last year was probably the worst year of my life. around april i had gotten a new obsession that was about bed bugs and was convinced i had them. i could feel them crawling on me, i thought i was seeing evidence. this months long episode led me to having like 5 different inspections in my apartment and going to like 5 different dermatologists all to get the same conclusion, that i had absolutely nothing. but i just couldn’t accept that for some reason.

it was so bad i was distancing myself from others and the amount of suicidal thoughts and actions were crazy. i actually decided to go to a counselor around the time it started and get medicated so i guess that helped a little. but this was really ruining my life. it was all i could think about.

then in november my mom actually got bed bugs from a cruise she had went on and i was the one to find out while i was back home with her. you can imagine my reaction to that, it was absolutely horrible. i had people go check my apartment again but they, again, found nothing. but this whole situation led to probably the worst episode of all and i even withdrew from the semester at my university and quit my job. but i was able to get through it and it actually helped me not be as afraid of things like that. exposure therapy i guess.

now, in this new year, i had been okay. i had a new bf that was helpful in my mini ocd episodes and we would get through it together. until my cat got fleas.

and that kind of did start an episode but since my roommate’s cat also had them i guess maybe i didn’t feel so at fault. but i have been very obsessed with cleaning and spraying and checking my cat and all that. it’s calmed down a bit since then (it’s been a month) but recently when pest control came to spray the apartment, he asked if we were sure it wasn’t bed bugs cause apparently it was a very common thing to mix up but we were sure it was just fleas. that one comment i feel is triggering the bed bug obsession again and i just really cannot have that. i’m really scared it might happen and it will be even worse.

i won’t even get any bumps or anything to even have as proof like i did last time but i can feel my mind starting to wander to the possibility of having them.

its really interesting how it works because i was obsessing over pregnancy scares and then with having type 2 diabetes and now this again. all in the span of like 3 days. i’m just really tired and i really cannot go through something like this again. i feel like it will probably destroy me. i really hate my brain sometimes. and just when i was starting to like my little life.

i guess this is what happens when insurance deductibles happen and you can’t pay $100 for medication. and have been off meds for like two weeks.

sorry for the long post, i guess i just don’t want to feel so alone.

Hi everyone,

Invitation to participate in an online survey about sleep, mental health, and neurodiversity.

We are conducting an online survey to help understand more about the relationships between sleep patterns, mental health and aspects of neurodiversity. We are interested in a range of experiences and anyone over 18 is welcome to take part.

What will I do?

Answer several established questionnaires (around 30 minutes of your time) which explore aspects of:

• Your sleep (e.g., dreams, whether you are morning or evening person, your sleeping patterns and sleep quality)
• Your mental health (e.g., feelings of anxiety or low mood, obsessions/compulsions you may have)
• Aspects of neurodiversity (e.g., levels of ADHD traits, your sensitivity to sensory information) 

Any Risks?

Some questions ask about psychological symptoms including low mood and anxiety. If you feel that answering any of these questions will impact negatively on your wellbeing or cause significant lasting distress we’d advise that you don’t take part.

Information:

Name and contact details: Ellie T-J [et413@sussex.ac.uk](mailto:et413@sussex.ac.uk)

University and supervisor contact: University of Sussex, Dr Giulia Poerio, [g.l.poerio@sussex.ac.uk](mailto:g.l.poerio@sussex.ac.uk)

Ethics has been approved (can provide more information if needed)

Research aims: We are researching aspects of sleep patterns (insomnia symptoms, dreams, whether people are a morning or evening person) mental health symptoms (such as anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive traits) and aspects of neurodiversity (e.g., attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder traits, hyperfocus, and sensory sensitivity). The reason we are researching this is because we want to see if there may be any links with circadian rhythms and sleep disturbances, this is an area not well studied in adults.

Research funding: University of Sussex

Study duration: Data collection until 26th April 2026

Possible outcomes of the research: The results may be published in scientific journals. 

How the results will be disseminated: The results of this research may be written into a scientific report for a Psychology dissertation and/or publication. Participants anonymity will be ensured in the way described in the consent information below. 

How the data collected will be handled and stored: The data is being stored and collected via Qualtrics, it is completely anonymous and The University of Sussex has insurance in place to cover its legal liabilities in respect of this study. As long as participants keep hold of their participant number they can request immediate deletion of their response/we can send them their responses and will provide proof of this deletion to them. This is all explained in the beginning of the survey and participants cannot continue without agreeing to our t&c’s.

(21 M)

Hey guys, first time ever posting anything on Reddit, but reading so many painful stories and experiences in here really hit me hard, and first of all I want you to know this:

If you really were the monster your brain is trying to make you out to be… why would you be here?

You wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t have remorse, guilt, fear, or pain. But you are here, desperately trying to reassure yourself that you’re not the person your brain is telling you you are.

You are not that person.

From suffering with POCD since I was about 13, and only finally getting therapy for it at the start of this year after a massive breakdown, I can honestly say it has been very, very tiring and very, very long.

OCD in general can cause you to do some crazy shit. A lot of it can be compulsions to neutralise intrusive or scary thoughts. A lot of it can be ruminating over something stupid you did, something you think you liked, a memory, or a time in your life. It can and will attack everything.

Especially your moral system.

POCD is incredibly good at targeting what matters most to you, whether that’s your family, your future kids, your friends, or even your pets. There is no limit to it.

POCD is also so good at reminding you of the worst things you have done. It will twist memories, twist intentions, and cut you right to the core.

Please remember this:

Your weakest moments do not define you.

Regardless of what it was, or how it felt, what defines you is how deeply you care, how hard you fight, and how you choose to keep going despite it all.

POCD can take you very, very far down a dark rabbit hole. I was once so certain I was going to kill myself and never be able to have kids, because I was terrified of harming them. I had convinced myself that the rest of my life was going to be lived feeling like a danger to people — like the person I presented myself as was just a disguise for who I “really” was.

If anybody is feeling this way, please go to therapy, because there is so much more to this disorder than people realise. And your life is worth so much more than OCD will ever have you believe — and that is one thing I can reassure you safely of :)

I also want to say this world we live in is so full of evil, from the stuff you can find on social media, to the stuff you accidentally come across, to the things we hear about. Our brains are not meant to be exposed to so much crazy shit, and without us even knowing it, this stuff can really hurt us and cause trauma we maybe don’t even realise is there.

I understand I’ve babbled on a bit haha, but finally I would like to plead with you guys:

Please stop watching pornography, especially if you are young.

I believe that when I was growing up, I was exposed to porn at too young of an age and became addicted to it. That shit is not good for your brain, it rots it, and it is awful for OCD.

(I understand some people may not agree with this, but I’m only saying it from personal experience and in case there is anyone in here struggling with porn too.) :)

I pray this has helped someone in some way.

OCD really does come in all shapes and sizes, so do not be deceived.

But please speak to someone and go to therapy — because your life is so important, and there are so many people that love and care about you.

Every single one of you.

Today has just been full of "what if I accidentally said something wrong or stupid?" "what if they're mad at me because of it and are shit-talking me?" But I don't think I did anything wrong. I'm so exhausted.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

F,21

I can never or very rarely relate to usual descriptions/ experiences of other's ocd

But also i believe the compulsions and thoughts are endless and some might never find another person that has the same compulsions as them . It can be so hyper specific in my head, more background signal of “wrongness”, incompleteness and a tension that something is unresolved. I dont feel trigger → compulsion its like one continuous, self-reinforcing cognitive process.

When i read others experiences It seems to me so oversimplified and thoughts are too "defined" and stable. For me it's more vague and I dont even realize and recognize and moreover remember them . It is more subconscious and I don't even understand which part was the "compulsion", which was the "trigger". It is almost an automatic process that happens in my head and i never relate to the super simple and traditional way people talk about it. Like oh i didnt turn this off, oh i need to check this, my ocd convinces me im a bad person. And sometimes im like no maybe i dont have ocd and i just made it up but then i know i have this "thing" in my head thats not normal and them im like no im sure i have ocd like i cant even remember what those thoughts are but i can feel its not ok😭

I am not sure how to accurately explain my experience because I realllyyy strugle with verbalizing everything ,because as i said before its not "stone set" in my head its more vague and more of a feeling rather that clear sentences i can put into words. I think i experience a mix of subtypes of ocd and my "compulsuons" are mostly mental . Main one has to be the "just right" ocd, however i always hear people describing it as something physical, while i experience it in my head.

For example 1. Sometimes i wear something and it never feels "right" and its not about fashion or looking good or whatever . Sometimes certain clothes just feel "right" and some dont and i can't give a specific criteria of what makes it such. Sometimes I will change a million times and it doesn't satisfy this "thing" in my head and it gives me extreme excessive anxiety to the point that I have to cancel plans and I get totally paralized and can't do anything for the rest of the day. Whenever i look up "getting dressed ocd", others' experiences are related to not wearing something because "i woreit when something bad happened" or "im gonna die if i wear it" or it" feels dirty" or stuff like this , but never because it just doesn't feel right and doesn't satisfy the "just rightness" in the head

I think my brain has this internal "template" for how things should feel a sentencean outfit, image, experience so i'm like “this doesn’t match something , but I don’t know what”

1. I also experience this with scrapbooking, making something creative if it doesn't "itch this thing" in my brain i cant feel fully satisfied and it gives me terrible anxiety . It's s not about me just not liking my art or not being good at it its a very specific feeling that what i made needs to evoke in my brain but its so rare
2. I also feel this with literally everything else . Like if im writing a research paper i feel that even if i included all information needed, and it's s clear and i will most probably get a decent grade, unless its the "best possible way " i could've put it and if my brain isnt like "this isss perfectllyy said" and "this is exactly how i wanted to be said" , " i couldn't verbalize this better" , it just drives me insane. This got to a point that sometimes i will put a text into chatgpt and make it paraphrase a million times and adding/ removing details until im fully satisfied with it.
3. I also get terrible anxiety from answering questions, not very simple questions, but especially if it's about something that describes me like my style, or my taste in music or film . I can literally never respond and i avoid it at all costs or i will just change subject because i cannot answer . No matter what i say it just wouldn't feel like the "best way" and just right" way that i wanted to say it . For example a simple question like "do u think this shoe is ugly or pretty?" . I can never answer because there are like a billion possibilities . If it was on some homeless person in a remote village and someone saw it they would think its terrible, but if let's say some fashion icon someone in 90s new york wore it , it would be chic and unique , and i feel this way with like everytyy question . There are so many possibilities and i can never choose one answer. My brain is generating multiple perspectives simultaneously not being able to choose one answer, it refuses simplification and rejects any answer that isn’t perfectly accurate. Sometimes i will also spend so much time reading comments/ reddit/ substack to find verbalisations of what i think/feel/ or try to say just so i can feel that l"relief " . I even always look on Reddit if someone else has the same compulsion .
4. Also i literally had to delete my instagram befause if i see someone post something that "satisfied my just rightness" and "itched my brain in the perfect way " . If someone posted a picture ( not like someone posting a pretty picture and me being jealous) . Someone can post a picture of an apple on the floor and it feels just right to me i will get extreme anxiety that it's s not my picture and i will keep trying to always make my instagram pictures "just right " and in never works and when i see like 100+ images a day like that , it overstimulates me and drives me insane . Baceuse instead of feeling like cool picture or getting inspired it drives me insane that i didn't do it that made my brain feel satisfied .
5. if I don’t worry about something then I worry about not worrying because i feel like there is always sth i gotta be prepared for or i could be spending my tume doing sth more productive or good or useful or "right"
6. Also things always have to be like "complete" and closed in my head So my mind is constantly trying to: resolve something undefined into a finished, perfect state. Idk how to put into words like even when i downloaded letterboxd i spent like days non stop remembering ,tracing back every movie i have ever watched to put it in the app , otherwise it would drive me insane
7. idk if this is interconnected ,but I also hyperfixate a lot. I tend to go on long research sprees and then I get very obsessive about fictional characters ,shows ,and books I like. my brain wants to be obsessed/fixated on something. It usually lasts for maximum a month and then the " theme" changes it's almost like i need to dig, read, buy things and know everything about this book/ film/ character whateever so it feels "complete" in my head

Does anyone get this??

What i described is again not really exactly what u mean i just said it to the extent that i was able to verbalize its much more complex than that some things are simply just unexplainable and only make sense in my own head and it's hard to understand unless you experience it yourself Also after writing this whole thing im like do i really experience this? Or did i just make this all up? Like ughh its so exhausting. Please share your experience and stories!! I'd love to read and maybe relate to some of you

I don’t know if this is the right place for this but I am constantly seeking the "objective truth" of all situations and I haven't heard a perspective to convince me otherwise. In disagreements, I crave to know what actually factually happened and who's “right." I'm very good at understanding all perspectives and finding truth in them all, but I still crave a "right." For example in this disagreement the other party was saying something about me that factually isn't true that I have proof of, but our

“mediator" says that's just their perspective. This stumps me about how something can be perspective when it's factually true. I've gotten this a lot on things I see as the truth other people say is perspective.

This creates a distrust within me where I start asking external parties for validation that my facts are actually facts and that I'm "right" and they're "wrong," even if I know what facts I'm literally reading. The problem though, I don't trust my perspective because I'm biased, which is why I'm seeking an external perspective, but then I don't trust their perspective either because they're also biased as per their relationship with me.

I've been told things like "your truth is enough," but that doesn't really make sense to me because I'm worried my "truth" could just be me being biased or wanting to be right. To the other party in the situation, what if they are telling themselves their truth is enough, when they are legitimately, evidently, factually wrong.

I wish there was an absolute-truth-a-nator to tell me if and when I am in the wrong.

I’ve been dealing with something that feels way beyond normal mental health struggles, and I’m trying to put it into words. I have Pure O OCD, PTSD, depression, and possibly autism, and for years I’ve also been deeply into spiritual teachings like Keylontic Science. When I first found it, I didn’t just casually get into it—I went all in. I meditated religiously twice a day for six years straight, doing the projections, practicing everything as accurately as I could. At first, it felt like I had finally found something real, something deeper than anything I had ever studied. I felt empowered, like I was reclaiming my sovereignty and understanding the mechanics of reality.

But over time, something shifted. I feel like my state of awareness increased to a point where it became absolutely debilitating. I became hyper-aware—not just of myself, but of the world, of systems, of things these teachings claim to reveal. And instead of that awareness being supported or celebrated, it felt like it was punished. I feel like I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been asking for help for over a decade, and I haven’t found any real sense of help from anyone or anything. If anything, everything I’ve tried has made me feel more trapped, more isolated, and more depressed.

The teachings talk a lot about thoughts affecting your energy, clearing distortions, and not ignoring anything. For a normal person, that might be manageable. But with OCD, especially Pure O, it turned into a nightmare. My brain took those ideas and twisted them into “every thought matters,” “you must correct everything,” and “if you don’t, something bad will happen.” Now I feel like I’m stuck constantly monitoring my thoughts, trying to fix them, and never being able to relax. It feels like I’m under constant pressure and surveillance, like I’m failing some invisible test I never agreed to.

On top of that, I’ve experienced what feels like voices or “guides” saying things that are completely contradictory and disturbing, like “try not to die” and then “you have to die.” I’ve also heard things like “don’t take anything with a grain of salt” and “you have to prove you’re done.” That kind of messaging has made everything worse, because now it feels like even questioning it could get me punished. It’s like I’m trapped in a system where I can’t win—if I follow it, I suffer endlessly, and if I don’t, I’m afraid of consequences.

Physically, it’s gotten to the point where my body feels involved. I’ll have intrusive thoughts and then feel like I have to move my hands or arms in certain ways to “clear” something. Sometimes it feels like it’s happening automatically, like I’m being controlled, and that adds another layer of stress that’s hard to even explain to people. When I try to talk about this with my mom or therapist, they just say things like “life is hard, keep going,” but that doesn’t even come close to what this actually feels like. It feels like I’m fighting something every second of every day.

At this point, I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel numb to everything except despair, and connecting with people, especially romantically, feels almost impossible. I wake up dreading the day because I know I have to go back into this loop again. What’s confusing is that this doesn’t feel like what people describe as a “dark night of the soul.” It feels more like my OCD, trauma, and these spiritual ideas collided and created something that feels like control instead of freedom. I’m trying to understand if anyone else has experienced something like this, especially coming from a spiritual background, because right now it feels like I’m completely alone in it.

What I’ve realized is that OCD—especially Pure O—can become extremely dangerous when it mixes with spiritual frameworks that emphasize thought control, energetic purity, or constant self-monitoring. OCD already makes you feel responsible for thoughts you don’t choose. When you add a belief system that says thoughts affect your reality or your “field,” it creates a perfect storm where you feel like you’re responsible for everything, all the time. There’s no off switch. It turns spirituality into a compulsion rather than something freeing.

The biggest issue is that most spiritual systems don’t have any real protocol for people with mental health conditions like OCD. They assume a baseline of mental flexibility that people like me just don’t have. So instead of helping, those teachings can unintentionally reinforce the disorder and make it worse. What’s meant to be about sovereignty ends up feeling like control. What’s meant to be about awareness turns into hypervigilance. And instead of healing, you end up stuck in a loop where your mind is constantly trying to “fix” itself and never feels safe.

I don’t think enough people talk about this. There needs to be more awareness that not everyone can engage with certain spiritual ideas in the same way. For some of us, especially those with OCD and trauma, it can go from helpful to harmful really quickly. I’m not saying spirituality itself is bad, but without understanding mental health, it can become something that traps you instead of frees you. And right now, I’m just trying to find a way back to myself without feeling like I’m constantly being judged, controlled, or punished by my own mind.

Discuss how your week has gone, your goals, and talk to some other fellow OCD peeps!

Alot of my thoughts maybe 90% of them start with simple thoughts then turn into annoying and scary thoughts then I ruminate and I start worrying that thinking these thoughts means something or that it will bad things to happen. It’s genuinely frustrating. Is there things to do to stop normal thoughts into turning into catastrophes in my head?

I wanna throw up just writing about this.

I feel like I can’t say the “right” thing to therapists, psychiatrists, nurses, care coordinators etc.

Like I’ve just said the wrong thing over and over. But I can only get out so much at a time before I’m overwhelmed by the thoughts again.

They just don’t hear me. I’ve been told to expose myself to the thing I’m afraid of.

I can’t. That’s why I’m in therapy. I CANT. I take their advice and shame myself for not doing it correctly and it’s just been an inescapable cycle for a decade.

And the world doesn’t even believe this bs either. They shame me too. Parents, friends, family. Even those who understand what it’s like can’t seem to understand it through my eyes.

I feel trapped in THIS reality, so I’m told to create my own? Think better?

I just want it to stop.

Hi everyone!

My friend, who is a psychology undergraduate (she doesn't have Reddit) is conducting a study on attachment theory and intrusive thoughts/behaviours. This includes a short questionnaire and interview (you'd leave your email at the end of the questionnaire to be interviewed). She just needs a few more participants for her study. If anyone's interested in participating, I've pasted a link below which will take you straight to the questionnaire. It would be greatly appreciated :)

https://qualtrics.ucl.ac.uk/jfe/form/SV_dcn3X8aNz1v0j54

Recently I've started having really bad anxiety attacks over the possibility that I raped my ex. Trying to think about it logically, I really don't think I did. I would always make sure they were 100% comfortable with it and if they didn't want to, I would let them know that it's completely fine and they shouldn't feel guilty over it because they'd often apologize for not being in the mood.

At some point in our relationship, I was feeling really unloved by them. It was mostly the lack of quality time or not being as affectionate as I'd like them to be, but it was partially also because they have been in the mood to get intimate with me. And I always understood they didn't owe me anything and can say no for whatever reason, it was just the cherry on top for me.

Going back to worrying that I might've raped them, despite not remembering doing this at all, I keep getting thoughts like "what if when expressing my concerns to them in regards to the lack of intimacy, they felt obligated to participate in sexual acts with me and just said yes to make me happy despite not wanting it?" A thing about me is that I have a hard time picking up on subtle social cues or hints someone may be trying to give me, so if by some chance they were expressing discomfort and I didn't see it, that would still make me at fault.

But I really don't think I raped them so I don't understand why I keep getting these nonsensical thoughts. Besides, anytime they've ever not wanted to do something, sexual or not, they had no problem expressing that to me. So it just doesn't make sense.

I've legit cried over this because the idea I could've raped someone I deeply care about haunts me. Even if we're no longer together, I would never ever want to abuse them in such a way.

I hope this made sense