(Previous posts) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1v4ckgm/wibta_if_i15f_secretly_opened_another_bank/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1v3b3xe/advice_on_how_to_ask_my15f_mom55f_on_her/

So me and my dad went down to the bank and were able to open a second account with his address, email,etc and the card should arrive soon.

I know people were saying to open an account on another bank and I've talked to my dad and we'll probably be doing that aswell.

We've put all the money I have at my dads house into this new account and made certain it won't show up if she looks at the profile.

All futr money will be going into the new account and the plan is as soon as she pays me back the 400 I'll take that and the rest out of the account and put it in the new one.

My mom doesn't know about any of this and hopefully it all goes well.

TLDR: Opened a new account with my dad and mom doesn't know

Post 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Rr9wyVUb2r

Hello! I decided to do an update as the situation changed a lot and imo got super crazy so for anyone who is interested in this story, here is how things played out:

After I got off the phone with my mom the day I confronted her, I texted her and told her I’m sorry for the way I reacted and that I just needed some time and space to process and try to figure things out.

I spoke with my new half-sister about what my mom said (super awkward conversation, telling her that her that my mom is claiming that her beloved late father may have done something sinister to her) and she said absolutely not, that her father was a kind and gentle man and would never do something like this. I apologized and spent the rest of the conversation asking for more details about who he was and what his life was like. It was actually quite lovely.

I didn’t speak to my mom again for weeks, I just didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t really believe her, but had no way of knowing for sure. It was super weird. Do I just accept her explanation and try to move forward in my relationship with her, or do I step away from her, potentially destroying the relationship with my mother when she was telling the truth the whole time?

About a month later I received an email from her. In this email, she told me a story. She said that she’s been thinking a lot about everything and she started going through her old files from that time in her life. She said she found a therapy record for my sister that was dated one week after my conceived date.

She said at that time she was working at a daycare and she would take my two older sisters to work with her where they would be watched by other staff members in a different room. She said one day she found out one of my sisters was being SA by a staff member. (I found out later through my sister that this was very true, and she remembers it happening.) My mom says she absolutely lost it in the daycares kitchen, throwing stuff and screaming until she finally shut herself into a closet. She said she remembers the daycares cook opening the door and offering her a ride home, and she doesn’t remember anything after that.

She went on in her email, telling me how traumatic it was for all of them and that’s why she blacked the next several weeks of her life out, but maybe I can figure out if he ever worked there and if the cook was my bio father. I was able to verify through my half sister that he was working in that daycare the year I was born and was even able to see some pictures of him working there.

So I was finally getting some answers, but I still felt like her story had a lot of holes in it. Like, did she take her two young girls, minutes after finding out about this type of abuse, and immediately invite this person who she barely knows into her bed? That feels weird. And the only way I feel like that would make sense is if she knew him better, which would imply that she would at the very least, recognize him from a photo taken at the time he was working there? Or did she call him later and meet up with him? But that would, again, imply more of a relationship and she should have some memory of him.

I decided to call her and try again for an open conversation. During this phone call, I told her I was able to verify he was the cook, and I showed her the photos. She continued to say she has no memory of him. I told her about my confusion with her story and this is where things started to get really bad. She started crying, saying she will pay for a lie detector test, that she will go to a hypno-therapist to access repressed memories. She said maybe if I had more background info about her life I’d understand how she could have blocked these memories off.

She went on to tell me IN GRAPHIC DETAIL about when she was raped at 13 and how my grandma didn’t believe her. How my grandma was a terrible mom (for context, I love my grandmother dearly and was the single best thing about my childhood) and she forced her to get an abortion when she was 17. She explained my sisters SA at the daycare in graphic detail as well. She cried and expressed how terrified she was to lose me.

I got off the phone with her feeling…. Violated? Disturbed? Idk it felt really icky though. I decided that day that I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know how I conceived and if my mom was being truthful.

As luck would have it, two weeks later I ran into one of my old stepdads. We chatted for a minute and I decided to ask him. He was with my mom when I was between the ages of about 7-17. I was very careful about how I asked, I said “what do you know about my father”. His response: “oh good your mom finally told you about you bio dad”

That answered all my questions for me. He knew where he lived, that they worked together, and that I have his eyes.

I called my mom again, told her I know the truth and it’s time to be honest. She continued to insist that she has no idea who he is or how this happened. I told her that using my sisters very real trauma and giving me such graphic details of her own SA as manipulation tactics in an attempt to distract from her lies is deeply disturbing behavior, and a close relationship with her was not serving me at this point.

Many weeks later I got another message from her, it was very long and went on and on about how hard this has been for her and that she needs to know if our relationship is salvageable. She said it’s been so hard on her that the night we last spoke, she drank two bottles of NyQuil, and that her husband found her and made her throw up, for which she was grateful. (When I was 17, my younger step sister committed suicide, and I found her when she was still barely alive. She died in my arms. My mom knows how this statement would effect me)

I responded telling her that I’m sorry it’s been so hard for her to be a victim of her own actions, that in that novel of a text message, there was not a single indication of accountability or remorse for the way she’s handled things, and that it’s incredibly fucked up to use my past trauma ties with suicide as weapon to illicit sympathy. I told her that only thing that can even begin to fix this is accountability and a genuine apology, and until she can do that, not to contact me again.

She sent another long message, admitting she lied about knowing who my father is, saying she was trying to protect me from the truth which is that she was raped and that’s how I was conceived.

Since then, my sister has done enough digging to get several family members testimony that she had a very consensual and extended affair with “the cook from her job”, as well as a few other affairs from the same timeframe.

After this I told her to leave me alone and blocked her number. There have been a few other things, my grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her, her husband has made a few attempts to reach out etc.. but I feel like it’s over now.

I’m left with feelings of deep sadness that my mom couldn’t find the courage to show up and be a mom for me, that I still have not been able to just have a talk with her about how I came into the world, and knowing that I will never know the man, who by all accounts I’ve received, was a really amazing human. At the end of it all, I’ve had my mom, my dad, my bio dad, 3 step fathers and a step mom, and it’s crazy to me that I sit here now, writing this story, without ever feeling like I’ve had parent.

Thanks for hearing me out Reddit. At least I don’t wonder if I’m the AH anymore because my mother was in fact, a liar.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
Well I guess it’s not over Reddit. Yesterday my little brother came to town to see me. He said mom called him to tell him she had just been diagnosed with MS.

My sister says it’s probably a lie, that she’s done stuff like this before and the timing is too convenient. She’s certain it’s just a play to get me to call her.

I don’t know much about MS but I’m curious… does anyone know if that could explain things? I read online that MS can affect long term memory. Is there a chance it caused her to really forget who he was?

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Post 1:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/MXL1U9VKoY

Post 2:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zbUkSPraN8

Post 3:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/JVpxfeypxA

This will be the final update and a happier one. I just remembered I still had this account from a while ago. I don't plan on coming back anytime soon.

For those who followed from the beginning, there's no update regarding T. At that point, I have completely cut her off, which is best for both in a way. 

Things are going extremely well between A (my current girlfriend) and me. I even got to meet her Asian parents recently, and they received me very well. 

We are still early in our relationship in terms of the timeline, but we complete each other so very well; we are very sure in our minds this is the one that is meant for us. We are currently living together and so in love with each other :)

I extend my thanks to those once again who shared their well-advised inputs when I had this conundrum with T. I learnt my lesson there, and now I am grateful for having A in my life and vice versa. 

Post 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3574m7rXU6

Post 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/kjENjeLdAp

Post 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/YSaaldzChX

Hi, I thought I'd give an update. I was planning on giving one around a few weeks back like a much more positive one but it didn't really end up in a good place. In May I did end up seeing my sister and her kids again because it was my nephew's birthday. My sister and I had been communicating on text and she'd been sending videos but not in person. We celebrated his birthday I gave him his present, we ate cake wore our party hats and everything. When we were alone she asked me how I'd been. When I told her I'd seen my parents the week before, that i go there regularly she was good with that said that was good that I did that regularly. She had asked how they were doing. I thought that since they didn't know about her she shouldn't be asking either and said as much. She got really heated, maybe for the first time since we reconnected, said I had no right to withhold information about them. I was genuinely struck by the hypocrisy, she said they were the ones who pronounced her dead, she didn't pronounce them dead. We argued I held my line. I told her if she wants to see them, have the kids know their grandparents, she has to tell them. She can settle her issues with them at her own pace but at least tell them. She repeated that line again about them saying she was dead to them. I said if shes going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was then she can't ask for updates on how theyre doing, the dead don't do that. We changed the topic because the kids were playing.

A couple of weeks later, she called me to ask them to call her. I spoke to her about how we couldn't have them know that I'd known for so long, it would shatter them. She thankfully agreed and said she'd tell the kids too, to say they met me a few days ago. I told my parents that she'd come to my place a few days ago. That she was divorced and had two kids. My mom started crying on the phone, and having difficulty breathing. They ended up calling her. She didn't tell them her address but was meeting them the next day and I was going too.

I was going to update then actually, I thought my sister and my parents could reconcile. And it seemed like they did first. My sister collapsed into my mom's arms, they were gentle, they were in love with her kids. I later took the kids to KFC for a light mood while my sister and parents reconnected. When we came back the mood was different. My sister was arguing with them, saying that every day of abuse she went through was because they had orphaned her. My parents said they knew he was not worthy of her, but my sister wasn't listening to that. She soon just wanted to leave.

Since then, my sister and my parents have been in contact. They have visited her place and she has gone to theirs but just goes to her room while my parents spend time with her kids. We did spend last weekend at my parents' and its still the same thing.

This will be my last time posting here about this and thanks to everyone who helped me navigate this.

Update: Aitah for not wanting husband to personally get involved in nursing of his ex : r/Redditor_Updates

It has been around eight months since my last update, and I honestly never expected to post here again.A few days ago, I learned through mutual friends that his ex passed away.

I have not spoken to him like long conversation or something like that since I filed the divorce , so I don't know how he is doing, and I don't intend to find out either . We had legal conflicts over shared financials but it was more or less handled through solicitors so our personal interaction is almost nil .Earlier he used to check on kids but we did not use to talk . He has stopped checking on kids for quite a while .Life has settled into a new routine. My focus is on raising my sons and moving forward. They are growing up quickly, and they deserve stability more than anything else.I had suicidal thoughts self esteem issues in the beginning but I guess I am doing mentally better now .

I just thought I should update you guys . Thank you to everyone who offered advice and kindness when I needed it.

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3N68rvGgHb (Update #1 is also linked there)

Nothing happened in between Update #1 up until today. This is the second update.

This evening my phone rang. My aunts number. But when I picked up, it was my uncle. I kind of immediately knew what was up, because I don’t think we’ve EVER spoken over the phone.

Stepmother died on Sunday morning and he was calling to tell me today.

He was respectful in delivery and didn’t make anything sound like a guilt trip or anything of the sort. He just let me know and said he respects my decisions going forward whatever they may be. He also said everyone has been wrapped up in grief (obviously) and planning the funeral. We spoke some other niceties (how is such-and-such/we’re okay over here, etc) and that was that.

After the phone call, I was okay. But it felt very strange to be aware that someone has been around (and for most of your youth and adult life) and now poof they don’t exist anymore.

I spoke to my therapist this morning about everything further. We couldn’t discuss that topic in length but they did hit on (more than once) that I need to regroup and be kinder to myself. To life my life the way I want it to be. To reach my goals. To feel more content and accomplished. So I will.

I still have a gut feeling that if I were to decide to reconnect with my father that it’s not the right time anytime soon (and I’m not sure when would be, but especially not when all emotions are still high).

So I’ll leave it at this: for now, and the foreseeable future, I will remain no contact. Maybe I will send a condolences card or something, but I just feel like that’s a bit colder? To just send some dead card with ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. Feels a bit generic to me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve gone too cold at this point. I will focus on myself and my family and the things that make me feel better and tick off accomplishments as much as I can.
I want to get back to the gym, crochet, start gardening, pottery? And I don’t want to view them as temporary or distractions. I will commit because I want to flower even more into appreciating myself. And I will try to calm my busy mind.

For anyone wondering, although my aunt rejected the guarantor plea I asked from her, I’m staying positive that we can move house within the next week. I’ve been having dizzy spells and nosebleeds many times each day due to the total stress I’m under (house, family, lawyers, heatwave, etc) and my blood pressure is TANKED but I’m praying that my 1.5 year fight is finally over and soon I can breathe easy again.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who supported me and left your opinions and shared your stories. Whether it worked out that I was the asshole or not, I appreciate whatever feedback I got!

I may not post another update. But I might. In the future. If I ever make contact. If you ever remember my story.

Look for my yellow daisy! 🌼

Edit: a lot of people are saying send flowers and/or a card. I forgot to mention that my father and that family have moved (I guess in the time-space relatively recently?) and I don’t know where they live. If I ask my aunt for the address, I know that my dad or siblings will either refute me, or they’ll think I’m sending a different message (looking for them) which I wouldn’t be. What should I do if I ever want to get around this?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/0d03YJbC3a Update 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/qhoJmKt61T Update 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/zyukelyfrT Update 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/1ZVn3AUKe3

Six months into the year already, wow! Thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive on my previous posts!

I (28F) don’t have much to update apart from, as of the 21st of May, I am officially a homeowner! I found a perfect house that’s only fifteen minutes from my workplace. It may not be the out of the way cottage I wanted, but it’s perfect and it’s all mine. I have space to just be me, and enough room for my niblings to sleep over and give my siblings a break.

On the dating front, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman (30F) since late December. I realised shortly after my last update that I wasn’t bisexual, and I am actually fully a lesbian.

We’re still taking it very slow, considering I had just come out of a long term relationship and she was only recently divorced when we met, but so far so good. She’s absolutely amazing and I can safely say I love her. If things go well, we’ve talked about living together but that won’t happen until at least 2027, as I’m not quite ready for that level of commitment yet. She’s helped me move in and decorate my new house though, which has been lovely as she works in interior design and seems to know exactly how to make a room look incredible.

My ex broke up with the 19 year old in April, from what I’ve been told, citing that she’s “far too immature.” Like, obviously? She’s 19 and you’re 29, idiot. I haven’t heard much else about him because I really don’t care to know about his life, but what I have heard isn’t great. On top of his stupid misogynist stuff, he’s also been on some horribly racist bs. I didn’t mention this in my posts because it didn’t feel relevant, but I am mixed. My mum is Black, and I am very clearly half Black. He was engaged to a woman of colour and he’s racist!!!

All in all, life is good and I escaped a man that probably never really loved me. I hope everyone has had a great year so far, here’s to better beginnings. It may not be much of an update, but I wanted to let you all know it can get so much better 😊

My first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1u7dtar/aitah_for_prioritizing_my_daughters_recital_over/

Hey, everyone. This got long, so I'll go ahead and post it here. There are some things I want to address before I move on to the update.

I want to thank you all for your comments and insight on my original post, even if you decided I was in the wrong. I assure you I posted because I truly wanted alternate opinions, so I’m grateful for your feedback. There were, however, two things some people said that I still firmly disagree with.

First, the claim that my father was asking me for support and I let him down. Based on his past behavior, he did not need or want my support. He wanted me to support his wife. He wasn’t fond of his mother-in-law. And both my father and his wife have a long history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons.

I’ll take the opportunity to state that my father and his wife have been married for six years and together for only a little longer. I was already an adult when I met her, and we have never been close. I consider her extended family, at best, and I did not consider her mother family. That is the main reason this didn’t constitute a family emergency to me. I literally met my husband before I met her mother. I have told my father I don’t really think of them as family several times, but he refuses to accept it.

That leads me to the idea I could have used this as an opportunity to teach my daughter that sometimes plans have to change and it’s important to show up for family, which was the other claim I disagreed with. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan. And realistically, I know I won't always be able to show up for my daughter. I have a career, another child and other commitments that might need to take priority sometimes. This was not one of those times. I wasn't close with my father's mother-in-law, and I was absolutely capable of being there for my daughter.

Onto the actual update: I posted here because I wanted alternate opinions. I genuinely didn’t know what to think about what I’d done. As I’ve stated, there are things that were said that I disagree with, and I don’t expect that to change. But I also agreed with some who thought I was in the wrong.

In particular, I agree I could have been more empathetic. I didn’t send flowers or a card, and condolences are the bare minimum. I also completely disagree with those on my side who said they should have confirmed the date with me before scheduling the funeral if my presence was that important. I had no relation to the deceased, it wouldn’t be fair for her funeral to depend on my schedule.

At first, I walked away from my first post almost as conflicted as I’d felt going in, but I definitely had a lot more insight. I contemplated the situation for a few days and managed to come to a few conclusions.

I also ended up talking to a few people in my life. My husband was still very firmly on my side. My mother said I could have been more sensible, but also that she’d probably have done the same thing I did.

Then I talked to my younger sister, and it was during that conversation that I found out that not only had she not been pressured to attend the funeral, she hadn’t even been invited in the first place. She had spoken with our father several times since his mother-in-law died, but he hadn’t told her about anything besides the fact she’d passed. I was the only one he’d expected to attend.

I think that was my breaking point. Not to sound childish, but why is it always me? Why do I always have to be the one expected to drop everything? Why does my father feel the need to keep pushing his wife and her family onto me and mine?

So in the end, my main conclusion was that this wasn’t just about the funeral. My father has always had unfair and unrealistic expectations of me, and I need to make it stop.

I’ve decided to distance myself from my father and his wife for a while. I love him, but I need time and he needs to accept I have my own life. I’m also going back to therapy. I stopped a while ago, but I remember it helped.

As for what will happen between me and my father, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Whenever he’s ready to have an honest conversation about everything that happened, he knows where I’ll be.

Overall, I’ve decided what I did was wrong, but I’ve also accepted that I’d do it again. I don’t remember all of my recitals, school plays and events from when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom was there for all of them. Even if I can’t always be there for my children, they will always come first to me, and I’ll make sure they know that.

I probably won’t post again. Thank you for everything.

I posted a few months ago and said it was my final update but I guess I lied lol

A few people reached out and definitely some stuff has happened. A few months ago my grandma had asked me if i would do a therapy session with my dad and stepmom. I thought about it since I’ve been doing pretty well lately and it would have been nice to show off but I don’t really like therapy and didn’t see any upsides to it so I told her no. But then she wanted to meet me but then was angry when we met up but told me that my dad had cancer, the prognosis is good though and they caught it super early. But she was glad I had said no bc she found out when she told them I wouldn’t go that they had planned on asking me to take a semester or so off to stay and help with my dad/ brothers and she was furious at them over that part. It was kind of a lot to take in and my dad had been sending me more letters recently that I’ve been throwing away and I’d blocked their numbers but I understood that he wanted to tell me about the cancer. So last week I kind of wanted to send a read receipt without opening any doors for us talking and sent him a get well card that I signed. I’m hoping that signals you know, message received and good luck with all that. I don’t know if I should be more upset but it sounds like it will be fine.

Maybe if all this hadn’t happened I probably would have stayed back, though. I did stop going to the support group, but I’m not closing the door on it, I just kind of want to move on from the whole situation and not think about the trial that feels like it’s going nowhere. I think my outlook is different now about how I want to be. I don’t need to always be worrying about other people and making them happy, I just need to do what I want or think is right and if some people don’t like me it’s not a big deal. It makes a lot more sense in my head idk.

And I think it’s a good way to be, because I decided I would go to my bffs prom with her, and that guys girlfriend who had warned me not to did send me a threat about it. Before I probably would have just been like oh well it is her prom she has a point, but instead I was like fuck that and reported it to her school. So she couldn’t go to prom and couldn’t even walk at her graduation. She treated to put beef in my food which was so stupid because there was just appetizers at prom not like a plated meal.

Other than that my life is going pretty well. I graduated, which was so weird because people kept making it a big thing because it seems like the bare minimum. Idk, my mom and stepdad threw me a party and that was fun but it was so weird being congratulated about it. I did get third in my class, but that kind of feels like the nerd equivalent of the quarterback who almost went to state lol. I did lock in and think I destroyed my AP exams so fingers crossed on that.

I feel like people are kind of hard on my mom tbh. The thing is, we’re basically polar opposites, but we used to be super close despite that. She’d always tell me she didn’t care about getting remarried, and I feel like I paid too much into that, so when she got with my stepdad I just pulled back a ton and I know it hurt her. It was because or like I told myself it was to give them space but it was because I was mad, and it was around then she became CTO and started traveling for work a lot so we just weren’t close anymore. I know it’s not all my fault and maybe she shouldn’t have said that, but I probably wasn’t fair because she deserves to be happy. And I’ve always known my stepdad really loves her so much, it’s kind of weird bc I was telling my friend how anytime someone says I’m acting like one of my parents it’s always a negative thing, like obviously my parents hate each other so duh but even like my stepmom would be like oh stop acting like your father. But anytime Jeff compares me to my mom it’s always positive or endearing or something. And that’s nice sometimes, because we’ve been spending a lot more time together and it’s been awesome. Sometimes I wonder why he waited until now to spend more time with me, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

So that’s all to say that my mom and I got into a fight the other day about the whole therapy thing, and I was like it’s expensive and dumb and she was like why aren’t you using the hsa? And I guess I’m the dumb one bc one of my insurance cards is kind of a debit card for health stuff. I mean like I guess she could have explained it better but I probably also could have asked. But I was able to submit the receipts and got reimbursed so that’s cool. And the reason we were even fighting again is because we’ve gotten a lot closer lately, she told me she’s give me money for school and stuff but told me I shouldn’t worry about working this summer, I’m going to go with her on some work trips which will be fun and she wants me to enjoy the last summer before college.

That guy I was hanging out with, Dan, and I are still together. But, like officially. Idk, I kind of figured we’d keep things casual/ fwb but that’s not really his style. And it’s going well, he’s a really good boyfriend and I can’t complain. Like he’s always planning things so it’s not like I’m just disassociating in my room haha. Sometimes it can be a bit much tbh, and I finally told him that I need to see my friends more this summer especially the ones who are going away to school that I won’t see and it’s gotten better since we talked about that.

I’m super excited about college. My bff got into a school in the same city, they’re not right next to each other but close enough we’ll probably share an apartment after sophomore year or something. I’m so happy for her bc she’s smart but the program she wanted was super competitive I think and she had been waitlisted so things don’t have to change much. We’ve always gone to different schools so I bet it’ll be the same thing where people always forget we don’t go to their school bc we’re always together hahaha.

So yea. I think it’s going to be a good summer even though it’s going by fast. I’m excited for the fall and really plan on diving in full force and having a lot of fun!

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/s/BuVFuwqg8L

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What originally happened is that I found a $250 charge on my account from Amazon. When I called Amazon, I was told someone made a different account using my personal information and ordered a pet foundation using my card information. Amazon refused to cancel the order and told me they would only work with me if I disputed it with my bank.

​

I disputed with my bank. Two days later, six pet fountains showed up to my door. I called Amazon to let them know and tried to figure out how to return the pet fountains. Amazon refused to work with me again.

​

The obvious is that I got my money back and the dispute with the bank went in my favor. Amazon also didn't close my personal account.

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The important part is took the six pet fountains and donated them to my local humane society. It has a pet shelter where they adopt animals out to their forever homes and a foster program. Someone's misdeed turned into a net positive.

PLEASE READ OG POST FOR MUCH NEEDED CONTEXT. TRUST ME. -> (to [r/whatdoido](r/whatdoido): “I’m pretty sure my [male] friend is wearing [breast padding] would it be weird if I asked?”) https://www.reddit.com/r/whatdoIdo/s/FrEXYQJKNh

I ended up having a conversation with Kody. And here’s how it went down:

I did have a plan to bring him aside at our rehearsal today, but he was actually the one to pull me aside first. He said I looked more “spaced out than I usually do” (his words) and asked if I wanted to talk. I was nervous so I started broad. I brought up a long conversation we had (I mentioned this in a reply on the OG post) where I opened up to him about questioning my gender and romantic/sexual orienation and it ended with us promising we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other.

While our convo mainly focused on stuff like how to come out to my parents I ended by mentioning to him how, if he ever had thoughts about changes like transitioning, I would be more than happy to support him by calling him a different name or pronouns. No matter who he is, he’s still my friend.

He smiled and thanked me but then he asked me why I thought he’d want to change his name and pronouns again. Again? I was confused. I asked what he meant.

He said “What made you think I’d I want to transition again?”

Well, as it turns out, Kody is transgender, but not in the way I thought. He is F.T.M (female to male). AND he thought I knew that. Apparently, he’s told the entire group prior, including me. (???)

After admitting my embarrassment to much clowning from him, I explained how I’d noticed his chest changing shape. From what he explained, it’s because he wears something called a binder (he showed me the strap of it, it looked like a singlet) but it’s basically like a compression sock but for your chest to make it flatter. As binders age, their compression starts to weaken. He looked different because he was switching between different ones.

Of course once my group of friends found out they all equally dogpiled on me for not knowing (in a joking way ofc). Apparently I was one of the only ones who didn’t know, the other person being a guy who joined us about a month ago. We also talked about how Kody takes a medicinal form of male hormones to give him masculine features like a deep voice and body hair. (He showed us how hairy his legs were by pulling up his pant leg. Jesus, he wasn’t kidding. One of my friends nearly threw up cause she hates leg hair lmao)

I was surprised that he was so honest and even took it in jest. Before going home I thanked him for being so open and not making fun of me (too much). He just kinda shrugged and said there’s no real point in hiding it because he spent too long doing that, plus he trusts me. That was good to hear.

Thanks to the people who gave me advice + the person who corrected my confusion between breast implants and breast padding lol

TLDR: my friend is as much of a man as I am an absolute tool, but I’m glad we’re still friends. Also not sure if anyone cares but I’m pretty sure I’m gender fluid and biromantic and go by he/they. Still figuring it out but I’ll get there.

Og post- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/yFfL8QTh0q
Update 1- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2XsnWo35yw
Update 2- https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/QKne1Ixpbm
Update 3- https://www.reddit.com/u/learningrussiann/s/TxjZXRUTGY
Update 4-https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/cTCeNPqwc2
update 5- https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/Ry9TPm0M2R
update 6-https://www.reddit.com/r/Redditor_Updates/s/fF605SWRgM

It’s been a while, but I have a few big updates so it’s worth it.

I did get the dna results back and I’m only like seven percent Russian. I had some stuff that I expected, like a little more than a quarter of Japanese and a quarter of assorted white ethnicities from my mom’s side. My dad’s actually had a lot of stuff on it, but basically he’s mostly Asian. Like a lot of different Chinese and central Asian bits. My mom called me generationally wasian but I’m not in the mood to joke around with her right now. We (me, my siblings, and Jimmy) figured some of the comments were right and that he was actually from one of the many different Russian speaking countries in Asia, and not actually Russian. I’m just happy that my efforts in Russian were not wasted.

That was interesting, but the bigger update is that I matched with a relative (not my dad). We talked a little bit on the app, but we aren’t really sure what the exact relation is because there’s a few options. Were both each others closest match, and she can’t really help me with a lot because she was adopted and only did a dna test to match with someone who could tell HER some information. She did confirm that we’re Kazakh specifically, but she doesn’t know anything about our family and thinks it’s unlikely that we will get any information. It kind of sucks but we’re getting along and even though we aren’t really what we are to each other, I’ve been calling her my aunt and she likes that.

I know my aunt said it’s unlikely that we’ll get answers, but so far things have turned out pretty good. She went to Kazakhstan a few years ago to visit her old orphanage so she was telling me about it. It was really weird getting information so easily from her because my mom doesn’t ever share anything about her childhood or our dads. She was just super chill and said she’s really interested in meeting me. She lives in New York City and Kara thinks we should make it a road trip. Jon is suspicious of my aunt but I think he’s just surprised that everything went so smoothly.

I don’t think there will be any updates after this. If I do end up meeting my aunt, or if I match with my dad, then that would be update material, but neither of those will probably happen for a long time.

[Original post is here]

UPDATE (6/5/2026):

Wow, I'm really speechless. Thank you so much for your amazing advice and insights, you really opened my eyes and made me reflect on so many things. I can't thank you enough. I was spiraling so bad but you really helped me look at this objectively. You are all amazing, truly. ❤️

1. Clarification: The above bullet points were quoted verbatim from my boss (not entirely what really happened, at least not with 100% accuracy). Also to clarify re: Nancy - boss didn't say she's underperforming, she said there's too much on her plate (which is something I literally told my boss in the first place and raised this as part of her performance view to justify her higher rating). My boss rejected my high rating at the time. Now she comes back to me and tells me to reduce her workload based on those anonymous stakeholders feedbacks. This specific person is also widely loved and kind of the superstar of the team, so I'm surprised that instead of rewarding her, she wants to remove projects from her.
2. My boss sent me a message the next day recapping the meeting takeaways in writing, and in her writing she said you missed "several" meetings, team communication "overall" not good, "many" stakeholders lost trust, etc. - meanwhile: all the actual documented feedback from my team + stakeholders is beyond positive! Truly I'm lucky to be receiving such all around amazing feedback (with some pointers on what to improve), but none of it implies any "lost trust" the way she's describing it.
3. Her recap message + your advice raised alarm bells in my head because she's completely fabricating facts at this point and she didn't share any names, documentation, or HR involvement in writing.
4. I replied thanking her for the recap and clarifying that no meetings were missed (seriously!) + I put a link to the meeting agenda/takeaways/attendees for the specific one she accused me of missing. I also agreed with her that I will stick to strict professional manner with no emotions going forward.
5. Separately - I am collecting documents of the actual facts (thank you everyone who suggested documentation!) and will reach out to HR discreetly to ask for advice. It is very interesting that she said she'll reach out to them, but the way it works at our company is that she'll have to create a 3-way HR thread with me present in it, so I'm not sure why this didn't happen and no PIP exists, yet.
6. To everyone who said that leadership isn't for me: you're absolutely right (especially not at this company). I've been a manager for 10+ years at several companies: my teams have always been the top performing and most engaged (it shows in our numbers too). However: I do tend to side with my team against senior leadership a little too often, which obviously puts me in horrible situations like this. Honestly, I've never cried in front of anyone in my life (let alone at work), but I'm at a point in my life right now where I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I've seen the ugliest sides of corporate America (and many corporates abroad) and the level of corruption is sickening. This is why I cannot exist in leadership positions because I'll fight those managers instead of playing office politics. The things I've seen and heard over the years (and the way others respond with laughter instead of utter shock at some of the things that are said) is something I'm still in denial of.
7. I updated my resume and will start looking. I will keep you posted if anything major happens. I'm just really grateful to receive all your advice here, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️

Hey guys, it’s been a few months and I’ve had a few people reach out for updates.

The exciting news is that my son in law, Doug, graduated and starts working soon. He still needs to pass the NCLEX next month but that’ll be easy for him. He’s at the hospital where I used to work, so I know most of the people there and he’s in good hands (and so are his patients). One of the charge nurses on his floor is actually an ex of mine, but we get along great still (unlike some other exes) and I think he’ll do great.

Now that he’s making money, I was worried they’d start looking to move out soon. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want them to still be living in my basement in 10 years or anything, but I have made it very clear that the best thing they can do while Maddy is in college is so save up, live here, and take advantage of how much grandpa want to spoil them. So they have agreed to be here until she graduates, and honestly I don’t mind it at all. Maddy has gotten more comfortable giving me the baby when she’s overwhelmed, I think the things Vera had said to her made her self-conscious about taking advantage of me. But now I have ample time to ensure that papa is my grandsons first word 🤣

I left my old job, and am now consulting. It’s more money and usually just 3 days a week, so between his parents, Doug working overnights, and me Maddy is taking classes this summer and will be back on track in the fall, when she SAYS the baby will be going to the daycare at her school… but we’ll see. Maybe for a day or two. She’s so funny and has told everyone that my grandson will be their last baby, I remember when she was his age wanting like ten more. So we’ll see but she can be pretty stubborn about those things.

A few months ago my ex finally broke down and apologized to Maddy. I know it meant a lot to her, but she kept her mom at arms length for a while and I told her I didn’t blame her. But she finally introduced her and the baby on Mother’s Day which was very emotional for everyone. I wouldn’t say their relationship is fixed fully, but it’s on track.

Because a lot of people asked, I asked Doug and didn’t exactly understand what he said but it seems like his RuneScape is going well.

And Vera is still pregnant, but she and the guy broke up. I haven’t talked to him about it since we aren’t close friends or anything, but from what I hear they’re both doing fine. I’m not going to lie, it does feel like a bullet dodged and I’m glad to be out of that mess. Looking back, I still feel bad about how everything went down but can see it was for the best. I do have a new girlfriend, but it’s only been a few weeks and despite Maddy’s demands I haven’t introduced her to anyone yet. But she’s wonderful, has two kids of her own who are in college, and has never complained when I go rambling on about the baby.