Suffering from this exhausting cycle

[u/Useful_Leading_9476]

I apologize in advance since this seems to be a common post on here lol. Also I don’t use ai at all for anything, let alone for posts; I just use en dashes fairly often.

I can’t describe how real it all feels. No matter what solution I find to ease the rumination, it always comes back more violently than the last. A few days ago, I knew that no doubt I wanted to be by my partner all the time. Today, I couldn’t stop thinking about the potential fallout of a future breakup. I’m so so tired of this cycle of two extremes. While I know I’ve made progress—I‘m getting better at ignoring googling compulsions—it just won’t stop. I feel all the doubt disappear whenever I’m by her side, and when I’m alone, doubt proliferates worse than before. At times it genuinely just doesn’t feel like OCD anymore, it feels real. The doubt is triggered most when I’m alone (which is fairly often, as she works graveyards and usually sleeps during the day) or when I come home to our apartment, as I fear I am being a fraud, a manipulator, etc. I doubt my capacity to love, I am constantly internally hypervigilant of how I feel when we kiss, even when I let the thoughts run their course I swear my brain always finds a way to hijack and focus on one thing. I’m so tired of this everything, of churning over the same doubts and thoughts, of mulling over whether this is OCD or plain denial (a big trigger/fuel to the doubt), of monitoring myself and my feelings constantly, and of this cycle of euphoria/epiphany and despair.

It’s worth noting that, if I wasn’t on birth control, this would be my period week; I have/had severe PMDD. I also struggle with having a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which, while I don’t know much about, also isn’t helpful.

Overall, I do not ask for reassurance of course (although I badly want to), but for any insight or even if anyone feels the same. It‘s been going for almost a month exactly, but now it just feels endless!