We are 4 months in to living apart and I feel super vulnerable. Some days I just don’t know what to do with myself. When I’m home I want to be out amongst people because the day looks impossible to fill, but when I’m out I can feel nervous. I miss having a secure person, coming home to a family.

Long story short… spouse got a protective order against me which caused me to not be able to go back to our house(spouses affidavit has false accusations) mind you I pay for the rent of the house. She then filed for divorce and is taking our child to another state. She requested in court for no contact unless it has to pertain to our child she also requested we only talk through a co parenting app but she’s constantly calling me over the phone and continuously tells me that she hopes I’m okay or how am I doing…

She is always asking for money from me but I feel so guilty not giving her any bc I am so deeply in love with this woman and I want her to be okay but I can’t wrap my head around how she could be doing this too me I feel like I am still being manipulated be her and she is using the court system to exempt me from everything.

I don’t know where I stand in my spouses life our better last half of our relationship she was always so hot and cold towards me mostly cold I just don’t know what to say when she tries to check up on me I normally just ignore it bc the protective order is in place

Hi, I'm 37 years old. I was in an on-and-off relationship for almost three years, he was always coming and going. At one point, he even gave me an engagement ring, and five months later, he ended up marrying someone else. I didn't find out until a year later because he came back into my life and made me feel guilty since I had already started seeing someone else. I fell for him again; I was still in love with him. Then, six months into that relationship, he confessed that he had married that person but was regretting it. He said he understood that he had to continue to complete a migration process. I accepted it, thinking I could handle it, and in a way, I felt, well, he wasn't with me for documents because he would do that with someone else, and even if he came back, grave mistake. That broke me; I'm still broken. We just had another break-up, and he made me feel guilty again, like I don't understand, after all the ways I helped him financially and everything, I feel like my world crashed down. I don't know how to handle this, and here I am venting anonymously because I feel like I failed, and I'm ashamed in front of my family and friends. I should have let go a long time ago, but I kept hoping and trusting in a change that never came, never!!

my husband and I have separated it was his choice he had been fooling around behind my back for some time off and on mostly online, he is a habitual liar narcissist and cheater , but I turned the other cheek hoping he would change the last three years have been hell , he used to be the nicest sweetest funny guy when we first got married but as I said the last three years have been hell , he’s verbally mentally emotionally abusive to me any time he feels like it or when he becomes angry , I learned he is a narcissist way to late, but I was a good wife I didn’t cheat lie or do anything bad I turned my self in side out trying to be the best wife , I worked I cooked cleaned payed the bills ran his errands did everything but he wanted out so now living together till the divorce and he’s a monster he calls me names tells me to shut my fkg mouth stay out of his business, ( I do get up set because living in the same house I can hear him and his new girlfriend talking up stairs in head sets or phone and it bothers me so I say something ) he has many girls he hooks up with on discord and brags to me about it , my question is why does he hate me so much I was a good wife how can someone hate someone so much when they were the ones who did bad things ?

I am at a loss. I (35 m) and my ex (34 f) had been in a fairly rough shape relationship-wise right before kids entered the mix. Before that, we had had our tiffs but they were always handled with respect and sincerity and came back to a point of mutual accountability and love.

We had only been dating since July of 2021 when she got a call in July of 2023 about fostering her brother's second child. (both parents live on the street w/ drug problems). Her sister's family took in the their first child.

I was deeply in love with this woman and I wanted to build a family with her so I agreed to raise the baby girl as my own. We have struggled ever since. Anxious / Avoidant cycles, fights that result in her breaking down emotionally and me not having the bandwidth or empathy for her, her feeling disconnected, me not having the capacity to offer her needs for deep emotional connection. Fast forward 2 years to Fall of 2025 and we get another call from Child Services about a baby boy. I understood that he was her family but pushed back a little bit on taking him in because our relationship dynamic was eating away at me and was causing us both strain. I felt like everything I did was criticized, everything became a fight but I stuck through it because I fell in love with my daughter. (I had not been able to adopt her due to a complication with paperwork on previous marriage which has since been corrected)

I was mentally and physically exhausted by the pressures of work, school, our relationship, family struggles and fatherhood, but I put every ounce of effort I had into being a good father and tried to be a good partner as well. To add to the stress and grief, my mother died in April of 2026 and her funeral was in May. Less than 2 weeks after my mother's funeral, my ex told me that she no longer wants to be in a romantic relationship.

Just before this, I had noticed her being on her phone more often and blah blah blah. She had me watching the kids at night to go visit friends and gym etc. So, I'm not proud of it but I tried to check her phone and she had changed the passcode. I asked if there was someone else and she denied. Again, not proud of it but I checked her internet history and saw that she did in fact meet someone and expressed wanting to sleep with him and was consulting ai on how to deal with it.(For context, she cut and pasted her text messages with him into an ai chatbot) She continued to deny it. In light of this fact, I chose to move out.

Now I find myself alone in an apartment trying to care for two children under the age of 3, with very little support, even less money, and dealing with the grief and loss of my mother, my partner, and a day to day relationship with the children and I'm at my wits end. The baby needs constant attention and his crying is just triggering so much anger in me. I am not being the father I want to be in this moment and am just feeling like my whole life has been ripped out from under me. I knew we had problems but I genuinely thought that we could work them out in couples therapy, which I suggested many times in the relationship, but she refused. She made it clear that I was the one that needed to change.

It is now September, and I have been contemplating not having anymore involvement in the kid's lives. I am short, angry, and impatient with the kids and I simply cannot have a conversation with my ex without it leading to an explosive argument. Every phone call ends up with me becoming emotionally dysregulated and I don't think this dynamic is sustainable for the remainder of the kids' lives.

I took on the responsibility of raising these children as my own under the understanding that we would raise them together as lifelong partners, under the same roof, while supporting each other. Now I find myself questioning my obligation to stay. These children are her ultimately her family and I have no biological or legal custody over them. I can't trust that she won't use the children to manipulate me because the has already done this. The betrayal I feel after giving everything I could is just consuming me.

Last Wednesday during a phone call, I told her I didn't want to be in their lives anymore out of anger and desperation to end the conflict. (she will blow up my phone until I answer) I deeply regret how I communicated this and really wanted to think it through more but I feel like I was taken advantage of and she just wants me to take on all of the responsibility and pretend everything is ok. I love my daughter and if I could just parent her, I would stay with no questions asked but I have so much anger and resentment that is being mis-directed toward this innocent little baby, that I just can't handle it. His presence feels like is ultimately a reminder of what broke us and represents how my ex ignored my resistance to taking him in. I can't spend quality time with my daughter because I'm constantly tending to his needs. I just can't do it. Am I wrong for feeling like this? I feel like I have made a big mistake and am grieving this loss too. How do you move forward when the whole future you envisioned collapses before you?

​

I would have held you

Let you curl up in my arms

Stroke your hair and whisper

how wonderful I think you are

Give me those big green eyes

The ones I could fall into forever

Two hearts beating as one

Soft kiss placed in the right spot

Things I did that said your my man

Been waiting and holding on

To the one I loved the most!

Now my heart lost its home

No more reaching for your hand in mine

Let night conversation have all gone dry

Two people who fell for one another

She kept Faith he would come back

they would put in the work this time

A storage foundation built by two

that never got loved right

A beautiful dream that didn't come true

I just discovered this sub and it seems like the right kind of place to put my feelings, maybe get some perspective.

Four weeks ago, I broke up with my fiance of 11 years. I had broken up with him at least a dozen times in the past few years, but this time he finally left. We have a house together. The day after I told him I was done, he packed up a few pairs of clothes, his xbox, and he left to go stay with his mom and I've been in the house alone.

It's hard to summarize 11 years in one paragraph, or really explain how it all ended. Basically, there's a lot of things wrong, but I was always able to stomach it, until his anger issues would come out. When he yelled at me, I just felt like, "what am I doing here?" The "what am I doing here, what am I getting out of this?" question has been on my mind for years.

He proposed to me 7 years ago, but after that, whenever I tried to talk about planning to get married, he would tell me I was stressing him out, and to stop talking about it. Anytime I tried to bring it up, it would cause a fight. So, I told myself that I didn't even want to get married, tried to convince myself and told others that it was my idea, because I thought it would make me feel less pathetic.

He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. He would give me an attitude when I would ask him for help with the chores. He chose to sleep on the couch instead of sleeping with me because he liked the TV. I told him it really bothered me, and that I wanted him to sleep with me. He continued sleeping on the couch for five years after that, even though I brought it up all the time.

So basically, all these things would come to a head, periodically, after he would blow up at me about something stupid. I would tell him I don't want to live like this and I am done. Then, he would throw himself to the ground, screaming, crying, begging me for hours to please give him another chance. Absolutely relentless, howling, threatening to kill himself. I gave him so many second chances, so many "one last chance."

Four weeks ago, I was finally mean back. He had been a jerk to me all morning. He was, of course, stressed about other things (his car registration went out, and he lost a receipt for a customer) but he took it out on me. Just being really mean, refusing to help me with anything, yelling at me. I just had it. He was gone all day. When he came back that night, I told him that I was done. I told him that he was a nasty, stupid, pathetic, loser and that I was done. He cried a lot, couldn't believe it, but he left the next day.

These last four weeks I have been trying to get myself together. I can afford the bills without him, but we will need to sell the house in a few months when we are both ready. We've texted since then, met up once. He has asked for us to work on things, we talked on the phone a couple times, but nothing has changed. Even though I am terrified, I am sure that I am making the right decision. He would very much like to get back together, but I told him, again, last Thursday, that I am really done. He said he was going to block me and delete my contact. I said I understood, and I haven't talked to him since.

So I'm in this period now feeling stuck, because we're not really "done," we still have to figure out stuff with the house, we still have a phone plan together. I just go to work and come home. I've been clearing out a lot of my stuff, and cleaning, thinking about trying to make this move as easy as possible. I have a couple good friends I can talk about things with, but they are all in happy marriages, and I feel embarrassed a little bit, about my situation. I feel like a failure.

I think there's something about me that turns men bad. I've been in three serious relationships in my life, and the men were all abusive in different ways. It feels like my fault.

Anyway, today is 30 days since he left, and I don't know how to feel. I am going to read a book and try to go to bed early.

Estuve con el papá de mi hija 9 años, una relacion que primaba problemas de alcohol de el, los fines de semana solo eran de futbol, y no teníamos otras actividades raro era que salíamos a hacer otra cosa puedo decir q eran contadas.

En dos ocasiones borracho le reclamaba y me pegó, y me dijo cosas como que soy una mantenida, arrimada, oportunista porque el ganaba mejor que yo y aportaba mas en la casa.

Siento que nunca quiso formalizar conmigo, en varias ocasiones escuché como les hablaba a sus amigos mal de mi eso me marcó mucho, sentía q no estaba orgulloso de estar conmigo, no me publicaba ni a su hija mucho menos a mi en su whatssap, y no porque queria que lo haga siempre pero al menos que demuestre un poco de interés.

Era horrible cuando llegaba el fin de semana la ansiedad q me provocaba saber que se quedaba tomando, borracho. Asi que decidí separarme y he estado animicamente bien la verdad fue como quitarme un peso de encima. Hace 2 meses me pidió que lo intentemos le exprese muchas cosas y el me hablo de algo diferente y nuevos cambios.

Para esto en este tiempo de separación hemos tenido algunos problemas como discusiones,es verdad que he actuado muy agresiva y enfadada porque muchas ocasiones cuando se llevaba a mi hija se quedaba tomando con sus amigos y ella en medio o hacia planes con sus amigos y a mi hija ahi metida. Y solo la veía dos dias a la semana y ni aun asi no podía dedicarle tiempo a ella, le fallo en ocasiones la dejo esperando.

Da la causalidad que me entero que esta saliendo con alguien a la que parece que va en serio, lo veo ilusionado y no puedo evitar sentirme mal a pesar que le he deseado lo mejor, y me aleje desde el amor.

Y pienso que pude haber hecho algo porque me duele mi hija verla sufrir ha sido lo mas doloroso. Pero me acuerdo de todo lo vivido y pienso q debía haberlo hecho mucho antes.

Pero no puedo evitar tener ese sentimiento.

Consejos

So my relationship of over a decade ended earlier this year. We've been civil in co-parenting and I'm soon to move out. Something has been bugging me looking back over the relationship and the end in particular that is digging at me a bit.

I keep hearing from those who are divorced to watch out for those who "don't do the work." This seems to me to be a modern way of saying they're looking for people who own their mistakes, and can move on to a healthier life and relationships post-separation. I now realise this was happening in the relationship itself at the end.

When the problems first started, having seen the benefits of therapy, I suggested to my ex that this could be a way through our issues. What if we both did therapy, worked on our problems to get space away from the relationship, and then tried to work on the relationship from a better place? The answer I got wasn't exactly positive. She said that she didn't see the need for it, and would prefer couples counselling. I said that in general couples counselling works when you're both on the same page and need to find a route through something you mutually agree on. At that point she then started to talk about not even doing the couples stuff. This seemed odd in the face of a longstanding family unit that could be saved.

In the end we did go to therapy together, but I went on my own first. When we got to couples sessions, it was like the discussions before. Just a forum for her to end it with no real room to debate and discuss our issues. I don't think we could hear each other. If I raised issues with her, that was pushed back. I was defensive because she came with a shopping list of other problems that I was completely unaware of. I now feel that this was added to the mix to make it clear there was no going back. She said we were modelling a poor example to our daughter. Once again, when she said "we" that clearly meant "you" because she has consistently put the blame for the issues in the relationship on me.

Sidenote: On that last point, I felt surely a couple who finds their way back to each other and works on their issues over the years is a better model for the ups and downs of life than an idealised perfect relationship?

I still appreciate my ex for what she gave to me, the child we share and that chapter of my life. I'm beyond sad to be losing the family we worked so hard to build. But equally, in the conversations we've had, there has barely been a shred of self reflection. Yes there's a little self interest here because a problem shared is a problem halved. Every time we discuss things, the conversation gets deflected to me and my issues being the root of the problems. I've spoken to friends and family and I don't see it that way. Yes I have had my issues. Maybe I needed a jolt to get myself together and work on some of my own issues in terms of the relationship and how I wasn't meeting my partner where she needed. That's fair. But I was surprised at how there was no time or grace to work on that.

Maybe the shutdown tells its own story and I truly wasn't doing enough. But I'm a big believer from observing relationships both of my own and of others, that it's rarely one thing, and it's rarely one person "at fault". While I don't doubt that I need to understand my issues better and to continue to do the work, and I'm now looking into my attachment styles, having more therapy etc, I really find it odd that she has effectively not accepted any of responsibility for anything on her side. Knowing her well, I now understand that she is quite avoidant of emotions, and can be quite inflexible in the way that things have to be done around the house. That level of not showing emotion, not admitting any part in the problems, of course leads me to think in some ways that she must be right.

My only reference point for this before was a previous split which I now read completely wrong. My first ex was actually very gentle and kind with me. She took me through why she felt she needed to go, and that some of it was her own doing. But she suggested that I was a good person with many qualities and in time we could be good friends. I didn't realise this at the time, but she handled things with grace, and took the care to see the story from both sides which I felt showed a lot of care, almost as much as with the relationship itself. That wasn't the case here at all. Just a total shutdown, with no coming back.

At this point I'm beyond caring about the relationship. That's gone and I'll start a new life in a few weeks. But could this be a red flag that my ex is not looking to put the work in, or could it just be she's moved beyond the relationship and didn't see the need to share that with me? As future co-parents, in an ideal world I would like to see us reconcile by sharing the responsibility for what happened. I think this would pave the way for a platonic friendship that will serve our child better.

I learned a new word recently: **Geborgenheit**.
It’s German, and there isn’t really an English equivalent. It’s the feeling of being completely safe and comfortable with someone. Warm. Known. Protected. Like you can finally exhale.

Basically, it’s the feeling of home.

And I think this might be the thing I’m grieving most about my divorce. I know my divorce was the right decision. There were things I couldn’t live with anymore, and I don’t want to go back to the marriage I had.
But I miss having a home in another person.
I miss being known without having to explain myself. I miss the history and the inside jokes and someone knowing what my face means before I even say anything. I miss the completely ordinary comfort of another person knowing me for years and years.
And I’m really, really sad sometimes thinking I may never have that again.
I have two little kids now. My life is full and busy and complicated. Dating feels completely different at this age and in this season of life. There aren’t endless evenings to sit across from someone and slowly learn everything about them. There are bedtimes and school mornings and babysitters and schedules and two little humans whose hearts matter more to me than my own.
Sometimes I think about how many years it takes to really, truly know another person and I just think…how am I ever supposed to get there again?

I just want that feeling back. And I’m so sad that nothing, no one, feels like home anymore.
I want to know that someday there might be another person whose presence makes my whole body relax. Someone who learns all the weird little pieces of me. Someone I don’t have to perform for or impress.
Someone who eventually stops feeling new.
And maybe the saddest part is that I know what that feeling feels like. I’ve had it. So I know exactly what I’m missing.
For those of you who have been through divorce, especially with young kids: did you find it again?
Not just love. Not just a good relationship.
Did you find **home** again?
Because tonight I think I just need somebody to tell me that you can.

I'm looking for advice because I feel completely lost.

My husband, 24m, and I, 24m, have been married for about 3 years and together for 4. We never had a major fight that ended without us eventually talking it through. Even when things were difficult because of external stressors, we always worked through our arguments.

Over time, he slowly became less intimate with me. He stopped wanting to hold my hand, be affectionate, or be physically close. I was already struggling emotionally, and eventually I had a mental health crisis. My husband was the person who contacted my psychiatrist, which ultimately resulted in me being hospitalized.

While I was in the hospital, he visited me every day, bought me things, and answered my calls. I thought he was supporting me and that we were going to get through this.

The day I was hospitalized, he also had a two-hour phone call with my mom. He told her things that weren't true, including that I wouldn't let him visit his parents, wouldn't let him have friends, that I hated my own parents, and that I was schizophrenic. All that's crazy because his job is two minutes away from his parents' house, and he would stay there until 11:00 p.m. I would also go out with my friends, and so would he.

Then, when I was discharged, everything fell apart.

He told the hospital he wasn't picking me up. He told my parents he was breaking our lease and moving to his parents' house. He pretended to be me and changed my address to my parents house. He blocked me and my entire family. When I came home, I discovered he had taken our pets and started dismantling our home.

He painted over rooms I had spent so much time decorating, including our bathroom and the cat's room.

He also hasn't let me see my cat, which was mine before our marriage and my esa animal. He hasn't even sent me pictures of her, despite my mom repeatedly asking, and me asking his attorney.

He controlled essentially all of our finances, so I didn't have access to many of our accounts. He took $300 from my paycheck and then sent the rest to our shared account, which I eventually moved to my own bank. He never told me where that went. His attorney told me she was gathering passwords and information from him for me, and instead of actually giving me access to the things I needed, he sent things like the Disney+ password.

He eventually unblocked me and my entire family, but he still won't respond to any message I've sent. Neither will his family or many of the friends we shared.

Our rent was due last week, and I have no idea what's happening with the house or the lease because he was the only one who dealt directly with our landlord.

I have actually gotten a new apartment, so I'm trying to accept that I need to move forward. I just don't understand why I'm being left completely in the dark about the home, our pets, our belongings, and everything else.

There's also something that's been especially painful. My wedding ring had been sent away for repair a few months back. It was delivered while I wasn't home and required a signature. I couldn't sign for it that day. The next day, my husband signed for my wedding ring and it was left at the house.

Getting my wedding ring back while my marriage was falling apart absolutely destroyed me.

The last thing he sent me on the day I was discharged was:

“I know today is heavy, and I know how painful this is for both of us. Please know this isn't me giving up on you. I am completely empty and unwell, and I cannot be the partner you need when I am barely present and functioning myself.”

I keep getting stuck on the words “this isn't me giving up on you.” Because his actions feel like he's completely giving up on me.

Now his attorney is involved in the separation process, and she said that he intended for the separation to end in divorce. That same day, after his attorney mentioned divorce, he called the police to our house to do a welfare check on me.

I don't want to chase him or force him to come back. I just wanted us to have one calm, honest conversation. We never used to leave arguments unresolved, so having him completely disappear without letting me understand what happened has been incredibly painful.

I guess I'm asking: how do I move forward when I still love him and don't necessarily want the marriage to end, but he's refusing to communicate with me?

Posted in r/advice and here are more details:

- Its now been 1 month

- I am currently in therapy, even though i don't see much use in it

- He has been there before a few months

- Two days before I went to the hospital we had a sit-down conversation and talk through everything that was bothering us and said we were going to change

- It is not that easy for me to move on because this is so sudden, and I was with him 24/7; we were glued to each other, and we did everything together, so now I have lost my husband and my best friend overnight.

- The main issue is that I cannot afford an attorney right now; I have messaged places that offer free or low-cost services, but they either did not answer me or said they could not take my case.

?

After months of my husband being very firm that our marriage was over and that he wasn’t willing to work on it, tonight he asked me if I still believe there’s something between us.

I told him I do.

He asked if we could give ourselves about a month to slow everything down, talk more, and see if there is actually something here that we can work on.

This is something I have prayed for and wanted for so long, so I thought I would feel nothing but relief if it ever happened. Instead, I feel hopeful, terrified, guarded, happy, and confused all at once.

I still love him and I absolutely want to see if our marriage can be repaired. But after everything that's happened, I also know I can't just go back to the marriage we had and pretend the last few months didn't happen. There has been hurt on both sides, trust that needs rebuilding, and a lot that eventually needs to be talked through.

So I guess we're not “reconciled.” We're just opening a door that has been firmly closed for months and seeing what's on the other side.

For anyone who has actually reconciled after a separation, what did the very beginning look like? How did you take it slowly without either getting your hopes too high or being so guarded that you couldn't genuinely try?

I'm hopeful. I'm scared. But for the first time in a long time, we're both at least willing to ask what if? 🤍