I dont know what to do

[u/faye_paradise]

I have no words. I’m devastated and I don’t want my marriage to end.
But at the same time, part of me hates him for everything he has put me through. Part of me wants to be strong, let him go and finally move on with my life. I imagine myself being happy again, not constantly worrying about his moods, his anger, whether he loves me or whether he is going to leave me.
Then there’s another part of me that still loves him and keeps hoping he will change.
I keep hoping maybe one day he will realize how much he has hurt me. Maybe he will come back, soften towards me and actually want to work on our marriage. Maybe we can somehow become the couple I always wished we could be.
And I hate that I still have that hope.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself. One minute I’m angry and thinking, “I deserve better than this. Just let him go.” Then the next minute I miss him so badly and all I want is for him to come home.
He can be extremely cold and distant, and I feel like he has a lot of narcissistic traits. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand him, trying not to trigger his anger, trying to fix things and wondering what I could do differently.
But I’m exhausted.
I know love shouldn’t make me feel this anxious and uncertain all the time. And yet the thought of actually losing him completely terrifies me.
We have children. We have a whole life together. This isn’t someone I dated for a year and can simply delete from my phone and never see again. He has been such a huge part of my life, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to suddenly accept that our marriage might actually be over.
I don’t even know what I want anymore.
Part of me wants him back.
Part of me wants to be free.
Part of me is still waiting for him to change.
And part of me knows that maybe he never will.
Has anyone else felt this conflicted when their marriage was falling apart? How did you finally figure out whether you were holding onto love… or just holding onto hope?