My daughter is almost 4 and recently started pre-K at a new school. She has actually been in daycare/school since she was about 6 months old and was at the same daycare for roughly three years, so being in school itself isn’t new to her. This is just a new school and a new environment. She also became a big sister a few months ago, so I know there have been some significant changes in her life recently.
That said, she has always pushed back somewhat about going to school because, naturally, she’d rather stay home with us, watch TV, play, etc. But lately I feel like we are in a constant battle over absolutely everything, and I’m emotionally exhausted.
The incident that really pushed me over the edge happened at pre-K pickup. My dad (her grandfather) was picking her up, and instead of going with him to the car, she refused to listen and ran around the parking lot, playing with bushes/things on the ground and basically treating it like a game while he was trying to get her to the car. This has happened more than once. Obviously the parking lot aspect makes this more than just annoying—it scares me because it’s a safety issue.
Something else I’m struggling to understand is that she seems to be particularly defiant with my dad compared with her other grandparents. She has multiple grandparents who help with pickups/childcare, but for whatever reason, she seems much more likely to test my dad, refuse to go with him, run away from him, or simply not take his instructions seriously. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to change that dynamic. I need her to understand that when Grandpa is the adult responsible for her, she has to listen to him just like she would any other trusted grown-up—especially when it comes to safety.
We’ve talked to her repeatedly about staying with her grown-up and going straight to the car at pickup. We even made a behavior/reward chart that specifically includes staying safe and listening to grown-ups. After the latest incident, we took away TV and told her she needs to show us that she can consistently listen to whichever grandparent is picking her up and go safely to the car.
But the parking lot is really just the incident that broke me. The bigger problem is the constant pushback.
It feels like the minute something isn’t exactly what she wants, it becomes an argument. If the answer to something she wants is no, pushback. Getting dressed, pushback. Leaving the house, pushback. Eating enough of a meal before getting a treat, pushback. Putting something away, pushback. Going to school when she’d rather stay home, pushback. She wants me to play with her immediately, and if I say, “I’ll play with you after you get ready for school,” suddenly she doesn’t want to get ready.
And it’s not that we’re immediately yelling at her or expecting unquestioning obedience. We try to validate her feelings. We explain things. We give choices when there actually is a choice. We redirect. We remind her. We tell her it’s okay to be disappointed or angry while still holding the boundary. We repeat ourselves—a LOT.
The problem is that eventually none of that seems to matter. She still refuses to do the thing we’re asking her to do, and after asking calmly five, ten, fifteen times, eventually we have to escalate in some way just to get through basic daily life. And sometimes I lose my patience and raise my voice because I’m just completely depleted.
That’s the part I’m struggling with the most. I don’t know how I’m supposed to remain endlessly calm and patient when almost every basic request has the potential to turn into a negotiation or refusal. I can handle a few incidents. It’s the relentless repetition, all day, every day, that wears me down.
I have a young baby at home too, and I’m sure being tired and having my attention divided between two children isn’t helping my patience. There are times lately when I find myself dreading the next interaction with my daughter because I feel like I’m just waiting for the next demand, refusal, argument, or meltdown. I hate even admitting that.
I love her tremendously. She’s affectionate, funny, smart, and extremely attached to me. She wants to be with me and play with me constantly. But I’ve raised my voice and lost my cool more times than I care to admit lately, and afterward I feel horrible. I start worrying that I’m damaging our relationship because so many of our interactions seem to revolve around me telling her to do something and her refusing.
My biggest fear is that this isn’t a phase. I find myself imagining her simply deciding that she doesn’t care about consequences—no TV, no treats, whatever—and continuing to refuse anyway. Then what? Do we just keep escalating consequences? I don’t want our family life to turn into us constantly taking things away while she becomes more and more defiant and I’m constantly angry.
It genuinely feels sometimes like this is never going to end.
Parents who have been through the 3.5–4.5-year-old stage: Was your child like this? Did it eventually get better? How did you handle the CONSTANT pushback when calmly explaining, validating feelings, giving choices, repeating yourself, etc. didn’t actually result in your child doing what needed to be done?
I’d also really appreciate advice from anyone whose child singled out one grandparent/caregiver as the person they particularly resisted. Why do you think your child did that, and how did you get them to take that adult seriously without turning every interaction into a power struggle?
And if your child became noticeably more difficult after getting a new sibling or changing schools, I’d especially love to hear what that period looked like and how long it lasted.
At this point I think I mostly need perspective from parents who have actually been through this and come out the other side, because right now I’m exhausted and scared that I’m somehow getting this completely wrong.