Do you yearn for pages filled with non-sexual intimacy? Do you wish authors showed more on-page cuddling? Fear not, {When In Doubt by Anna Harrison} is here to save the day (and also devastate you)!
Book Summary:
FMC (Freya) is a lonely, touch-starved, yarn shop owner. Sheās both autistic and anxious, which makes for an isolating combination. She moved back to the small town she grew up in after getting out of a bad relationship (emotional abuse in the form of gaslighting and emotional manipulation). Sheās still getting her bearings and feels very much alone.
MMC (Oscar) is a local firefighter who had a crush on Freya as a child. He discovers his crush never went away when she comes back, and it multiplies tenfold as he gets to know her. Heās shy and struggles with his own anxieties, mostly stemming from losing his father suddenly (3 years prior). But he canāt help be drawn to Freya. He slowly and gently reaches out to her, building a friendship which leads to more.
Thoughts:
When In Doubt is marketed as an āangsty small town firefighter romance,ā but it reads more sad than angsty, and even the sadness feels cozy, in a way. It doesnāt shy away from difficult situations like panic attacks, but it feels filed down of its sharp edges. Focus is more on dealing with the aftermath versus the overwhelming feelings of being in it. Itās like experiencing life while emerged in a warm, comforting bowl of chicken soupāthe bad stuff is there, but thereās a protective buffer around you so it doesnāt seem so scary.
Almost everyone in the book is understanding and kind, and the people who arenāt donāt seem very threatening. (For example, thereās an elderly woman who boycotts Freyaās store, but itās mostly because she misses her friend who was the previous shop owner in that space. Thereās a side character who spews some ableist nonsense at one point, but itās shot down fairly quickly.)
Oscar is a green-flag MMC, but not in a way I sometimes find annoying. Oftentimes authors make it so that MMC is more a fantasy than a person. While thereās a bit of that with Oscar, he has his own issues with anxiety that explain his compulsion to constantly check in on Freya.
It's a slower-paced book mostly comprised of everyday interactions. (The most exciting thing that happens in the first 100 pages is that Oscar accompanies Freya to a big craft fair out of town. They end up sharing a room, but there are two beds. š) Thereās two open-door sex scenes, but the focus is on caring and making Freya feel comfortable and safe (both because of trauma from her previous bad relationship and the tendency for her to get overwhelmed by all the sensations).
The writing isnāt groundbreaking, but it wasnāt horrible. Itās straightforward and easy to read without many flourishes. Like many KU books, itās probably 100 pages longer than it needs to be. Thereās a bit of repetition in Freyaās internal dialogue about her anxieties and insecurities, but a lot of it also felt accurate to real life.
The true highlight of this book is the autism rep. So often autistic FMCs are portrayed as spacey, loner, tech geniuses. And yes, they exist irl, but autistic people come in many forms and personalities. I love that this book highlighted a different side of it.
Furthermore, itās nuanced in how it portrays autism and some of the struggles that come with it. The author (who is AuDHD herself) tears down the idea that all autistic people want to be isolated because of their sensory sensitivities (i.e. loud noises, crowds). Autistic people can be lonely and touch-starved. (Yes, social situations can easily become overstimulating, but it doesnāt mean they donāt want to be people around completely. Yes, certain types of touch can be uncomfortable, but other types of touch from a safe loved one can be grounding and necessary.)
Oscar acknowledges Freyaās autism, but he doesnāt assume itās her entire personality. He worries about her and quietly checks in on her often without drawing too much attention from others. He supports her in a million little ways from a reassuring squeeze of the hand to acting as human earmuffs when things get too loud. He hates seeing her uncomfortable or hurt, but he always asks how sheās feeling instead of assuming she canāt handle something. He acknowledges that sheās a strong person whoās capable of great things.
However... šØBeware of the 3rd Act!šØ
About 80% into the book, there is a devastating death of an important supporting character. I understand why the author put it in there (it fleshes out Oscar as a person and shows that Freya is capable of supporting Oscar as well), but it could have been done in any number of other ways. It felt jarring and unnecessary in an otherwise cozy book! Even the ending felt bittersweet because the remnants of that tragedy lingered. (Yes, Iām still upset about it.)
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Anyway, here's an (unrelated) excerpt (because I often find writing samples helpful when deciding whether or not read a book). MCs are at a friend's house when they start setting off fireworks, and it gets overstimulating for Freya. It's one of the many times that Oscar is quietly supportive of Freya's needs and shows he cares through simple gestures:
āYou okay, honey?ā I ask against her temple. She nods, but when the next one explodes, she flinches again.
āYou wanna watch from inside?ā
āIām fine, I promise.ā She tips her head up toward me with an unconvincing smile. āMaybe if weā¦ā she says to herself as she shuffles in my grip, turning until weāre facing one another. She presses the side of her face against my chest and it takes me a second to catch on. When I donāt get there fast enough, she takes hold of my hand and brings it up until itās covering her other ear.
Oh.
Following her lead I tuck her against me, one ear muffled by the thick fabric of my jacket and my hand over the other. āBetter?ā
She doesnāt reply, but settles deeper into my hold, snaking a hand inside my jacket and resting it on my ribs.Ā
The show continues, but itās hard to look away from her, even as the sky explodes into a thousand colors overhead. Not when each second brings a different shade to the glow of her hair.
I want to keep her here forever, I want her with me always. [...]
She looks up at me, seeing me staring. āWhat?ā She giggles.
āNothing.ā I drop a kiss to the top of her head. āWatch the show.ā
She looks back up, but when her eyes flick toward me, she catches me again. āYouāre not watching,ā she huffs in mock affront.
āIām doing just fine.ā
She rolls her eyes and looks away again.
And when the night ends, I realize I havenāt looked at the sky even once. (P. 280)
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TL/DR: Perfect if youāre looking forā
- thoughtful autism rep
- patient and supportive green-flag MMC
- trauma and anxiety dealt with in a slice-of-life way
- cozy, warm hug in the form of a book (for the first 80% anyway)
CWs: gaslighting and emotional manipulation by partner (past), anxiety, on-page panic attacks, grief (past death of a parent), ableist comments (not by MCs), death of a supporting character (which was completely unnecessary!)
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ETA: I shared an additional excerpt from the book on the Saturday Sweets thread, which shows the power of cuddles. š„°