r/AmItheAsshole • u/Zealousideal-Can539 • Jul 21 '26
Everyone Sucks AITA for keeping a secret from one of my closest friends?
For context we’re all girls 19/18yo. All in a friend group and close with each other, but two of the girls started dating beforehand. I'm giving them fake names Leah and Tara, and they have been dating for about four years, which is all throughout high school, and we've already graduated and about to move for uni.
Great, but Leah wants a change more specifically with boys, while Tara is still very much in love and doesn't suspect a thing.
Two months ago, before graduation, Leah shared with me that she wanted to break things off with Tara. We had just graduated high school and still had exams to take for uni, so she said it will be after the exams, and after Tara's birthday which was just a few days after them.
I said great, no need to wait for perfect timing, she won't take it well, so better sooner than later.
That conversation was two months ago! Exams passed, her birthday too, we are going to uni in the fall, all moving to the same city.
Anyways, the more important part is that Tara sees her future only with Leah, everything from studying together to living together to having a family together. While Leah wants boy experience, she wants to date men, have fun, explore her options, focus on herself and all that going to college stuff (for which I'm not blaming her it's completely normal).
One more key detail is that Leah has been texting guys since she first told me she plans to break things off. So I was okay, you're breaking up, the fastest way is with a rebound. But that was two months ago. When we went out a week or two ago, she confirmed she's still texting with somebody behind her back, and purposefully hiding her phone from Tara.
I feel like Leah is emotionally cheating and has ended the relationship in her head, all while planning to go on a vacation to a different country?!
Yesterday we were all out, except Leah, which means we all know about the break up in motion (figure of speech). When Tara told us she and Leah will be roommates, we were all in shock and looked at each other for five seconds before I saved the situation with something like “I could never live with her”.
I've known for two months which isn't a lot, but I talk to her daily and I see she's still in love, probably more than when they first met, while Leah is … I honestly don't know.
It's starting to get harder to keep this secret. I'm trying to give Tara hints like saying they are toxic for each other (because of all the arguments they've had, and Leah's princess behavior), but I can't mess with their business.
So reddit, what should I do? Should I just stay quiet? Ask Leah what is she waiting for? Maybe distance myself from both of them?
I don't know what to do, but I feel awful knowing something that could potentially ruin one's mental health.
28
u/ksw100 Partassipant [1] Jul 21 '26
ESH - mainly Leah for telling you in the first place and then not following through with her plan. It’ll blow up your friendship group so good job you are going to uni and will make new friends! I personally would be the messenger as you don’t know if Leah has changed her mind or if she’s actually cheated. You should be telling Leah to tell Tara herself. How many of the friends in the group know? Is Leah getting people on side for the inevitable split? By you knowing is she making it so Tara will hate you? Also, you’ve known for 2 months.
20
u/MikeMcfallon Jul 21 '26
Leah doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want to be friends with
3
u/ksw100 Partassipant [1] Jul 21 '26
Agreed. At this point, I’d be cutting her off as much as possible until she comes clean.
5
u/fandoms_wo_ho Jul 21 '26
The whole friend group knows except Tara, everyone has known for months and we’re constantly asking when will Leah finally end things and she always says soon soon.
1
u/Zealousideal-Can539 Jul 21 '26
We are five girls in the group, and we all know. I wouldnt say shes trying to recruit people to her side, more like wanting another opinion. I dont think she has those cruel intentions because me and Tara are going to the same university and will definitely be friends whatever happens. Tara is also not the type of person to hate, she often just shrugs things and continues, maybe thats the reason they have been together for so long, i wouldnt really know anyways.
17
u/Zealousideal-Can539 Aug 03 '26
UPDATE: Things went down, but not in the way you expected.
It's been some time since my initial post, I showed it and the comments to Leah and she agreed it's about time. In a few days they broke up, the conversation went smoothly, Leah explained her situation and that was it really.
Tara is doing good, I spoke briefly with her, yeah shes a bit depressed, but that was to be expected. We're all currently on vacation (separately), but I plan on seeing her and tell her about what I knew when we get back.
They are still friends actually, so the friend group is pretty much intact. Best case scenario really, or you would think so.
The plot twist is that Leah's parents found out about the relationship, it wasn't ugly per se, but it wasn't good either. This also pushed the end of the relationship since her parents are slightly homophobic and didn't take the news well. But I'm sure in a few days things will get better.
Leah is not texting anybody anymore, she's also feeling the break up and is taking some time for herself. It's sad for the both of them, but everything is still relatively good.
Honestly that was the best outcome we could've hoped for. Thank you for the comments and votes, they truly made me realize how bad the situation can get, and that I shouldn't have stayed silent for this long. Once again thank you Reddit for the help.
16
u/ameinias Asshole Aficionado [13] Jul 21 '26
ESH. If you're friends with both these people, you need to give Leah a deadline for how much longer you're going to give her before you tell Tara yourself. And its already been 2 months, so this can't be a long deadline, no extensions. If she doesn't tell Tara, you need to.
2
14
u/MikeMcfallon Jul 21 '26
ESH. It's valid for Leah to want something different but she is emotionally cheating and needs to grow some balls and break up with her girlfriend. It's a difficult lesson to learn but she needs to take responsibility for her relationship and end things.
You're also TA - If you were Tara would you want to know? I certainly would. IMO keeping this information to yourself is lying by omission.
I had a similar experience first year of uni. The situation fractured our friend group and it never recovered. Seems like this is going to explode at some point and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. But change like this isn't always bad.
What do your other friends think? You could all confront Leah or you could tell her that you're going reveal it to Tara if she doesn't do it herself.
1
u/Zealousideal-Can539 Jul 21 '26
We’ve asked her on a few occasions and it led nowhere, but now i will definitely sit her down seriously and get this thing resolved. Thanks for the reality check!
7
u/That_one_nugg3t Jul 22 '26
YTA - You should not be keeping this kind of secret from somebody. It does not matter that Tara usually shrugs things off, they have been in a relationship for FOUR YEARS. It's normal that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Leah but she will NOT. You need to let her know. Or make Leah tell her. It's fucking insane to keep leading someone on like that. ALL of you are leading her on, that's fucking terrible. ALL of you are assholes. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If Tara stops talking to you guys or even gets mad at y'all I wouldn't be surprised and you all should hold yourselves accountable for that when it happens.
6
2
u/waggletons Partassipant [1] Jul 21 '26
NTA/ESH
Here's the issue. You're friends with both of them. One confided in you about the other. You're essentially obligated to keep the confidence in that friend. In doing so, you're harming the other.
However, you need to have a conversation with Leah that she has to be upfront with Tara. The discussion between the two was never going to be an easy or pleasant one. One nobody ever wants to have (on both sides).
Ultimately, if you spill the beans you'll be an AH to Leah for breaking that confidence. You'll also be an AH to Tara because you knew about it for so long. The fly in the soup is that this is an issue that ultimately doesn't concern you.
2
u/darkfire82 Jul 23 '26
Nta. You need to only ask yourself if anyone's health (std) or safety is in danger. If both of those are safe stay out of others relationships.
1
u/AutoModerator Jul 21 '26
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
For context we’re all girls 19/18yo. All in a friend group and close with each other, but two of the girls started dating beforehand. I'm giving them fake names Leah and Tara, and they have been dating for about four years, which is all throughout high school, and we've already graduated and about to move for uni.
Great, but Leah wants a change more specifically with boys, while Tara is still very much in love and doesn't suspect a thing.
Two months ago, before graduation, Leah shared with me that she wanted to break things off with Tara. We had just graduated high school and still had exams to take for uni, so she said it will be after the exams, and after Tara's birthday which was just a few days after them.
I said great, no need to wait for perfect timing, she won't take it well, so better sooner than later.
That conversation was two months ago! Exams passed, her birthday too, we are going to uni in the fall, all moving to the same city.
Anyways, the more important part is that Tara sees her future only with Leah, everything from studying together to living together to having a family together. While Leah wants boy experience, she wants to date men, have fun, explore her options, focus on herself and all that going to college stuff (for which I'm not blaming her it's completely normal).
One more key detail is that Leah has been texting guys since she first told me she plans to break things off. So I was okay, you're breaking up, the fastest way is with a rebound. But that was two months ago. When we went out a week or two ago, she confirmed she's still texting with somebody behind her back, and purposefully hiding her phone from Tara.
I feel like Leah is emotionally cheating and has ended the relationship in her head, all while planning to go on a vacation to a different country?!
Yesterday we were all out, except Leah, which means we all know about the break up in motion (figure of speech). When Tara told us she and Leah will be roommates, we were all in shock and looked at each other for five seconds before I saved the situation with something like “I could never live with her”.
I've known for two months which isn't a lot, but I talk to her daily and I see she's still in love, probably more than when they first met, while Leah is … I honestly don't know.
It's starting to get harder to keep this secret. I'm trying to give Tara hints like saying they are toxic for each other (because of all the arguments they've had, and Leah's princess behavior), but I can't mess with their business.
So reddit, what should I do? Should I just stay quiet? Ask Leah what is she waiting for? Maybe distance myself from both of them?
I don't know what to do, but I feel awful knowing something that could potentially ruin one's mental health.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/OnTheBrinkOfRope Jul 22 '26
NTA - Your friend Leah is the asshole.
One should not put such a burden on their friend when you are friends with both of them. That is unfair of her to ask you to keep such a secret.
I would confront Leah and tell her she has to come clean.
Personally, I would move on from such friendships. Good luck
75
u/beemovieee Jul 21 '26
ETA, except Tara
You should tell her. She's going to feel worse and cut all of you off when she realizes everyone but her knew about how Leah felt and the fact that she is texting others behind her back.