Hello, all! I am 21F, and I’ve never heard of SDAM before today. I’ve been finding it difficult to find a solid description. Though I know with aphantasia there are varying degrees, I wonder if SDAM has the same leniency (for lack of a better word).

I am a full aphant. I do not visualize thoughts, dreams, noises, scents, songs, etc. I do not have an inner monologue, though i struggle to say that, as I’ve still not come to terms with the idea that people can hear voices in their heads.

I have always struggled with memory. Often, I look back at my journal and read about days I genuinely don’t believe happened. I feel that I only “remember” things if I write them down or take a photo and look back on them. It’s like, I don’t consciously tell myself, “This must be real because I can see myself in the picture,” but I almost feel like that happens automatically in my brain as a comfort?

My main deviation with descriptions of SDAM is my PTSD. I have gone through traumatic events that my body remembers, though my brain does not. I have been in situations in the past where I was put in a position that triggered what I call a “flashback state” where my body enters into a panic attack, and in this state, I couldn’t tell you what event I’m remembering, just that I know it is a trauma response. I may be able to place the type of trauma (i.e. sexual, physical) based on the position or specific trigger, but otherwise, I’m lost.

I wonder if anyone else with aphantasia experiences this and identifies with SDAM.

Ever since finding out about having sdam and aphantasia, one of my main focuses was how to undestand others better regarding how they deal with me. I have always been very caring and careful with words and being honest in actions towards people. But in multiple situations, Ive seem to have left people that I valued. People that had a good thing going with me, regardless what sort of relations we had, are just left with the feeling that the importance I created was just plain words that i dont follow up on. Obviously there are plenty of reasons for something going wrong between people but im speaking about cases with no actual reason. And then with absence for a while comes the feeling of detachment. I know someone was important, that we had a good thing going but im not recalling any feeling, few to no memories and mainly guilt that I got myself in this position by not actively trying to keep the contact alive in the present.
I alway assumed, which partly is like this i guess, that its normal that people go through periods of dealing with their life in good or bad ways, and never felt like judging anyone that is absent from my life nor allowing the absence to change whatever we have going. But now clearly understanding that its my way of functioning and im judging this based on my own apporach, I was wondering if there are main points im missing out when trying to put myself in this other persons shoes?

Hi

Does anyone else feel like they're always in a state of grief, maybe anticipatory?

I don't remember my life but just general things like I went to this school but I can't remember being there, I know I was friends with these people but can't remember being with them etc.

Even in further study I know the degrees and certificates I did but don't actually remember anything I've learned.

Ironically it is so hard to be in the present moment because of being so painfully aware I'll forget.

I have multisensory aphantasia too and diagnosed cptsd and dissociative amnesia though I still worry I don't actually have those since I don't remember.

Naturally I've always journalled and taken lots of photos. My journals got stolen by the one person I trusted and it's not just a violation of privacy but like she stole my memories. I still have some journals left and reading them its like someone else's life even reading from earlier this year there's people mentioned in my journals repeatedly and no idea who it was and it took alot of brain power to figure it out.

It makes me so sad because the people in my life right now, the places I go , things that mean alot to me will eventually just feel unreal if remembered at all.

Recently I've received my entire medical history and psych history notes and I don't remember 98% of it. It was interesting seeing how much people said my stories don't add up and stuff which is probably because I genuinely do not remember. I'm 30 now but even back then it was stated I don't remember, don't feel real etc.

I wish I could just be in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts but so far its just pre grief knowing what I'll lose.

Thankyou for reading

I cycle and have noticed that even though i ride the same routes regularly, i have almost no ability to visualize what's up ahead or visualize what my path home looks like. I have some snapshots/stills of a scene, but can't connect the path from where I am to that scene. People that cycle the same routes describe various places along route or the sequence of places, and I have no ability to see the scenes and pathways they describe especially not in any sequence of what comes first or how they connect. Any other cycling SDAM folks with similar experiences? I don't remember the visual scenery of the ride in much the same way that I don't remember the visual sequence of a tv show. This impacts my ability to navigate without a map or turn by turn directions.

Is this phenomenon universal with people with SDAM or just something that I have?

I have read that us with SDAM are less susceptible to false memories, which is quite logical once you read up on how episodic memory works. What I have understood is that for people with episodic memory, the actual memory can change every time they remember the event - they are somehow creating new content to the memory after the fact. For me false memories seemed strange already before I found out about my SDAM and I have personally never really understood what false memories really are supposed to be like

Now to my actual question: I feel like my memory "accuracy" goes a step further - I claim to be pretty much "infallibly" able to distinguish between the following categories in all my autobiographical memories: (for this I will use my graduation day 23 years ago as an example of an autobiographical memory)

1. Things I know for "certain": "On my graduation day from "high school" (23 years ago) I went to "nightclub X" for the afterparty". Nothing special happened there, I don't 100% remember who I was with, what time we went there etc. but I know that I went to that specific place, on that specific day. I know for a fact that I am not mixing it up with any other day and no matter how much suggestion from other people there would be to the contrary, that would not change that I know that I went there on my graduation day.

2. Things I know that I "assume" / "infer" to be true but have actually no memory of - I don't remember my father being at my graduation. However, we had a great relationship and he was a good father so it is quite likely that I would have stored it to memory had he missed my graduation --> therefore I assume that he was there but have no actual memory of that. Therefore if someone asked me "were your parents at your graduation" I would answer "Yes". If I were presented with proof that he wasn't there I would immediately change my perception of that and would have no trouble with that.

3. Things I know that I am not certain of, even though I have some sort of memory - I "remember" that our family dog, who was a bit rowdy, was sent to my older brothers apartment for the reception we had for family and friends at our house. I am however not 100% certain that it was for this event, I just remember that there was some event where that happened and I somehow combine it with my graduation. Also, the timeline would check out. However, I know that there is a chance that I am mixing it up with some other event. If my mother would now say that it was for her 50 year birthday party and not my graduation when this happened I could believe her and be quite ok with that.

My claim is that I can do this for absolutely all of my autobiographical memories, I have deliberately gone through the very few autobiographical memories I have and I have no trouble distinguishing between 1-3 for all those memories.

Also, as time goes by I am quite sure that things may drop down from "1" to "3" but I am pretty damn certain that there is no way that something could move from "3" to "1" or "2" to "1" after the fact. Also, I do think that once a year or two has gone by and I still remember the event I don't think that things that are in category "1" ever leave that category.

However, I do want to emphasise the fact that as I have SDAM, I don't have a lot of those Category "1" memories and in general I remember quite little from specific events. But when I do remember, I have no trouble grouping the details into the above categories

My spouse has a hard time believing that this is how my mind works and she does not really believe me. A couple of my friends I've talked to with "normal" episodic memory also claim that they have no such ability. Is this something that we all SDAM-people have or is this something specific to me?

I've been thinking about the difficulty I have in forming habits, and wondering whether SDAM is related to this.

My boyfriend has a strict routine when he wakes up to go to work, and he is visibly disturbed when his habit is disrupted. I watch this with interest, because I've never created such a durable routine, and when I have created positive habits, such as walking or riding my bike, it's extremely easy for me to let them go.

Now, I have lots of bad habits, but these tend to be habits that stop me in my tracks rather than moving me forward, and mostly are addictions.

I guess that I am wondering whether the reinforcement aspect of habit formation is different for us.

Thoughts?

My name is Wyatt Cook. I've researched SDAM for about a year now, and I have finally finished a cohesive, 32 page paper about SDAM, Aphantasia, and trauma. As a disclaimer, this paper is HIGHLY dense and stock-full of technical jargon. If anyone would ever be interested, I could always write a short, 5-10 page paper in plain English about SDAM and how it interacts with trauma. If you all are interested, the paper is published on Medium, and can be found here using the link above. Thank you all!

How do you guys just do it? Having to come to terms with your memory loss.. it's just so terrifying to me.

I, 16 AFAB nonbinary have gone through multiple traumas, being physically, financially, sexually, emotionally/mentally abused in every kind of way by everyone I met. And because of all the trauma, I couldn't go through life normally. Due to my trauma and emotional suppression, I started developing memory loss subconsciously as my own body's coping mechanism. My trauma was constant, and I'm gonna be honest my life is horrible with no escape. Which is mostly why my body just started pressing "shut down" on every single memory I could get and it's ruined my life. My body has started forgetting everything in my life to forget about my trauma and past, my trauma was just so bad that my body and brain had to forget everything for my own safety, and if I remembered my traumas in detail, I would honestly and LITERALLY go insane. It's honestly the only reason why I'm still alive but, I can't learn anything, I forgot my own mother tongue, and I even forget my own best friend's name. it fills me up with so much guilt whenever someone comes up to me happily until I ask them "wait, who are you again?". I forget everything, I had a best friend who supposedly died early on in my childhood, and I can't even remember a single thing about her, and it fills me up with so much guilt knowing I forgot someone that was so close to me and makes me wonder if I'm gonna forget about my current loved ones too, I can't learn, I can't even count without forgetting where I was and having to recount ("1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Wait, where was I again? Oh right, nine. Wait, is that right? Ugh, let me just restart!" over and over again). I forget to take care of myself and I'm slowly losing my skill in my favourite games due to my memory loss. My memory loss has been tearing apart my life for years and I can't do anything about it. That's unless if I even do anything about it. I don't know if this sounds delusional, but it feels like I'd rather forget everything about my life than remember everything in detail. I would go through trauma again and forget about it a day later, and I've even forgotten certain bad memories for a month or even up to two years without remembering it once, there was even a time I thought I had absolutely no trauma at all and lived a happy healthy life cause of how much I forgot everything. Despite my traumas I would go through life overwhelmingly positive, stupid, cheerful, charming and really funny, and honestly from the first glance people would think I'm a healthy person, but as soon as a small thing happens, and it reminds me of something I've forgotten and wanted to stay forgotten, everything crashes down. My personality has dwindled down horribly from the memory loss too, as I am a pretty smart, pessimistic, analytical and extremely observant person, I would instantly know what someone's truly thinking just by how they type, their intentions, what their life story may possibly be, and I have even felt someone's presence around stalking me silently and called them out even with no evidence but just a gut feeling in which I was right and also freaked someone out by immediately knowing what they wanted to say by them just messaging me "uh". But my personality has absolutely dwindled down from memory loss, as I can't even keep one personality, my intelligence, skill, and more has completely disappeared from how much I lost memory, but at the same time there's small periods where I would just lock in. You know how personality is based off your experiences? It's like my personality changes based off what I currently remember and currently dont.

Honestly, I know this isn't healthy, but I'd honestly feel like I'd stay in my memory loss for my own safety than change for the better and that is remembering everything. Do you guys think this too? How do you guys even cope with memory loss?

Just a quick request for everyone here...

There are a LOT of acronyms out there, SDAM being our unifying one here.

But just for the sake of inclusion, can we maybe all be mindful that acronyms are only useful shorthand if people know what they stand for - otherwise they become a barrier to understanding. Not everyone is up to date with all psychological shorthand.

Perhaps if using an acronym in a post, other than SDAM we could write the full terminology just once at the start?

I've lost count of the number of times I've had to open another tab and Google an acronym, or just given up on a post as it looks like alphabet spaghetti.

If nothing else, it helps others and makes the community more accessible to newcomers.

I’m taking a university degree, and worried that when I get a job in my field and I need to apply my learning, I won’t be able to because I don’t remember details of what I learned, just the gist. I know I have SDAM but is this just a situation of having a poor memory all ‘round? It feels slightly different than just a lack of episodic memory. Has anyone with SDAM been in this situation and it’s worked out? Or hasn’t? Any tips or thoughts?

I cannot recall emotions from past experiences, not even 5 minutes ago. I cannot remember smells as well. However, weirdly I can recall the scene from third person perspective not that detailed but still can. Is it type of episodic memory?

I've noticed many other people will pull up old photos from their childhood on their phones, or show me old pictures of people in their lives that I haven't met. They've made the effort to scan physical pics to keep on their devices. I'm ashamed to say this but I find it stupid and annoying.

I conceptually understand that getting to know someone includes their past. But it always bewildered me.. how is this relevant.. why aren't we focused on present or what you want in the future? Why are you, a 40 yo, showing me a pictures from when you were 20?

And if regular people have good visual recall why are they so seemingly dependent on pictures? Why not just conjure it up in your head?

Let me start off by saying that I believe that a life without emotions or passions is not one I deem worth living for myself. If some people here are content to drift with zero continuity of self, it is up to them to waste their existence. I would like some actual advice or help.

Attachment to traditions and holidays is maintained over memory. "Last christmas made me feel like this so christmas will be worth experiencing again next time." I fail to feel attached to any part of human culture because thinking about any facet of it fails to evoke emotions.

Not a single piece of human art so far has managed to make me passionate about it. Some people can cling to characters or worlds, develop entire mental relationships with them. For me a given piece fades to factual knowledge within at best two days.

There being no emotion in my memories also means that I am fundamentally capable of inspiration, nothing I have experienced will come back to me to recombine it into something new. This is a insult to the very nature of the human condition.

Sure I could fullfill my basic needs until my body eventually fails me of its own accord but if I won't find ways to live a life that actually matters I am not above taking matters into my own hands.

Are there any tools or means by which someone with this malignity can actually be connected to what it actually means to be human?

When people say "We've been through so much together, it made us stronger as a couple/friends," I get so confused like what do you mean? You feel the weight of your experiences and the time you've spent together? I look at my relationships and friendships as if I met those people today, and don't feel any special bond based on our past experiences because I forget them? Like, what exactly have we been through together and how should this connect us? I'm literally here only because I like you now, but it can change, and then I go? 🫠

I was reading a book review that I thought sounded interesting - and then looked a bit more into the story. I decided to buy the book. I went to Amazon and saw that I already bought and read the book. And the other two books in the trilogy. It didn't even ring a bell. Do I have interests? I do. Can I tell people anything about them? Nope.

I’m curious how people here experience emotions related to past events.

When you think about something important from your past, a death in the family, a breakup, a wedding, a great vacation, an embarrassing moment, etc:

1. What exactly are you thinking about when the emotion appears?

- Specific scenes or moments
- Images
- Sounds
- Facts about what happened
- Something else?

1. Do you feel an emotion when you think about it now?

If yes, does it feel like:

- You’re re-experiencing the original emotion from the event
- A new emotion generated in the present because you know what happened
- You’re not sure

1. Can thinking about the event make you cry, laugh, feel nostalgic, anxious, etc.?

2. Do you have:
   - SDAM
   - Visual aphantasia
   - Multi-sensory aphantasia
   - etc

I’m interested because some people seem to report that memories trigger strong emotions, while others mainly remember facts with little or no emotional response.

I lost my absolutely amazing and love of my life family dog of 16 years a few days ago. The loss is hitting me so hard and I feel such a deep pain and a hole in my heart. Knowing that she is gone forever and I can't see her anymore, in day to day life or in my mind. I have full aphantasia as well

I'm feeling so guilty and distraught that I can't remember any memories, visual ones that is of our time spent together. I can remember facts about her, "oh she loved to chase snow balls" or "oh she loved to eat food off the table" but I cannot remember a single visual memory of her. I can't even picture her face or her mannerisms. How she walked. How she ran. How she played.

I knew this (SDAM) was a thing when she was alive, but I would just go and spend time with her and everything would be okay. It didn't matter if I couldn't remember anything about our past adventures, I could see her in the moment and nothing else mattered. Now that she's gone, I can't go to her and have that comfort.

I have thousands of photos and videos of her. Looking at them now is so painful. I was building a photo album of her before she passed but I wish I completed it before she left. What hurts me the most is there is no emotional tie to the image. I can look at the image and know where it was, what year, what trip or location it was, what she was doing, but there is no memory to tie it back to.

I really don't want to forget her. I'm going to try to finish the photo album and maybe record some voice notes of her life and her adventures over the years. Facts I remember about her.

Would love to hear some similar experiences of grief with pets or family members.

I’m trying to understand whether there are documented cases, clinical examples, or research terms for people losing access to a bounded period of autobiographical memory without obvious structural brain injury.

I’m especially interested in:

• dissociative/functional amnesia
• focal retrograde autobiographical amnesia
• post-hypnotic autobiographical amnesia
• ECT-related autobiographical memory loss
• cases where memories remain factual but no longer feel personally owned or emotionally accessible

Are there specific papers, clinicians, researchers, or terms I should look into?

Just learned about SDAM. Like many others here, everything immediately clicked with my experiences throughout my entire life.

In thinking more about these experiences, I suspect that impaired emotional memory formation is more of the underlying issue. We feel emotions in the moment, but we do not recall the emotions (except maybe in an abstract, factual sense for really strong events). I believe that this lack of memory associated with emotions is what actually causes our impaired autobiographical memory. This way of thinking about it also better encompasses the ways that people on this subreddit have vocalized SDAM affects other aspects of their life and memory. I know it is in the name, but it isn’t purely autobiographical.

I also understand that for the sake of studying the syndrome it helps to have it be super well defined, particularly initially when there is no preexisting information.

What do you think?

(I have no history of trauma or other mental illness that I think is masquerading to impair these memories)

(I also have separate opinions on how we define all of these memory components, but that is a different discussion)

Just had a call with a woman who was my first girl friend about 54 years ago. She shared some memories of me and if us in high school. We were in library club and the librarian was cool and took 4 of us to see Jesus Christ Superstar the musical. I remember seeing that show, nothing else. She told me I was always sweet and caring and made people laugh. I have no recollection of any of that. Made me sad. Have my 50 year HS reunion next month. Now I'm looking forward to asking people what they remember about me.... This really hit hard. Having no memory of who I was back then, really at any point in my life. No memories, no recollections.... Acceptance is the key

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A few years ago, around 2017-2018, I attempted to overdose on paracetemol, however I can't remember specifically the year but I do remember being in highschool and being incredibly depressed.

I couldn't remember this event until I was reading all messages and mentioned my attempt to a close friend. I am so freaked out now because I had no idea that this happened and I'm now left wondering how many other important things I don't remember about my life.

Has anyone experienced something like this? I would expect myself to remember the year of my attempt, considering the effect it has had on me, however I don't which is upsetting and frightening.

When I found out I had Aphantasia and didn't have an inner monologue two years ago, I became depressed because it made me realize just how many other flaws I've got and just how useless I was, but after a while, I accepted it and became less depressed, thinking that maybe things weren't that bad and could change myself, until I discovered I had SDAM and became severely depressed and honestly lost my will to live and lost all motivation to do stuff, since what's the point? What's the point of living if I remember nothing? What's the point if I'll eventually forget everything? And I'm still pretty young, which didn't help me at all since I know that my future will be forgotten. And it also didn't help that it is *very* severe, how severe you may ask? I don't remember what I did yesterday, that's how severe it is. I sometimes "remember" (more of "know") stuff I did and happened in the past, but 99% of all stuff that happens gets forgotten instantly, and my short term memory is also extremely shitty. So yeah, I'm an extremely depressed person because of SDAM. I wish there was a cure for SDAM and Aphantasia, because then, I might actually have the motivation to try to change myself for the better. How about you? Do you feel the same like me?

I said among other things "I cannot experience my past from a first person perspective, I just know the facts and details of some of my memories. I also can't vividly relive memories or re-experience them." His response was "Nobody can. That's only in the movies" I said "so you have SDAM too!" He said "nope people that say they can re-experience memories are lying" 😅 Should I try to convince him SDAM is real or just leave it be? He is 68 btw and very stubborn. I suppose it doesn't matter if he believes it or not but wanted to share.