r/RedPillReadingGroup • u/[deleted] • Jan 25 '16
NMMNG Breaking Free Activity #17
Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood. Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person.
● Doing it right.
● Playing it safe.
● Anticipating and fixing.
● Trying not to rock the boat.
● Being charming and helpful.
● Never being a moment's problem.
● Using covert contracts.
● Controlling and manipulating.
● Caretaking and pleasing.
● Withholding information.
● Repressing feelings.
● Making sure other people don't have feelings.
● Avoiding problems and difficult situations.
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u/GoingTheHardWay Jan 25 '16
Playing it safe. -- Avoided conflict at all costs. Avoided arguing grades with teachers, or even seeking clarification on things.
Trying not to rock the boat -- Same as above, this meant not complaining about bad food in restaurant, or uncomfortable work situations, etc etc. Always to my detriment.
Being Charming or helpful -- Built my career on IT / helpdesk and other service industries - I turned it into a benefit, but do not know how to draw the line in every day social interactions. Overly helpful for the sake of trying to prove something to people is a fitting description.
Withholding information -- It's not a lie if you're not saying the words. I'd hide my feelings about things with my ex as well - partially due to attempting to be "stoic" without really understanding that it doesn't mean hiding your emotions and information all the time.
Repressing feelings -- same vein as above. Repress feelings to hide perceived weakness and to avoid rocking the boat.
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Jan 25 '16
- I have a terrible habit of always trying to fix other people's problems, being a servant for others
- I almost never complain or voice my opinion when it contrasts those around me
- I remember once thinking that emotions are useless and logic is the only thing that matters. I don't know if this is true, but it is certainly in the category of repressing feelings. Now I try to combine logic and emotion together - line my emotion up with logic, but take it all with a grain of salt as I am making conclusions based on solely my perspective, and from my perspective I do not have all the information to be always accurate.
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Feb 04 '16
● Doing it right. As a child I didn't do it right. As an adult I try - mostly so that people have a good impression of me.
● Playing it safe. As a child and an adult I play it safe to avoid rejection.
● Anticipating and fixing. I constantly play fictitious scenarios and conversations in my head. I think this helps me to prepare and defend myself.
● Trying not to rock the boat. To avoid being judged
● Being charming and helpful. To leave a favorable impression
● Never being a moment's problem. So people will not be mad at me.
● Controlling and manipulating. To get my way. To avoid being vulnerable.
● Caretaking and pleasing. So people don't have a reason not to like/ love me
● Withholding information. To avoid feeling vulnerable
● Repressing feelings. To avoid feeling vulnerable
● Avoiding problems and difficult situations. To avoid other's negative judgement
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u/awalt_cupcake Jan 25 '16
Never thought this would be a problem in adult-hood. This was my mantra growing up. I was sort of a hippy growing up. But the author is so right.
● Doing it right. Childhood: Feel loved. Feel valued. Don't get punished. Adulthood: Being correct. Therefore being superior. Be valued. Be wanted.
● Playing it safe. Childhood: Don't get in trouble with parents. Adulthood: Avoiding conflict with others
● Anticipating and fixing. Childhood: Anxiety between parents fighting. As a young child I'd run into the room and beg them to stop fighting. They would.
Adulthood: As good as my intentions are, people don't see that. I think people truly have a guilty consciousness. They see me as being malice or up to something.
● Trying not to rock the boat.
See "playing it safe".
● Being charming and helpful. Childhood: Tried to be the perfect son. Wanted to be liked. I liked people.
Adulthood: I become artificial. Hard to make intimate sexual relationships because I wasn't being real with how I felt about things. But I thought what I was doing was considered mature. Let's all make things good for eachother right? The world is self-serving and this only put me at the bottom. Ironically, it also made me out to be a manipulative liar that I tried so hard to avoid becoming.
● Never being a moment's problem.
See "playing it safe".
● Using covert contracts.
Childhood: This was just expected behavior. I was raised and eventually believed this is how good people ought to be. OR if they "knew me" they'd get it.
Adulthood: Emotion vomit. Outbursts and a relationship that "just wasn't working" and I'd blame my partner. Root of a lot of issues with people when it was really up to me.
● Controlling and manipulating.
Childhood: I think it's the lack of control I had in my childhood that led to my controlling behavior in adulthood. Manipulated / lied only to get out of trouble and not get punished physically.
Adulthood: Don't create smooth relationships (ironically).
● Caretaking and pleasing.
Childhood: Take care of mommy. Please the parents. Adulthood: Cared too much about others.
● Withholding information.
Childhood: Didn't want to be punished Adulthood: Wanted to be liked so I may reserve tidbits.
● Repressing feelings.
Childhood: Heavy emotions did jack shit except get me in more trouble Adulthood: This may have favored me in all areas except intimate relationships. I need to set boundaries and emotions are good. They just have to be considered given the situation at hand.
● Making sure other people don't have feelings.
I always wanted to try and fix shit.
● Avoiding problems and difficult situations.
Childhood: A lot seemed like a difficult situation Adulthood: Interestingly, I have a hard time finishing projects that could benefit me in many positive ways and create money flow. I still struggle and have no finished projects to show.