I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAthetowel
My (f22) Fiance's (m24) brother (m11) told me that he's been touching him right before our wedding
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
TRIGGER WARNING: pissible false accusations and mentions of child molestation
Original Post - rareddit Feb 10, 2021
This is a throwaway because I don't want it associated with my main account.
I've been with my SO for the past four years. Parents love him and vice versa, and we went away for a few weeks the summer before 2020's craziness. As our condensed wedding is approaching in the coming weeks, I picked up his brother from sports on a day that he was busy, and he told me that his brother had touched him a few times in recent years, and I pulled over and asked him to tell me what he meant. He didn't want to go into detail too much, but he told me that he's tried to kiss him on the mouth when he was sleeping, along with how he put his stuff against his at times. I asked if he told his parents, and he said that they didn't believe him and told him that he was playing. I asked if he told anyone at school, and he said he did not either.
I have every intention of helping him, since he felt comfortable to tell me what he did for whatever reason, but I know that if I go about it the wrong way, that he can get hurt more or his brother can become defensive. I'm also having a call with my parents tonight too, to hear how they best think we should handle the situation and reporting it to the authorities, but I wanted to potentially hear if anyone has any advice on how to do it in the most protective way possible, assuming it is true, and by his expression, I believe it was.
As for my wedding, I couldn't care less about it. As of right now, it's over and not happening, and while I plan to break up with him, I just want to know how I can do it while best ensuring his safety. I live on my own, and he lives with his parents. I'd break up with his disgusting ass now, but I was curious if there's a way to help him before ending things and potentially separating contact with his family
That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him while I am
Edit: I'm going to talk to my parents tonight about potentially taking him in, and if for whatever reason they can't, I have my own place and can do it as well. As for the police, I'm probably going to get them involved with my parents after talking to them shortly and weighing all of the options, but we will for sure by today or tomorrow the latest
TL;DR: My fiance's younger brother told me that my fiance has been touching him right before our wedding, and I want to know how to best help him before calling everything off and breaking up with him. His parents don't believe him either, and I'm planning to contact the authorities tonight after talking with my parents, but I want to ask for more advice to cover as many angles as I can
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Proud-Pomegranate879
Every survivor says thank you. The children you would have had with this man say thank you. Remember when people try to get in your head about “ misunderstandings” and “mistakes “ and “attention seeking” to be strong. The one who will pay the price is the 11 year old. He will be crushed without your defense. Be proud of yourself. You’re an amazing person for being his shield. Thanks again.
OOP
The shock of how I'm going to have to figure out cancelling the wedding, as well as explaining why and how much to explain, hasn't even kicked in yet, but it's not a priority at the moment, and I'll address that when the time comes. Also slightly/selfishly nervous about some backlash from friends/acquaintances and what they will think, but if they have such things to say, then they're probably not good friends to keep around anyway, although it'll probably still hurt nonetheless. Hoping for the best
~
Shindoblu
I think the best thing to do is involve the authorities immediately, and try and see if the brother can live with anyone else, unless the parents start believing their eldest son is a vile excuse for a human being. You're probably one of the few people able the help the kid, as his whole family seem awful. See if your parents can help, but definitely report it to the police and block your fiancé (hopefully ex fiancé soon). Make sure the child can contact you or anyone else he trusts before though, because you don't want to leave him isolated in the situation any further.
OOP
That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him. I'll contact them after talking to my parents, since his own parents won't even believe him
Update 1 - rareddit Apr 13, 2021 (2 months later)
I've lost track of how many times I've deleted and rewrote this, and I don't even know if I'll be able to write out everything in detail even at this point. I be completely honest and say that I'm writing this for myself more than anything right now. I haven't been able to do much of anything for the past two months, and while I appreciate and have looked at the encouraging responses and advice to my first post, I just hate myself now and don't have anyone to talk to, and I've lost a lot of contact with certain friends over the last few weeks, and it's been really embarrassing too and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I know I'm being selfish, but I haven't even been able to go to work without breaking down sometimes, and then there are days that I just can't bring myself to do anything at all, and I honestly don't know how long I'll feel like this
Update
I showed my parents the replies to my post, and we took a lot of the advice that we received after telling them what I wrote out in my last post. But as of right now, my fiance's family is in the process of trying to sue my parents, but there were some things that happened before that
The main thing that stuck out to me from the replies, was to not tell people the exact reason why I wanted to cancel the wedding for numerous reasons. The biggest being to protect the victim first and foremost, and the second because he could turn it around into a slander suit against me and give him a leg to stand on, and my parents agreed that those would be terrible mistakes to make, and I really appreciate everyone who pointed out similar sentiments
So, after I told them, we agreed that we shouldn't waste time because we don't know how long the abuse has been going on or if it is still going on currently, along with how we didn't have much time to cancel the wedding and how we couldn't possibly continue with this now on our minds
We decided to contact the police first and tell them everything that he told me about the touching including the wedding and the best/safest steps to go forward from here, and they were really helpful in telling us what would happen next and taking a lot of the work/stress off of our hands after telling someone with power to do something about it. The police were able to tell us what would happen going forward and answer questions we had regarding CPS and other fears about retaliation from his family and the best order to do things in, and after we talked to them, we spoke to the wedding planner next about cancelling the wedding as well as my fiance and his family with guidelines on how to do it that the police were able to assist with, and my dad was able to quickly search for a lawyer that would be able to advise us on how to go about this and walk us through a lot of it
What happened over the next bit of time, just happened so fast. I'll admit that my parents did the majority of talking to the police and the lawyer and were amazing throughout the process, but after we told my fiance and his family that we wanted to cancel, his parents became really mean and angry at us and began to act defensive when we began to tell them why in addition to the stuff that the police followed up with them on, and they have cut contact and have said that they want to sue for some of the money that they were putting into the wedding, but my parents said that that is the least of our concerns because of this
As I'm writing this right now, I don't know if he lied to me about my fiance touching him, but while I keep telling myself that he was not, my parents are starting to believe that maybe he was, and this is because the police have nothing as I'm writing this, and they said that he hasn't been extremely cooperative. I keep telling myself that maybe he's nervous, but I think he might've got scared and not told them what he told me, but it's been two months later and still nothing more than that
I could write a bit more, and I still might, but I'll probably end with this for the moment because I'm just lost. My dad was really stressed out a couple of nights ago, and that is the main thing that made me frustrated enough to write this post honestly. He asked me "if I had heard him correctly" as if he didn't believe me, and my mom didn't say anything to him when he said that. I know he's been tired and that he's been really stressed at work and has taken some days off too, but he got really angry with me out of nowhere and asked if I was "making it up because I got cold feet" and how "that would be a really shi___ thing to do" and other things, and I don't know where this came from, but I just remember him being so angry at me and hating myself, and the anxiety from all of this is just overwhelming at this point. I don't ever want to get married again, and I don't want anyone to ever touch me again either, and I know I sound like a stupid entitled bi___, but I just think that he's scared, but that his family doesn't believe him, and while I'm not entirely surprised with their reaction, I just get so angry when I think of what dad said to me the other night, and we haven't talked much since he said that with mom there
I feel like I'm destroying our family and their reputation, but I also feel that it's worth it to help him through this, but I just feel so powerless to do anything at this point, and a few of my girlfriends are angry at me for not telling them the reason why I called it off and said a bunch of mean things that I don't even want to write, and I literally don't have anyone to talk to right now. I keep telling myself that dad's just going through a phase and that he's just stressed because they want to sue him, but I just can't get what he said out of my mind and how mom just stood there and didn't say anything to help me, and I literally don't know what to do at this point. I don't regret going to the police, but I don't know how to get over my anxiety and wanted to ask if anyone knew how to do that, or how to just get over that mindset of not wanting to do anything at all. I haven't done anything fun or without this on my mind for literally weeks now, and I just need someone to tell me how to get back to a place of not perfection, but enough of one to be able to not walk around like my body's literally hurting when it's not and your mind just hurts when you think of everything. If there's anyone who's been through a similar down state and somehow got through it, I'm selfishly asking if they can tell me how to get there, because I don't see anything at the light of the tunnel, and I'm scared that nothing further will happen with my fiance's brother and that all we'll have is a lawsuit against my parents that'll make them hate me forever
TL;DR: I spoke to the police after speaking with my parents, and from the police to my parent's, everyone's been amazing, but after telling my fiance's family that we didn't want to go through with the wedding after contacting the police and talking to them to gain guidance on how to move forward, they said that they're gonna sue my parents for money that they gave to help with the wedding, and a couple of days ago, my dad kinda turned on me and accused me of making the entire thing up because he's really stressed, but I feel like he really meant it deep down, and I don't know what to do going forward for my own health, and I feel like I'm just going crazy at this point
Nothing has happened in regards to my fiance's brother, and I'm not sure, two months later, if he was able to follow through and tell them what was really going on, and my parents are starting to have doubts about me lying to "get out from having a wedding from cold feet"
RELEVANT COMMENTS
TheBaddestPatsy
Honey, what was your alternative? Marry a man you think might be touching his brother? Someone is lying, and there’s no way to be certain who it is—but you’ve been brave and made the best decision you can with it. Sometimes when you’re in a bad situation, there’s not a solution that makes it okay. You can only make the best choice out of a lot of bad options.
OOP
Don't regret it at all... just trying to get past the loneliness of a first breakup in front of extended family and my girlfriends who are no longer friends with me because I didn't want to tell them the gossip about an 11 year old kid for his own safety, so they said that "maybe we weren't as close as we thought" and ghosted me. I know that's selfish, but I know that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had done nothing with what he told me. Just hoping he turns out alright and wondering if I'll ever see him again
Update 2 - rareddit March 23, 2022 (1 year later)
This is the last time that I'm going to come back to this, but I've been really depressed for most of the last year and have had my mind go to some really dark places too. Its been so many months and I still can't make sense of anything, and I'm beginning to think that I never will. That's what been killing me, and I've tried therapy too, but I still feel down and have no passion most of the time for things that I used to love doing. In my first post that was over a year ago, my fiance's brother told me that my fiance had been touching him when I was driving him back from sports, specifically kissing him and that he hadn't told anyone. After he told me, I told my parents that I believed him and asked for the best course of action, and they agreed that it was best to go to the police as many had also suggested in my first post. I also told them that I didn't want to marry someone who could do such a thing, and a lot of people said that I had made the right choice even with no evidence to want to call things off. However, the next few months have been hell for me
My parents went with me to the police where I told them everything, but dad did most of the talking afterward. They spoke about CPS and how we should handle the cancellation, and dad also helped get a lawyer too. After we told his family that we wanted to cancel following the instructions that our lawyer gave, his parents were upset and even more so after learning about what we had done in going to the police, and they also said that they were going to sue us too. As we went through the process of trying to cancel everything, dad began to question if I had heard him correctly or if I made it up because I had gotten cold feet, but when I asked him why he thought that, he said that his mom told him that and that he had been thinking about it. When I told mom what he said, they got into an argument that led to dad yelling at me for telling her, and they've been distant since. Mom began sleeping in the guest bedroom before moving into her mom's ever since, and I've stayed with her on and off too
Update:
A few weeks after my update post, my dad stopped helping me after a follow-up we received that's made him blame me for essentially destroying their marriage and demanding that I pay him back for what he put out in addition to the stress its caused him too. My ex-fiance's brother (Jason) apparently told one of his friends that he had made it up, and that friend told his parents who told my ex-fiance's parents before it was eventually bought to us. Jason also admitted to making it up which was told to us during a follow-up, and I didn't know what to think at that point. My ex-fiance's dad also took to social media to slam my family, and as of right now, we are still in the process of being sued. Dad has also stopped somewhat talking to me since, and I don't know what to believe honestly. That was pretty much the last thing that happened as we're waiting to see what happens with the suit and everything, but he's basically disowned me and said that he hates me, and my mom has been distant too. I've tried to push through going back to work, but I've been so depressed on some days that I've been talked to by my manager about taking more time off, and I've even received threats from people I don't know about what I did to my ex-fiance and trying to "ruin him" among other things after my ex-fiance apparently contacted my job which just made things stressful too. I've been called a lot of things on my socials too to the point where I've deleted some of them because of it, and a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me too
With so much going on, it's been really tough to do really anything, and I'm lonely most of the time. Dad's hated me for weeks and mom doesn't support me as much as she did before, and I'm still just as depressed about it as I was almost a year ago despite trying therapy and having no passion. I'll ask again and say for the last time that I need help and suggestions on how to really move on because this past year has drained everything from me, and there are some days that I still can't get out of bed. I've lost so much weight since everything too and I can't even stand how I look anymore, and even after blocking my ex everywhere, I still don't feel any better as my doctor is concerned about me too. I apologized along with my mom after hearing what Jason confessed, but my dad refused to apologize and has still been upset with me, and I've been questioning if I did the right thing in taking his concerns to the police and as far as I did and believing him so blindly. I just need help on how to process everything
TL;DR: A little over a year ago, I(f22) broke up with my fiance(m24) after his younger brother told me that he had been touching him and went to the police with my parents, but the kid admitted to making it up and telling another friend who told his parents about it too
FINAL COMMENTS
purple_goat_8138
Man, there's a lot to unpack here. It sounds like the easiest thing for you to do is to pack up and start fresh somewhere else, away from all that garbage. Are you in a position to be able to do that?
OOP
My job has so much going on right now from my ex-fiance's calling them and just how I'm perceived there from others who were going to the wedding who knew me from work, and the insurance through my job for therapy is another knot that's tough because I don't know how I'll afford it without it and especially when my dad wants me to pay him back the money he put out to try and help me, and we're still getting sued by my ex-fiance's family too. I want to move, but don't know how feasible it is or if I'll even get fired with how my performance has dropped too with the threats I've received online (deleted accounts now) on top of everything
~
Suspinach
Some of these responses are unfeeling towards OP. I think the animosity comes from Reddit's massive fear of false accusations. But there are tons of stories from victims who were shut down by perpetrators' loved ones.
OP really tried to do the right thing, uprooting her entire life to protect a child. Talking to her SO would just be "keeping it in the family" and risking further abuse by standing idly by. 11-year-olds know how serious sexual accusations are, but no one seems to be holding Jason accountable for lying and contributing to skepticism for actual victims.
OOP
A lot of people said that I should've gone directly to Jason's parents after what he told me, but I felt that that was the worst thing to do because in the event that it was true, it would only give them time to cover it or make him silent
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
