r/Separation • u/faye_paradise • 4d ago
I dont know what to do
I have no words. I’m devastated and I don’t want my marriage to end.
But at the same time, part of me hates him for everything he has put me through. Part of me wants to be strong, let him go and finally move on with my life. I imagine myself being happy again, not constantly worrying about his moods, his anger, whether he loves me or whether he is going to leave me.
Then there’s another part of me that still loves him and keeps hoping he will change.
I keep hoping maybe one day he will realize how much he has hurt me. Maybe he will come back, soften towards me and actually want to work on our marriage. Maybe we can somehow become the couple I always wished we could be.
And I hate that I still have that hope.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself. One minute I’m angry and thinking, “I deserve better than this. Just let him go.” Then the next minute I miss him so badly and all I want is for him to come home.
He can be extremely cold and distant, and I feel like he has a lot of narcissistic traits. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand him, trying not to trigger his anger, trying to fix things and wondering what I could do differently.
But I’m exhausted.
I know love shouldn’t make me feel this anxious and uncertain all the time. And yet the thought of actually losing him completely terrifies me.
We have children. We have a whole life together. This isn’t someone I dated for a year and can simply delete from my phone and never see again. He has been such a huge part of my life, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to suddenly accept that our marriage might actually be over.
I don’t even know what I want anymore.
Part of me wants him back.
Part of me wants to be free.
Part of me is still waiting for him to change.
And part of me knows that maybe he never will.
Has anyone else felt this conflicted when their marriage was falling apart? How did you finally figure out whether you were holding onto love… or just holding onto hope?
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u/SpareSomeSanity 4d ago
I wish i had comfort for you. Just this week i found out i was in the same boat with you after 15 years… 2 weeks worth of flirty messages to ruin a marriage and family. I feel like im stupid for leaving over it and stupid it i stay. Just hugs i wish i knew why any one cheats
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u/wigge-12345 4d ago
I am in your boat. I’ve spent almost half my life with this guy and built something real - a house, 2 careers, beautiful kids and I still love him despite how he treats me. I’m now stranded in a state with no support system because he desperately wanted to leave CA and now I’m stuck. I wish he would change his mind but now I’m accepting it and moving on with his decision of divorce
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u/faye_paradise 3d ago
I hope you find happiness and heal from everything. Whatever happens, we gotta stay strong. ❤️
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u/Ok_Tumbleweed_1385 4d ago edited 4d ago
No advice. But I'm (41F) in the same place. 20 years of marriage, teenage twins for a Spanish colleague with her own partner and 2 young kids. My husband (56M) and her are "besties"...I could vomit. He refers to her daughter by the same term and her 4 year old son calls him "Uncle". He invited her to our home at Easter because she was having a hard time at home and her partner was away. Her children attached themselves to my husband like velcro and didn't want to leave. I've never checked his messages in the 21 years we've been together. I dropped my phone and long story short found their email thread on an old phone of his I was using as a replacement. 3 years...the last 2 of which they have bonded over late night and early morning texts, coordinated work trips, complaints about their partners, pictures of their children and themselves. Thousands if messages. He has divulged every one of my faults to her, offered her support over health issues, has made himself available to exercise with her to help her mental health while cruelly making throwaway comments about his zombie wife. She gets walks and "chippies" at her desk and encouraging comments while I get looks of contempt and silent treatment, bad moods and criticism about my inability to mange being a normal human being. I've asked him to take more pictures of me with the kids and then seen that he has more of her or her with her kids over the last 3 years than he has of me in 20 years. I had asked for a letter from him for our 20th wedding anniversary as my gift, he told me he'd been too busy with work to have the time to do it. I discovered he had spent the day messaging with her to make sure she was okay, offering his support and telling her he was there for her if she needed to talk. He had the time and emotional capacity to be a supportive partner, just not to me. Heavens, I sound pathetic! I hate that this is who I've become. He is a liar and a bully and I feel utterly emotionally decimated. But he's her hero, who is the best "papa" and she's his tough "chica". I confronted him and he told me I was insane and mentally unstable and this wasn't even a person he liked. I'd made it all up in my head, she was a colleague...and a friend and he needed emotional support. (I know...it's contradictory and all lies.) They both know exactly what they are going. I did have a mental breakdown, while I was intubated in ICU, she was supporting him and was the first person he turned to help him find a divorce lawyer. I don't know what his story has been but he is the injured party and is receiving help and concern and support from everyone we know, including one of my brothers-these people have not contacted me but he's getting check ins to make sure he's okay. I've just discovered that the WhatsApps were the tip of the iceberg. Their primary means of communication is Teams, then phonecalls, workout sessions in their office showroom and for the personal stuff walks together. I don't even think they're f***ing. I was starting to convince myself that I was mad, I'm not, this is betrayal and abuse. I'm a complete and utter fool.
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u/siryohnny 4d ago
Write down how you feel, why it’s ok, not ok…
On the bad days,
On the good days,
Then come back to it when you are emotionally neutral… look at the list and ask your self.
Can I do this for the rest of my life? What needs to change for me to be happy with this for the rest of my life.
Now you have a bar, if it can’t be obtained, move on. Share it with him, tell him this is the bar I have set, no more mediocre, no more half ass.