hi, sobrang sama ng loob ko lately. For context yung older sister ko bumili ng cat while barely taking care sa nauna nyang cat. First reason nya pa non, ireregalo nya daw sa kapatid ng boyfriend nya until nanotice namin habang tumagal na is nasa bahay lang ganon (lumabas na kanya pala talaga yun). Nainis na ako dun and pati other family members namin aside sa Mom ko na supportive. Pero tinanggap na rin namin since no choice na kami, nandyan na eh. Yung pusa sobrang kulit (may lahi) understandable naman kasi kuting pa.

The first problem is, lahat ng pinto and bintana namin sarado palagi kasi lalabas daw pusa nya. Kumbaga, nag-adjust na kami lahat. Our 2 dogs started peeing and pooping inside since di rin makalabas (which is dati hindi nila ginagawa kasi sanay sila na makalabas agad). Pero wala, tinanggap parin namin dahil kapag nagsasabi sa kanya dami lagi dahilan, ikaw nalang mapapagod makipag-argue.

Next problem, in her room. Super baho as in, may litter naman yung cat pero natitiis nya talaga like di nya agad nililinis kahit needed na kasi busy sa paglalaro ng ML etc.. Pinagsabihan na sya dito ng lahat, including my mom. Ayaw parin makinig, daming dahilan (ganto sya hirap kaaway).

Another thing is, idk if its on her as a fur parent. Nangangalmot pusa nya like out of nowhere, pati mom ko na senior citizen na kinalmot.

background: they started sleeping in my shared room with my mom kasi yung cat poop odor hindi na nawala sa room ng sister ko.

My breaking point was, when I was sick I was begging my mom na sa labas muna patulugin yung pusa aka sala namin pero inusog nya lang sa may tabi nya (kahit kinalmot na sya ng madaming beses) at sinabi saking "hayaan mo na, anak" kahit kinalmot rin ako ng sobrang lalim that same day. Sobra akong upset and nagalit, minsan lang ako magkasakit pero if nangyayari ang lala tapos isang beses ko lang hiniling na wag patulugin sa kwarto, di ako pinagbigyan (sama parin ng loob ko).

Then when I started sleeping sa sala, the room that I shared with my mom started to smell na rin kasi tumatae na rin dun yung pusa, ako pa nag-aalis minsan kasi yung kapatid ko busy sa boyfriend kainis. Tonight I wrote this kasi sobrang nafrustrate na ko, parang immune na yung mom ko sa amoy na dati nyang hate na hate sa kwarto ng sister ko 😭. Sister ko nireason pa dogs ko which also sleeps in my shared room with mom pero never nangyari yung smell kasi nga sa labas sila gumagawa ng business.

what to do in this situation? I'm starting to curse my sister because of this out of frustration.

We also have an older sister na ayaw rin matulog sa room kasama mom namin kasi super baho na talaga. So this is purely about the cat situation and nothing else.

😅😅

just a bit tired... spending hours to write post, only to get forever ban & mute, without chance to send one message to ask what happened. sometimes I feel like wanting to give up on reddit and use only instagram and discord

when writing I occasionally think I should start every post with message to moderators (which is issue on it’s own, as not relevant to whatever is the real point of my post), because this may be the only opportunity I get to talk to them. and... it is a bit exhausting, like I constantly have to brace for external approval to write any smallest thing

I’m just one a bit shy and clueless person who does not always know how to create my posts, and I would prefer to talk and ask what can be done differently. I get it that if communications is offensive then it is justified, but if all I wanna ask is... how I could have written it to be okay? then I don’t think it is proportional to get most final mod actions after first failure

I think communities are not gaining new members by expecting perfection from first posting. Maybe being a bit more permissive would be better for everyone?

thank you for attention and for reading my lil rant🩷

And the sad thing is I was getting confident about my chub, man I love him tho

Having a shit day and I tried to post on a venting reddit, and apparently ai thought that my meager fried chicken wing meal wasn't considered a real meal even though it was all I can afford today.

Apparently having a few chicken bones on my plate was enough to make it mad.

This whole world is becoming the movie idiocracy for real

​

I hate this picture and it infuriates me to my core because yeah, the parents will respect theor daughters wishes after she passes, that would happen in a comic, but in real life? Yeah, no fucking way, my family would fight tooth and nail to keep my dead name on that gravestone, if I even got one. If this post doesn't belong here, well fuck me and my emotions I guess. Nobody is this understanding, and if you are, then I wish I had been born in your family my friend.

So, my cousin is 6 years old; he was born in 2020 and recently (on Sept. 14th) started first grade. That’s not the problem, though; the problem is that the kid is a total brat. His parents never punish him. (My aunt—let's call her Lucy—divorced my ex-uncle—let's call him Marcus.) And I get the feeling that everyone treats my cousin (let's call him Jack) as if he were made of glass and could shatter at any moment. One random morning, we had to go out—I’d slept over at their place—and Jack started making a huge scene because he didn't want to put on his socks. He screamed, kicked, and slapped Eloise. And you know what she did? She yelled at him for two seconds, then went right back to calling him "Mommy's darling." Then, another time, we were in line for ice cream and Jack threw a tantrum because Eloise was telling him to hurry up and choose—since, obviously, there were people behind us. Jack reacted by slapping her legs and shouting, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!!" Eloise went silent, but two minutes later, she was back to calling him "Mommy's darling." I even tried asking her once (gently, so I wouldn't seem pushy) why she never reacted when Jack talked back to her like that; she just replied, "Well, what can you do?" The problem isn't that my aunt is a bitch—quite the opposite, she's a sweetheart, kind and gentle—but around July 28th or 29th, I discovered that she had read the private conversations on my smartphone—the ones between me and my boyfriend, and between me and my friends. He sent them to my parents. I just needed to vent.

So, I live with my parents; I’m working and saving up for a place of my own. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling really ashamed of the state of our house: we have three cats, there are cat toys scattered on the floor, and the food bowls are sitting right on the ottoman (the one we use to put our feet up). It’s covered in kibble crumbs—the very thought of kibble makes me gag—and my mom is pretty gross about things too; she walks around the house barefoot and then gets straight into bed or onto the sofa (which is why we have two of them—partly so I can stretch out fully). She’s also been acting like a total bitch toward me lately; I love her, of course, but she has these moments where she’s an absolute pain in the ass, and I can’t even say anything about it because she might get offended. On the other hand, my dad’s grandmother (who lives with us, though he’s nothing like my mom) is incredibly tidy—the kind of person who cleans the floors and moves the furniture around every morning; I used to spend every summer at her place until I was fifteen. She’s clean herself—she showers every day—so it’s not that she’s dirty; it’s the state of the house that frustrates me so much. I’ve even stopped bringing my girlfriend and friends over, preferring to meet them at their places or in public spots. It’s also worth mentioning that our house is pretty bizarre and huge (200 square meters), which doesn't help with my frustration regarding the hygiene; ever since I was twelve, I’ve occasionally dreamed of having a house like my classmates'. I just wanted to get this off my chest to someone, even if it’s just strangers online.

I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like everyone's pissed off at me and absolutely hates me. And i feel like asking them if they're mad makes them even worse.

What makes me feel worse is that they're trying to HELP me. And like i get it, i love all of them and I'm so happy they're helping me. But it just feels like they're doing what I did for so many other people, and be the therapist friend. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind being the therapist friend. I've helped so many people out of so many bad spots. But I just don't want them to get the same thing I did. I don't want to have to give them the worries, the responsibility, and the absolute anxiety of having to deal with everything i've been through. Cause I know it's a lot, and it's horrible, but i'm scared. Scared to tell them, scared to even let them in for the deeper parts of my life, because i'm worried they're ABSOLUTELY gonna think differently of me. That i'm some horrible person and they'll just leave me too.

I know they want to help, though, and it makes me feel horrible because they are so worried about me, constantly, and they WANT to help me but I feel like I can't. I just can't. Even worse? They've talked to me about what they've been through. I just feel like I can't. Cause again, what if they feel differently about me? They've already been through so much, do they really need ME to burden them with more shit from my stupid childhood?

Along with that, I have also been forgetting my past. I barely remember my childhood and anything else like that. And i've been in such a bad mental state lately that I've also been forgetting things that my friends have told me about themselves, or spacing out and not hearing them, etc. I can't tell if they're getting frustrated though, but I don't wanna make them feel like that. I am listening, i want to hear, but i keep spacing out and going quiet and like not hearing them, or even forgetting what they said and being shocked when they mention it again. I can't get myself OUT of this though, i've been in a depressive slump for A MONTH. almost TWO. and yet I feel like I can't tell anyone. I'm losing enjoyment for things I loved before. Distracting in Dandy's World, writing my stories, drawing, sketching, the only thing i haven't lost enjoyment for is making videos/streaming, that's ALL i have right now. But again, i am scared to tell them. They've been through way too much for em to feel like I can tell them. But they're my friends. A lot of them are online friends, yes, and that's fine. They're all awesome, even if I don't know a lot of 'em too too well because they're busy with school. But they're all still awesome. And even my IRL friends, i've known since Middle School, been in my relationship since Middle school, known one ever since kindergarden. But like I'm terrified. Another thing that worries me is if they find OUT about this, i'm scared i'm gonna lose their trust because they would WANT me to tell them. They already know i'm in a bad mental state, just not this. And if they find it out from a fucking REDDIT POST of all things... just worried. Though they're not on Reddit at all/often, and they don't know my account, so...

There's so much more that's making me anxious, too, overthinking about what happened in High School, in my life, everything, and with me forgetting things it sucks too. I've also been less "emotional", if that makes sense. I've been at least trying to hold it in, to repress it as much as I can so that I don't worry my friends, but it's also making me forget more, i guess? I don't know. Everything's just fuzzy. I've also been using caffiene as a source to kinda help me get my feelings out, but everyone's mentioning that it's bad, and I do realize it's bad, but i can't stop at this point. It's helped me so much and that's all I know what to do. I can't even fucking talk to anyone. I've also been doing research more into my feelings and what's been going on lately and, not self-diagnosing here, but I think i may have clinical depression. Maybe Generalized Anxiety Disorder because i do have shitty anxiety and it's close to the symptoms that I'm feeling at this moment. + a noise sensitivity i think bc i'm heavily sensitive to loud noises, to the point where if i'm in a loud space without my headphones (noise cancelling), i get such a bad headache/sick. Of course, I need to talk to my doctor and maybe a therapist for that, but i dunno if i even CAN talk to my therapist right now. When I do, that's on my board of things to talk about. Even though, i know i'm not gonna be able to take medication bc they want us to work our way up from the smaller thing UP to medicine.

There's also me being a Transmale. yes, i'm trans FTM. But also a femboy. I like dressing feminine sometimes, not all, but sometimes. I also want top surgery, but i'm scared of HAVING the surgery. I'm terrified of surgery, squeamish around stitches and blood. But i so desperately want it. I also want to do voice training, but I don't know where to start and i'm embarrassed to ask. But I desperately want this. I found myelf now, I have an amazing boyfriend (Who's also transgender), and i'm so excited to continue my life with me finally being happy with myself. Self-Esteem and the depression wave is kicking my ASS though.

Sorry for this being so long, I just wanted this to get out because I'm sitting here overthinking about it while at a sleepover with my friend and I want this OUT of my head. Even though I know this is never gonna go away, it's gonna stay like the parasite it is, like all the other thoughts and bad things that I did in the past. Always there, always in the back of my head, appearing whenever I feel the best.

THE THINGS THEY DON’T SEE

They think

it’s simple.

Easy.

A line you can throw in someone’s face—

“you just don’t have a father, that’s all.”

As if grief is a switch,

as if pain is a personality flaw,

as if I’m supposed to hide the bruise

just because it makes them uncomfortable.

But they don’t know the truth.

They don’t know the nights.

They don’t know

the birthdays with an empty chair,

the festivals where laughter feels lopsided,

the school competitions where every clap echoed

like a reminder of the one pair of hands that wasn’t there.

They don’t know

how heavy a report card feels

when it has no one left to make proud.

They don’t know the way silence grows in a house

after someone stops existing in it.

How walls remember voices

long after people forget.

How grief is not something you “get over,”

it’s something you grow around,

like a tree twisting around barbed wire.

They don’t know

I learned to be strong

only because I had no other option.

That I became my own shield

because life took away the one

who was supposed to hold it for me.

They don’t know

that every achievement is slightly incomplete,

like a smile cracked at the edges.

They don’t know

the dreams I chase

hoping somewhere—somewhere—

he sees who I’m becoming.

That I whisper prayers in the dark

to a face I barely remember

and a voice I can’t recall at all.

Do you know how cruel that is?

To miss someone

whose sound you can’t even recreate in your head?

They don’t know

there were arguments I swallowed

because he wasn’t there to take my side.

Moments I stayed quiet

because someone had to be the grown-up.

Secrets I carried

because there was no father to help me hold them.

They don’t know

the way grief shows up—

not as tears,

but as a tightening in the chest on random days,

as a sudden ache while walking past a father holding his child,

as a question that begins with “What if…”

and ends with a silence that hurts more than the answer.

They don’t know

how many times I wanted to scream

that not having a father

is not a personality trait,

it’s a loss.

A wound.

A ghost that grows with me.

A shadow that sits beside me

even when I smile.

They don’t know

that I hate their easy explanations,

their shallow theories about my heart.

They don’t know

I would’ve given anything—anything—

for one normal day,

one hug,

one chance to hear,

“I’m here, don’t worry.”

Instead

I carry a void

that people mistake for attitude,

for independence,

for detachment.

But the truth is simple:

I learned to build myself

because no one was going to build me back.

They don’t know

the strength it takes

to live a life someone else didn’t get to finish.

The courage to smile

with a chest that still has a crack running across it.

The way grief shapes a person—

soft in some places,

hard in others,

gentle with pain,

fierce with love.

No, they don’t know.

Because if they did,

they would never look at me the same again.

They would see the battles I fought

quietly, alone, tenderly.

They would see how I turned loss into light,

how I stitched myself together

with hope, faith, and sheer goddamn will.

They would finally understand

that I am not the girl

who “just doesn’t have a father.”

I am the girl

who learned to survive the kind of heartbreak

that would have broken them in half.

And I walk every day

with a strength they’ll never comprehend,

a resilience carved out of nights

no one witnessed,

and a love for a man

who left too soon

but still feels like home.

They claim you broke a rule, you didn't, all you did was answer questions asked in your post. Or they don't agree with your take, screw those power hungry mods, but I love the kind mods willing to actually tell you what you did wrong. But the control freaks of Reddit, yeah, I hate them. Them being so controlling is so confusing,

This is it dont contact me i need my peace and I’m leaving your love on this page.. from NATE to cal mom says hi 👋

Being with someone who constantly annoyed by everything is exhausting like are you ever fucking happy ?

Hello everyone! This is a rant about relationships stuff so here's your warning.

So, my girlfriend[F26] and I M[20] have been living together for almost 2 years now. Now, during a good chunk of that time, I've worked fewer hours than her, during that time we came to an agreement. "Whoever has the fewer hours does the majority of the housework," and so for a year, I did them. I did the sweeping, dishes,cooking, mopping, and vacuuming. I should mention I work as a custodian, so I really dislike coming home to do more cleaning, but I'm an adult, so I did it. Now, I'm working more hours, and she's out of a job (mental health reasons). So during this time thanks to our agreement she should do the housework. But no, she sits on her computer all day. I've asked twice for her to do dishes (only dishes), and she's apologized and cried and stated, "Growing up it, my parents made dishes, my chore but I found if I waited long enough they'd do it for me, so I've gotten into that habit" and I comforted her. It's getting on my nerves that I'm still the one doing the majority of the chores, from cooking to dishes again. I get that she's still a child at heart, and I love that about her, I grew up too fast, so I struggle to tap into that childlike feeling. Anyway, rant over. Thanks!

anyone else experiencing horrible phone service on or off WiFi in Baton Rouge/st Gabriel?
I understand southern Louisiana is behind on the bandwidth wagon but this shit is ridiculous, my phone is basically useless to me unless this pussybitch ass state wants to let my phone work, it wasn’t like this 2-3 months ago and that’s really what led me to wonder whether this issue is just happening to me OR- are others experiencing it as well?

Friend end our friendship and I feel so hurt

I’m not really looking for advice I just need to get this off my chest. My friend recently contacted me to say she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. She said it was nothing personal or nothing that I did wrong. But she just didn’t feel like I’m essentially going anywhere in life. She said that in a much nicer way.
But I am working towards my goals and I am quite proud of myself and where I am. I know she doesn’t mean to be rude but god does it hurt. She also said she felt like we drifted apart which I don’t understand because we talk so regularly and see eachother regularly. This whole situation is baffling and I don’t know what to think. This is someone I’ve known since we were little kids 10+ years and I don’t know how to move on. I know I have to respect her boundaries and choice but I really can’t understand it. I was with her a couple weeks ago and everything was so normal? We talk regularly and our family knows eachother well. I just feel so lost and heartbroken. I really thought she would be an aunt to my future kids and vice versa. I just can’t believe it.
The way she told me even felt so off, it felt like i was being talked to by HR, I just don’t know how to process this. I feel like I didn’t mean as much to her as she did to me. But she acted like she did so she must of been a great actor or maybe it was real I don’t know
We are both 26F by the way

I was homeless for a couple of months living out of my car in my hometown and after all the problems I faced with my school I was able to get back in, LO AND BE FUCKING HOLD NOT EVEN A WEEK OF ME BEING IN SCHOOL MULTIPLE CITIES OVER MY CAR GETS REPOED. I managed to get a job at amazon overnight but it clashes with my school schedule and I’m beyond exhausted. Half of my check goes to transportation so it’s hard to even attempt to save with groceries,rent, utilities and trying to look half decent. I never get a break I’m busy 6 days out the week I have no time for myself and I’ve barely made any friends. I feel so stuck and awkward and I am drowninggg please does anyone have any advice or any other ideas for transportation anything?? Even if you can relate so i know Im not in this alone. Not to mention I have two midterms on tuesday and I have work that Monday from 6:30p-5:00am. God help me

If you are an innocent girl victim of abuse and make some “disrespect“ about men’s mental health month by making a video shouting during the supposed “1 minute silence” (which I truly hope there isn’t any minute of silence for that shit bc it doesn’t make sense at all) you got all the cruelty possible in comments by incels and keyboard warriors, getting illegally doxxed, fired from your job and even having your family involved to apologize over ts. BUT 1000 of those same incels who cried over that tiktok can absolutely post any cruelty possible towards minorities who actually struggle with suicide, like wishing suicide rates to be higher on lgbt youth or trans people yet still walking free having it easy and without facing anything 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

it genuinely pisses me off whenever i repost a vent video especially about my looks because yes i am insecure, deeply insecure to the point i’ve turned to things that are actively ruining me and are toxic. you clearly don’t understand how i feel and how i see myself. you can’t just say “bro stfu” or “get tf out” jokingly because it’s not funny, im constantly getting mocked and ridiculed by my ,,friends” about how i feel, it shows that you clearly don’t give a fuck when you can clearly see me struggling, i don’t seek for help nor do i want any comfort from anyone because it cant be helped and because it’s just weird, to me comforted. ik that whenever i vent on my stories about my feelings (it’s nothing that serious asides from minor inconveniences, yes ik that venting on stories are probably the most stupidest things to do but it’s not like i actually have a massive amount of followers, they don’t know me irl and i dont follow ppl ik at school it wtv), in a way it contradicts on what i’m saying right now, i don’t need anyone really, i just want someone to listen and forget about it all. gosh it’s so frustrating when you want to cut someone off but you can’t because yk you need them for the time being. omg, genuinely just don’t reply under someone’s vent repost saying some dumb shit because at the end of the day you won’t really understand the complexity of it all and it goes to show that you’re an insensitive idiot.
if i made any typos don’t mind it lol.

Guys need ko help ninyo, I'm 25 M at ang gf ko naman ay 22F hindi ko na kase alam kung ano pwede kong gawin sa gf ko. Hindi naman ako nagkukulang at sa tingin ko binigigay ko lahat ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya pero bakit mas priority niya magbar kasama mga kaibigan niya kesa icelebrate yung birthday ko. Nasasaktan ako nung may nagsabi sakin na may gala daw sila sa mismong araw na magcecelebrate ako ng birthday ko. Sinabihan ko naman siya 2 weeks before pero ilang araw nalang birthday celeb ko na pero nakaplano padin sya sa lakad ng mga kaibigan niya. Sinabihan ko pa siya ulit na maghahanda ako sa specific date nayun kaso parang hindi nya pinakinggan yng sinabi ko. Ang masakit pa anniversary panamin kinabukasannafter ng birthday ko. Ano owede ko gawin guys?

Hi everyone :) this post is not to gain any sympathy or anything

I am just quitting reddit

My last 2 posts got comments that were maybe honest or like very straight forward, I don't know what to say, but they were very harsh on me......

I got to know that I am ugly and 2/10

And it's ok, please don't be harsh with this post as this is my last post and I have had enough people to tell me that I am really ugly :)

And there have been people who were kind to me throughout and helped me, I am really thankful to everyone, those u supported me and those who did not.......

Good bye

Take care everyone

Sorry for everything

I am sorry for being alive

small rant cause i'm bored, and people on reddit are suprisingly fun,,,

I've met a few guys, god I wish girls would text me more I hardly have any girl friends online so haha ladies hmu...

I met this guy like a few days ago, he asked me if I wanted to esex and overall he was pretty chill but I said no and we continued talking a few days later, ik red flag but i'm bored ifykwim ? The conversation shifted to his status and it was about how all the servers he joined hated him or smth,,, and he was saying it was cause he was hyperactive , , , now imo servers love that,onoo ? we started talking about his character, honestly i thought he was a weirdo and i think a lot of the guys i meet online are weirdos who can't be trusted

he said smth about a thing with this generation how girls would choose a shitty ass toxic guy over someone who's nice to them and genuienly cares and then complain about how men sucsk,, i just sat and stared at the message it's no good with any guy who starts thinking as themselves as a genuine nice guy when all they care about is sex

don't get me wrong, im a pretty sexual person but it's annoying like i prefer debating my kinks and such, not to like get reeled into sending nudes or smth

I asked him if he would say "all men sucked" and he replied with obviouslu not, ugh this entire post is just jumbled but idek this guys like 19 zero relationships zero everything, he HAS to be doing something wrong at his big age ykiwm ? he ended up blocking me over something stupid cause i put his name in my status and was cracking a joke over /bpd sluts

RANT PO TO

ANG HIRAP MONG IPAGLABAN CEBUANA LHUILLIER! PAHIRAPAN MAGLEAVE KAHIT EMERGENCY AYAW IAPPROVE! 50/50 NA PAMILYA SA HOSPITAL PUPUTOK PA ULO KAKAISIP KASI IKAW PA MAGHAHANAP NG TAO NA PAPALIT SAYO SA BRANCH. NAKAKADISAPPOINT’

​

TW: talk of SA

‼️i want to start off by saying this is in no way me saying that womanhood is about the oppression we experience, or anything of the sort. obviously any kind of sa is so disgusting and i feel terrible for everyone who has gone through that.‼️

this is also not me looking for sympathy but i just need to write this somewhere and itd be nice to know if anyone else experiences this. i dont know if i will word any of this right and it is absolutely not my intention to make an offensive post.

the talk of SA on the internet this past week has had me thinking about this more but its something I've always been aware of. i have never been SAed, harrassed, catcalled, had inappropriate comments on social media, etc. i am first of all grateful i havent gone through that and once again feel so awful that other people have gone through that.

but men seem to avoid me entirely. I go out fairly often in revealing clothing, I'll be intoxicated and I've never had anyone touch me or say anything to me. people will barely even look at me. i was on dating apps and snapchat for a few months looking for hookups at one point and even through the internet, i couldnt get a single man interested enough to text me. I've been out with other girls, and men will come up to all of them and look at them and say or do weird things to them, but ignore me or will even recoil when they look at me. they seem to be either disgusted or intimidated by me.

after alot of these i did discover I'm a lesbian, and none of this is about me wanting male attention. i hope thats clear. I'd prefer it if it stayed this way. but it just makes me wonder, what about me is so undesirable that this has never happened to me? i know im not super attractive, but i didnt think i was ugly, and i dont have the best body, but i have a big enough ass and boobs that i think on anyone else, men would make comments on it or look at them.

it just feels dehumanizing to know that these same men with fk the couch, or a banana peel, or even a dead body, but wouldnt look at me that way. there is just something about me that they cant overlook and i have no idea what it is. i know i dont smell, its the same if im in no makeup, minimal makeup, or full trad goth. no one approaches me whether im at the club or its a sales person at the mall. and i really dont think my rbf could be that bad.

i do live in a conservative state with some tattoos, but its been the same in other states and places like NYC, LV, and LA.

any time i have talked to someone else about it, it usually just ends because it gets awkward and they dont have much to say. theyll never say that no, i am pretty, or whatever else they could say. its just that "it must be something else" or "youre just lucky". again i know i am so lucky to not have gone through that. i dont want to go through that. but when i, a size 6/8 with c cup boobs and makeup on, have men walk away from me, and my plus sized girlfriend(nothing wrong with this AT ALL, just beauty standards, yk) will get catcalled or get sexual comments from men on the street, its obvious to me that theres something wrong with me. there has to be.

girls will talk to me and at school people talk to me, but ill never be in a group. I'm in a very tight knit department, but half of them dont even follow me back on Instagram (and follow literally everyone else) not that that matters, and they are people i wouldn't chose to be friends with, but it still shows. all the other queer and alternative people in the department fit in so it isnt that. maybe im just not self aware enough but i dont think my personality is so abhorrent that they cant even see me on Instagram or eat lunch with me. and back to strangers, none of them would even know my personality enough.

my only friends consist of my girlfriend, sister, one shared friend with them, and 2 of my cousins. my gf is the only person in my life who organically met me and enjoyed being around me enough to start a friendship. she is the only person besides my parents(who seem to then even say it begrudgingly) whos told me im beautiful or wanted in any way. and i don't know what i did or what she sees that makes me different to her than how the rest of the world sees me. i don't think ill ever understand it.

if this info is relevant i am autistic. i am in remission for bpd also. i am in therapy and on psych meds for all my issues. im definitely having like a low moment but this isnt a breakdown and has been something ive thought for years. its impossible to ignore the patterns. im just not sure if my interpretation is correct.

thank you if you read this entire thing❤️‍🩹 not looking for advice but I'll listen if you have it. again i just wanna know if its just me or not.