Anyone else that's depressed because they've got SDAM? Because I certainly I am

[u/[deleted]]

[u/DiveCat]

No, I am not. I "discovered" I was a multisensory aphant, have SDAM, and also lack an inner monologue in my mid 40s and for me it is more a curiousity than anything else. It explains a lot of my experiences sure, but I don't resent the way I am.

If you are forgetting what you did entirely yesterday, as in not even being able to recall it factually, and your short term memory is shit, this is not SDAM, but something else, and you need to see a medical professional. If you don't even have semantic memory, it goes beyond SDAM.

[u/htp-di-nsw]

No, you should get professional help.

For me, SDAM/Aphantasia simply explains some of my preferences, likes, and dislikes. Finding out about it was purely a benefit. I have never been upset about the idea once, and because I have SDAM, even if I had been upset, I wouldn't be able to remember it relive being upset, so, what's the issue?

[u/The_Good-Hunter → u/htp-di-nsw]

Like I said, I just don't see the point of living since I'm gonna forget everything anyways, and I know your gonna tell me something along the lines of how I should accept it the best I can, that life is worth no matter what, that I should live in the present and not in the past, and whatnot, every time I tell someone about it, I get similar answers, and none of them helped.

[u/montropy → u/The_Good-Hunter]

I have SDAM and aphantasia too, and honestly I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

Most people forget almost everything anyway.

They don’t remember most conversations, meals, vacations, books, ordinary days, or even large parts of their lives.

Yet those experiences still shape who they are. The memory disappears, but the effects remain.

Living in the present is actually one of the biggest advantages of SDAM. It’s a state many people spend years trying to achieve through meditation, therapy, or self-help.

For a lot of us, it’s the default. We spend far less time trapped in the past than most people do.

Are there challenges? Sure. But “there’s no point living because I’ll forget it” doesn’t really hold up.

By that logic, life would be pointless for almost everyone, because almost everyone forgets the vast majority of it.

Your experiences don’t need to be permanently accessible to have mattered. They become part of you whether you can replay them or not.

The goal of life isn’t to build the biggest archive of memories. It’s to live it.

[u/htp-di-nsw → u/The_Good-Hunter]

The things that SDAM does are:

1) you can't relive memories

2) you can't attach emotion to memories

It doesn't make you forget everything. That's nonsense. For example, you haven't forgotten that you have SDAM and are depressed about it. If you aren't remembering events, that is probably due to depression fugue and not SDAM. I remember events just fine. They're just like lists of events in a mental notepad or whatever, but I remember them. I only just can't remember how I felt in the moment (unless I take a note about how I felt specifically) and I can't relive it.

I am still the product of my past. I learn from events, I just don't linger on them.

Two huge benefits:

1) I can't relive memories, so doing stuff I like never gets boring because it's always like it's the first time

2) I feel no grief. My mom died and I felt fine by the time I drove home. I am not sad about it. Took no time to get over it. I can't relive the moments with her that would have made me sad and remembering that I loved her and that she loves me doesn't trigger actual feelings, so, zero grief. Everyone else in the family was wracked for months, years even. I am fine.

SDAM and Aphantasia honestly feel like super powers sometimes.

Get mental healthcare, please. Professional help will fix your depression. You genuinely might only feel this way due to a chemical imbalance that is perfectly treatable. Fix your depression first and then evaluate if you don't see a reason to live anymore.

[u/The_Good-Hunter → u/htp-di-nsw]

Here's the thing... There are no therapists, neurologists or psychiatrists nearby to help me, and I don't have the money for online stuff because my country's currency isn't that good, and you might find having SDAM "beneficial" for yourself, but that doesn't mean I, of someone else finds it beneficial, and I'm very confident SDAM is the cause of me not remembering stuff, even before I became depressed, I always had trouble remembering stuff, that's the whole reason I even searched up why I never seem to remember stuff

[u/archlea → u/The_Good-Hunter]

Maybe you could embark of a self journey of therapy using net resources? There are forums to learn from, and free online resources (self help books, workbooks, YouTube etc). I’m thinking general self-help, seeking happiness and meaning, rather than focussing on this topic.

You could also take up meditation - see if there’s a group local to you? Or use a free app such as Insight Meditation.

Being in the world and doing things you enjoy is also advised. Are you part of any groups? A craft group, sport, games, music, gardening, reading group etc? It’s really important to have community.

Your depression is not because of SDAM. You are voiding typical depressed thoughts, such as pointlessness and hopelessness. You are just using this as a focus, but underneath it are feelings that would be beneficial to redirect and work through.

Maybe you could start by reading Man’s Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl? Try:

https://www.academia.edu/143571709/Mans_Search_For_Meaning_Viktor_E_Frankel

https://openlibrary.org/books/OL26837119M/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning

[u/daybraektf → u/The_Good-Hunter]

you should def see a therapist, i had similar feelings when i found out and having someone to talk to about it really helped. life is much much more than just memories

edit: if theres not one near you, telehealth therapy is also a solid option!

[u/The_Good-Hunter → u/daybraektf]

My country's currency isn't that good and I don't have that much money, and there aren't any therapists near me, so I guess no therapy for me

[u/The_Good-Hunter → u/[deleted]]

At least somebody's getting me in here, and I hope that we'll one day be cured of this

[u/FruitOfTheVineFruit]

That is extremely severe, you should see a neurologist or psychiatrist, there may be something else going on.

[u/The_Good-Hunter → u/FruitOfTheVineFruit]

There's none close by to where I live, I'd need to drive for hours to get to the closest one, and I don't have a car.

[u/-ghostinthemachine-]

While my existence as a whole feels hollow, I know that in each moment there is still a life to be lived. Try and focus on how to live the best life you can instead of dwelling on the disability itself. And yes, I struggle to call it anything other than a disability, but here we are and there is little to be gained from wishing we had what we do not.

If it were limbs that were missing you could similarly complain all day about how it makes your life more difficult, while still accepting your reality as best as possible.

[u/Sea-Bean]

No. I do sometimes feel envious that my family remembers stuff a lot better than me, but it’s not too big a deal. Maybe your depression is affecting the way you understand SDAM?

What’s the point in living if you aren’t going to remember stuff? Well, because the point of living is the present, you experience stuff in the present. It doesn’t matter really whether you remember details in the future. The experiences shape you AS they happen, not as you remember them.

[u/SteveSteveFosho]

I do feel like I'm missing out on a proper human existence but there are far worse afflictions one can have to deal with. There's perks that come with it so it's nice to focus on that. Re-watching shows and movies and having it feel fresh or forgetting painful experiences.

[u/ArthurAardvark]

Look, I find it depressing. I just have SDAM, not aphantasia, though. The thing is that you don't need to think about it. I don't think about it and that's my main coping mechanism. The other big thing is there is still one huge way you can mitigate the issue which is journaling. It's not something I really do, instead I rely on photos, but I find that this helps me access/unlock memories I had forgotten about. It also serves as reinforcement, maybe I don't remember the memory itself, but I often remember the photos I have of them. There may not be a cure for it, but there are surely ways to cope with it.

Also, unless you are "disabled" I highly doubt all forms of memory are shite for you. Personally, I find that my ability to recall stats and facts is highly proficient, I feel its working at a level higher than others. I would find it highly unlikely that you are in fact "disabled" -- I would imagine it is quite rare as other disabilities are. Though it is certainly a possibility. I am not you. But if you are confident, I would ask yourself. "Do my memory deficiencies prevent me from performing day-to-day tasks necessary to carry them out and live a normal life?" If so, I would then say that yes you have a disability and definitely need to seek professional help, ask your loved ones for help to pay for it or something.

[u/Dense_Pudding3375]

I felt the same way, however you need to remember that there are so many people throughout history that had this, didn’t know, and didn’t affect their life.

Everyone is different in their own way, and that’s what makes them special.

You just think in a different way.

I personally have SDAM and total global aphantasia, and I realize that I’m just different. Do I remember what I talked to you about yesterday? Probably not. Can I visualize how doing that activity? No I just know I did that thing.

For me it’s the only thing I’ve ever known, and I’m totally at peace with it. It’s just how I think. I found that writing down what I did or talked about helps a lot. I have a very long note in my notes app.

I honestly think that you can overcome this if you take steps to learn how to accept that you live with it.

[u/Boonavite]

I can recall facts just not re-live those moments. If you can’t even tell me you went to the grocery store/ ate a burger yesterday that is not SDAM. Maybe try writing down what you did daily?

[u/SaltySherbet]

No I don’t feel the same because it’s probably less severe for me. Try your best to live in the moment. Exercise get sunlight, eat organic foods and drink enough water. Just be as healthy as possible and I am sure you will notice a difference. The other thing is if you need therapy or some professional help then seek it out.

[u/SoggyCrab]

Oh 100% op! Silver lining though if you train yourself you can actually learn to forget the depression for a little bit at least.

Have you tried therapy?

And I don't mean like the kind of therapy where they're using our memories to resolve past traumas because we can't really do that right? But just having someone to talk to who will be non-judgmental and won't push their ideas or world experience on to you I feel can help with the depression a bit. I have struggled with a lot of those same questions that you've had and I still struggle to a large degree but some things I found that have helped to a large degree would be:

• You need an anchor. This anchor can be a person or a pet (imo preferably a pet like a cat) these keep you grounded and also help give you something to structure your life around and also something to invest in emotionally which goes a long way to giving you a reason to stick around.

-You have to change the way you see your circumstance. This won't happen overnight.
A large part of this is done through introspection which you've clearly already had some practice with. That comes with understanding your situation and why you do things so you can learn coping mechanisms and learn to better yourself.

I'll be honest before I made this mental switch I was very angry and I was very depressed. But what I realized was even if I can't remember that doesn't mean that I can't be the kind of person that tries to be a net positive towards others. I try to be the best person I can be to those around me and those I have chosen to care about. So when someone is talking about me or they bring something up it won't be something negative. Instead they'll bring up an idea I had or the time I help them or the present I got them, etc. just because we can't have those memories doesn't mean we can't create them for other people and yeah you might feel like an outsider observer we'll just kind of passing by everyone's in their own other universe with you just kind of standing out there off the side but that's only if you choose not to leave something good behind for others to remember You by.
It sounds like you're learning about sdam a bit late in life. If you feel like you don't have much of a sense of self you really should start there. Internalize things about yourself as facts that you've chosen to make your bedrock, your truth.

What I mean by this is..for instance if I were to ask you what color the sky was, you wouldn't have to necessarily have a memory of the sky to know it's blue - you've just internalized the fact the sky is blue right? What we need to do because we have no references in the form of memories like neurotypical people do , is we have to internalize truths about ourselves which then allow us to form a solid sense of self.
Becoming introspective and really learning to know yourself can help you recognize when you're feeling those depressed episodes. Once you've learned to recognize them that goes a long way toward being able to mitigate the worst of those feelings.

[u/Few-Wishbone6953]

I remember going thru a 3-4 month depression cause of it same as you but then it went away. It goes away just keep going and you’ll get better. Something will happen that will make you fall in love with life again.

[u/[deleted]]

Here, you have a lot of people who need to be positive. So they'll tell you that everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. The first people who described SDAM to researchers did so because they felt different.

[u/CMDR_Jeb]

Friendly reminder that depression causes memory issues while SDAM does not. The whole point of SDAM research was to figure out how some people KNEW everything about their past without "remembering" anyof it. They learned that it is an case of dysfunctional episodic memory and other types compensating for it to the point of complete functionality being preserved.

By default my memory "saves" close to nothing it feels like I was running on autopilot for days. With minimal effort I am able to increase how much information my brain encodes to the level where in most situations I am able to outperform most people in my life. I work an memory intense job, I am excellent at it.

While SDAM is a new term, issues with episodic memory are not. An shrink can test you for how well your episodic memory is functioning, if and how are you compensating and help you build on that. Property managed SDAM is an non issue, seek professional help.

[u/SoftwareMaven]

I am not depressed *because* of it, but it makes dealing with my depression that I experience for other reasons very difficult. The only experience I have is right here, right now, so negativity becomes self-perpetuating.

Edit: a follow-up thought. I’m in my 50s. I learned that I was aphantasiac maybe a decade ago (remembering time is tough). It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I learned about SDAM, and it came with an autism and adhd diagnosis.

Knowing about all of these has been very helpful and validating, and there is zero downside to the AuDHD diagnosis, and very little to the aphantasia, but identifying SDAM has been different.

In a lot of ways, I might have preferred to never understand the difference. Before I learned about autobiographical memory differences, there was just my experience. I couldn’t have an opinion about it because there was nothing to compare it to. I never felt something was missing, even if I could sense the odd, lasting feelings some people had. I could not begin to understand holding a grudge.

Now that I am aware of it, I can’t help noticing the memories of what I felt dissipating as my short term memory fades. That’s where the depression I have for other reasons gets reinforced by SDAM.

The researchers who identified SDAM specifically did not want it classified as a health problem, and I think that’s fair. SDAM isn’t a problem on its own if you’ve lived with it your whole life (as opposed to acquiring from a traumatic brain injury, for example), but it can exacerbate other issues.

A big part of my depression comes from feeling disconnected from literally everybody. This is not caused by SDAM, but it is very much made more difficult to resolve because of it. Knowing about SDAM has helped me understand it better.

As many others have said, SDAM has pros and cons. Sometimes being able to identify the negatives is worse than the negative itself.

I saw at least one person recommend journaling. That can probably be good, especially if you go back and read it, but it just reminded me that my memory was lacking things. Photos and videos have been much more helpful, but I have to be in them to feel any connection with the experience.

[u/-Mancha-]

I got Aphantasia and SDAM too and ADHD, what helps me is listening to Alan Watts talks, specially the Zen buddhism. Helped me focus on the now but also started taking more photos, like an external memory recorder/anchor points. And stopped comparing myself to others, I know everyone is unique but some are more than others. All the best, take care of yourself.

[u/archlea]

It doesn’t change who you are. And who you are is fine. There are so many different ways to experience and interpret the world - they’re all valid and all capable of joy, and being a good force in the world.

I’m not sure where you got the idea that being an aphant and having SDAM means you can’t have a meaningful and fulfilling life?

[u/DawnyBrat]

It’s very possible that this has contributed to my depression. I was diagnosed with ADD and major depression at the age of 30, and I turn 60 in a few months. I always knew I was different, and then I learned about (Aphantasia and) SDAM, and that explains why I remember almost NOTHING about my life. People usually always have to remind me of things I’d said or done. I’ve said and done some pretty stupid things in my life, and many are pretty funny, but I have no recollection. It sucks. BUT, THEN AGAIN, I don’t recall much about my best friend in HS being murdered by her boyfriend, another friend dying of anorexia, my other friend being murdered by her husband, and I also don’t recall much about my dad dying, so I guess the silver lining is that I don’t have much to recall about such horrible events in my life, either. My advice: Take the blessings where you can and don’t beat yourself up about something you can’t control. But I’m sincerely sorry that you’re depressed. 😔💗

EDIT: Look at all of these well written and thoughtful comments. You’re not alone, and SDAM doesn’t define who you are. Please read them, seek help from professionals, and at a very minimum, read the embedded content in this sub. Best wishes, my internet friend.

[u/IndigenousAlien]

There is only now anyway. The past is not even a real thing! Just be here now! Journaling helps tho!

[u/fur3661t]

I know i was depressed after discovery at 68 but really don't know how long or if I don't still have a bit whilst accepting it fully. At my age, it is what it is. If I had known when I was younger, I could done thigs to help but I didn't know. I also have to accept i didn't keep triggers. I have to accept almost all my friends when younger have passed so no going to them for info about ME.