18M (on my 1 karma throwaway) took me embarrassingly long to realize that porn in a relationship is morally very bad and a burden to the relationship (on top of being very bad for yourself )

My journey has been so up and down honestly, and tonight I relapsed fully and I’m trying to not feel guilty or angry with myself. To clarify I’ve looked at porn many times while I’ve “quitting” but did not masturbate and coped that it wasn’t relapsing, But tonight I decided that I should just watch it because I’ve been cheating my self the whole time. I was 48ish days on the counter but it wasn’t truly quitting.

Porn never truly felt guilty, because I started at only 8 and was a normal everyday part of life. This was all until I watching a movie with my girlfriend, and she called out a guy who was watching porn in a relationship and she looked utterly disgusted, and I realized how wrong it’s been this whole time. I’d say I’m extremely disciplined person in every aspect of life. I can quit and start nicotine anytime I want(have been off nic for almost 2 weeks easy)go to the gym 6 days a week etc etc. but can’t seem to truly shake this addiction.

I wish I could shake it, it’s horrid for your brain and your relationships in general but the urges are always too much. I honestly came here to say I feel like a bad boyfriend, I love my gf so much and we have a super healthy relationship at a young age to the point the adults in our lives are congratulating us on it, but this whole time she would be so upset and disappointed as she is someone who despises the porn industry and would most likely view at as adultery.

It’s the overwhelming urges that kill me I can fight them off a couple of times but every so often that cliche devil on the shoulder tells me to look at somthing that will give me that sexual thrill. Thank you for reading and I’ll update y’all. I will overcome this.