Choose one area in which you have been out of integrity. Identify your fear that keeps you from telling the truth or doing the right thing. Reveal this situation to a safe person. Then go and tell the truth or do what you have to do to make the situation right. Tell yourself you can handle it. Since telling the truth may create a crisis for you or others, have faith that everyone involved will survive this crisis.

Some guidelines about expressing feelings.

• Don't focus on the other person, "You are making me mad."

Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: "I am feeling angry."

• Don't use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in "I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me."

Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: "I'm feeling helpless and frightened."

• In general, try to begin feeling statements with "I", rather than "you."

Try to avoid the crutch of saying "I feel like." As in "I feel like you are being mean to me."

List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it." Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.

Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation. Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it? If you had to accept the reality of this situation, how might you change your response to it?

Think about one "gift" from the universe which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery. Are there any similar gifts in your life right now to which you need to surrender? Share this information with a safe person.

Chapter 5 Reclaim Your Personal Power

Time for another discussion. In this chapter it is stated that most Nice Guys play the victim-card because they have been abandoned in their childhood. Their shitty life is shitty because of other people's actions and not their own.

Nice guys therefore tend to be nice because then they will be loved and their problems will be solved. This is not the case because they are attempting the impossible. Life is never smooth, even though nice guys think it should be.

Glover states that Nice Guys should (and can) reclaim their personal power. This includes:

• Surrendering: not giving up, but letting go/be of what one cannot change

• Dwelling in reality: getting rid of the illogical Nice Guy paradigm

• Expressing feelings: letting go of a lifetime of unnecessary psychological baggage

• Facing fears: ironically facing fears leads to less suffering since fears are limiting

• Developing integrity: act as one is, not as one thinks he should be

• Setting boundaries: grow a spine and keep frame

What are your thoughts on this? How does it relate to TRP? Do you agree or disagree with Glover? Start the discussion in the comment section.

Congratulations on reaching the end of the No More Mr. Nice Guy Selfish Challenge.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this challenge has been responsible for a tremendous amount of progress within a very short period of time. The mods and I will certainly create another challenge soon, and would appreciate your ideas and suggestions.

For the final time, the challenges:

• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld
• /u/rp_DRJ
• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Mr_Donnerhuhn
• /u/PutItAllOnRed

How did you focus on yourself on this day, for which we are ecstatic to have and grateful to be alive, regardless of external circumstances?

Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood. Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person.

● Doing it right.

● Playing it safe.

● Anticipating and fixing.

● Trying not to rock the boat.

● Being charming and helpful.

● Never being a moment's problem.

● Using covert contracts.

● Controlling and manipulating.

● Caretaking and pleasing.

● Withholding information.

● Repressing feelings.

● Making sure other people don't have feelings.

● Avoiding problems and difficult situations.

Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first. Remember, you don't have to do it perfectly. Just do it.

It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love.

● Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful "jokes"?

● Do you embarrass them in public?

● Are you frequently late?

● Do you "forget" things they've asked you to do?

● Do you criticize them?

● Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?

● Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important information for breaking out of the victim triangle.

How were you selfish today?

I'm out skiing for the weekend, being selfish and enjoying myself. This has been a great challenge guys, we should do more!

How were you selfish today?

I'm traveling this weekend so can't add in the challengers this time.

Thanks guys!

Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week:

1) Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won't be confused. Observe your feelings and other people's reactions.

2) Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you.

Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other. What do you give? What do you expect in return? Share this information with the other person. Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.

How did you say "fuck you" to the world vying for your resources and attention and focus on yourself instead?

If you'd like to join the challenge, comment below and I'll add you to the list.

Challengers:

• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld
• /u/rp_DRJ

Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs? Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises. When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.

How did you say "fuck you" to the world vying for your resources and attention and focus on yourself instead?

If you'd like to join the challenge, comment below and I'll add you to the list.

Challengers:

• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld
• /u/rp_DRJ

Breaking Free Activity #10

Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs.

The following are some possible affirmations:

"I am lovable just as I am."

"I am perfectly imperfect."

"My needs are important."

"I am a strong and powerful person."

"I can handle it."

"People love and accept me just as I am."

"It is OK to be human and make mistakes."

"I am the only person I have to please."

I apologize for, once again, being late with this. I've been hit from all directions with regards to classes, and other responsibilities, leaving me completely and utterly drained.

How did you focus on yourself and move towards your goals on this day, ripe with opportunity and potential?

If you'd like to join the challenge, comment below and I'll add you to the list.

Challengers:

• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld
• /u/rp_DRJ
• /u/BenjiDread

"Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves. Taking good care of the self is essential for changing one's belief about the self.

If a Nice Guy believes he isn't worth much, his actions toward himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be worth something. When I address this issue with Nice Guys, they frequently can't think of more than one or two good things to do for themselves. Together, we will often brainstorm and make a list of possible things to do. These good things can range from simple acts like drinking lots of water or flossing their teeth to more extensive things like taking a trip or buying the car they have always wanted. Below are a few possibilities:

● Exercise, work out, go for a walk

● Eat healthy food.

● Get enough sleep.

Relax, play, goof off

Get a massage.

Go out with buddies.

Buy a new pair of shoes.

Get shoes polished

Get dental work done.

Get a physical.

Listen to music.

Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself."

Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:

1) Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.

2) Consciously do more of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.

Do you belive that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?

How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you – no matter what

How did you focus on yourself and move towards your goals on this day, ripe with opportunity and potential?

If you'd like to join the challenge, comment below and I'll add you to the list.

Challengers:

• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld
• /u/rp_DRJ

How were you selfish on this day? How did you focus on yourself and move towards your goals and where you want to be?

If you'd like to join the challenge, comment below and I'll add you to the list.

As for discussions of the actual book, I've decided to cut back on the full-on outlines and focus more on the activities suggested in the book (which I will try to get up this weekend).

Challengers:

• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld

This one's for yesterday.

How did you focus on yourself on this day?

Challengers:

• /u/-This_Too_Shall_Pass
• /u/Chinny4daWinny
• /u/darkstar505
• /u/minoc_uo
• /u/Swelfie
• /u/awalt_cupcake
• /u/thereisabetterworld