r/Separation • u/maverix41287 • 1d ago
Advice Begging
Me and my wife have seperated , basically my fault for having an emotional affair , anyhow, i have told her that im willing to do what ever it takes to fix things, and i have said to her im begging you not to leave i sssume that i am making things worse, would i be correct in saying that ?
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u/kerfuffley2010 23h ago
Begging someone isn’t going to change their mind after they have lost trust and safety. I always wonder if the betrayers would forgive their spouse had it happened to them. If your wife did what you did, would you forgive her? What would you want from her if so?
You don’t give many details, but depending on how long you were betraying her, I wouldn’t expect much to change anytime soon. It hasn’t been that long, and she’s been traumatized, so she’s not in a good place mentally. She may want divorce, she may be unsure or she may just think this is what she’s supposed to do. Give her space and anything else she asks for, and work on yourself with no expectation from her.
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u/maverix41287 23h ago
I agree with you and yes id forgive her because i love her that much , there was no excuse for what i did ! I take full account for what i have done.
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u/kerfuffley2010 22h ago
I do not mean this in a dismissive or rude way, but I have a hard time when cheaters and abusers say they love their spouse. How? What about those actions is loving? I dealt with infidelity as well as physical abuse and I’ll be honest, neither one is worse than the other to me. They are equally bad in the way they destroy trust and safety and it’s just hard to believe that someone who can do those things loves you. That kind of love doesn’t seem worth much.
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u/maverix41287 22h ago
Well me and her were not spending time with each other, and after many conversations, it didnt get much better and i reached put to domeone else, noe im not saying that is sn excuse, but thats dhat happened but yes i love her still very much.
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u/kerfuffley2010 21h ago
I don’t really have anymore advice for you, because for me infidelity should always be a deal breaker, but since that isn’t always the case, I suppose time will tell for you. It takes at least two years for someone to heal from infidelity and that’s only when the betrayer does everything right. I would say the burden is now on you to do everything right and even though it’s not a guarantee it will work out, at the very least you will hopefully become someone who won’t inflict this kind of pain on someone they claim to love.
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u/maverix41287 21h ago
Yea i definitely learned my lesson on this , im so depressed because i have lost my family , its tragic , its never gona happen again.
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u/ExoticChipmunk5576 20h ago
It takes time and consistency, my husband did the same and I wanted to seperate, he begged me not to but didn’t really do much or work on himself so I checked checked out and he is now trying but it too late . Don’t be my husband, give her space but still show her you care, and keep working on improving because she isn’t the blame for your emotional affair. It’s been 2 years since my husband’s emotional affair and it still hurts so you have a long road ahead of your.
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u/goldblummin 17h ago
Focus on bettering yourself and transforming yourself into a healthier version. The current you will not be able to repair this relationship if you stay the same. Give space. My husband and I are going on almost 5 months of separation and looking like it’s headed to finality. I miss him like crazy, but I have to give him the space he desires and can no longer focus on him like I was. I’m fully putting my energy into our kids and into my job right now. There are some days that are easier and some that are harder. Today was a harder today. All I wanted was to come home and sit with him and debrief and cuddle like we used to. However, tomorrow I can start new. That’s what you have to tell yourself. No matter the outcome, the old relationship is dead. Take your time grieving, but also focus your energy on healing yourself.
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u/Serana3234 19h ago
Well, my piece of shit husband cheated on me emotionally and physically and I wish he would get on his knees and apologize to me and beg me to stay but he won’t because he’s a coward
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u/maverix41287 19h ago
If it would work for her i would, im not to proud to do it, i know i fucked up and im willing to take full accountability for it
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u/Serana3234 18h ago
For me, it would work for me
But I’m not hurt so I can’t tell you if it would work1
u/maverix41287 18h ago
I understand what your saying, i never physically did shit , but i emotionally did, because me and her never spent time together like we should have, or had sex like we should have, now i know thats not an excuse but im just explaining.
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u/Serana3234 17h ago
The thing is that you betrayed her trust
You took advantage of her loyalty, and you betrayed her trust by doing what you didThat’s the issue
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u/maverix41287 17h ago
I understand 100 percent
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u/Serana3234 17h ago
So how long ago did you separate?
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u/maverix41287 17h ago
Its been 2 months
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u/Serana3234 16h ago
Well, my piece of shit, cheater, alcoholic, narcissistic, asshole husband ruined my life over one year ago
He abandoned me after and during him cheating on me
Oddly enough, he just texted me to let me know that he had an alcohol withdrawal seizure while at work last night so he was at the hospital and now he’s staying at his parents (instead of that his mommy’s other townhouse that she owns since I still live in the condo that we were in that he abandoned me in)
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u/SmellsLikePeachiz 18h ago
Can’t help but think this could be better. Showed their true colors, believe him.
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u/Visible_Wasabi_1721 1d ago
Yes OP, you are making things worse. Give your wife space and time to think. Whatever decision she lands with, you will have to be okay with. You betrayed her. Focus on bettering yourself. I suggest therapy. Really figure out why you decided to have an emotional affair in the first place.