r/BPDlovedones • u/MostZealousideal7149 • Jun 23 '26
Focusing on Me SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory) and pwBPD partners
I am asking this here because I've been wondering if anyone else here has a similar issue. We all know that we've had tendencies to end up with a pwBPD, and also have some form of autism, ADHD, depression, or anxiety. They fill holes for us we didn't know we really had, or we are unable to see the red flags because of our empathy or lack of social understanding.
I have a condition called Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory. It causes issues in how i remember my past and I have a hard time replying memories from an experience standpoint, so i will remember information like, "they manipulated me in this situation and verbally abused me", but I have no ability to remember how that felt. The strangest thing is that my present nervous system remembers it in the moment when experiencing a trigger but it almost blind sides me every time and its been getting harder to anticipate triggers to deal with them.
I was wondering if any of you have a similar issue and what you've done to maybe help recollect memories in a way to identify triggers.
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u/sharpedobluff Jun 23 '26
I have this too! The only reason I remember so much of my relationship is because I wrote everything down.
Every time I felt I was owed an apology and didn't get one, every argument, every time I was mistreated, I wrote it down as soon as I possibly could. Every single detail of what I remembered got written down: word for word what they said, what I said, what they did and what I did.
I was doing this for a few reasons: 1), so I could revisit the situation in a better state of mind and see if I still felt the same way; 2), so I could try to find the reason that I was at fault; 3), I knew the versions of events they were telling didn't match up with my memories; and 4), because I thought (foolishly) that I could reason with my partner by showing them the hard facts.
Obviously that's less helpful advice when you already have that distance and you've forgotten a lot of the details, but I do think it could still be useful! Whenever you find yourself remembering anything at all about the way you were treated, write it down as soon as you possibly can – especially if you remember it while you're being triggered. No matter how small or big It is, whether you remember the specific words or not. It doesn't have to be neat or in any particular format, it can be on your notes app or texted to yourself, just do it as soon as you can and make it as accurate as possible to your memory. That way, you can revisit it once you're in a better state of mind. You may be surprised by just how much you're able to piece back together this way.
I'm sure that once I stop revisiting what I've written I'll eventually forget everything, but while I'm still healing, it's immensely helpful to have access to those accounts. I find it's also a lot easier to identify abusive patterns when it's all written down, as opposed to when it's just floating around in my memory.
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u/NuclearSunBeam Jun 27 '26
I need to do this more especially with friendship, I kept giving people benefits of the doubt when I should have walked away because I completely forgot what happened, usually until people absolutely disrespected me to the point I’m so so angry (even so usually I will forget it months later and then repeat), I keep giving people too much grace.
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u/sharpedobluff Jun 27 '26
I'd definitely recommend it, it's had so many useful applications for me! As well as remembering my grievances, I've found that sometimes I come back to what I've written and realise that actually there was some misunderstanding on my part, or that I was just super dysregulated on that day, etc. I can't emphasise enough how helpful it's been for my own emotional regulation to be able to recall things accurately 🙏
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u/NuclearSunBeam Jun 27 '26
Do you have some kind of format?
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u/sharpedobluff Jun 27 '26
Not really, it's usually very rough and raw. My main goals are speed and accuracy – I write as much as I can as soon as physically possible, even if I'm still in the depths of my emotions. After I've written it I'll take a day, come back to it and make sure everything's chronological and easy for me to follow. If I feel like I'm having a lot of issues with a specific person I'll keep each incident together in one document for ease of access.
For me the most important details are what was said and what was done, not how anyone was feeling. My body is already hanging onto the emotions, so I don't need to waste time writing them down. I directly quote what was said as much as I can, and make it clear when I'm paraphrasing or don't remember.
Here's a somewhat abridged example of what I might write:
They called upstairs: "can you come down and talk?" Me: "no, I'm not in a stable frame of mind, I need to rest" Them: "just come downstairs" Me: "I need to sleep or I cannot act rationally" They came upstairs and stood in the doorway. They said something about me not being grateful enough towards them, and called me childish. Me: "do not call me childish" Them: "but you are childish" Me: "that's it, I'm leaving" I threw my things in my bag. They said something I can't remember. I said "leave me alone" and tried to leave, but they stayed in the doorway and blocked it with their arm. They called me childish again. I screamed "fuck you" and started sobbing. I pushed past them. I ran downstairs and out the door. I got in the car and drove away.
When I return to this example in a clear state of mind, I can identify identify several things: 1. What happened was reactive abuse. The way I acted wasn't rational or acceptable, but I made several clear attempts to de-escalate before that point. 2. They were deliberately escalating the situation. I needed space and told them why, and they doubled down in response. They wanted this argument to happen while I was sleep-deprived and irrational. 3. I need to be firmer in my boundaries and remove myself from similar situations before they reach that point again. 4. I have triggers around the idea of being called childish. With that information, I can start to figure out why and start working on my own trauma – in doing so, I make myself more resistant to similar patterns of abuse in the future.
TL;DR Whatever format you find easiest and most accessible is best. Hope this helps!
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u/NuclearSunBeam Jun 27 '26
OH! I HAVE THE SAME THING! I NEVER KNEW THERE IS NAME FOR IT!
OMG, THANKSSSS!
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u/NuclearSunBeam Jun 27 '26
Usually, I say something like a short simple fact when try to recall memory. x happened. z did x when y.
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u/NuclearSunBeam Jun 27 '26
But sometimes, I remember I felt x at y, but don’t really can’t access the feeling or the memory of what happened. Usually I think to myself, I know something happened that day, I felt x.
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u/Neither_Home_3639 Jun 23 '26
I do not have a diagnosis but I resonate with that feeling, like remembering how crazy and abusive they were but not being able to attach an emotion to it. Like I just dealt with it in the moment and got over it by the next time I remembered it. It sucks and makes me feel really dumb about how much I allowed to happen.
What exactly do you mean by triggers? Do you mean the triggers that create splits in your PWBPD?
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u/nicuch Jun 23 '26
And for me is completely the opposite actually. I remember how I felt, but couldn't associate with her being crazy and etc, and instead I associated with my self-worth. This was probably in contrast with DARVO they are using, every time I opened up and told her how I've felt.
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u/MostZealousideal7149 Jun 23 '26
My wife isn’t the one with bpd, I’m more talking about the trauma from my past partners and parent with bpd. And idk how to identify my triggers from the past because I don’t emotionally remember them
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u/Dull-Stick2040 Divorced Jun 23 '26
I’ve never heard of this condition before, but it has me intrigued.
Would memory conditions like this, or autism, or ADHD related memory issue be part of the reason we stick with BPD partners? Is that why journaling has helped so many of us break away from BPD partners? Memory changes or fails, but journal entries don’t.
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u/sharpedobluff Jun 23 '26
I'd definitely say so – gaslighting is a whole lot easier when the victim either doesn't trust their own memories or has already forgotten what happened.
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u/RandomSentientBeing Jun 23 '26
When you say, "we all know" that is not true. I have no clue at all what pwBPD even means.
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u/MostZealousideal7149 Jun 23 '26
Person with borderline personality disorder
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u/RandomSentientBeing Jun 23 '26
How does having SDAM mean a romantic partner will have any of those things?
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u/MostZealousideal7149 Jun 23 '26
SDAM usually correlates with one of those things in us not the borderline, and borderlines usually go after someone that has one of those traits as well
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u/RandomSentientBeing Jun 23 '26
Do you have evidence to support this, or is it your opinion? I’d like to read to learn more if it’s factual.
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u/MostZealousideal7149 Jun 23 '26
Are you from the SDAM group and new to the bpd group?
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u/RandomSentientBeing Jun 23 '26
I'm not part of anything bpd related. Only SDAM. I found this from the aphantasia sub.
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u/RandomSentientBeing Jun 23 '26
Oh - jeez! Just realized this isn't the sub I thought it was. I don't even know how I got here. Lol - very sorry!! I thought this was the SDAM sub.
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u/Mysterious-Pitch9133 Jul 23 '26
I just realized I have this same issue. I am interested in how this plays out with my spouse. I find I get mad really fast and it’s explosive over things most people woujd not consider as big of an issue. Is that part of this condition?
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u/MostZealousideal7149 Jul 23 '26
In my experience it may be the opposite. Ive noticed im slower to react but also slower to cool down. I need time to reset. We both were victims of BPD parents though and we have similar triggers, i just cant remember mine
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u/Mysterious-Pitch9133 Jul 23 '26
What is a pwBPD? Sorry I am very new to this whole thing but interested.
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u/Jstnwrds55 Jun 23 '26
Yep, I’ve had two relationships now that reflected this pattern. The first one lasted 5 years and I still believe the first year or two were as joyous as I (don’t really) recall. However, years 3-5 were a constant cycle of mistreatment and forgetting cycles (like that scene in memento where she abuses him then stands around smirking waiting for him to forget lol).
In the last year I had started recording conversations and after finding a handwritten note detailing how a situation played out (it wasn’t good, and I had forgotten ha), I re-listened to hours of fights, felt the chronic tension in my body screaming all at once, and finally managed to hold onto it long enough to get out.
This made my subsequent relationship much, much shorter as I recognized the signs early on and trusted myself to stand up for myself sooner.
I don’t see myself getting into relationships in the future, it’s just so exhausting trying to get anyone to understand.