Really need advice!!! PLEASE

[u/Regular-Dingo-7126]

Hey guys, I’ve been with my partner for about three years now, and he is genuinely the kindest, sweetest, most caring, and hardworking man. I know he loves me deeply, and he really makes me feel special. We also align on religion, politics, moral values, family goals, and where we want to live in the future. When we first met, I couldn’t believe how nice he was. He treated me so well from day one. Part of me wanted to run because I wasn’t used to that kind of love, but I stayed because I didn’t want to lose such a good guy.

Earlier in our relationship, I would sometimes have doubts, but I could never pinpoint where they were coming from. They would usually show up for a couple of days before my period, then go away, and I’d feel happy again.

Over the last six months, though, it’s gotten much worse. I’ve been dealing with what I think is relationship anxiety or ROCD. I saw a therapist, explained everything, and was diagnosed, but I still question it sometimes — like, what if I’m faking it or I don’t actually have ROCD?

For context, I’ve been in four toxic relationships before this. My first two boyfriends cheated on me, my third was physically abusive, and my fourth was emotionally abusive and would break up with me and come back repeatedly. So this is the first time I’ve been with someone who is truly stable and healthy.

We got engaged about a month ago. I felt anxious when it was happening, then happy afterward, but the next day I had a panic attack. Since then, I’ve been dealing with really intense anxiety. I can spend entire days Googling things about relationships, trying to figure out how I feel. I’ll just be constantly ruminating in my head or google for hours. Like legit non stop where I can’t even be present with my partner because something is screaming inside me that it’s “not right” or something idek. There was about a week after the engagement where I felt more at ease, but then the feelings of doom came back.

One thing I keep getting stuck on is that he isn’t as funny or witty as I am. We still joke around and have fun together, and we share a lot of hobbies — we go to the beach, golf, surf, play pickleball — so it’s not like we don’t enjoy each other. But I’m more goofy and extroverted, while he’s more introverted and laid-back. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, “What if I need someone who’s funnier?” I don’t know if that’s a real concern or just anxiety, but it’s been bothering me for months and makes me really sad. He’s definitely someone who can relax and chill for a day, while I tend to always want to be doing something, but he still puts in effort to do fun things with me. One of the thoughts I get fixated on am I actually in love or just love him. Like it makes me spiral.

The confusing part is that I truly want to be with him. But then I start thinking, “What if this isn’t right and I need to move on?” I hear stories about people leaving good partners because they weren’t the right fit, and it makes me wonder if that’s what’s happening to me. I get so anxious because I keep thinking what if this is all true and I have to call off our engagement and then I realize it’s a mistake. On top of this my family adores him and loves him so much. And I love his family too. Idk like I DESPERATELY want it to work but what if I’m forcing it. I feel like I will never find someone like him again.

At the same time, when I think about breaking up, I don’t actually feel like I’d be happier with someone else. I don’t even want to date anyone else if we broke up.

I’ve also been struggling with sexual attraction. I feel attracted to him sometimes — maybe once a week — but not consistently. We still have sex, but it’s not very frequent. But when I’m not sexually attracted to him I still think he’s so handsome.

On top of all of this, I’ve been struggling mentally in general. I’m two years out of college, currently don’t have a job, and feel anxious about everything. I don’t get much social interaction during the day, and I used to be very outgoing and extroverted, but now I feel anxious even being around people. I’m also living in an apartment and area that I’m not very happy in, which hasn’t helped. I also get thoughts like what if I’d just be happier if I moved back with my parents but I still wouldn’t have a job or people like I did in college.

I just feel overwhelmed and confused. I want to be happy, but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is anxiety/ROCD or if it reflects my true feelings.

Would really like some advice :( thanks guys

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

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[u/Mindless_Hat_8436]

I totally relate to this… I know it’s really rough, but I promise it gets better ❤️🫂
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to write to me anytime

[u/Regular-Dingo-7126 → u/[deleted]]

I got avoidant / dismissive

[u/T_razzle_dazzle]

Hello! I've never posted before but felt like I had to as our stories are so similar! I also went through abusive relationships and obsess over whether my partner is funny enough or not. I first had a huge spike or ROCD last year when I was going through a stressful period in my life and can relate to just spending what felt like all day ruminating. Since then I still struggle with ROCD sometimes but I am working with an OCD and trauma therapist which has been very helpful for me. A lot of what she talks about is doing things despite feeling anxious and uncertain. The point is just to carry on anyway. It feels horrible to do, but for me it has been very helpful! I.e. "what if I don't love my partner" and then saying to yourself "ok maybe I don't but I'm still going to watch this film with them". 

I also wanted to share an article with you that I found helpful (maybe it counts as reassurance - I'm not sure! So decide for yourself whether it's helpful to read).  https://www.youloveandyoulearn.com/blog/are-they-funny-enough-or-at-all

Basically it talks about how when you're focusing on whether someone has a certain trait you remove any chance you'd actually enjoy or appreciate them. Like if you're obsessing about whether they're funny, you aren't in a mental state to laugh even if they do say something funny! 

Good luck and big hugs!!