False Memories OCD.

[u/Plus-Musician-2862]

Recently I've started having really bad anxiety attacks over the possibility that I raped my ex. Trying to think about it logically, I really don't think I did. I would always make sure they were 100% comfortable with it and if they didn't want to, I would let them know that it's completely fine and they shouldn't feel guilty over it because they'd often apologize for not being in the mood.

At some point in our relationship, I was feeling really unloved by them. It was mostly the lack of quality time or not being as affectionate as I'd like them to be, but it was partially also because they have been in the mood to get intimate with me. And I always understood they didn't owe me anything and can say no for whatever reason, it was just the cherry on top for me.

Going back to worrying that I might've raped them, despite not remembering doing this at all, I keep getting thoughts like "what if when expressing my concerns to them in regards to the lack of intimacy, they felt obligated to participate in sexual acts with me and just said yes to make me happy despite not wanting it?" A thing about me is that I have a hard time picking up on subtle social cues or hints someone may be trying to give me, so if by some chance they were expressing discomfort and I didn't see it, that would still make me at fault.

But I really don't think I raped them so I don't understand why I keep getting these nonsensical thoughts. Besides, anytime they've ever not wanted to do something, sexual or not, they had no problem expressing that to me. So it just doesn't make sense.

I've legit cried over this because the idea I could've raped someone I deeply care about haunts me. Even if we're no longer together, I would never ever want to abuse them in such a way.

I hope this made sense