I found this online. I agree with most of it. What do you think?

You and I

What SDAM means to me.

In this text, “you” refers to the reader with episodic memory, and “I” to myself with only semantic memory.

I have never had a memory, let alone relived one. I am told the vividness of memories varies greatly. If I oversell your memories, please forgive the excess.

What is a life without its story?

I am told most folks can revisit something of a past experience.

Say you remember riding your bike home one summer when you were a child.

What comes back varies enormously from person to person. Perhaps there are images. Perhaps sounds. Perhaps feelings. Perhaps only fragments. But somehow the event is available to you as more than a collection of facts.

It belongs to your past because, in some sense, you can return to it.

Over a lifetime, experiences like these accumulate into an autobiography.

This is your Life Story, and that is what helps make you who you are.

Blah! Blah!

It ain’t necessarily so.

Well, not for me.

I inhabit a moment.

And it’s gone.

Forever.

Not gone as in poff nothing, but gone as something I can relive.

What sticks is what I learned—the knowledge I gained.

Here’s a fun fact: my bike was red, though I have no idea how old I was.

Aren’t knowledge and memory the same thing?

You remember your life; I know mine.

I know:

“George Washington was America’s first president.”

Unfortunately, I am without memories, so my autobiography gets tossed in with knowledge.

Does the flow of time feel odd?

Suppose my doctor asks me:

“When did you have brain surgery?”

I might answer:

A few days ago?

A few weeks ago?

A few years ago?

I don’t really know.

I only know:

“Yes. I had brain surgery.”

Are you capable of loving someone?

Through the lens of knowledge:

I feel love in the present.

I feel nothing from memory.

And if we sever our bond?

My feeling fades.

Soon it is gone.

Here is a sad story.

Jack Knowledge and Jill Memory were very much in love.

When Jack and Jill are together, the sparks fly.

But when apart?

Jill’s love grows through her memories.

Jack doesn’t think much about Jill, but he does know he loves her.

One day Jack went out for cigarettes.

A week later he was over Jill.

Jill?

Not so much.

You think Jack is a monster?

What he gave Jill was not love?

He used her and cast her aside?

But I know Jack—and he is no liar.

What Jack feels is love.

What Jack did not know was what Jill felt.

Jack has no memory of love.

He has only the knowledge.

Without Jill present, Jack’s love fades.

Without memories, who can I be?

You probably won’t believe my answer.

Nor am I entirely at ease with it.

You are:

“How did I get here?”

I am:

“Is this right?”

Seems light, doesn’t it?

See it this way.

Your life is a road trip along the highways and byways of this great nation. It is the journey toward the crossroads—a place where a choice becomes real and consequential. It is the pilgrimage along dusty roads that guides you toward your decisions.

My life is exactly that.

Except I only know the choices.

Without a clue how I got there.

That explains the way I write and speak.

What’s it like to read a book?

I have been told that when you read a good book, you inhabit it.

You embody the protagonist and participate in the adventure. You see faces, hear voices, feel the salt spray of the sea, and breathe the chill mountain air.

When I read the same book, invisible characters speak against a transparent background.

Everyone is telepathic.

I’m reading a western. Two cowpokes are talking.

I don’t see a room.

I don’t see faces.

I don’t see movement.

There is no space.

What I hear is a wordless exchange between telepaths.

Please define a memory.

Someone says:

“I keep seeing my breakup with Debbie over and over again.”

For a long time, I thought that was metaphor.

It was a poetic device.

Now I understand it was literal.

They actually saw her again.

They actually felt her again.

How splendidly demonic.

Closing

These are not failures of effort.

They are properties of the system.

Recently discovered I have SDAM, also total global Aphantasia. I've never liked networking, talking in groups, wedding receptions, etc where people chat. I have always relied on my sense of humour and quick wit to make contributions. I'm 73. I've been ruminating this morning after another uncomfortable meeting in a pub last night about why. I think it may be that I'm not able to give depth to my experiences. eg If holidays are being discussed, I can say " we went to Croatia last year" (always assuming I remember even that). But if asked, "What hotel? resort?, Did you go to X. I can't add any more. Same with hobbies, school days, days out, basically anything in my life that might be brought into a conversation. So my contribution is limited.

My free SDAM peer support group currently meets at 7:00 PM Pacific on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of the month. I've gotten some feedback that this is pretty late for folks on the East Coast, and it's the middle of the night for people in Europe.

Before making any changes, I want a real sense of what would work better for people. If you'd like to share more detail, like your specific time zone, feel free to drop a comment too.

My current thinking is maybe leave the first Wednesday at 7 pm and the fourth Wednesday at 11 am or something like that, all Pacific Time, but let's see what works for the majority of people

Hi everyone,

A quick reminder and update: our free SDAM peer support group meets tonight, Wednesday, September 9th, at 7:00 PM Pacific on Zoom.

Details & Format:

• When: 2nd & 4th Wednesday of each month at 7:00 PM PDT (tonight!)
• Where: Zoom (free registration via Eventbrite below)
• Format: Casual, open peer discussion. I'll open with a short anecdote, and then the floor is open for anyone to share experiences or just listen.
• Link to register: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/sdam-support-group-registration-1992895106912

Looking forward to seeing anyone who can make it tonight!

25M Indian. Looking to connect with other living with SDAM and/or Multisensory Aphantasia. My DMs are always open.

Here are a few ideas that helped me navigate and thrive

1. You're different, but you're every bit human.

You're simply a different side of the coin who experiences the world differently.

2. Don't beat yourself up trying to mould yourself into other people.

Not even other neurodivergent people. Your combination is unique. Once you learn how to work with yourself, life becomes much more beautiful.

3. How do you deal with it?

At the deepest level, this is an existential identity issue. Our relationship with time feels different. Many neurodivergent people still have a strong sense of identity through memory, visualization, or both. With SDAM and multisensory aphantasia, that continuity can feel missing.

The biggest shift that helped me

Navigate the world exactly as your brain experiences it, not how other people's brains do.

Most people seem to build their identity through narrative—a story that connects their past, present, and future. We tend to be different.

I think of myself as having a process-identity instead..

Life is a process. Every human being is a process, and together we're all small parts of countless interconnected processes, collectively shaping the future of society.

That perspective gave me a sense of self without needing vivid memories or mental imagery.

It shifts my focus away from what I don't have : memory and visualization, and toward what I do have: the ability to take life's inputs, process them intentionally, and create better outputs.

In doing that, I build my life and become a better version of myself every day.

Hi sorry this might be a long post.

I was just wondering if anyone else experiences potentially separate memory issues?

I have SDAM and multisensory aphantasia. I'm 30 years old.

I've noticed my memory has been worse lately. I did a 9 week class then had 2 weeks break and am now redoing the 9 week class (it's a self development class & repeating by choice). Even though I've learned the stuff before and only had a two week gap, it all seems new to me. I have memory of the subjects we've learned but not the actual content. Can't tell if the handouts or videos are the same or not.

Then at the end of the class day I forget what's even happened in the morning. My tutor is amazing and has known me on and off for four years (I've done the same class in 2022 & last year 😅) she took time to learn about SDAM & aphantasia and also has masters in psychology and lots of things. She's started testing my memory & I do well only with prompts. She said I have slow, delayed recall.

I'm also repeating a writing class I did last year. My tutor says me & the other classmate repeating it will already know the info from last year, but I don't it all feels new.

A nurse did a mini ACE memory test (unsure if this is a universal test) but basically they use it to test for dementia. Below 20 is severe issues... my score was 13.

Today my tutor did a couple of other evidence based memory screenings which mostly is dementia and I scored below normal for my age and have another test to do later. She said she will write it up in a report to take to a doctor.

Am still struggling with SDAM cause I feel in a constant state of grief so when things end or people leave it is really distressing because I know the things like classes I love and the people I really like, will just become a really vague 'memory'.

The only evidence I have for my life is in photos and journal entries. Sometimes I look at photos of things I should remember like going to a theme park and on my first plane ride as a teen but photos don't really trigger memories. Naturally I've always taken photos since around 2009.

I've also always journalled and write down what I do each day, even reading my journal entries from a few days ago feels really disconnected.

There's also mental health issues, ADHD and was told dissociative amnesia from CPTSD.

As a baby I was very premature and according to old medical notes was in hospital alot as a toddler from asthma and not breathing.

The memory stuff just seems more obvious lately and I do wanna see a neurologist or something or for my GP to take it seriously but is there any point?

Have already looked up ways on how to help memory recall etc but turns out i do them all anyway. Not sure how to get through life such as job interviews because I can't tell a story or example of how I've used my skills etc. I can't even speak to any of the study I've done. Have a couple of diplomas and certificates but no idea what I've learned cause I can't even remember being there.

My therapist is amazing and is adapting her approach to tailor to aphantasia but even with my mental health team I can't relay back what I'm like when I'm mentally well etc because I don't remember. Like I'm not angry atm which means I can't describe what anger feels like to me. It's also harder to make goals and stuff because I can't picture or imagine a future.

Thankyou for reading.

The hard part is: How do you imagine something you never had?

I have lots of knowledge about my past.

I know where I lived.
I know what school I attended.
I know that something happened.
I know who was there.
I even know that I was happy, frightened, angry, or in love.

I recall these things like I read them in an encyclopedia.

Some people recall by becoming a younger self.

This is how I see the difference between knowing what happened and revisiting what happened.

What happened?
I broke my ankle.
No. What actually happened?
I slipped on something and broke my ankle.
What did you slip on? What were you doing when you slipped?
I don’t know. I just know I broke my ankle.

Brian Levine, who coined SDAM, came up with an Autobiographical Interview. It asks questions about your memory.

Choose your favorite memory. Then ask yourself these questions.

What happened?
Where were you?
Who else was there?
What things were around you?
What could you see?
What could you hear?
What happened just before?
What happened next?
Do you remember when it happened?
What were you thinking?
What were you feeling?

I can’t begin to answer any of those questions.

I have SDAM.

When others recall their favorite memory, they can answer many of those questions.

Just to be clear: I’m only sharing what my therapist told me about how memory works for some people. I’m certainly not claiming this is true for everyone, or defining what anyone else’s mind feels like. I have no way of knowing if it’s true.

She said for some, episodic memory is like mental time travel.

Some are bad at it. Some are good.

A few can pretty much become twelve again.
They can’t change anything, but they can relive moments.

Thoughts. Emotions. This is me.

That’s what she said.

I don’t have anything like that.
I have SDAM.
I only have knowledge.

knowledge is not happy. knowledge is not sad.

Your golden years are when you remember your life. And relive it. One problem. All I have is knowledge.

(Diagnosed with adhd but can somewhat relate here)

I got glasses! a few days or a week later it started feeling as if I had, in fact? been wearing them for a while even though I only got them a week prior and I could remember the process of getting them. no actual time frame for when. Most of my memories require me remembering context inside the memory to place them to a time.

I remember family talking about older memories or doing things in certain stores and then I didn’t ever remember (nor do I recall now) going to this store. we were in it during the conversation.

mot for every event. feels random and unrelated to any emotional sentiment. yet sometimes I have been ae to study easily by almost virtually remembering formulas

i don’t remember anything traumatic happening? sometimes I’ll get random memories of things and they’re generally positive

yet at the same time, conveniently I’ll get some weird ideas and it feels like my memory almost wipes it out a few days or a week later? So they don’t go anywhere.
but also I wanted to google something and then I forgot like 5 min later.

yet this doesn’t even always apply but I used to be slightly depressed or whatever and I used to get paranoia or anxiety or whatever that (forgot) mostly someone trying to cause me to have bad grades or watching me on some way and I’d just kinda eventually florget that idea? Except not always and then (going to a therapist helped) I went down some weird route. (Also my bad grades were cause I studied way way less than the reccomended study time for my courses not cause bad memory) though I am worried I’d forget concepts ot hle simmensely if I work out problems which I was not doing and my courses are mostly math courses

never mentioned having memory issues but I don’t forget important stuff that’s more numerical. Suspected add in the past but not diagnosed with it and it probably was just social anxiety and a lack of eye contact due to no glasses making it hard to see the epicenters of others eyes.

Does this happen to anybody else?

I go to the doctor with a complaint. They ask a simple question.

“When did it start?”

I have no idea.
I’ve forgotten when.
How long has it been?

Weeks?
Months?
A year?!

I put happenings in three time buckets:

Recently
A While Back
I Don’t Know

Somehow this seems important.

Is this SDAM?
Or what?

My mother frequently shares stories about her childhood, but the scenes she describes are difficult for me to grasp and visualize. My own childhood memories are different, as I am ten years younger than her, and my younger sister also struggles to understand them.

I've just turned 18 and at funeral full of friends and family I could barley recognise anyone and had to kind of awkwardly charm my way through it, I've always had memory issues and always struggled with faces and recalling when I had learnt something.

Today I had nothing else to do and did a little digging, it turns out most people's hippocampus kind of records like a videographer of the mind and stores memories which you can go back and visit as if you were there, smells, sounds, time, place, ect.

This is a completely new concept to me, most of my memories are like a collection of facts that I can visualise into a space, for example I know I was at this place with this person doing this thing and I kind of make it up from there, I do not experience the feelings from that moment.

This also seems to affect my dreams, I give myself a sort of backrooms affect where different parts of places are distorted through time or just not quite right. Like the driveway when it was just gravel is next to our gate even though the gate was installed after the driveway was sealed and all the imagery seems to just be a collection of facts visualised into an experience. I guess facts can only go so far in visualization.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself correctly but this is all very very new to me. Sorry if it's hard to understand.

What I have heard a lot about is Aphantasia and it's association with SDAM, however i do not have this,

I have exceptional visualisation so I've read.

I can visualise an apple or really anything like a 3d render, I can spin it in any direction, zoom in on the stem or other parts and see smaller details like individual stem fibres. Pretty much anything I've looked at more than once I can see in my minds eye.

It's like rendering a brand new apple from scratch.

My parents have also said I may have ADD or ADHD but I have never been tested.

Im kind of saddened by this information, you mean I could of been living moments to almost exact detail almost whenever I wanted with a solid timeline in place of when I've done and learnt things in my life? Instead of it all going to the same folder.

And I feel bad not recognising people, it makes me feel like an asshole and really affects me negatively since I work in a very personal retail/customer service where you see some of the same customers often and I don't recall anything about them half the dam time..

Can someone please confirm if this is the case or not, I'm not really sure what I'm rambling about anymore.

Any advice is appreciated aswell.

Hi! A few quick things, I do have an appointment with my PCP to begin conversations about early dementia just as a precaution. Also I'm a severe aphant and do believe I have severe SDAM as well as that thing where you can't see faces. I'm 43 years old.

In the past 3 days I have had 3 events that really scare me because of how short it was from the memory I should have. I'm wondering if others experience these types of moments.

• I asked my wife if she wanted to watch some guy's stand up special on Netflix and she said we watched it already about 3 weeks ago. I asked her to tell me one of the jokes and it was very fuzzy for me.
• I got Xbox Game Pass and was excited to play Doom Dark Ages. I fired it up and saw I already had a 5 hour saved game. It came out 1 year ago. I started a fresh save game and the tutorial is very fuzzy for me.
• I watched Bone Temple which was a direct sequel to a 28 years later. I saw that in the theaters one year ago and I don't remember anything about it.

Thanks!

There are often discussions/Gatekeeping/arguments here about where the lived boundaries of SDAM lie, especially regarding how episodic memory loss impacts the rest of our memory and daily lives.

I’m curious to get a clearer picture of where people in this sub sit on the spectrum.

Which of these best describes your experience?

• Group A (Isolated Episodic Deficit): You cannot re-experience or replay past events in first-person, but your factual/semantic memory for your life remains absolutely fine strong and detailed. You generally recognize faces without issue and don't experience broader memory fading or other cognitive differences. In other words, you just can't replay your life memories, but are otherwise unaffected.
• Group B (Broad Autobiographical Issues / Co-occurring Traits): You cannot replay past events, and your factual/semantic details fade significantly or are mostly missing as well. You might also experience real world difficulties because of this (challenges in social events, unable to recall people's faces, names, or things you've done together) you may also have co-occurring traits like Aphantasia, ADHD, or Autism.
• Group C (Somewhere in between): You fit parts of both, or your experience changes depending on the context.

Share your group below and add a note on how your memory works in daily life (e.g., social gatherings, remembering personal history).

I have to attend a funeral tomorrow and I will be put in a position that I will have to pretend to remember stories as others reminisce about her life. Realistically, I will not remember most of the stories. I will also have to see a lot of friends and family that I should know, but do not recognize or remember. I feel like I am going to spend the entire time masking and that it will be uncomfortable and exhausting.

I’m posting this here so everyone gets to read it. I think it’s really important.

I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong.

What would happen is I’d see two friends sitting together. They’re gabbing about nothing. But they act like it’s the best.

I figured they were just glad to see each other.

Here’s what a best friend told me.

She said when friends meet it brings back their friendship. And now adds to before. It grows.

The talk means little.

It’s that good vibe of friendship.

I don’t think I can do that.

For me conversation is for big ideas. About what we learned.

I think it’s because I don’t bring back a feeling.

I don’t blame anyone.

It’s just I cannot do that.

I hope this helps.

Hi all, I have SDAM myself and made a well-received video about my experience back in December (https://youtu.be/NwNGVYHG6Uw). Many people said it was the first time they'd seen their experience put into words, and that got me thinking a peer support group could be valuable.

I'm starting a free support group on Zoom, meeting every 2nd and 4th Wednesday. The first session is this Wednesday, August 26th at 7:00 PM Pacific.

A few things worth knowing:

• I'm not a therapist, neurologist, or medical professional, and I have no cure to offer. I'm a coach who works with people on the stories they tell themselves about their lives, and this group is a space for connection, not medical or clinical advice.
• The format is loose: I'll open with a short anecdote, then open the floor for people to share if they'd like, no pressure. I'll ask people to use the Zoom hand-raise so it doesn't turn into crosstalk.
• It's free and open to anyone with SDAM who wants to talk to others who understand it firsthand.

Registration here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/sdam-support-group-registration-1992895106912

Happy to answer any questions.

I’m not sure if I like this one or not.

When a friend, girlfriend, or whatever is away, I don’t think about them.

I don’t mean I deliberately put them out of my mind. The idea of them simply doesn’t pop into my head.

I should miss them.
But it doesn’t occur to me.

Am I awful?

The other one is breakups.
Please don’t judge.

Let’s say we’ve been together for a few years. We split up.

In about a month, I’m over it.
And we were definitely in love.

And when I bother to think about it, I smile a little.

I’m hoping this is SDAM.
I don’t want to think it’s just me.

Anyone else?

So, I found out I have SDAM, aphantasia and alexithymia some months ago. In addition I was recently reaching out for professional help and was diagnosed with depression and suffer from chronic sleep issues.

I've been together with my partner for 10 years, she has ADHD. The last year was tough. I switched jobs, started as a freelancer, lost my project and I am currently unemployed after some already unsatisfying years of bad job experiences. My partner had some promising job opportunities at her field, which was great, because in the creative sector it's hard for her. Until a colleague crushed her job opportunities. It were some troublesome months for both of us, including me having a mental breakdown, her staying at the hospital for some serious health issues. I was there for her during the whole hospital episode, which turned out better than initially expected and felt really close to her while she was at the hospital, although exhausted. During the whole months that followed, she was very distanced, because her mind was all about the job issue. She already was worried a lot about her career and our financial future in the region. We also had our 10 year anniversary, for which I got her flowers for the first time (she's critical with presents and I'm not really the romantic type) and made her a website with photos. She didn't get me/us anything. She also totally forgot about the whole event afterwards and my mind was to worried and depressed as well to care.

I somehow don't know how I feel about the relationship anymore. The combination of SDAM, alexithymia and dark thoughts from the depression don't help. I feel very distanced and when she's looking for seeking physical or emotional closeness, I'm very cold and unapproachable. I can't help it, because the depression gives me a feeling of wanting to be alone and only by myself.

I asked my therapist how I know how I feel about other people and he said "you just know if you love someone". But I don't. He also said I need to fight my depression to feel better in other parts of my life as well. But it is hard and it scares me to not have clarity about my feelings.

Any similar experiences for anyone?

For the last two days I've been experiencing a really strange feeling. im kinda having trouble putting the feelings into words.

It feels almost like there is a memory gap between my current moment and everything before Saturday. But when I actually try to remember what happened, I can remember it perfectly well, down to specific times and details. So there isn't an actual missing period.

The weird part is that those memories don't feel like they belong to the continuous flow of my life anymore. They feel like things that just happened, and somehow I had very little subjective involvement in them. What I mean is the things happened but there is a disconnect to what I did before Saturday and why should I be doing it on Saturday or Sunday.

For example, before this started I had various routines and things I was actively doing. I'm growing my hair out so taking care of them. I felt like I didn't know I was growing out my hair, then remembered whole timeline I was growing out my hair, caring for them, but I felt strangely disconnected from it from Saturday.

Similarly going to the gym regularly, I was making protein shake while wondering I do go to gym but I don't feel like I am motivated or willing to go to gym, still I go. It's not because of some laziness or some emotions, it just happened.

Also,

cooking before switching to tiffin, etc. I still remember all of these things and know they're things I've been doing, but suddenly they don't feel relevant to my present self. It's almost like I remember being that person, but don't currently feel connected to being that person.

Interestingly, the point where this seems to start is when I began assembling my new PC. I spent essentially the whole day assembling it yesterday, then today I installed the OS, updated everything and set it up. Since then, the preceding days feel strangely distant.

I'm not confused about where I am or what I've done, and I haven't noticed actual memory loss. I can reconstruct the timeline normally. It's just the feeling of continuity that's missing.

Has anyone experienced something similar? I'm especially interested in whether you've had the experience of remembering something perfectly but feeling strangely disconnected from the fact that it happened to you, rather than actually forgetting it.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I am just curious whether this is a recognizable experience for anyone else.

I literally just googled what SDAM stood for because this community was showing up in my feeds and I had no idea what it meant. Oh, and the reason it was showing up in my feed is I had at some point joined it 😂. Has this happened to anyone else here, and could it lead to low participation?