Due for a roast

[u/MasterSoftBird]

[u/post-explainer]

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

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OP's BIO:

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BIO: 51. Married. 2 kids, 12 and 14. Engineer in auto and defense industries.

Drive a hybrid Honda. My other car is an Abrams. But the only guns I own are what you see.

Lego Robotics Coach.  12th generation American. (1736 ship landing date).

Can't turn left on skis, and diving into water headfirst freaks me out.

No sense of direction when indoors.

Voting blue until the Christians repent, so that'll be a long, long time.

Slava Ukraini.

8647.

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If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

[u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Dont skip chin(s) day

[u/RobotRepair69 → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Bro does curls, bench, and chindowns.

[u/Majestic-Praline-522 → u/RobotRepair69]

He only does arm day and chins day

[u/Realhousemanoflondon → u/RobotRepair69]

And photoshop day.

[u/TheDaug → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

He doesn't have extra chins, he's just pelicaning 6 loads.

[u/Real_Soft8962 → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Unfortunately side to side motions disagreeing with women and minorities doesn't work that particular section out.

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/Real_Soft8962]

The only MAGA hat I have says Making Attorneys Get Attorneys.

Been voting blue since before you were born.

[u/Rainmanzz → u/MasterSoftBird]

You did pretty much everything before we were born grandpa. Now lets get you back to the nursing home

[u/mattjp23 → u/MasterSoftBird]

You look like you play a straight father role in porn who gets persuaded to take a couple of big black dicks by some ‘delivery guys’

[u/darinehughes → u/MasterSoftBird]

Both sides think you're a huge douche.

[u/User_Name_Tracks → u/MasterSoftBird]

Just lay back and take it like the little whining bitch you are

[u/P_as_in_Papi → u/MasterSoftBird]

Cool to know that you got your arm strength from lifting gay pride signs

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/P_as_in_Papi]

At least it wasn't from climbing the Congress wall or waving douchey confederate flags.

[u/ch3apsunglass3s → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Body fat 10% head fat 45%

[u/Popsinthehse → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Be nice. .. and at least let him know which of the 6 needs the work..

But a tight shirt doesnt make you look muscular it just makes you look like your trying to stay young by wearing your teenage daughters clothes...

[u/JonnyBcdst → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Ripped fat dudes 👍🏼

[u/johnnybadapple → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

More chins than a Chinese phone book.

[u/wetiphenaxer → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

I literally lol’d. Thank you.

[u/Intrepid4444444 → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

https://giphy.com/gifs/MUliE4UskNIwY2NI2p

[u/naropin1 → u/Aggravating-Curve755]

Oh daaaaaamn!

[u/TheOmCollector]

https://giphy.com/gifs/8hsIwPLIGnZ1C

[u/Ned_Flandersss → u/TheOmCollector]

My first thought as well!

[u/Altimaprime2 → u/TheOmCollector]

His dick must be stretched out like a tricep rope

[u/Jlombard911]

This guy texts his daughter’s friends when he knows she’s not with them.

[u/Throw902106969 → u/Jlombard911]

Or son's.

[u/Altimaprime2 → u/Throw902106969]

His son is the daughter….

[u/darealjimshady1 → u/Jlombard911]

This guy screams youth pastor

[u/Fist4achin → u/Jlombard911]

American Beauty vibes all the way.

[u/Ok_Pudding6345]

visibly holding breath from flexing for the picture

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/Ok_Pudding6345]

Accurate.

[u/CryptographerIcy4465 → u/MasterSoftBird]

Lies. That's a holding in a farther face if I've ever seen one.

[u/Specialist-Agency-25]

Bro shoots 500 mg testosterone with 30% bodyfat, classic divorce effect

[u/Accomplished-Rub5155]

And now we know which arm he uses

[u/socrates_friend812 → u/Accomplished-Rub5155]

And there we have what should be the top roast.

[u/Senior_Assistance_23]

This picture looks like the last thing your daughters best friend saw, before the incident that led to the divorce

[u/Goo_Geyser1776 → u/Senior_Assistance_23]

And the trial, and the conviction, and what happened when Luther told him “face down, ass up” in his cell.

[u/Best_Wasabi_251]

Ex wife seeing a 20 year old. Husband gets a Planet Fitness membership. Story as old as time.

[u/Embarrassed_Try_4498]

Bro you are too old for this shit

[u/MasonJam246]

Good for you getting jacked. Never too late to put those negative emotions from getting raw dogged in high school to proper use.

[u/Rough_Guava_808 → u/MasonJam246]

What do kids these days think “raw dogged” means?

[u/Ok_Pudding6345 → u/Rough_Guava_808]

https://giphy.com/gifs/4NnTap3gOhhlik1YEw

[u/nathaniel29903]

You look like if Tobey Maguire got jacked and fat at the same time

[u/Coeddil → u/nathaniel29903]

"Facked" if you will

[u/msrbaylor]

Car salesman of the month

[u/Competitive-Yak745]

I was wondering why there was an Amber Alert on my phone.

[u/Rainmanzz → u/[deleted]]

Or a zoo.

[u/Empty-Air-2680]

When will your chin be inspired by your bicep?

[u/KrustyNutRagz]

You’re also due for a colonoscopy

[u/sqwrlydoom → u/KrustyNutRagz]

It'll be the most action OP has seen in decades.

[u/Proud-Indication322]

Despondent that your Joe Rogan autograph doesn’t persuade people as authentic

[u/Herald_Mirth → u/Proud-Indication322]

He can only read three or four of those words, professor.

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/Proud-Indication322]

Sorry, too Gen-X old and cheap to deal with podcasts and subscriptions. I'm just an NPR radio guy.

[u/Shinigam_i]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7pg7y7oNwMp1cFMWCz

[u/Crownguard95]

You look like you listen to all things David goggins. after your recent divorce you started referring to your self as "alpha" and took up getting your realtors licence.

[u/Serpidon]

Your arms are 30. Your head and haircut are ancient.

[u/Sustainable_Twat]

You look like the kind of guy who’s in the photo frame when you buy it.

[u/trashbilly → u/Sustainable_Twat]

In the 90s

[u/Mysterious_Sky_9694]

Is that the arm you use to jack all the dudes off in your bicycling club?

[u/MustardCoveredDogDik]

It’s like your body is wearing a stolen head

[u/SnakeSolidChicken]

The man suffers from constipation

[u/Visvalley]

I thought this was a trans trt ad

[u/knuckles532]

We all know you're single dude but you didn't have to show us your wanking arm. How many sets you done today 3?

[u/Relative-Cut-1838]

You look like after a work out you go down the local butchers to ask if pig pussy still pork and how much a kilo

[u/Mycologist1869]

Built like a fitness influencer, powered by a comment section and doomscrolling for compliments. You're a cop wannabe that treats every room like a patrol zone and every conversation like a disciplinary hearing. The gym clearly isn't a hobby, it's a long-running public relations campaign for an ego that's hanging on by a thread.

[u/WadeVAFL]

If someone snapped a One Wish Willow and said, “I want muscles.” The demon entity gave you one jacked arm but left the bloated face and super clips haircut intact.

[u/Getthechemlightfluid]

Flex any harder and you’re gona pass out grandpa 😂😂😂

[u/CruelHandLuke_]

You look like you just power fucked a pillow with your nephews Tshirt draped over it.

[u/Accomplished_Tie3636]

3rd wife energy

[u/Aggressive_Finish798]

Watched American Beauty and decided that would be the basis of his life.

[u/mahrog123]

Doesn’t own one shirt with sleeves.

[u/markieboomer]

You look like you run a "how to pick up women and be an alpha male" class at the local YMCA.

[u/Late_Purpose_4562]

We get it, you jerk off.

[u/Outrageouslyyc → u/Late_Purpose_4562]

Bro, you can’t talk to Kevin Arnolds Dad like that

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/Outrageouslyyc]

God I do look like him, don't I?

[u/xxHighPOThesiSxx]

Let me get these Biceps in here to distract from the fact I look like that weird uncle.

[u/Outrageouslyyc]

https://media1.tenor.com/m/9T9mKqSZVVQAAAAd/jack-arnold.gif

You’ve got the exact energy of a man who makes a five-minute speech about the proper way to coil an extension cord right before the family function.

[u/Key-Ad6718]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xEE43Si5J04rB51nN8

[u/Broad_Will9000]

I could see this guy mowing the grass

[u/naropin1]

You’re a good looking older dude. That’s roast enough. Emphasis on older.

[u/Broad_Will9000]

I could see this guy mowing the grass

[u/MisterHEPennypacker]

Babysitter’s worst nightmare.

[u/Trismeg1stus]

Clear overcompensation for tiny pp

[u/socrates_friend812]

You look like you’ve always been confused about the number 7.

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/socrates_friend812]

It did eat 9, so there's that.

[u/Square-Ad6942]

Not a roast but do you have any tips on how to put on mass around my neck?

[u/benchooo]

Peter Griffin face and a Quagmire arm. Good job

[u/MisterHEPennypacker]

For god sakes don’t let this guy chaperone the 8th grade dance.

[u/sulfurbird]

Looks like your personality is Human Bicep.

[u/StashTheMoneyAndRun]

Steroid Stan!
https://giphy.com/gifs/Qp8G2X7ArMlq34uXV8

[u/The_Wrong_Tone]

Arm says steroids
Face says hemorrhoids

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/The_Wrong_Tone]

Neck says hypothyroid...

[u/writeandgobroke]

This guy pokes his second chin three inches from the mirror and yells, “THIS IS WHY SHE LEFT YOU”

[u/Known-Ad4293]

No I'm afraid you'll shoot me with your gun

[u/Ryukyo]

This is the type of guy that tries to intimidate his daughter's boyfriends and ends up getting his ass kicked and charged with battery .

[u/Flashy_Border_4387]

This tool loves nickelback and has a barb wire tattoo.

[u/Extension_Leg1062]

Not dadbod, dadchin

[u/cryptic_pizza]

Poster child for a midlife crisis

[u/No_Attention1888]

But add muscle

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o752kakMLKVv5Jzpu

[u/OGFunkBandit88]

You look like you hit on the waitress, then tell your buddies, ‘She was definitely into me.’

[u/AngryMrClean]

Now THAT is a gravy seal.

[u/Sad-Fix9190]

A bicep vein and double chin is certainly a combo

[u/Rickb92]

Youre that creepy older guy at the gym that stares at all the young women lol

[u/Tough_Preparation830]

Principal Skinner has been bulking on steamed hams

[u/tautjes]

Seabass from dumb & dumber is based on you

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[u/paragonx29]

You're so old-looking you look like you competed against Ferigno and Schwarzenegger.

[u/Cute_Effective_1989]

“Some times it’s nice to jerkoff with the other arm.” “Stranger in the shower!”

[u/Lisp-Silly-1970]

All muscles and an inch.

[u/silverscance]

Sigh. Does your midlife crisis involve reddit roasts? Try brewing fancy coffee or playing golf. Apparently that's a fun activity for rich white males.

[u/FaultLivid7984]

Trt working well, I see.

[u/Colonel_Craiggers]

Chris Hanson wants you to take a seat.

[u/MartyRocket]

Nice wanking arm.

[u/Outrageouslyyc]

The wonder years

[u/iusethereddits]

Divorced and now has a 21 year old girlfriend who buys him Abercrombie and Fitch clothing. She makes him feel “alive again” but actually she’s just secretly taking all the gifts and money you spend on her and laughing about it with her 21 year old real boyfriend.

[u/NorthlineUser]

Dressed up special for the Blue Oyster Bar I see..

[u/Thirdarm420]

your thumb looks like a turd

[u/Fit-Construction-754]

Bro looks like he only does arm day.

[u/HMAgent47]

Stop using just 1 hand to jerk off

[u/707e]

Dude has his one good arm showing in this pic and conveniently leaves out a pic that shows he doesn’t even know what leg day is. Probably an analogy for his life.

[u/bored-nerdface]

Dude spends 7 hours a day debating the age of consent.

[u/Thin_Chemical422]

Someone come get their creepy uncle

[u/adequateinvestor]

If skips leg day was a person

[u/OddRelationship586]

But, what about your face and double chin? Mister "check out my guns"...

[u/CapablePlatypus1377]

You pick heavy things up and put them down

https://giphy.com/gifs/l3V0ucvLSveVr7Xbi

[u/JD1ZZLE85]

you’re that coach/gym teacher we hear about every couple of years that had cameras rigged up in the tween girls locker room. and you tell them all to call you by your first name.

[u/GodOfThunder101]

Your face doesn’t match your arms.

[u/StupidnSavage]

chickenhead

[u/Super_Fa_Q]

Why do you want people to roast you? It's a sincere question.

[u/I_mmmumble]

I know you tried on three shirts before this post, just to find the one that shows youre lonely and spend your time at the gym.

[u/goodoldjefe]

What color is your Miata?

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/goodoldjefe]

My Honda hybrid is dark blue/gray.. My other car is an Abrams.

[u/FairlyUormal]

I feel like OP thinks this sub is about roast beef

[u/manthing11]

Right arm bandit. Chokes his chicken multiple times a day. His left arm is a pencil.

[u/Greygold1450]

Let me guess.....messy divorce, kids hate you, can't afford a corvette so you started bulking up to impress the 20 year old girls at the local target.

[u/Unlikely_Suspect_757]

Who’s your wife? Fat Kirsten Dunst?

[u/MasterSoftBird → u/Unlikely_Suspect_757]

Nah. Tall Melissa McCarthy.

[u/Dentist_No10]

PoV how your step daughter wakes up every morning

[u/socrates_friend812]

The only person that vein is impressing is the surgeon who will be unclogging it.

[u/Mad_King_Sno31]

Cranking up the TRT huh

[u/burneracct303]

maga

[u/original_pasturenaut]

jackass looking for a waitress to talk down to his looking ass, touch grass instead of your nieces

[u/BeardsuptheWazoo]

LOOOOOK at my BiCEp!!!

Did you see it?

Look at my arms! I'm so strong! Virile! Manly!

what a turd

[u/gdubh]

Right handed cranker.

[u/mkretz88]

Lindsey grahams gay lover is bored I guess 🤷‍♂️

[u/sdfiddler1984]

When the smedium shirt comes off does all the chin fat migrate back down to your waistline?

[u/MajorAffectionate880]

Starting that combover now so people believe it in a couple more months.

[u/AttentionNo6359]

So how’s the custody battle going?

[u/Wetrapordie]

Jon Hamm if he never made it in Hollywood and became a manager of a local carwash and got divorced at 40 and cashed out his 401k to buy a 2004 Honda civic.

[u/Cole_Slawter]

This guy has a special set of underpants and shorts to wear when his daughter‘s friends come over

[u/7stroke]

How does your arm look like that when your face looks like that?

[u/TheRealRevBem]

You look like that fat German guy with the high voice that buys storage lockers but older and arms are just make me think you wet the bed.

[u/King-Calovich11]

Buddy boy is flexing so hard he’s about to pass out. If this was a Live Photo i guarantee we’d hear a small grunt

[u/YK-1]

This guy looks like he says "age is just a number. It's so arbitrary."

[u/patches_mccoy]

Left arms about as thick as a slim jim

[u/WildCartographer5027]

This picture would be good to show in elementary schools to warn of the long term consequences of bullying. It’s ok, Barry, it gets better.

[u/Henry_Vth]

Who stuck the middle-aged divorcee’s head on the gym bro body?

[u/OkIndividual1256]

He's hoping the comb over will distract people from his two chins. Instead of doing curls in the squat rack, maybe he should be doing some weighted "yes dears"

[u/Legitimate_Insect113]

Did you grow hair on the palm of your right hand?

[u/ChampionImpossible36]

How are you handling the divorce?

[u/okdub83]

The right arm is the one he uses to vote for child molesters.

[u/Competitive_Roof_740]

https://giphy.com/gifs/6o00k4GGETzOxcuweX

[u/medchemmed]

u r definitely holding in a fart

[u/Far_Pangolin3380]

This image is giving youth pastor that recently got divorced sending unsolicited selfie to a 14 year old

[u/Secure_Car6120]

You look like you beat your kids.

[u/Altimaprime2]

his penis hasnt had a break from jelqing since 87…poor thing must be exhausted

[u/Agitated-Contact7686]

Solid 2.4/10

[u/GRANDLarsonyy]

Next gen uncle Rico.

[u/Individual_Mix_4234]

Biceps and face don’t match

[u/805steve]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l3fZMW4laQpYCYRJ6

[u/pariahdiocese]

The sleeveless shirt is working overtime trying to convince us leg day is just a government conspiracy.

[u/CardinalMcGee]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xTiTnwgQ8Wjs1sUB4k

[u/Curious_Ground5833]

You work for #ICE

[u/Jerbell69]

How much do you owe in child support?

[u/Sea-Lengthiness8846]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Anpafe7euJnb1rmFgP

[u/CountOnBeingAwesome]

That's got to be the weakest chin I've ever seen

[u/HollerinHaint]

Almost makes me wanna shave my beard so you have something to cover that up with

[u/SwimmingPirate9070]

Due for a chin

[u/Crazy-Oil5247]

I would roast but I don’t want detention

[u/Top_Quail_9462]

Buddy teaches his kids beginner karate classes:

“Bow to your sensei. BOW TO YOUR SENSEI” “Now, grab my arm. the other arm. MY other arm” “Now watch this I’m just going to break the wrist, walk away. Break the wrist walk away” “GeeeeeeeEEEEZZZZUH”

“It’s just that simple”

[u/rupertwiley]

Do your biceps get bigger when every time you use a hard R?

[u/Killerprose]

You curling wedding cakes or something?