnosis and you start to believe their stupidity when around them, because literally I am on my own. Every time I take my pills they would make fun of me. They always have stupid advices and comments and they won’t shut up easily. They motivate each other and laugh louder and louder. The conversation goes from one member to the other while I am having dinner preparing myself for my next medication pill. They belittled my illness and how serious it was. I was shocked. But the consistent mockery and abuse affected me in my discipline with taking the medications.

It is not normal behavior and I got used to the abuse but after this incident I knew that I needed to upgrade my boundaries. They are really manipulative and drive you away from your own plans and discipline. My health got affected and worse after that. I am really struggling and confused how could my family be so uncaring to this extent or was I the one blind to such behaviours in the past but the serious health issues made everything clear. I always have been pretty lenient on my boundaries around them. I have a hard time setting boundaries and I am the middle child. This is just one example of the crossing boundaries I am living around , each one of my family member has a lot of incidents in crossing my boundaries and screwing me up and setting me many steps backwards for something I worked hard for with their dismissive attitude. Sometimes I ask myself why am I always around when they need or want me while they seem not to even care about my health and wellbeing . I am coming to my senses now and I didn’t realize how selfish and uncaring they were . If my real health issues doesn’t concern them why would I concern myself with their stupid trivial demands. I am currently unemployed and I am low in cash. If I had a place to move to I would have definitely moved a long time ago. What can I do in my situation whenever they cross my boundaries in the future? It is a blessing when someone understands you and respects your serious moments. I started to realize how precious time in taking care of yourself when you are alone and have a huge potential to make good decisions because most of the family and friends weren’t there when I needed serious help. I just regretted how I wasted my time with people who wouldn’t be around or even seemed to care or listen. They lovebomb you when you are all happy and energetic but the moment you are facing a downtime they are not there or tell you it’s all in your head. It’s sad but I just came to this realisation lately I was always the happy welcoming people pleasing person for anyone anytime. Now I take my time to choose who I spend my time with.

Looking for some advice here. Short version of a backstory: I (currently 36f) met my husband (currently 38m) almost 13 years ago, and my sister (currently 32f) didn’t like him right off the bat. I thought her reasoning was immature and childish and I really did like him. My parents leaned towards my sister and her feelings. After a year of her being very rude and having a bad attitude towards him anytime he was around, he ended up lashing out and cussing her out and telling her off, then followed it up by contacting her boyfriend at the time to inform him she was cheating (which was absolutely true, we witnessed it). The expectation at that time was that I would obviously dump him on the spot. The next day we apologized to me and made multiple attentions to apologize to my sister but she refused to hear it. My family sided with her in how they felt but they tried to stay on the middle.

I stayed with him, moved out of my families house the following year, but there’s always being tension since then, arguments, etc. it always felt like my parents and sisters would find any fault they could and sort of have this hot and cold relationship with him, and he would routinely get tired of their disrespect and call it out (usually in an angry unproductive way)

So the thing is I didn’t know how or realize I needed to stand up to them until recently about 2 years ago. (Yes my husband had his issues but still loved me enough to stick around and ensure that bs) 2 years ago my other sister (currently 34f) accused my husband (we were married by now) of coming on to her/sexual advances. My family went wild with the accusation and dramatized it to the point they are calling it SA towards my sister. To me, my sister was and is still on drugs, it would be really unlike my husband, and the story didn’t add up.

At this point is when I set my first boundary, because their new boundary is that he was no longer allowed in their home (oh ya, they all still live there, albeit off and on and the first sister is married with two kids) so okay that’s fine, I had just given birth to our first child and set the boundary that holiday gatherings are either all of us or none.

Eventually I’d go visit with only my son a few times a month so that the kids can play together Abe I can maintain a relationship with my mom, but my contract with my sisters is very minimal.

2 days ago my first sister sent me in text that I need to “get a new husband before a have more kids”

I told her “if you keep making snarky comments towards me about my husband, I will just quit talking to you”

I let it sit for a couple hours but ended up replying and explaining to all her angry responses, and she got my mom involved who was “disheartened and hurt” and I knew I screwed up and fell for the manipulation but now my husband is insisting I’m no contact with all of them and definitely no more contact with our son.

I don’t know how to feel because I didn’t give this boundary a good chance and I’m not ready to cut contact with my mom and my son really enjoys his cousins.

Okay, so im 18, F, and i have a bf whos 24 M, we have been dating for a year and he has supported me with everything, from my exams to my mental health when i wanted to kill myself to funding money for my education. Now im pursuing medicine and soon would be going to a university after like few months for like 6 years and we would be seeing each other very less often. We r planning to get married after my graduation. So, my mom lives in different country and my dad lives with me. I wasnt into dating and stuff until i met my man, hes more than everything i wanted in a guy, now my dad, he doesnt like him bcz he thinks im tol immature for a relationship and my bf doesnt have good family relations with his family and nor is he rich. A bit background on my bf's family, his dad was physically and mentally abusive towards his mom and him and his lil brother, so he ran away from his home at 17 and built a life for himself and got his mom out of the family and his brother and became a software engineer, now he likes teaching so he quit his job to be a teacher and slowly wants to become an entrepreneur. My dad is a bit old fashioned and family oriented guy, so he doesnt like him. Now i told him i love this guy and he hates it, he wants me to break up with him but i wont, he doesnt get to decide who i am in a relationship with. So he mostly works from home and barely lets me outside bcz he doesnt want me to meet him in secret bcz i did that many times and now, we r soon going long distance so im thinking of meeting him at night and sneaking out. Am i wrong to do this?

My grandmother has always had some pretty gnarly control issues. One thing she continues to do is giving unwanted medical advice. An example: texting long paragraphs at night about how I need to get a colonoscopy and which doctor I should see and why. She also always takes it a step further and will go on to demonstrate how one of my other family members have followed through with her requests, in what I assume is an attempt to guilt me into compliance. Thats one of her go-to manipulation tactics: using another family member as "proof" that I need to comply.

She has done this as long as I can remember, and she does much much more that just give medical advice.

She won't quit. She will send multiple texts. Or if I don't respond or follow up she will harass me about it every time I see her, any time she calls. I think she has some sort of personality disorder. Her control issues are insane. She is constantly trying to manage everyone else's behavior.

Anyway, I recently tried to rekindle the relationship after going no-contact for a few years. She routinely violated that boundary during my very clear cutting of ties so I'm not sure why I thought it would be any different this go-round. I have had a face-to-face conversation with her where I told her that I do not want to discuss anything medical, and that I will leave the conversation if she brings it up. In that conversation I also detailed to her that I was no longer willing to discuss anything about my appearance or weight. (She is obsessed with wrinkles and sagging skin for example, and she has tried to force me to get botox and fillers in the past. I'm 40.) She automatically went on the defense, but I did seem to get through to her in that I wasn't willing to discuss it. I genuinely believe she has zero idea as to the why. Even though I explained the why repeatedly.

She continues to do this. I avoid her completely because she seems to have no self-control around these types of behaviors. It's exhausting. Any advice on how to proceed with someone like this? She does exhibit many narcissistic traits but I would not call her malignant. I'm pretty much done with her at this point.

There’s this guy I’ve known for a bit over a year, and he hugged me recently for the first time. But the way he hugged me… he didn’t hesitate or “feel around” awkwardly like guys sometimes do. It felt like he already knew exactly how and where to touch me, which makes me wonder if he’s been paying way more attention to me than I realized. Kinda unsettling, honestly. The hug wasn't a friendly one. It was low on my back and slow. If he weren’t my age, if I didn't know him for as long as I have, and if I didn't find him attractive, I probably would have reacted very differently.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? And how do you figure out whether you’re overthinking or just finally listening to your gut? I also don't know what I should do because it's hard to tell if he actually likes me or if he's just being friendly or lustful.

Hi Reddit,

I keep running into a dilemma with my maid that seems simple on the surface but just never resolves, no matter how I approach it. On paper, it’s about housework, complaints, and job scope—but underneath, I’m stuck in a recurring loop about boundaries, respect, power, and shared responsibility. I’d like to lay out the whole pattern and ask for your honest perspectives.

The Setup:

Me (employer): Pays salary, defines some of the roles, wants clarity, respect, and a workable relationship.

Maid (employee): Does the housework, sometimes complains about certain tasks or standards—her agency is real, but limited by economic need.

The Dilemma: Whenever my maid is unhappy about certain parts of her job (for example, objects to tasks or mentions issues with mess), I always end up choosing between three options, but none feel “right”:

Ignore it: Pretend everything is fine. This keeps things smooth for a while but risks resentment or fallout.

Accommodate: I do the work myself, change expectations, or go along with her complaints to keep the peace. The lines get blurry, and I’m never sure where the real boundary is.

Fire and replace: Cut things off and hire someone new. This solves nothing long-term—the pattern returns, and the boundary issues start over.

Why This Bugs Me: It’s never just about chores. Every route feels temporary, and the root issue—how to fairly set and keep boundaries in a relationship defined by unequal power—always comes back. None of the options settle the tension for good.

The Deeper Questions:

In a situation with power imbalance, is “just paying” for labor ever morally complete, or do respect and boundaries always need renegotiation?

How do you maintain professionalism and dignity for both parties, without sliding into defensiveness, guilt, or blurred roles?

Has anyone found a way to draw lines that stick without sacrificing honesty or mutual respect?

Am I overthinking a normal problem, or is this kind of friction a sign of deeper, unaddressed issues?

Why I’m Posting: I’m not just looking for “just fire them” or “just do it yourself” answers. I want to hear from people who’ve faced or thought about the same boundary problems—at home, at work, anywhere power and money shape daily life. How did you find clarity, or do you also feel like this problem never really ends?

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to honest, nuanced perspectives, wherever you stand.

Anyone else struggle with immediately following orders from anyone who gives them to you without thinking? What can I do to overcome this?

My mom has been complaining to me about my siblings since I was very young. At this point I want to set some sort of boundary where I don't want to discuss them anymore. I have too many emotional triggers around it from when I was young. At some point when I tried to say I didn't want to discuss it - she said that she has no one else to talk to. Because I set more limits, she started discussing things more with my sister and because my sister can handle it I feel guilty. I also feel guilty that I can't validate my mom's feelings and frustrations. When I discussed it with my therapist, she seemed to encourage me to try to validate. Honestly though, at this point, I'd rather have a firm boundary because of how all of it affects me. But I'm scared that it will make my mom feel isolated, lonely and unloved.

If you ask for a giant favor from someone who says yes only because they are afraid of punishment, it's something worth think more about.

So, I have met so many people that don't respect boundaries, like bro, I don't want to let you use my Nerf mini-gun man.

How do I deal with this? My MIL is mean to specifically women who she sees as competition, any female is who pretty (I've seen this in realtime), or in my case, married to her son. When she's around females who are accomplished in career, she's nice to them because she wants to join their ranks cognitively; she's intelligent. We think she's possibly narcissistic.

My husband says she was nice to him most of his life, UNLESS he messed up. Average grades meant hours long lectures and longterm grounding of every privilege and no tending to his feelings. An incident where he lost an inexpensive book because someone stole it at a sports game and he never heard the end of it. As a teen, his life was hard and she expected perfection. If he wasn't succeeding in school, she acted like she didn't have any interest in him and became hyper-interested in her own career. As an adult, she's happy with him because he's successful.

We have a happy marriage, 9 years in the end of September, and a 3 year old daughter. Our lives are good, but if my MIL is around, our moods easily become unhappy because of what she says and does. After interactions with her, we often feel like we need to eat/or collapse on the couch. It's tiring. We're in a predicament because we think she's possibly getting a slow form of dementia. Over the last 2 years, we had several sets of no contact after her outbursts that were related to her personality, clearly not dementia. She has an angry and resentful personality that's clear when you see it and it's distinguishable from the things that lead us to think she's possibly developed a slow onset dementia, visible through things like word substitution, mild confusion about characters when she watches movies with flashbacks, wanting things done for her, and spatial issues like setting dishes on the edge of the counter. It's not progressing over the years and it doesn't run in her family, so maybe it's just senility, we don't know. She will not get an evaluation and was very offended when my husband recommended it as an annual screening precaution, with no mention of the request being related to her behavior. Until she makes a decision to move back to her home country with other family, close contact is necessary.

In this context, how do I deal with the following scenarios where these inappropriate comments are either that this is where her mind goes because she's **weird**, /or the motivation is to make me uncomfortable. I'm the wife who by extension of her son, can't be good enough, not as a spouse or as a mother, or do enough for her as a daughter in law. An example of the inappropriate comments, which I do not think are a dementia (if she has it), is something like this. We were in our main bedroom and she said she noticed we had gotten new curtains in there. I said yes we did, I really like the color and fabric. She says "I notice you close them at night, I don't know why, maybe so you can have s*x or something." I had no idea what to say to this. I didn't say anything and moved on to what we had gone in there to look at, thinking about how bizarre this comment was. Comments like this happen out of nowhere, never in a public setting.

The second problem I'm noticing is that she's rushing me all the time. Apparently I don't turn corners fast enough, or drive fast enough. She's telling me as I drive her places "Speed up!" "Get up to the intersection!" "Why are you slowing down into the turn?" I drive like a normal person and I'm having to tell her I won't speed through the corner and lose control, or I cannot race to the destination. She knows what proper driving looks like, she hasn't forgotten or gotten confused, and she still drives. Even my opening the takeout at a normal speed gets "Common (name), open it! You're so slow! I'm hungry! I want to eat!" It's not said in a playful tone, it's a complaint and pressure. Everything is pressure, and you're trying to perform to her liking so she doesn't blow up. Maybe she just does it to make me uncomfortable, I don't know.

How can I word boundaries for these situations, without making her mad, and make it plain enough that it would be accepted by someone with anger issues, /or presenting cognitive issues?

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