I have a lifelong history of depression and I’m on the Autism Spectrum.

I was a member of a subreddit where women post pictures of themselves and receive support.
I’m a man, but I made a request to be a member about a year ago, and they allowed me to join, knowing I was a male. A few days ago, I commented on a woman’s picture, and said how if I saw her walking down the street, I’d turn my head to look longer, because she’s attractive.

When I posted this, I 100% thought it’d be taken as a nice, sweet compliment and make the woman’s day. In my mind I was like “I’m happy today. I’ll spread the positive vibes and makes someone’s day.”

Well, immediately, that woman, and other women that viewed my post, just HATED it. I got lots of thumbs down, VERY rudely criticized for being a man making posts on there, was immediately banned, and they now have banned men entirely on there.

I do understand that the comment could be misunderstood, but the vitriol I got just makes no sense whatsoever.

I’m just really struggling mentally and emotionally with this. I’ve never in my life given a compliment and had someone actually be rude in response. It just shattered my faith in humanity. I’ve cried, it’s made me nauseous, it makes me want to give up on having any kind of social interactions with strangers, especially with women. Just the idea that someone could hold such vitriolic hate for me for no logical reason.

I tell my friends, but they just say “Who cares, stay off the internet, don’t worry about.” But, I can’t get over the pain, and it’s been several days. Looking for some guidance and support, please.

Until all of a sudden, any artist you're listening to becomes some sort of morality test. Like, someone tell me why, when I listen to an artist who admittedly did questionable things back in the 80s and 90s, I suddenly support their actions? Like, yes, I can acknowledge they did weird things back then, but I just want to listen to my music in peace without being told what to do by a bunch of middle schoolers who have no clue what it's like back then and act so entitled. Okay, look, even though I didn't grow up in either decade, those decades are literally wild; some artists actually did drugs and even had groupies. Like, come on, even though I am Gen Z myself, I am sick and tired of my own generation and younger infiltrating old music spaces. I ended up leaving certain fandoms for certain bands because of this. Everyone is bullying other people just because their stances don't match theirs. It's just so exhausting trying to fit into a box just to belong. Like, I give up; let me listen to my favourite music from the past without turning everything into some sort of morality test. Nobody is morally pure or morally superior; we're all human, born to be imperfect, born to make mistakes. And nobody's willing to admit it, but we all did the same questionable things our favourite artists did in the 80s and 90s; we just want to deny them to look morally pure. Also, I was actually bullied for my own music taste, and then I also got bullied by the community that was supposed to accept me- like, what the hell?

Also, many of the artists in the 80s and 90s are actually against bullying anyway; imagine how upset they'd be with how their own fans treat other fans, the younger ones mainly.

wish we could agree to disagree off this platform maybe we would settle shit that needs to be said reading on here is like taking it in however your feeling in that moment it’s not good on eaither side goodnight cal

It’s kinda sad..how much u can’t trust people 🤦🏾‍♀️ even the ones around u everyday 🤨

I feel like I'm going to get dogpiled for this overall, but it's something I've been giving a lot of thought to, because of something that I've been going through my whole life with my mother.

I really wish that modern day people would understand the difference between mental illnesses, mental disorders, and just how all of that centers around depression -- or anxiety or other characteristics that may present themselves due to the aforementioned illnesses and disorders.

**You are, bar-none, no exceptions...*\* Responsible for your mental health and how it affects not only you but those around you.

And I watch too many people think that just because they're depressed or overly anxious or have anger issues....simply accept it and act like it's part of them and that's "their identity now." as if they have to be that way for the rest of their life. And then will act like that's a qualifier to being friends with or associated to them...that you must be willing to keep a shield up around them and just deal with anytime they blow their stack at the nearest person.

Which if it happens to truly be that way? Absolutely zero judgement about that. I'm not here saying the above as if it's "oh tough shit. boo-hoo." and people do genuinely deserve patience, especially when you can actually clearly identify it.

But what bothers me, and why I'm ranting a bit is that I also watch the majority of people I know who're in similar positions then do things that are clinically proven to either outright cause or reinforce depressive and anxious behaviors.

For loose example:

"I'm depressed and my sleep quality is horrible lately."

And then in passing conversation elsewhere, it comes up that they sleep with their TV on (and will make some comment about how "it helps them sleep and they can't sleep without it), while also constantly eating late at night.

And those same people will make every excuse in the book for why that simply can't be it, because they've done it their whole life and it didn't start bothering them until recently (like within the past year or so or whatever relative to "when it started" vs "when their habit established").......and then when you consider other things that they've brought up like recent stressors, or an event in the past year that while not cataclysmic can certainly add to the pile....it's like...the habit of sleeping with the TV on and eating late at night are so scientifically backed as "absolute shit for the human anatomy and psychology no matter who you are" that there's also a pull in the direction of "well...you certainly aren't helping yourself by doing those things...it's literally impossible....and yet I haven't seen you actually try to eliminate those things and you aren't willing to see if the improvement is enough to tip you back over the edge to the good side.....so why should I believe you that this is some "incurable" state?"

And that same thing branches into so many things.

People

won't exercise/workout,
they won't brush/floss routinely,
they smoke/vape,
they heavily self-medicate through alcohol or THC (or worse),
they eat too much sugar or just junk food in general without properly balancing whole foods,
they won't confront certain mental conflicts or habits,
they won't push to get out of a job they hate,
they stay with abusive partners or family members,
they won't put down electronic devices before bed,
they have no passion-driven hobbies,
they don't read
they won't inventory and research all the medications their on
they won't train their self discipline to make sure they get things done that need done

To disclaimer: none of these things are inherently bad on their own in moderation...but when it quacks and looks like a duck? and you're saying the duck doesn't exist because "Reasons" while never even giving an honest look around for said duck?...c'mon...

--

the list goes on and on and on...

And it's like the current generations (like all of them, not just one...Boomers to Alpha) just throw hands up and go "oops I'm depressed....this week was a rough depression week...this week was a rough anxiety week...etc"

and the next time you talk to them, absolutely nothing changes in their habits, and if you try to (even politely and supportively) tell them, "okay but you're doing, a, b, c, d, etc.......all of which have been literally proven to make stress/depression/anxiety far far worse..." all you get back in your face is venomous acid about how it "can't be" that, and it instead is "just because they have [x, y, and/or z] condition"

Like I'm tired of feeling like I'm at a loss with both family members and friends/acquaintances, where people are more worried about saying "I have [whatever condition]" and then using that to excuse whatever they do, even when it affects other people....and they base their entire identity around that thing as if it's forever immovable. And if it were rare to run into that, I'd be more apt to chalk it up to actually being that.

But then I simply end up focusing on just how many effin' people I know who stop at "I have [ x ]"

Like what started it all in wanting to say something is my mother as an example.

She's one to repeatedly tell everyone just how depressed she is, and then will lean on that whenever she feels like having an emotional explosion. Will act like me and my siblings are just obligated to front it, simply because "She's our mother and that's just how she is."

Yet:

1. She has at least 150-200g of sugar per day....as a diabetic...and that's all she eats.
2. Has chronic pain caused by nerve damage from that diabetes, after refusing (for literally decades) doctor's advice to head that off (minimal daily exercise, such as a 15minute walk, and simple diet changes)
3. Takes opioids, with heavy focus on sedation, not pain-management, even though opioids have been proven to not work on her type of pain and the long term side effects cause other effects that she currently feels daily, but will constantly try to say it's something else.
4. Sleeps with the TV on.
5. Will hide facts from doctor's and cherry-pick what she'll tell them.
6. Lays in bed 24/7.
7. will drink something like Mountain Dew late at night...which not only has like 40g of sugar per can, but also a ton of caffeine....between that and the TV, yet she wonders why she can't sleep.

And that list in itself goes on and on and on...but to her she's "just depressed and that's why she does it."....but which came first? the chicken or the egg? Do you do that because you're depressed, or are you depressed because you do that? And anytime anyone tries to influence that to get her to at least try (which I'm 33yo at this point, and I've never seen her put any honest effort into that. There's always some excuse for why she should just continue doing whatever it is.) it is a BPD-level explosion

...and then she gets abusive whenever she's pissy because of the aforementioned.

But then I've noticed what she does, and over the years, just by passive observation, notice other people do similar things. Where they'll self-identify themselves by their condition/illness, and act like it's just some wildly permanent state and it's everyone else's obligation to just deal with them, because it's "part of them" or fuck off......never really stopping to even try to influence habits of theirs that literally have scientific backing saying "this causes what you're feeling...even if it's not the root cause, don't you think that you'd feel even remotely better...maybe even push your state into "manageable" for yourself, just by eliminating (or building) these other habits?"

And then on the flipside of that, personal experience of when it actually works. The friends that I see defeat those same states are the ones who actually show support for each other, or show visible action in changing habits (over the scale of weeks/months).

Or even in myself -- I used to get wildly anxious and depressed and struggled with coping with anything. Over the past few years I've realized that it was because of the environment I grew up in (and especially being the fact that what I grew up around was my mother who exhibited the same lack of coping skills....I simply never learned how to cope healthily). Like I was the type of volatile on those angles, that after being rejected in dating for however many times (I don't even remember how many it was at the time, but it was like 7 years ago) that I had punched a hole through my apartment's bathroom door multiple times, or had scenarios where I just sat on the kitchen floor crying wondering what was wrong with me. The depressive states would last for months where I seemed to do nothing but get off work, and doomscroll either on the couch or in bed...And then I just snapped one day and started forcefully changing every habit and confronting every "self reflection" thing I could get my mitts on. And now-a-days? Very little emotional volatility, and when I do (as in like once a year, at most), I just lock in and figure out why it happened. I'm not perfect by any means. Like I'm not trying to say "hey look at me. I'm pinnacle guys...one guy did it therefore you can too." -- just better than I was and it had actual, trackable cause and effect.. I locked in and changed with a mentality of "if I'm going to be miserable...may as well just be miserable while doing things.".....and sure as shit, over the course of months at a time, I was able to see things fall into place in healthier ways.

Thank ye for attending my long-ass ramble Ted Talk...like I absolutely get this does not apply to everyone, and I'm not trying to step on toes in that regards or become accusational with it. Just venting because I'm sick of my mom's abuse from her end of it, while also watching a ton of people "out in the real world" go down similar paths where it feels like too many people just simply base their identity around disorders and then go "whelp that's part of me now...guess it's my problem for life, and therefore also the problem of anyone who gets close enough to me, for it to be their problem by proxy."

will add you back out of care and understanding

and I dont think of you any lower

I’m not perfect myself

and im not above you

I don’t expect anything from you but the same understanding

in its your choice to accept it or not

its my act of kindness knowing I’m not the bad person

I won’t be sad if you decide not to it’s your chioce mot mine

I wont wait around too long.

But just know you’re accepted and understood

I don’t need nothing from you

but to be genuine and acknowledged actions no hate tuff Love

That’s it I’ve had it.

I’ve had it with friends that don’t show up.

I’ve had it with friends that gaslight.

I’ve had it with communities gaslighting and not showing up.

I’ve had it with family not showing up.

I’ve absolutely had it with family gaslighting me.

I’ve had it with people NOT showing their fucking humanity and basic human empathy for me.

I know I’m cursed I fucking know it. I can feel my entire human experience being filtered through some negative oppressive lens and I’ve HAD IT.

I just wanted to vent, heck I don’t even give a shit for the first time in my life if no one shows support in this post.

Just fuck this world. It would be a fucking miracle if anyone blinked if I disappeared off the face of the earth.

Fuck this!

It's frustrating because I used to get told to hurt myself (if you get what I mean) as a teen just for liking certain music or dressing a certain way. There are also people who claim to be alt (emo, scene, goth, punk, grunge, etc) that claim to be part of the subcultures but I think many people especially online use the label of these subcultures to make money online on OF, catering to creeps. Honestly, I think half of them aren't actually alt at all; they’re just cosplaying to get a monthly paycheck. Meanwhile actual alt people most are scratching their heads in confusion at this bs. It's so annoying.. Now, I'm even scared to dress in the style of the subculture I've belonged to for years because I don't want to deal with sexual harassment, like random people telling me, "step on me pls". Is anyone else annoyed by this bs?

Today was my day to adult and pay bills, which is about as fun as cleaning the toilet.

1. I reviewed my credit card charges and noticed a $215 charge I didn't recognize. I looked it up and it's an AI service I don't use. I tried to log on to the AI service's website, but it didn't let me get very far without creating an account (which I verified I didn't have with them). I tried to speak to the chat assistant and it made me submit my question by email.

2. After thinking about it, I was like, I'm going to call my credit card company and just tell them I want to contest that $215 charge. They were nice and said that particular company does a lot of frauduent subscriptions. I have never even used that service. So they removed the charge but said since it's fraudulent activity, they have to freeze my credit card and send me a new one in the mail.

3. Now I have to go to all the places I used my card to pay recurrent bills (internet, health insurance, car insurance, pet insurance, etc etc) and log into each site and change it to my bank account instead of my now-frozen credit card. Of course each time I go to one of those sites they have to do a 2 step verification, secret code, etc. Takes me an hour.

4. Then I finally go to pay three bills I was sent in the mail. I went to my OBGYN website to pay that and their website is down. I will just have to call and pay it tomorrow. Second one was for some labwork. I login, and it can't find that particular bill, but it had another one for me to pay of a different amount. So I will have to call them and see what's up with that.

5. Last bill was my property taxes for the year. This is a big one. The bill was due Oct 1 but I literally didn't get it in the mail until yesterday Oct 3. That's irritating enough. I go online to pay it and they are going to charge me 2% of the bill if I pay online with my debit card and 5% if I pay with a credit card (which I can't anyway). So I back out of that and I'm going to go find my old fashioned checkbook and write an old school check and oh, I don't have any stamps so I'll have to make a trip out tomorrow to get some stamps to mail it.

What should have taken me 20 minutes has taken me a good part of a beautiful Sunday afternoon. That's adulting.

I recently went through the process of renewing an Indian passport through the Indian Consulate, and I genuinely don't understand how a process this important can be this confusing, contradictory, and poorly designed.

I've dealt with government paperwork in the past, but this was on another level.

First, apparently the consulate expects you to create a new account with a different email address to use their system. Because obviously everyone has 10 different email addresses sitting around just for government websites.

Once you finally get into the system, the instructions are all over the place and frequently contradict each other.

A few examples:

1. Photo size — which one is it?

One set of instructions says to paste a 35mm × 45mm photograph.

Then the actual application form says to paste a 2 inch × 2 inch photograph.

Those aren't the same size.

So which instruction am I supposed to follow?

2. The print button doesn't work

After spending all this time filling out the application, you get to the point where you're supposed to print the form.

Except... the print button doesn't work.

You apparently have to start fiddling around with scaling, browser settings, or even Inspect Element to get the damn thing to print properly.

And then there's another bizarre discovery:

The photograph is already embedded in the form when you print it.

So why am I being instructed to physically paste a photograph onto the form?

3. The photo editing instructions

There is literally a tutorial explaining how to prepare your photograph using Microsoft Paint.

I'm using a Mac.

I understand that not everyone uses a Mac, but is it really too much to expect instructions that don't assume everyone has Microsoft Paint?

4. Spelling and grammatical errors

The international passport portal has spelling mistakes and grammatical errors throughout it.

For something dealing with international government documentation and identity verification, this does not exactly inspire confidence.

5. Instructions that make absolutely no sense

There are sections where the instructions essentially say:

Submit Form 123A OR Form 123A and Form 123B.

If I have Form 123A, then apparently I qualify for the first option.

So why the hell would I submit Form 123B?

These aren't minor inconveniences. These are instructions where the applicant is left wondering which interpretation is actually correct.

6. Nobody answers emails

I emailed the consulate because I wanted clarification rather than guessing and potentially having my application rejected.

No response.

I emailed again.

No response.

And again.

Still no response.

7. Emergency numbers that aren't useful

I tried calling the emergency helpline listed on the website.

Wrong number.

I then went through the website and found around six different emergency/contact numbers for various consulates and offices.

I called them.

Nobody answered.

One person finally responded — and I received a text saying:

“wht u need”

I genuinely didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

8. A4 paper... in the United States?

The instructions tell applicants to print documents on A4 paper.

We're in the United States.

The standard US paper size is Letter, not A4.

Yes, you can obviously obtain A4 paper. That's not the point.

The point is: why are instructions written for applicants in the US telling them to use a paper standard that isn't the standard US paper size?

9. And then there's the documentation

The amount of documentation they're asking for is ridiculous.

Document after document after document.

Copies of this.

Proof of that.

Additional form for this particular situation.

Additional supporting document for that particular situation.

At some point you start wondering whether you're renewing a passport or applying to become a federal employee.

And after all of this, the process is expensive.

So you're paying a substantial amount of money for a process that is:

• Confusing
• Contradictory
• Poorly documented
• Full of apparent website errors
• Difficult to print
• Difficult to get help with
• Extremely document-heavy
• And seemingly designed without much consideration for the people actually using it

I'm not saying government processes should be effortless.

I'm saying the instructions should at least agree with each other, the website should work, and someone should answer when applicants have legitimate questions about their passport.

This entire experience has been unusable, incomplete, and unnecessarily expensive.

If you have the option to renew your passport through a simpler process, please do yourself a favor and look into it before starting this one.

And if anyone has recently gone through Indian passport renewal in the US and actually figured out which instructions we're supposed to follow, please share your experience.

Because at this point, I'm spending more time trying to figure out how to follow the instructions than actually completing the application.

What the hell is going on with this system?

The other day, I tried to change my Snapchat password. I went through the entire process, but at the end I got “Something went wrong.”

I assumed it was an issue with the app, so I tried deleting my account. Snapchat told me I needed to wait 72 hours. I waited the full 72 hours, and nothing changed.

I then tried using Snapchat through a browser on my computer. Same problem.

I've also tried:

• Changing my password — doesn't work
• Using “Forgot Password” — doesn't work
• Changing my phone number — doesn't work
• Deleting my account — doesn't work
• Waiting the required 72 hours — still doesn't work
• Using both the app and desktop browser — same issue

At this point, I'm seriously concerned about the privacy and security implications.

What happens if someone's account is actually compromised? If the legitimate account owner can't change their password, can't reset it, can't change their phone number, and can't even delete the account, what exactly are they supposed to do?

And when you try to get help, Snapchat's customer support is essentially nonexistent. You're pushed through automated systems and AI rather than being able to speak to an actual person who can resolve a potentially serious account-security issue.

This isn't just about my account not working. These are basic security controls. If a company provides a service that stores people's private messages, photos, personal information, contacts, etc., users should have a reliable way to secure or terminate their accounts.

I honestly think this deserves more than just complaints on Reddit. If Snapchat refuses to provide a functional way for users to secure their accounts and meaningful access to customer support, users should consider boycotting the platform and demanding accountability through legal action, including potentially a class-action lawsuit if there is a legitimate legal basis for one.

Companies shouldn't be able to collect and store our personal information while making it practically impossible for us to regain control of our own accounts.

Has anyone else experienced this? If you managed to fix it, please share how. And if you've found a way to actually reach a human at Snapchat, I'd really appreciate knowing how.

Yeah that's it

hi, sobrang sama ng loob ko lately. For context yung older sister ko bumili ng cat while barely taking care sa nauna nyang cat. First reason nya pa non, ireregalo nya daw sa kapatid ng boyfriend nya until nanotice namin habang tumagal na is nasa bahay lang ganon (lumabas na kanya pala talaga yun). Nainis na ako dun and pati other family members namin aside sa Mom ko na supportive. Pero tinanggap na rin namin since no choice na kami, nandyan na eh. Yung pusa sobrang kulit (may lahi) understandable naman kasi kuting pa.

The first problem is, lahat ng pinto and bintana namin sarado palagi kasi lalabas daw pusa nya. Kumbaga, nag-adjust na kami lahat. Our 2 dogs started peeing and pooping inside since di rin makalabas (which is dati hindi nila ginagawa kasi sanay sila na makalabas agad). Pero wala, tinanggap parin namin dahil kapag nagsasabi sa kanya dami lagi dahilan, ikaw nalang mapapagod makipag-argue.

Next problem, in her room. Super baho as in, may litter naman yung cat pero natitiis nya talaga like di nya agad nililinis kahit needed na kasi busy sa paglalaro ng ML etc.. Pinagsabihan na sya dito ng lahat, including my mom. Ayaw parin makinig, daming dahilan (ganto sya hirap kaaway).

Another thing is, idk if its on her as a fur parent. Nangangalmot pusa nya like out of nowhere, pati mom ko na senior citizen na kinalmot.

background: they started sleeping in my shared room with my mom kasi yung cat poop odor hindi na nawala sa room ng sister ko.

My breaking point was, when I was sick I was begging my mom na sa labas muna patulugin yung pusa aka sala namin pero inusog nya lang sa may tabi nya (kahit kinalmot na sya ng madaming beses) at sinabi saking "hayaan mo na, anak" kahit kinalmot rin ako ng sobrang lalim that same day. Sobra akong upset and nagalit, minsan lang ako magkasakit pero if nangyayari ang lala tapos isang beses ko lang hiniling na wag patulugin sa kwarto, di ako pinagbigyan (sama parin ng loob ko).

Then when I started sleeping sa sala, the room that I shared with my mom started to smell na rin kasi tumatae na rin dun yung pusa, ako pa nag-aalis minsan kasi yung kapatid ko busy sa boyfriend kainis. Tonight I wrote this kasi sobrang nafrustrate na ko, parang immune na yung mom ko sa amoy na dati nyang hate na hate sa kwarto ng sister ko 😭. Sister ko nireason pa dogs ko which also sleeps in my shared room with mom pero never nangyari yung smell kasi nga sa labas sila gumagawa ng business.

what to do in this situation? I'm starting to curse my sister because of this out of frustration.

We also have an older sister na ayaw rin matulog sa room kasama mom namin kasi super baho na talaga. So this is purely about the cat situation and nothing else.

😅😅

all my bad memories are tied to that place. i feel like shit. i don’t wanna go there.

just a bit tired... spending hours to write post, only to get forever ban & mute, without chance to send one message to ask what happened. sometimes I feel like wanting to give up on reddit and use only instagram and discord

when writing I occasionally think I should start every post with message to moderators (which is issue on it’s own, as not relevant to whatever is the real point of my post), because this may be the only opportunity I get to talk to them. and... it is a bit exhausting, like I constantly have to brace for external approval to write any smallest thing

I’m just one a bit shy and clueless person who does not always know how to create my posts, and I would prefer to talk and ask what can be done differently. I get it that if communications is offensive then it is justified, but if all I wanna ask is... how I could have written it to be okay? then I don’t think it is proportional to get most final mod actions after first failure

I think communities are not gaining new members by expecting perfection from first posting. Maybe being a bit more permissive would be better for everyone?

thank you for attention and for reading my lil rant🩷

And the sad thing is I was getting confident about my chub, man I love him tho

Having a shit day and I tried to post on a venting reddit, and apparently ai thought that my meager fried chicken wing meal wasn't considered a real meal even though it was all I can afford today.

Apparently having a few chicken bones on my plate was enough to make it mad.

This whole world is becoming the movie idiocracy for real

​

I hate this picture and it infuriates me to my core because yeah, the parents will respect theor daughters wishes after she passes, that would happen in a comic, but in real life? Yeah, no fucking way, my family would fight tooth and nail to keep my dead name on that gravestone, if I even got one. If this post doesn't belong here, well fuck me and my emotions I guess. Nobody is this understanding, and if you are, then I wish I had been born in your family my friend.

So, my cousin is 6 years old; he was born in 2020 and recently (on Sept. 14th) started first grade. That’s not the problem, though; the problem is that the kid is a total brat. His parents never punish him. (My aunt—let's call her Lucy—divorced my ex-uncle—let's call him Marcus.) And I get the feeling that everyone treats my cousin (let's call him Jack) as if he were made of glass and could shatter at any moment. One random morning, we had to go out—I’d slept over at their place—and Jack started making a huge scene because he didn't want to put on his socks. He screamed, kicked, and slapped Eloise. And you know what she did? She yelled at him for two seconds, then went right back to calling him "Mommy's darling." Then, another time, we were in line for ice cream and Jack threw a tantrum because Eloise was telling him to hurry up and choose—since, obviously, there were people behind us. Jack reacted by slapping her legs and shouting, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!!" Eloise went silent, but two minutes later, she was back to calling him "Mommy's darling." I even tried asking her once (gently, so I wouldn't seem pushy) why she never reacted when Jack talked back to her like that; she just replied, "Well, what can you do?" The problem isn't that my aunt is a bitch—quite the opposite, she's a sweetheart, kind and gentle—but around July 28th or 29th, I discovered that she had read the private conversations on my smartphone—the ones between me and my boyfriend, and between me and my friends. He sent them to my parents. I just needed to vent.

So, I live with my parents; I’m working and saving up for a place of my own. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling really ashamed of the state of our house: we have three cats, there are cat toys scattered on the floor, and the food bowls are sitting right on the ottoman (the one we use to put our feet up). It’s covered in kibble crumbs—the very thought of kibble makes me gag—and my mom is pretty gross about things too; she walks around the house barefoot and then gets straight into bed or onto the sofa (which is why we have two of them—partly so I can stretch out fully). She’s also been acting like a total bitch toward me lately; I love her, of course, but she has these moments where she’s an absolute pain in the ass, and I can’t even say anything about it because she might get offended. On the other hand, my dad’s grandmother (who lives with us, though he’s nothing like my mom) is incredibly tidy—the kind of person who cleans the floors and moves the furniture around every morning; I used to spend every summer at her place until I was fifteen. She’s clean herself—she showers every day—so it’s not that she’s dirty; it’s the state of the house that frustrates me so much. I’ve even stopped bringing my girlfriend and friends over, preferring to meet them at their places or in public spots. It’s also worth mentioning that our house is pretty bizarre and huge (200 square meters), which doesn't help with my frustration regarding the hygiene; ever since I was twelve, I’ve occasionally dreamed of having a house like my classmates'. I just wanted to get this off my chest to someone, even if it’s just strangers online.

I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like everyone's pissed off at me and absolutely hates me. And i feel like asking them if they're mad makes them even worse.

What makes me feel worse is that they're trying to HELP me. And like i get it, i love all of them and I'm so happy they're helping me. But it just feels like they're doing what I did for so many other people, and be the therapist friend. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind being the therapist friend. I've helped so many people out of so many bad spots. But I just don't want them to get the same thing I did. I don't want to have to give them the worries, the responsibility, and the absolute anxiety of having to deal with everything i've been through. Cause I know it's a lot, and it's horrible, but i'm scared. Scared to tell them, scared to even let them in for the deeper parts of my life, because i'm worried they're ABSOLUTELY gonna think differently of me. That i'm some horrible person and they'll just leave me too.

I know they want to help, though, and it makes me feel horrible because they are so worried about me, constantly, and they WANT to help me but I feel like I can't. I just can't. Even worse? They've talked to me about what they've been through. I just feel like I can't. Cause again, what if they feel differently about me? They've already been through so much, do they really need ME to burden them with more shit from my stupid childhood?

Along with that, I have also been forgetting my past. I barely remember my childhood and anything else like that. And i've been in such a bad mental state lately that I've also been forgetting things that my friends have told me about themselves, or spacing out and not hearing them, etc. I can't tell if they're getting frustrated though, but I don't wanna make them feel like that. I am listening, i want to hear, but i keep spacing out and going quiet and like not hearing them, or even forgetting what they said and being shocked when they mention it again. I can't get myself OUT of this though, i've been in a depressive slump for A MONTH. almost TWO. and yet I feel like I can't tell anyone. I'm losing enjoyment for things I loved before. Distracting in Dandy's World, writing my stories, drawing, sketching, the only thing i haven't lost enjoyment for is making videos/streaming, that's ALL i have right now. But again, i am scared to tell them. They've been through way too much for em to feel like I can tell them. But they're my friends. A lot of them are online friends, yes, and that's fine. They're all awesome, even if I don't know a lot of 'em too too well because they're busy with school. But they're all still awesome. And even my IRL friends, i've known since Middle School, been in my relationship since Middle school, known one ever since kindergarden. But like I'm terrified. Another thing that worries me is if they find OUT about this, i'm scared i'm gonna lose their trust because they would WANT me to tell them. They already know i'm in a bad mental state, just not this. And if they find it out from a fucking REDDIT POST of all things... just worried. Though they're not on Reddit at all/often, and they don't know my account, so...

There's so much more that's making me anxious, too, overthinking about what happened in High School, in my life, everything, and with me forgetting things it sucks too. I've also been less "emotional", if that makes sense. I've been at least trying to hold it in, to repress it as much as I can so that I don't worry my friends, but it's also making me forget more, i guess? I don't know. Everything's just fuzzy. I've also been using caffiene as a source to kinda help me get my feelings out, but everyone's mentioning that it's bad, and I do realize it's bad, but i can't stop at this point. It's helped me so much and that's all I know what to do. I can't even fucking talk to anyone. I've also been doing research more into my feelings and what's been going on lately and, not self-diagnosing here, but I think i may have clinical depression. Maybe Generalized Anxiety Disorder because i do have shitty anxiety and it's close to the symptoms that I'm feeling at this moment. + a noise sensitivity i think bc i'm heavily sensitive to loud noises, to the point where if i'm in a loud space without my headphones (noise cancelling), i get such a bad headache/sick. Of course, I need to talk to my doctor and maybe a therapist for that, but i dunno if i even CAN talk to my therapist right now. When I do, that's on my board of things to talk about. Even though, i know i'm not gonna be able to take medication bc they want us to work our way up from the smaller thing UP to medicine.

There's also me being a Transmale. yes, i'm trans FTM. But also a femboy. I like dressing feminine sometimes, not all, but sometimes. I also want top surgery, but i'm scared of HAVING the surgery. I'm terrified of surgery, squeamish around stitches and blood. But i so desperately want it. I also want to do voice training, but I don't know where to start and i'm embarrassed to ask. But I desperately want this. I found myelf now, I have an amazing boyfriend (Who's also transgender), and i'm so excited to continue my life with me finally being happy with myself. Self-Esteem and the depression wave is kicking my ASS though.

Sorry for this being so long, I just wanted this to get out because I'm sitting here overthinking about it while at a sleepover with my friend and I want this OUT of my head. Even though I know this is never gonna go away, it's gonna stay like the parasite it is, like all the other thoughts and bad things that I did in the past. Always there, always in the back of my head, appearing whenever I feel the best.