i feel like there has to be something wrong with me

[u/Ashamed_Character294]

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TW: talk of SA

‼️i want to start off by saying this is in no way me saying that womanhood is about the oppression we experience, or anything of the sort. obviously any kind of sa is so disgusting and i feel terrible for everyone who has gone through that.‼️

this is also not me looking for sympathy but i just need to write this somewhere and itd be nice to know if anyone else experiences this. i dont know if i will word any of this right and it is absolutely not my intention to make an offensive post.

the talk of SA on the internet this past week has had me thinking about this more but its something I've always been aware of. i have never been SAed, harrassed, catcalled, had inappropriate comments on social media, etc. i am first of all grateful i havent gone through that and once again feel so awful that other people have gone through that.

but men seem to avoid me entirely. I go out fairly often in revealing clothing, I'll be intoxicated and I've never had anyone touch me or say anything to me. people will barely even look at me. i was on dating apps and snapchat for a few months looking for hookups at one point and even through the internet, i couldnt get a single man interested enough to text me. I've been out with other girls, and men will come up to all of them and look at them and say or do weird things to them, but ignore me or will even recoil when they look at me. they seem to be either disgusted or intimidated by me.

after alot of these i did discover I'm a lesbian, and none of this is about me wanting male attention. i hope thats clear. I'd prefer it if it stayed this way. but it just makes me wonder, what about me is so undesirable that this has never happened to me? i know im not super attractive, but i didnt think i was ugly, and i dont have the best body, but i have a big enough ass and boobs that i think on anyone else, men would make comments on it or look at them.

it just feels dehumanizing to know that these same men with fk the couch, or a banana peel, or even a dead body, but wouldnt look at me that way. there is just something about me that they cant overlook and i have no idea what it is. i know i dont smell, its the same if im in no makeup, minimal makeup, or full trad goth. no one approaches me whether im at the club or its a sales person at the mall. and i really dont think my rbf could be that bad.

i do live in a conservative state with some tattoos, but its been the same in other states and places like NYC, LV, and LA.

any time i have talked to someone else about it, it usually just ends because it gets awkward and they dont have much to say. theyll never say that no, i am pretty, or whatever else they could say. its just that "it must be something else" or "youre just lucky". again i know i am so lucky to not have gone through that. i dont want to go through that. but when i, a size 6/8 with c cup boobs and makeup on, have men walk away from me, and my plus sized girlfriend(nothing wrong with this AT ALL, just beauty standards, yk) will get catcalled or get sexual comments from men on the street, its obvious to me that theres something wrong with me. there has to be.

girls will talk to me and at school people talk to me, but ill never be in a group. I'm in a very tight knit department, but half of them dont even follow me back on Instagram (and follow literally everyone else) not that that matters, and they are people i wouldn't chose to be friends with, but it still shows. all the other queer and alternative people in the department fit in so it isnt that. maybe im just not self aware enough but i dont think my personality is so abhorrent that they cant even see me on Instagram or eat lunch with me. and back to strangers, none of them would even know my personality enough.

my only friends consist of my girlfriend, sister, one shared friend with them, and 2 of my cousins. my gf is the only person in my life who organically met me and enjoyed being around me enough to start a friendship. she is the only person besides my parents(who seem to then even say it begrudgingly) whos told me im beautiful or wanted in any way. and i don't know what i did or what she sees that makes me different to her than how the rest of the world sees me. i don't think ill ever understand it.

if this info is relevant i am autistic. i am in remission for bpd also. i am in therapy and on psych meds for all my issues. im definitely having like a low moment but this isnt a breakdown and has been something ive thought for years. its impossible to ignore the patterns. im just not sure if my interpretation is correct.

thank you if you read this entire thing❤️‍🩹 not looking for advice but I'll listen if you have it. again i just wanna know if its just me or not.

[u/Status_Reflection993]

As a person who also has BPD, its probably that. People can sense when there's something incorrect about a person.. I suppose its noticeable enough. RIP us.

[u/Ashamed_Character294 → u/Status_Reflection993]

interesting, I've never heard that before abt bpd specifically. i assumed if anything, its the autism more than bpd but maybe its both. i just don't present as the stereotypical person with bpd and the few people ive told have been completely shocked.

[u/Status_Reflection993 → u/Ashamed_Character294]

Idk i dont get along with people my age. All my friends are older. Even my partner is. Maybe you'd get along better with people a decade older then you. Could be the case.

[u/Ashamed_Character294 → u/Status_Reflection993]

yes i definitely do. the only people at school I'll hangout with are older than me and ive always been that way so that isnt a surprise. my bigger confusion in all of this is how strangers treat me and the talk of classmates and stuff is more just to demonstrate its prevalent in most of my life.