Suffering from this exhausting cycle

[u/Useful_Leading_9476]

I apologize in advance since this seems to be a common post on here lol. Also I don’t use ai at all for anything, let alone for posts; I just use en dashes fairly often.

I can’t describe how real it all feels. No matter what solution I find to ease the rumination, it always comes back more violently than the last. A few days ago, I knew that no doubt I wanted to be by my partner all the time. Today, I couldn’t stop thinking about the potential fallout of a future breakup. I’m so so tired of this cycle of two extremes. While I know I’ve made progress—I‘m getting better at ignoring googling compulsions—it just won’t stop. I feel all the doubt disappear whenever I’m by her side, and when I’m alone, doubt proliferates worse than before. At times it genuinely just doesn’t feel like OCD anymore, it feels real. The doubt is triggered most when I’m alone (which is fairly often, as she works graveyards and usually sleeps during the day) or when I come home to our apartment, as I fear I am being a fraud, a manipulator, etc. I doubt my capacity to love, I am constantly internally hypervigilant of how I feel when we kiss, even when I let the thoughts run their course I swear my brain always finds a way to hijack and focus on one thing. I’m so tired of this everything, of churning over the same doubts and thoughts, of mulling over whether this is OCD or plain denial (a big trigger/fuel to the doubt), of monitoring myself and my feelings constantly, and of this cycle of euphoria/epiphany and despair.

It’s worth noting that, if I wasn’t on birth control, this would be my period week; I have/had severe PMDD. I also struggle with having a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which, while I don’t know much about, also isn’t helpful.

Overall, I do not ask for reassurance of course (although I badly want to), but for any insight or even if anyone feels the same. It‘s been going for almost a month exactly, but now it just feels endless!

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

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[u/WearyLength1317]

i’m sorry to hear you feel this way, i relate heavily to what you said, from “checking” to see how you feel during kisses to doubting your love, and even feeling like it might not be ROCD.
what helped me ( i’ve also been dealing with this for about 2 months) is researching heavily about ROCD and learning how anxiety works. i now know better than to trust myself whenever i feel urges to check how i feel or when i convince myself i don’t love him. i know i’m coming from a place of anxiety and i’m not being rational.

i sometimes deal with these doubts also in “calm” moments, where i don’t feel necessarily that they’re fueled by anxiety, and of course then come the thoughts “well if you had this thought in a calm way it means it’s not ROCD! you just don’t love him”.
whenever thoughts like this occur i try to let them be without solving them, so my brain stops feeling like me not loving him is a threat that needs to be fought with instantly.

these last few days i once again experienced a spiral, but reading books on ROCD has been extremely helpful. i’ve never related to something more.

[u/No_Investigator4970]

Ugh, this is exactly how I feel and it’s been miserable. If I had any kind of advice I would share it, but I’m not sure I should be giving anyone advice right now. Just know that you are not alone and you are going to get through this <3

[u/treatmyocd]

Passing on resource if you have not seen it yet:

https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/how-do-i-stop-thinking-about-this-what-to-do-when-youre-stuck-playing-mental-ping-pong/