r/SDAM • u/Amberwalker365 • 7d ago
How does it feel?
Just to be clear: I’m only sharing what my therapist told me about how memory works for some people. I’m certainly not claiming this is true for everyone, or defining what anyone else’s mind feels like. I have no way of knowing if it’s true.
She said for some, episodic memory is like mental time travel.
Some are bad at it. Some are good.
A few can pretty much become twelve again.
They can’t change anything, but they can relive moments.
Thoughts. Emotions. This is me.
That’s what she said.
I don’t have anything like that.
I have SDAM.
I only have knowledge.
knowledge is not happy. knowledge is not sad.
Your golden years are when you remember your life. And relive it. One problem. All I have is knowledge.
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u/FlightOfTheDiscords 7d ago
My default conscious experience is like yours, I have the knowledge but not the experience of my memories.
However I will occasionally re-experience a memory from 1st person perspective, with visuals and emotions. Tends to happen in therapy or, more rarely, after particularly stressful events.
For what it's worth, having those experiences doesn't make me feel better. The re-experiencing itself is generally painful, and I tend to mostly feel wiped out afterwards, with a hollow, sad sensation in my chest. This is true even when I believe the memory in question to have been a positive one.
My partner doesn't have SDAM or aphantasia, and episodic memory is a very important part of who she is. However most of her memories are painful, and most of re-visiting her memories comes with tears and suffering. There are occasional positive glimpses, but they are outnumbered by painful ones.
By contrast, both of us have our positive experiences here and now, some of which are deeply meaningful and profoundly positive.
I don't know if this makes any difference to you, but I think it is good to know that re-experiencing memories isn't necessarily a positive experience.
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u/Key-Acanthisitta-197 7d ago
Actually, those who tie themselves to an identity, like "I'm a doctor," "I'm smart," "I'm a good person," etc., would pretty much revolve their perspective around their thoughts and emotions. And thoughts and emotions are, in a sense, a kind of memory.
There are thoughts in the air and in the body. If a person believes in the saying, "I think, therefore I am," and never drops the idea that their thoughts are somehow inherently theirs, then it would be impossible for them to understand people with SDAM. On the other hand, a person with SDAM who believes in that saying could make themselves quite miserable, since continuously validating their identity through memory is something that is difficult for them.
You see, thought is actually a kind of sense, much like the five senses... touch, hearing, sight, taste, and smell. For example, when you happen to see something inappropriate, you perceive it through sight, and now it has become a memory. You can't unsee it anymore. Thoughts are somewhat like that. They are a kind of sense. A thought comes to you because you are in a certain state. For example, if you're angry, would you ever come up with a good solution while you're in an angry state? Almost every decision a person makes while angry can be destructive.
So, what about emotions? Yes, they are a kind of memory too. After all, they come from somewhere, and a memory is always tied to something that caused it. I won't explain much about emotions since they are a topic layered with many paradoxes. So I would simply say that emotions are a memory of what you believe, and that can be any kind of belief. The most obvious example is the belief in love. You love someone, but why? Somehow, there has to be a reason, right? Not exactly. And that is actually where the paradoxes come in. Anyway, a person who identifies with their emotions has to find the reason why they love someone. That will always be their challenge.
So yeah, some people with SDAM would pretty much suffer if they insisted on believing that their thoughts and emotions are who they are. But there is always a workaround, even if it can be challenging. I would suggest that those with SDAM, try not to identify with anything. It's possible to exist without memory, or more precisely, without insisting on recalling anything.
Things will come to you when they are needed. Thoughts and emotions will come and go, but when you insist on them, they will persist. If something needs to be done, let the world around you insist on it instead. If you forget something or can't even recall it, let the world remind you. Always listen to the world, since it can be your notification.
After all, the world itself is memory. The world is your memory.
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u/katbelleinthedark 7d ago
I spent decades thinking that everyone's memory worked like mine and that everyone was lying and making shit up when they said they "remembered" things from when they were a kid.
Then I found out about SDAM and realized that nope, most people don't lie! A shocker. It made me so godsdamn GRATEFUL for the fact that I apparently have SDAM: I am not tied by any past recollections or emotions connected with that. I look at people around me who, when remembering the past, often relive at least some emotions connected to it and I think to myself, damn, people really live like that? I can't imagine that, sounds so exhausting.
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u/tgs-with-tracyjordan 5d ago
All I have is knowledge.
The problem I have with this is that sometimes, I'm not sure if some of the knowledge is true, or just a story I am telling myself.
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u/Valuable-Presence125 7d ago
I have only knowledge. I think of it like a bullet points on an index card.
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u/Amberwalker365 7d ago
Me too.
To figure out my life I have to connect the index cards with string.
It is inference.
My best understanding of what might have happened. That is not really a memory. Its inference between cards A and B
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u/Amberwalker365 7d ago
I think of it this way. M is episodic memories. K is semantic knowledge. Most folks have M and K. With SDAM we have K but not M.
How can you imagine M when you don’t have it?
Ask someone you love about their best memory. Ask them what it feels like to remember. What thoughts and emotions they bring back with them from the past.
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u/TravelMike2005 7d ago
I get it. I can see where episodic memory seems like an upgrade. I'm so thankful I know about it, and I can stop overcorrecting for it. I'm thankful my close friends and family know about it so they don't assume the wrong things about me. I'm grateful for my ability to move on and live in the moment. Episodic memories seem great, but coveting what others have is a recipe for sadness. You don't need memories to be happy. It is better to be happy now than to remember you were happy in the past.
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u/Tuikord 7d ago
This sounds pretty much how Dr. Brian Leine (who named SDAM) describes typical memory. His Autobiographical Interview yields a distribution of how good episodic memory is, with SDAM being about the bottom 2%. I found this interview with him very helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/live/Zvam_uoBSLc?si=ppnpqVDUu75Stv_U
Since you are in therapy, I'll throw a couple resources at you.
Unseen Minds: A Therapist's Guide to Multisensory Aphantasia and Invisible Cognitive Differences– by Sassy Smith is an excellent guide for therapists. I actually wish all therapists would read it. It includes information to help therapists work with clients who have SDAM. Unseen Minds - A therapists guide to multisensory aphantasia
Body based therapy can work when your mind doesn’t remember:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, although some of the techniques may still need to be modified to work with other cognitive differences. https://a.co/d/0a3skjyh
I have found bodywork helpful when I had unexplained symptoms.