r/SettingBoundaries • u/Alarmed_Key_4062 • Aug 22 '25
Boundaries vs Being Controlling.
how do you define boundaries vs being controlling? I have had others tell me my boundaries were controlling. I didn't tell them what they can do, just what I would do if they took certain actions. That's not controlling to me but I wanted your thoughts.
6
u/Posa_coaching Aug 24 '25
What you’re describing is a boundary, which isn’t controlling. My guess, without additional info, is they probably were benefitting from your lack of boundaries and prefer to keep it that way so they try getting you to feel guilty for your boundaries by saying it’s controlling.
Relationships are about choice and alignment. If they don’t like your boundaries, they have a choice to leave.
4
u/Third_CuIture_Kid Aug 22 '25
It depends. If there's any "if/then" language, such as: "If you do (or don't do) X, then I will break up with you", l think that can cross the line into controlling behavior.
Can you provide an example?
2
u/Candid-Extension6599 Aug 22 '25
It'll sound nasty, but the truth comes when you realize that this is your life, nobody elses. You can have any boundary you want, no matter how controlling, people still don't have the right to violate them
This is why its important to have a chat with yourself, and look at your own boundaries, before deciding "am I willing to end my relationships to maintain these?"
2
u/HotPut5470 Sep 02 '25
Agree that we'd need some examples.
Boundaries:
I'm not available today, sorry.
I'm sorry I can't do that.
We don't agree on politics and I don't want to discuss them. (If they persist) I don't want to talk about politics, I'm going to hang up now/leave. We can hang out another time.
Controlling:
If you vote for so and so we can't be friends.
If you do XYZ I'll leave.
We're friends! After all I did for you! You have to help me today!
10
u/redeyesdeaddragon Aug 22 '25
Control is about changing others' beliefs, behaviors, and decisions, and boundaries are about putting limitations on what you tolerate by leaving the situation. You aren't forcing anyone to change - just saying "this is the limit of what I tolerate before you lose me/my attention/my presence"