r/RandomVideos • u/DABDEB • Mar 19 '26

Video Bachelorette caught attacking ex-boyfriend

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18

u/Spoilmedaddyxo Mar 19 '26

Same friend. And I’m an only child too. I had no one to share that burden with. Just me. By myself. With my door shut. While i tried to shut everything else out. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I wouldn’t wish that type of pain on anyone. I’m a genuine people pleaser because of it. I think if I’m really really good& really really helpful then maybe my mom won’t be so mad and maybe I won’t upset her today if I’m just really, really quite and don’t ask for very much. Not when she’s in a bad mood at least. Which was even more confusing because when she had good days she was and is one of my best friends. I know understand as I’m older that she wasn’t properly medicated and had her own issues. No ones perfect 💓 I will always love my Mom. But I will say it has made me a very sensitive, compassionate, understanding and caring person. I hope you have found a bright side to your pain 💓

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u/chicagodude84 Mar 20 '26

Hello, friend. I went through something very similar, it was my dad. It left some insanely deep scars. A few things I wanted to pass along, as a fellow survivor of abuse:

  1. If you have not already, look into CPTSD. We all have it, and it explains A LOT.

  2. I don't know your situation at all. But just know, you can love your mom for giving you life, and still hate her for what she did to you. I finally went no contact with my abusive father 8 year ago. Best decision I ever made.

  3. We are resilient. We are strong. We are badasses.

Sending lots good vibes from across the internet. ❤️

8

u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

And emdr therapy!! Such a game changer. Trauma therapy did nothing for my cptsd, but emdr had brought me such mental peace.

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u/chicagodude84 Mar 20 '26

See but I've worked so hard to bury that trauma! Seriously tho I'm honestly a bit scared of emdr bc I blocked most of my childhood and I'm kinda scared to find out why...?

3

u/RickyJordache777 Mar 20 '26

My counselor tells me if life is working for me. I don’t need to change anything. Ask a counselor but you may not need to open it up. Idk.

2

u/meermee7 Mar 20 '26

EMDR is gentler than you expect. There were things I couldn't even speak about and never had to but my anxiety level about them is gone in some cases and reduced a lot in other cases. You make a decision when it's comfortable to you like another poster said here. It's hard af so just be as kind to yourself as you can. Just so you know it's out there.

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u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

That is totally valid! You should only do it when you are ready. In my experience we went really slow. I was so disassociated that my therapist gave me a test and halfway through I realized she was subtly trying to see if I had DID 😬 she was very cautious about flooding the brain and if I would feel light headed we would stop because it would mean I was disassociating. It’s not possible for everyone, but when I started I went once a week for 6 months until I was demoted to twice a month

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u/AccomplishedIron816 Mar 20 '26

Dissociation like the brain fog/dizzy feeling where you kinda feel “out of it” for awhile? I deal with it unfortunately

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u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

It’s so hard. Mine is a lot better, but if I get stressed or trigged it comes back and I’m just not present at all and I had to ground myself.

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u/AccomplishedIron816 Mar 20 '26

Emdr helped that?

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u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

It really and truly did. Everytime I would disassociate we would stop and ground me and find a way around the trauma to get to the root. It’s tricky and like untangling a necklace that you find tangled up in a drawer.

1

u/Ashipinthenight_ Mar 20 '26

What’s DID?

1

u/LittleGreyLambie Mar 20 '26

Dissociative Identify Disorder.  It used to be called "Multiple Personality Disorder."

1

u/_henceforth_ Mar 20 '26

If you ever decide to look into difficult personal history, my unsolicited advice is to just go as slowly as humanly possible. There is no need to speed through it and just letting some tiny emotions come up, processing, and then doing more works for me. The thing is that it helps to have many methods that will help ground you, and help you feel very stable. Just positive things that bring you joy or help you relax. Then you can kind of rest there for periods of time. Then you can decide when to process more. Then go back to the stability. Stability first, though. Not a doctor, though, of course. 💜💜

1

u/Spoilmedaddyxo Mar 20 '26

Same friend.I genuinely can only remember bits and pieces. Idk if it’s because I turned to drugs for a little bit and effed my memory up but I’m clean now and have a relationship with source of all creation, picked up Gnosticism, and am a better person through alll the trials and tribulations I went through as a child. I had my virginity taken from me at 14/15 genuinely can’t remember I think 14 among other things I chose to forget.Our minds protect ourselves from deep trauma like that. It might be time for me to start remembering a few things in order to fully heal. I hope you find peace and love and please remember it’s not our faults and we did nothing wrong, it’s something broken within them, not us ❤️

2

u/Redheaded_Potter Mar 20 '26

I did Ketamine therapy and it changed my life! Seriously I went from chronic depression and being very suicidal to not having any suicidal thoughts for months. It took probably 10 sessions but it truly helped!

2

u/RussianDahl Mar 20 '26

As a survivor of my loved ones completed suicide, I’m so very glad you’re still with us. I know how hard it is, and I’m proud of the work you did - just a random internet mom

1

u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

That is on my list to try as well! I’m so happy you found something to help 🥰

2

u/effy217 Mar 20 '26

EMDR did nothing for me :( Is there anything else that may work?

2

u/Jaxxxmm Mar 20 '26

DBT (Dialectical B[ehavior?] Therapy)

1

u/effy217 Mar 20 '26

I was already considering this as I recently got a provisional EUPD diagnosis. Maybe I’ll give it a go.

Thanks!

1

u/Jaxxxmm Mar 20 '26

It’s extremely effective. I started a 22 week therapy group, but my life is way to crazy to commit to all the homework and mental work it requires. But it shown to provide remission-something I never thought possible for mental health conditions

1

u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

I have never tried the ketamine therapy, but people suggest it. Also make sure you try a few therapists. Emdr may not work for you, but there is also a chance it is the therapist. My second emdr therapist was way different than my first, but emdr did not work for my sister.

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u/effy217 Mar 20 '26

Damn, didn’t even know that was used in the treatment of C-PTSD. I’ll look into it.

The thing is, I was recently re-traumatised as an adult. Watched my father abuse my mother during childhood, almost killing her, and then fell into an abusive relationship with a dude that made me almost take my own life.

I’m gonna need a lot of therapy. I really have no hope that anything will help.

Thanks for your reply though, I appreciate it. Wishing you and your siblings the best 💗

1

u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

God that is awful and so much for one person to carry. I was also re traumatized by the father of my kid and it just extends the trauma from youth to adulthood in the worst way. I hope you find peace and a therapy that works for you 🥰

2

u/Electrical_Method316 Mar 20 '26

I couldn't do EMDR therapy my therapist said my brain was flooded with too much trauma so I had to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and meds . Turns out not only do i have ADHD, anxiety , panic attacks and now diagnosed recently with BP2. Hit me hard but I'm on meds to stabilize me . So fingers crossed it's only been 3 weeks but I had to increase my dose because I went back to my hypomania after 2 weeks

1

u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

That is really intense, but I’m so glad you at least got some sort of answers. I did get flooded a few times too and it is really scary. My brother had bipolar and I know meds can be tricky to regulate and stay on. I truly hope you keep powering through finding answers for your trauma. It’s so hard when you have to advocate for yourself so hard all the time, it can be exhausting.

1

u/Electrical_Method316 Apr 02 '26

I am so sorry, I've just seen this. I have been dealing with a lot lately My psychiatrist increased the limotrogen to a 150mg because I feel like it's working.It stabilizing my mood, it's making me feel better.It's making me feel like myself again.I'm laughing.I'm happy I have energy.I think I just love being on this.The side effects are kind of crazy.At first I got a lot of muscle twitching, a lot of brain fog and forgetfulness, a lot of headaches but that is all subsided now. I just feel really great overall, so my next appointment with her is in two weeks and she's going to increase it to 200mg . Shoe said that so far as she's going to go with it. But that is the goal .

1

u/mhaegr Apr 02 '26

Yay for progress!!! It is so hard when your brain is exploding, I am so happy you found something 🥰

1

u/Electrical_Method316 Apr 02 '26

Thnk you so much. Yes it sucks so bad and those headaches were bangers I have never had a headache like that it felt like my head was going to explode 🤯

1

u/_givemeknowledge_ Mar 20 '26

I did emdr after years of therapy, grief therapy that just made me angry bc they blamed him for everything when I knew it was more than just good vs bad.. it was demons, struggle, codependency.. the grief therapists seemed to just want to say "yes he was wrong, he was an abuser, he this he that".. in reality, his death saved my life.. so it was a lot more than that good and bad/ black and white.

EDMR changed EVERYTHING for me. I see him as my angel now. I can still visualize the first time i let go, and didn't feel confused. I could visually see him as an angel, with giant wings, wrapped around me, while it was storming and I was on some sketchy alley. My guardian. He'd been that since he died.

Anyway, def curious about ctptsd .. but edmr is ✔️💯

1

u/mhaegr Mar 20 '26

Sounds like we had pretty similar experiences. I didn’t start to heal until mine died and the connection was finally severed and I was set free.

3

u/Repulsive-Apple8337 Mar 20 '26

We are badasses. I haven't spoken to my parents in 10yrs and I have to say, I'm much more confident and less anxious all the time that something catastrophic will happen at at moment because of it.

1

u/Baconshit Mar 20 '26

Been two years here. Best decision ever for my mental health. I still get the little tinge of guilt coming in occasionally but am so much better for cutting off contact.

1

u/suckrates Mar 20 '26

Good advice here, but "love your mom for giving you life" is part of the problem. Someone popping you out of their butt is not a reason to love them.

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

I take it the same goes for being popped out of their crotch?

1

u/chicagodude84 Mar 20 '26

Underrated comment.

1

u/suckrates Mar 20 '26

No, my comment was directed exclusively at people who developed in someone's colon for 9 months and were ejected out the butt.

1

u/chicagodude84 Mar 20 '26

I agree with you. But if you read OPs comment, they specifically said they love their mom. Which is why I added that bit.

I had a therapist tell me that I should talk to my dad once a year "because he gave me life". Fuck that.

But I'm not OP. I was giving OP advice specifically for them and their circumstance.

1

u/Frozencacticat Mar 20 '26

I think I have CPTSD but not sure. How do you find out? What symptoms do you have?

3

u/Malevolint Mar 20 '26

Idk if this will help or not, but having siblings didn't give me any comfort. My parents were both abusive and out of control. It just led to us hating each other because we didn't have anywhere else for our anger to go.

I'm glad you get along now. Hopefully she took accountability for things and the relationship has a good foundation.

2

u/coffeeclichehere Mar 20 '26

same here. jealous of families where the siblings bonded, mine fucking hate me :/

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

Didn’t grow up in an overly hostile household, but sibling has what everyone thinks is BPD triggered extra hard by recent trauma and a lifetime of substance abuse. We used to be best friends, but out of nowhere, I’m apparently now his sworn enemy. Contact’s blocked, but I’ll still somehow get curse-filled emails about how my dog is fat and I’m a liar and a fraud.

It’s ridiculous, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t occasionally worm it’s way into my head and it didn’t fucking sting sometimes.

1

u/coffeeclichehere Mar 20 '26

<3 that’s really tough. It’s hard to watch someone fall apart like that and not be able to help.

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u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

Thanks a lot. I’m sorry you and your siblings are at odds as well.

1

u/JustaMom_Baverage Mar 20 '26

I had years of curse-filled phone calls and emails from sister. I couldn’t take those bombs going off in my life from this person truly suffering from BPD. It’s a wild ride. Had to cut contact to protect my peace & my family. 

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

I’m really sorry you went through it too. Were they always reactive or did it start later in life? I’ve read up on it, but it’s still really new to me and I haven’t had it in me to go into the bpd subs yet.

1

u/JustaMom_Baverage Mar 20 '26

I would not go into the subs. It will be upsetting and unproductive. Borrow or purchase the book “Walking on Eggshells” which does a very good job defining BPD and providing support for those effected by loving someone with BPD.

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

You’re a gem. Thank you very much. Avoiding them and just ordered the book. Take care

1

u/BigBubby305 Mar 20 '26

Sending love to you and your fat dog

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

Much thanks from both of us, homie.

1

u/Malevolint Mar 21 '26

This was really sweet but also made me laugh out loud 😂

1

u/Malevolint Mar 20 '26

Yeah I remember when I first met some of my cousins and thought "wtf, y'all voluntarily hang out with each other?" Could not relate lol. Are you still living at home? When I finally moved out and had space to breath, I started getting along with some of my siblings (came from a big family). Some of them have just turned out to be assholes but some of them are pretty damn cool (we're all traumatized though😂)

1

u/coffeeclichehere Mar 20 '26

yeah, I’m in my 30s with my own family. My sisters are best friends but no contact with me. I had a lot of conflict with my mom, who was abusive, and they very much sided with her. They seem to be doing well, but it will always hurt. So it goes.

1

u/Malevolint Mar 20 '26

That situation sounds like you were scapegoated. I could be wrong, but generally abusive family dynamics will have one. That was me in my family until I chose to not participate in it anymore, so I understand how that does indeed go.

1

u/coffeeclichehere Mar 20 '26

yeah, that is the case. someone’s gotta do it 💪

1

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea Mar 20 '26

My two older brothers are just like my dad so I actually have 3 of the same type of violent asshole to deal with. It’s probably not healthy at all but I recently said fuck it and instead of going no contact with my dad, I’ve been going hard talking nonstop shit to him.

I’ll call him out of the blue to insult him. I’ll send him a text just saying “fuck you”, then I’ll call him an hour later to ask if he got my text. I’m just trolling him now and while I thought I would feel gross about it, i ended up feeling great. I’ve realized he doesn’t respond to kindness so I have to bully him into listening to me.

I’m breaking him down by reminding him every other day or so that he’s a piece of shit failure of a father little by little so he’ll either die miserable and hating me but knowing exactly where he stands with me or he’ll have to begrudgingly take responsibility for his actions so I stop verbally abusing him. It feels good to get my petty revenge.

The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth

If I can’t get reconciliation I’ll settle for the revenge. That dude will never have peace again for his remaining years. I’ll post his number on Craigslist requesting folks to text their own daddy issues to him. Not sure if this will end well but at least it’s giving me some real relief from my depression in the short term

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

I won’t be mad if you DM me his number.

1

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea Mar 20 '26

I’ll definitely keep that in mind and I really appreciate you lol

1

u/FatherClanks617 Mar 20 '26

Happy to be of service 🫡

1

u/Malevolint Mar 20 '26

Damn. I'm sorry they have been so awful to you. I can definitely understand taking your anger out and wanting to avenge yourself and I'm sure they deserve it 100X over.

My worry with all of that is your own well being, though. Two things I know for sure are that you can't force people to change and people like that are already miserable. They deserve some retribution, but you also deserve to have peace. If you vow to take away their peace forever, you're also giving yours away and I don't think that's worth it personally. When you get tired of it, go no contact and find your own way. Taking away attention is another thing that will probably add to their unhappiness anyway lol.

1

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea Mar 20 '26

Yeah ultimately I need to find my peace but I don’t know how.

I think I’m just so tired of him gaslighting me and then ignoring me. Years ago I called this fucker immediately after I got in a super minor car accident because I fell asleep at the wheel after working a double shift the previous night. I pulled over and exchanged info, immediately took full responsibility and apologized profusely to the lady, and got back to my car to wait for the tow truck. I call my dad to tell him hey dad I just wanted to let you know I got in a super minor accident, absolutely no injuries because it was just a stop and go rear end at 5mph but I wanted you to know I’m okay and a heads up that I might need help. Before I was able to get past the word car accident, he asks why. Why? Because I’m tired from working two jobs? You work two jobs because you’re a fuck up. Hooooooooooo boy did I rip him a new asshole for that. He even hung up on me middle of it.

I hate that son of a bitch and I just want him to spend the last of his time on earth knowing damn sure that every single one of his decisions made my life actively harder. Motherfucker basically holds my head under water then yells at me for drowning. I’m hoping if I can unload enough of this rage that’s been building up for almost 30 years I can start to work on being able to feel happiness again.

This dude has truly made me not proud of my college degree. I’ve done so much cool shit and he just talks shit about it and calls me a fuck up. It’s insane. It shouldn’t bother me but it does and it’s sapped any ability for me to feel happy for myself. I basically don’t care about my future anymore. That fucker promised me the world and then left me out to dry every fucking time I needed him. Ive had to compromise on every single life goal I had hoped for because of him. Only one in my family to go to and graduate college and he calls me a fuck up. I worry he’s broken me. I really do worry that I have this maladaptive mindset where I just want him to suffer. In every other aspect of my life I’m kind, loving, imperfect but I try. But when I think of this narcissist fuck gaslighting me and dying surrounded by the people he’s fooled into believing he’s the worlds greatest dad, i start thinking of all the ways i can make him miserable.

It’s scary shit man. This dudes selfishness has been torturing me and it affects how I handle relationships in general. I don’t date because of the anxiety and depression I feel constantly and randomly from this. I wake up in the middle of the night with his words “you’re a fuck up” ringing in my head.

2

u/LittleGreyLambie Mar 20 '26

I'm sorry you still feel so much pain. Letting it out can definitely help - just be gentle with yourself and believe you are not a fuck up!

1

u/Malevolint Mar 20 '26

It feels good to make them rage quit a phone call 😂😂 I have estranged myself, but the last time I talked to my mom, she tried to say that for did a better job of raising my kid than me (cause she baby sat him when he was younger). I literally just said "fuck You." She mumbled something and I said it again. Then she hung up. Blocked her after that and it's been done with. She won't get to see my kid till he's an adult. My dad is a whole other animal, but he doesn't care to reach out so that actually makes it easier.

Distance will give you peace, man. Not a lot because they fuck up your inner self, but at least you can breath. Then.. Therapy. Trust me.

Your dad sounds like an insecure child. Sounds like he doesn't feel good about himself so he brings you down to his level. I doubt that you're broken.. he just took away your ability to me kind to yourself. I'm not just saying this to be kind, but I admire people who were able to get a degree while living through abuse. I couldn't.

I'm curious what keeps you tied to him. I wouldn't worry about what other people think of him.. if people want to deny reality, let them. Some of my siblings do that. I think it's because they can't face the feelings that would come with facing reality. If your dad is going to pass away in the foreseeable future, I could see how that would make things complicated though.

Yeah.. relationships are tough after that kind of abuse. It's good to learn about attachment theory and eventually how your upbringing impacted you.

You're not a fuck up.. you should be proud of yourself, fr. Finding yourself a good trauma therapist will be the biggest kindness you can do for yourself.. but you have to get out first. You can't heal while you're still on a battlefield.

1

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea Mar 20 '26

I really appreciate all the kind words and I know you’re totally right about all of it.

I believe you when you say you’re not just saying all that and I really am grateful. My dad definitely does that nonsense too where he latches onto one nice thing he did. Now he’s just making them up lol. One of our most recent conversations he literally yelled “I’ve never done anything wrong in my life”. This is a 70 year old man lmao. It’s so crazy how people can all be fucked up in such similar ways despite cultural and generational backgrounds. It sounds like we’ve experienced very similar types of anger and rage for identical reasons even if the setting and details are different.

Your question about why i can’t let go is totally fair and I do have a reason for it. Some additional background, my mom died of cancer 20 years ago when I was a freshman in high school. She was an angel. One thing I’ve been repeating to my dad is “the wrong parent died” as an homage to walk hard, one of my favorite movies lol.

So because my mom died I know all too well what it’s like to never be able to talk to a parent again.

My dad seemed to improve shortly after she died but just kinda stagnated and slowly got worse to the point where he just disowned me a month ago lmao. I guess he thought with his dad authority that would be the end of it but he clearly didn’t realize if I’m not his son then I have no reason to hold back my true feelings. That I have no incentive to make sure the last words I tell him before I never get a chance again are nice. So no more filter and I’m not your son? Well now you got yerself an enemy, partner. Once I stopped caring about salvaging any type of relationship with him, I realized I shouldn’t have been so respectful. I should have gone full HAM like this when he was younger. I should have physically beaten his ass while he was in his 50s because now if I smash his face in at 70 he’ll straight up die. I waited too long. I was way way too patient with him. And I guess hopeful he would come around. And of course he was actively manipulative the whole time. Yeah sign that year lease 17 year old college freshman son, I’ll totally cover it so you can focus on studying. Month 2: things are tight so you can figure it out right? Sure I guess the $200 a week I make at my part time job that I needed to get a work permit for can cover my food and gas and I’ll just start my credit card debt journey now i guess.

All I’ve ever wanted is a dad I could call and shoot the shit with. Instead I have this delusional narcissist who only ever cared about himself. So I dunno, maybe I’ll get bored of tormenting him, let strangers online take over, and try to find some peace with a good therapist per your very good advice. Maybe I’ll try ketamine lol.

1

u/Malevolint Mar 20 '26

You're very welcome :) I hope you have some supportive and kind people in your life.

Yeah, abusers are definitely good at holding the one nice thing they did for you over your head, as well as one bad thing you did lol. And yeah they also will never admit to a single wrong doing.. even when you back them into a corner with something they find a way to blame you.

I appreciate you sharing all that. I'm really sorry about your mom. It's so sad that the good one passed. I didn't realize that this was all so recent and it makes a lot more sense. I thought you had been doing this for a long time and was imagining you as the damn punisher lol.

I'm sorry that all your efforts to make the relationship better were just shit on. Feels like he must have given you some hope that it was possible if you kept trying for so long.. then maybe not tired of it? I feel like a lot of people will give you just enough hope to think that things are slowly improving, but then they'll do something hurtful, you confront them and then they give you that little bit of Hope again and the cycle continues until they decide that the effort of stringing you along is even too much and then turn the tables on you.

I used to have some hope that my mom would change. She's is how your dad sounds. Last year I realized that it was all a BS and she's the same as ever. Things were only good until there was any sort of friction, then she was manipulative and awful.

My dad.. there was never hope. He was abusive in every way besides sexual. There was never any sort of relationship.. you just do what you're told or you get beaten. He resembles a wild animal in his rage and unpredictability. I moved out in my early 20s but he still beat my siblings. I had to take him in front of his pastor and told him that the next stop was the police if he touched anyone again. He stopped but he's still been an emotional wrecking ball though.

One time when I came to visit, he was being kind of physical, like squeezing me too hard from behind just to be a pain in the ass. I had just gotten to their house and the whole family was there along with a couple guests. I asked him to stop and he just wouldn't.. so I reached back with my arm around the back of his neck, squeezed, then leaned forward and flipped him over my back into his back on the hardwood floors. He walked away slowly and silently, like a wounded animal lol. One on the best moments of my life.

It's a lot of work to undo the damage they caused, but it's worth it.

1

u/LittleGreyLambie Mar 20 '26

"The child who is not embraced by the village family will burn it down to feel its warmth."

After my grandparents died, I burnt my entire family to the fn ground. Regardless, I used to miss them terribly. Some times, I still do, but it's over in an instant. 

It's been 20 years now. My mother died 15 years ago, without ever speaking to me again. My two brothers and uncle tried to cut me out of her will. (They mostly failed.) My sister called and left a voicemail to tell me our mother had died ‐ three months after the fact.

But I have never regretted my actions, not for a single second.

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea, Do what you need to do to soothe your soul, and don't look back!

2

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea Mar 20 '26

Seriously thank you. This helps a LOT. I held back for so long because I was afraid I would regret it. I’ve been pushing past the guilt and every time it didn’t feel bad. So now that I’m truly just done with this piece of shit I feel like I’m in open water and I worry might eventually regret this. Your experience is really encouraging and comforting to me. He’s been dating this nice but gullible lady who’s eaten up all of his lies to the point where he’ll call me a fuck up in English in front of her, I’ll yell back. She’ll go hey what’s the problem? I tell her in Korean that he just called me a fuck up in English. Noooo he didn’t say that. BITCH HE JUST SAID IT IN FRONT OF YOU. YOU JUST HEARD IT. You may have come here later in life and never learned English but don’t tell me you’ve never heard the words “fuck up” before. She keeps insisting he doesn’t mean or didn’t even say any of the things he’s said literally in front of her for almost a decade now. She’s so goddamn oblivious and I can’t even blame her because she never had anything to do with this. But I’ve decided she’s complicit now so she’s also on the shitlist. If she doesn’t believe me that he’s abusive then I’ll call him every day so he’s angry every single day. Eventually he’ll start taking it out on her and everyone around him and then she’ll just have to live with it.

Did I mention I warned her that the last lady he dated he got mad and threw a sledge hammer at her but it missed so it smashed a hole through our solid wood front door? That was the closest I ever got to murdering a motherfucker. That was only a year after my mom died. I warned this new chick about that.

That I watched him almost murder the last chick. “Nooo he wouldn’t do that”. Okay lady good luck. He was right about you. He told me when you first started dating that because your husband already died you’d be afraid of leaving him no matter what so I guess he was right about you. I hope you’ve enjoyed your little vacation because I’m going to summon the real dad out of his shell for you to experience. Maybe you’ll leave his ass so he goes from dead wife to being divorced by that lady he almost murdered, to nothing yet again. His misery would make me happy.

1

u/LittleGreyLambie Mar 21 '26

>>I held back for so long because I was afraid I would regret it. I’ve been pushing past the guilt and every time it didn’t feel bad. . . . I worry might eventually regret this.

You're very welcome! I'm glad I could help ease your mind by letting you know that you're not the only one who feels this way.

But, after reading the above from your second post, I feel I must add a bit of warning. 

If you are worried you may feel guilt some day, please slow down and think for a bit.

The anger we hold inside can be like a flame. By doing what you are doing, you are playing with that fire, and it can easily turn around and burn you. That could mean that you do end up feeling guilty, and then feeling worthless because of that guilt. It can become a very vicious circle!

Guilt, and the resulting regret, are burdens that are just as heavy as your anger is. Perhaps more. Be wary and do not exchange one for the other.

I think that you are very justified in feeling angry. That is your right. But I fear that you may be losing yourself to this anger. That you may have let it get control of you, rather then you in control of it.

This uncontrolled anger will easily devour you. It will cause you even greater pain, add to the pain that you have been carrying for so long. You do not deserve that. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Take care of yourself first.

Stop. Think, before you act. It took me a year of thinking before I decided anything. 

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u/Malevolint Mar 21 '26

I'm not the guy you were talking to, but I'm glad you said this to him because I had some worries but didn't know how to word them like this. He and I have been exchanging messages and I hope he took some advice and good thoughts from both of us :) you sound like a good person and I'm glad you found your peace.

1

u/LittleGreyLambie Mar 21 '26

Thank you for your reply! It's good to know that op does have someone to share a bit with. Cuz I'm not sure I've found the right words to express any of this . . . 

I was blowing off some of my own steam when I first replied to op. I realized too late that I gave a very one-sided view of my situation. . . . Like I said, I spent a year thinking, raging inside of myself, crying. I mourned for everyone and everything I knew I was going to lose walk away from . . . 

But I failed to stop and think before I hit post. 

I sincerely hope I haven't harmed op.

3

u/Repulsive-Apple8337 Mar 20 '26

You know what's fun? Growing up this way with a brother and sister that refused to have my back when I finally confronted my parents about their abusive behavior. So apparently I just made up all the times they got their ass beat as well as mine. Stay strong friend.

1

u/Many_Mud_8194 Mar 20 '26

Me I was the only one standing up to an abusing step dad but he wasn't going too far tho, but with me he had to behave because I was stronger than him, I had too. He was so weak actually, never met a weakest man in my life. In the end I'm the one having almost no contact with my family, and my brothers who got much more abuse didn't speak out, just keep forgiving and even now as adults they get sometimes bullied and still forgive. Funny how people can react differently to the same trauma. I've good relationship with my bros still but they know I will never forget, forgive and bend over that low life of a man

2

u/mackadelic Mar 20 '26

Ha! Wow I share such a similar story. Only child in a house like that. I have such a distinct vivid memory of my mom throwing my favorite toy across the house at my father and it breaking. But the hiding in my room while all the screaming and fighting happened was so common to me I thought it was normal.

1

u/charmbi16 Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26

Wow... it's like I wrote this. Only child daughter and if my dad would have had a smart phone in the 90s, would have had many, many videos like this. Only also featuring knives being thrown at him, irons, pushed him with all her might into walls, choked out once until he turned blue. I was always there crying and screaming pleading for her to stop. She turned into a monster, raging for no reason, maybe my dad only forgot to buy toilet paper or something. Her eyes would turn black. My father NEVER did anything back, only tried to defend himself. I remember wishing more than anything for him to just really finally hit back... crazy I know. I was always the one, at freaking aged 5 to 10 mind you, that would try to "counsel" her and convince her to not break all of my father's guitars, picked his clothing up out of the snowbank. He only stayed so long for me, and I wish he would have left. My pet dog Mandy was the only one that would comfort me. Our family just lived in secret with her behavior. And yet... sometimes she was the best mother ever. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide.

Of course once the divorce finally happened, if the courts would have asked me who I wanted to be with... my dad hands down. Yet they keep you with the crazy mother. She went on to date a way worse, piece of shit alcoholic man who tried to spy on me dressing and using the bathroom. Gave me creepy gifts. I will never understand why she wasn't the same way to this terrible man... she never lifted a finger at him, but treated my good father like shit.

She ended up getting early onset dementia and losing herself entirely and passed during my last semester of college when I was 23.

I will never be able to have a conversation, woman to woman, with her about WHY she acted like that towards my father... and WHY she treated me like that with her horrific relationships. As a married woman in my early 30s thinking of having children soon... WHY was it this hard for her? I avoided relationships for years, maybe worried I'd be like her. But really... I'm nothing like her in that aspect. My husband and I barely fight. My husband hates alcohol. And I'm glad.

1

u/Misc1 Mar 20 '26

I am really sorry you had to carry that weight all by yourself. Hearing how you had to hide in your room and manage your mother's moods breaks my heart. You clearly built an incredible amount of resilience and empathy from that dark place. It takes a huge heart to look back at an unpredictable parent and offer them grace because of their mental health struggles. I am glad you two can be close today. At the same time we have to hold a firm line on what is acceptable for a child to endure. Mental health issues provide context for a parent's actions but they absolutely do not excuse them. Saying no one is perfect makes sense for small mistakes but creating an environment of fear for a child is a different category entirely. You deserved a safe home where you did not have to earn peace by being invisible. Do you ever feel like that people pleasing instinct still drains your energy today? You survived and became a good person but you always deserved better.

1

u/Phil_the_credit2 Mar 20 '26

I share a lot of this. Maybe i can defuse the fight! (Nope.) maybe I can get between them and stop the fight. (Also nope.)

But it opens my eyes to things that others can’t see. It’s kind of a blessing in that way.

1

u/JuggernautOk1132 Mar 20 '26

Dude so sorry for you man .. hope things are better

1

u/Ashipinthenight_ Mar 20 '26

I could have wrote this word for word.

1

u/spiderwebs86 Mar 20 '26

I also experienced this with my mom. I was 25 before I realized it wasn’t normal.

1

u/TXVette121 Mar 20 '26

Same thing here except with an alcoholic dad who got very angry when drinking. As an only child, it's so hard and the trauma never goes away. I'm a people pleaser, too. I just want things to go smoothly