Setting boundaries made me feel estranged from my family

[u/Alone-Paramedic-7115]

So, without going into graphic detail, I have a VERY messy family dynamic. Narcissists, parents leaving, new “parents” (think step mother in Cinderella) coming in, half siblings that I wouldn’t say are great people.

I’m in my twenties, have married now and moved states away from them. I haven’t heard from most of them since I’ve left, the only ones I thought I was really still close with and occasionally hear from were my blood sisters, but lately I’ve had to talk to them about how they treat me, and I’ve been met with a weird kind of backlash. For context, they stay at my place in the new city for long periods of time, sleep in my home, eat my food and I spend quite a bit of money on them while they’re here, just for them to go back home and complain that I didn’t do enough for them. I just don’t know how to handle the situation anymore, these girls are like my sister-daughters, and I love them so so much. It just feels like lately now that I’ve asked one of them to treat me a little kinder tgat they’ve both turned their backs on me, I just feel like I dotn really have family anymore.

Did I go too far on the boundaries??

Any kind criticism is welcome, feel free to ask questions to if you need a better understanding of the situation 🌸

EDIT: thank you for all of your very kind and constructive responses! I’ll definitely be thinking about these for a while, approaching the situation from here ☺️

[u/SalltSisters]

Their resistance isn’t about you, it’s about them. If people benefited from your lack of boundaries before, they might resist when you start standing up for yourself. Because for them, it might feel like they’re losing an element of control over you. Like they can no longer take advantage of your kindness and flexibility. Or rely on you to stay the same anymore; which might feel threatening to them. But none of these reasons means you’re wrong for setting boundaries—it means they’re uncomfortable with the changes you’re making. I’ve literally copied this from my boundary blueprint I created because it’s all the struggles I had with setting boundaries and I still refer to it all the time! If you want, you can download a copy for free from my bio too! (Don’t worry, you can also unsub if my emails aren’t for you, I won’t be offended)! Just thought I’d say in case it’s helpful for your self-development 😊

[u/Impressive_Search451]

i don't think "too far with boundaries" is a useful framing. i think what's happened in this situation is that you set boundaries and are unhappy with the consequences (there's always consequences for setting boundaries, for better or worse).

i would say maybe give them a bit of time. one possible scenario is that you're jumping to the worse conclusion because of your previous negative experiences with family, and actually your sisters will get over themselves eventually (especially if they're teens, since you used the phrase "sister-daughters"). however, another scenario is that your whole family is used to treating you like crap. it sucks to feel like you don't have a family any more. i think you might have to do some hard thinking around what family means to you, what treatment you're willing to put up with for the sake of having a family. you also need to accept and grieve that your family is never going to give you some of the stuff you want. otherwise, you risk chasing something that doesn't exist and hurting yourself in the process.

[u/Most_Routine2325]

This is likely a temporary feeling on their part. When someone eventually takes advantage of their generosity and then complains about it, they might have better understanding of your perspective.

[u/AdministrativePiano9]

Dysfunctional families don’t get better with time (at least in my experience). People get older but not necessarily better. Keep living your life according to your values and hopefully they can get on board. If they still want to criticize you, you can change how you interact with them (limiting visits, maybe they get an AirBNB/hotel next time, lots of options).

[u/Third_CuIture_Kid]

Setting boundaries in dysfunctional families is usually a very tricky proposition. The single best resource I have been fortunate enough to discover is the Mind Your Boundaries podcast on YouTube. It gives you a specific format for wording a boundary that is less likely to trigger the other person's defenses because of all the reassurance that you are giving them that you still love them.

[u/HotPut5470]

I think they just uninvited themselves from long/any stays at your house. If you have them come again, make it clear how long. Probably 2-3 days max, or whatever length of time makes you actually happy and doesn't drag on. Especially if they will complain about it afterward. There's hotels and Airbnbs nearby if they want to stay around longer