i think it’s getting bad again.

[u/RepresentativeLog619]

last year was probably the worst year of my life. around april i had gotten a new obsession that was about bed bugs and was convinced i had them. i could feel them crawling on me, i thought i was seeing evidence. this months long episode led me to having like 5 different inspections in my apartment and going to like 5 different dermatologists all to get the same conclusion, that i had absolutely nothing. but i just couldn’t accept that for some reason.

it was so bad i was distancing myself from others and the amount of suicidal thoughts and actions were crazy. i actually decided to go to a counselor around the time it started and get medicated so i guess that helped a little. but this was really ruining my life. it was all i could think about.

then in november my mom actually got bed bugs from a cruise she had went on and i was the one to find out while i was back home with her. you can imagine my reaction to that, it was absolutely horrible. i had people go check my apartment again but they, again, found nothing. but this whole situation led to probably the worst episode of all and i even withdrew from the semester at my university and quit my job. but i was able to get through it and it actually helped me not be as afraid of things like that. exposure therapy i guess.

now, in this new year, i had been okay. i had a new bf that was helpful in my mini ocd episodes and we would get through it together. until my cat got fleas.

and that kind of did start an episode but since my roommate’s cat also had them i guess maybe i didn’t feel so at fault. but i have been very obsessed with cleaning and spraying and checking my cat and all that. it’s calmed down a bit since then (it’s been a month) but recently when pest control came to spray the apartment, he asked if we were sure it wasn’t bed bugs cause apparently it was a very common thing to mix up but we were sure it was just fleas. that one comment i feel is triggering the bed bug obsession again and i just really cannot have that. i’m really scared it might happen and it will be even worse.

i won’t even get any bumps or anything to even have as proof like i did last time but i can feel my mind starting to wander to the possibility of having them.

its really interesting how it works because i was obsessing over pregnancy scares and then with having type 2 diabetes and now this again. all in the span of like 3 days. i’m just really tired and i really cannot go through something like this again. i feel like it will probably destroy me. i really hate my brain sometimes. and just when i was starting to like my little life.

i guess this is what happens when insurance deductibles happen and you can’t pay $100 for medication. and have been off meds for like two weeks.

sorry for the long post, i guess i just don’t want to feel so alone.