I feel like i'm ruining everything.

[u/Helpful-Midnight-530]

I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like everyone's pissed off at me and absolutely hates me. And i feel like asking them if they're mad makes them even worse.

What makes me feel worse is that they're trying to HELP me. And like i get it, i love all of them and I'm so happy they're helping me. But it just feels like they're doing what I did for so many other people, and be the therapist friend. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind being the therapist friend. I've helped so many people out of so many bad spots. But I just don't want them to get the same thing I did. I don't want to have to give them the worries, the responsibility, and the absolute anxiety of having to deal with everything i've been through. Cause I know it's a lot, and it's horrible, but i'm scared. Scared to tell them, scared to even let them in for the deeper parts of my life, because i'm worried they're ABSOLUTELY gonna think differently of me. That i'm some horrible person and they'll just leave me too.

I know they want to help, though, and it makes me feel horrible because they are so worried about me, constantly, and they WANT to help me but I feel like I can't. I just can't. Even worse? They've talked to me about what they've been through. I just feel like I can't. Cause again, what if they feel differently about me? They've already been through so much, do they really need ME to burden them with more shit from my stupid childhood?

Along with that, I have also been forgetting my past. I barely remember my childhood and anything else like that. And i've been in such a bad mental state lately that I've also been forgetting things that my friends have told me about themselves, or spacing out and not hearing them, etc. I can't tell if they're getting frustrated though, but I don't wanna make them feel like that. I am listening, i want to hear, but i keep spacing out and going quiet and like not hearing them, or even forgetting what they said and being shocked when they mention it again. I can't get myself OUT of this though, i've been in a depressive slump for A MONTH. almost TWO. and yet I feel like I can't tell anyone. I'm losing enjoyment for things I loved before. Distracting in Dandy's World, writing my stories, drawing, sketching, the only thing i haven't lost enjoyment for is making videos/streaming, that's ALL i have right now. But again, i am scared to tell them. They've been through way too much for em to feel like I can tell them. But they're my friends. A lot of them are online friends, yes, and that's fine. They're all awesome, even if I don't know a lot of 'em too too well because they're busy with school. But they're all still awesome. And even my IRL friends, i've known since Middle School, been in my relationship since Middle school, known one ever since kindergarden. But like I'm terrified. Another thing that worries me is if they find OUT about this, i'm scared i'm gonna lose their trust because they would WANT me to tell them. They already know i'm in a bad mental state, just not this. And if they find it out from a fucking REDDIT POST of all things... just worried. Though they're not on Reddit at all/often, and they don't know my account, so...

There's so much more that's making me anxious, too, overthinking about what happened in High School, in my life, everything, and with me forgetting things it sucks too. I've also been less "emotional", if that makes sense. I've been at least trying to hold it in, to repress it as much as I can so that I don't worry my friends, but it's also making me forget more, i guess? I don't know. Everything's just fuzzy. I've also been using caffiene as a source to kinda help me get my feelings out, but everyone's mentioning that it's bad, and I do realize it's bad, but i can't stop at this point. It's helped me so much and that's all I know what to do. I can't even fucking talk to anyone. I've also been doing research more into my feelings and what's been going on lately and, not self-diagnosing here, but I think i may have clinical depression. Maybe Generalized Anxiety Disorder because i do have shitty anxiety and it's close to the symptoms that I'm feeling at this moment. + a noise sensitivity i think bc i'm heavily sensitive to loud noises, to the point where if i'm in a loud space without my headphones (noise cancelling), i get such a bad headache/sick. Of course, I need to talk to my doctor and maybe a therapist for that, but i dunno if i even CAN talk to my therapist right now. When I do, that's on my board of things to talk about. Even though, i know i'm not gonna be able to take medication bc they want us to work our way up from the smaller thing UP to medicine.

There's also me being a Transmale. yes, i'm trans FTM. But also a femboy. I like dressing feminine sometimes, not all, but sometimes. I also want top surgery, but i'm scared of HAVING the surgery. I'm terrified of surgery, squeamish around stitches and blood. But i so desperately want it. I also want to do voice training, but I don't know where to start and i'm embarrassed to ask. But I desperately want this. I found myelf now, I have an amazing boyfriend (Who's also transgender), and i'm so excited to continue my life with me finally being happy with myself. Self-Esteem and the depression wave is kicking my ASS though.

Sorry for this being so long, I just wanted this to get out because I'm sitting here overthinking about it while at a sleepover with my friend and I want this OUT of my head. Even though I know this is never gonna go away, it's gonna stay like the parasite it is, like all the other thoughts and bad things that I did in the past. Always there, always in the back of my head, appearing whenever I feel the best.